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Original poster

Dating is fucking brutal

49 replies

PreciousOcean · 06/03/2021 16:58

I'd love to meet someone. I have been on so many dates. Many I have decided weren't for me. Every single time I've felt like it's right and that I like someone and can see it going somewhere they call it off. It's so bloody disheartening. I'm not a needy person, I don't pester them, I have my own hobbies and life. I'm a really normal person. I just don't seem to be relationship material. I've been single two years now and feel like giving up. Lonely. Sad. Anyone else relate?

OP posts:
BehindMyEyes · 06/03/2021 18:20

@Happycat1212

It’s more that you said you don’t feel like relationship material but it’s only been 2 years, so you’ve obviously had relationships not like you never have or have been single for decades
Backpedalling now 🙄
Original poster
PreciousOcean · 06/03/2021 18:22

@Eckhart

Lots of people on MN (and in real life) do live in an alternate universe to you; they've learned how to deal with rejection without it feeling brutal to them.

Do you always think that people who have different experiences/responses to life than you are 'living in an alternative universe'? Your responses to anybody who doesn't have the exact same opinion as you are very defensive.

Suggesting that you learn to deal with rejection better is a suggestion about how you can help yourself feel better, not an attack.

I'm just disagreeing with what some people are saying because I don't necessarily agree. It doesn't mean I'm right but rather than seeing it as defensive, maybe just see it as me simply having a different opinion.
OP posts:
Fireflygal · 06/03/2021 18:31

I was in my 40s so a lot of men were happy to kill tim with me til they met a younger version of me

I agree but still baffled that men feel the need to have younger women. Not sure why they don't want women at the same stage in life as them. I don't think many women want older men so is that realistic? Do they ghost women at a similar age in the hope of finding a younger woman...which probably never materialises.

Eckhart · 06/03/2021 18:32

But did you post just so that lots of people would say 'Oh, me too, you're exactly right to feel like that...', because if so, that's further indication that you are relying on external validation, rather than validating yourself.

Disagreeing isn't the same as saying that people are in a different universe. That sounds like you think that if they were in your universe, they'd agree with you. But we are all in the same place. We all have to deal with rejection. Some of us feel like it's brutal. Some of us brush it off. Some are in between. Nobody is right or wrong, but you sound like you're having a hard time from feeling it to be brutal, so you might benefit from learning to brush it off.

A strong sense of self validation will help you do that, and if you already feel you have that, then a stronger sense of self validation is needed.

These men are mismatches if they turn you down, and idiots if they ghost you. There's nothing in you that needs any of them. Sure, you want the right guy, but you'd also like a million pounds, right? But not having a million pounds doesn't feel 'brutal'. Because you don't give it so much power over your mindset.

honeysuckle21 · 06/03/2021 18:38

If you've been living in lockdown the past year has been dreadful for dating I would assume? There's got to be other singles like me just waiting for restrictions to pass. So there will be less options to choose from right now. I think bit of bad luck too and patience having to wait for the right chemistry, compatibility together. Keep going but only go on dates if you feel really excited about going on one with them not just the sake of it.

trindi · 06/03/2021 18:44

'Oh, me too, you're exactly right to feel like that...', because if so, that's further indication that you are relying on external validation, rather than validating yourself.

Fucking hell 😂 the same could be said for literally every single OP over on AIBU.

People like external validation. I honestly don't understand what your agenda is here??

Op just wants to have a rant with people who are going through similar. Maybe take the armchair psychologist stuff over to AIBU where you'll find 100 posters who have poor self-validation skills? 🙃

8090sTv · 06/03/2021 18:45

I've been single since I was 32 and am now 40 so my chance of children had dwindled massively. I feel super positive about dating. Not sure why, I think I just have accepted that I can be happy single. Loneliness can sometimes be hard but can be filled. But its having a best friend.

Eckhart · 06/03/2021 18:49

@trindi

You have no right to tell other posters how/where to post.

Number3BigCupOfTea · 06/03/2021 18:52

@Fireflygal

I was in my 40s so a lot of men were happy to kill tim with me til they met a younger version of me

I agree but still baffled that men feel the need to have younger women. Not sure why they don't want women at the same stage in life as them. I don't think many women want older men so is that realistic? Do they ghost women at a similar age in the hope of finding a younger woman...which probably never materialises.

Yeh, it must feel of self-loathing on one level to be so determined to do "better" than a woman your own age. And these guys werent charismatic millionaires!! They were ordinary.
Eckhart · 06/03/2021 18:57

People like external validation

Yes, I agree, @trindi.

And the more they rely on it, the more brutal they find the rejection of others to be.

That's my point. It's fully relevant to the OP. Why would you think I have any other 'agenda'?

Poppins88 · 06/03/2021 19:04

@trindi You've completely hit the nail on the head re some of the posters on here. I don't know if it's lack of empathy or obtuseness but it's disheartening.

Number3BigCupOfTea · 06/03/2021 19:19

Rejection is always going to hurt if you didn't want it. Perhaps resilience is what you need. The ability to re-frame it quickly and the energy to go out and do the things that cheer you up.

You can have a healthy sense of yourself and still feel depleted because the process is draining and out of your hands and you just feel like a hamster on a wheel with deja vu.

I took the first few rejections in my stride because of my healthy self-esteem, especially since I had the awareness to acknowledge that I was doing some of the rejecting as well. But that resilience turned out to be finite because the energy it took to bounce back from each rejection increased. Felt like I'd no more energy for ''re-framing'' left after a few years of OLD.

I bailed on it! Best decision ever for me (but I have dc, I'm 50, just cannot be arsed trying anymore but I"m glad I was brave enough to try)

Eckhart · 06/03/2021 19:22

[quote Poppins88]@trindi You've completely hit the nail on the head re some of the posters on here. I don't know if it's lack of empathy or obtuseness but it's disheartening.[/quote]
'Some people' hit the nail on the head on how to be passive aggressive.

ForeverDiamond · 06/03/2021 19:25

I understand what you’re saying trindi, you don’t need to defend yourself. Validation that you are not imagining things and that others have similar difficult experiences can be very helpful, as well as finding ways to deal with or avoid situations. Being Teflon is not always possible, or desirable. I think you have to have a very thick skin when internet dating, be very clear with who you are, and brook no nonsense, be polite and pleasant but ruthlessly move on if people take the p* even once. Even then it’s not easy.

2bazookas · 06/03/2021 19:49

Back when, a date to me was just an evening out or a drink in the pub. It wasn't part of some future ambition, a Life Plan; to Have a Relationship, Auditioning for The One.

    Don't attach so much  significance to  what should be just casual social encounters .
Sacredspace · 06/03/2021 19:54

In fairness, I think when we meet someone and it seems promising, we do invest emotionally in the possible future of that relationship. So to be ghosted when you’d really hoped that it would go somewhere is terribly brutal!

B1rdflyinghigh · 06/03/2021 20:25

5 years single here. Yes it's rubbish and they always find a way to come back....despite blocking them. One showed up on my NHS work e-mail this week, found through a job advertisement!

DoLallyTapMum · 06/03/2021 20:49

It can be brutal, you’re right, but without knowing the details of specific situations it’s hard to know how to advise you. What I mean, is, that some friends have been dating for years and do nothing wrong (I.e. pick sensible guys who are nice but there’s just no spark) and others go for complete jerks whose first messages ought to be red flags to start with. The problem is, that you really need your real life friends to give you advice as they know the situation. I also think that prompting a phone call quickly and prior to a date is a good way to weed out those who are time-wasters or with whom you don’t have a spark. I’ve messaged people for weeks but then met up and felt nothing, so that in itself would seem like a waste of time to me. If lockdown means that actual dates aren’t going to be possible then I would take a break until they are and you can quickly meet people and see if there’s a spark and if there isn’t then at least you got to go out for a change and that might feel nice.

stout01 · 06/03/2021 21:18

@trindi

I think it's easy to say "you're giving people too much" etc but when things are going well, there are no red flags, the person seems keen... why would you not enjoy it? Why wouldn't you be interested and begin to think that maybe you'd found someone?

And then when you get dropped / ghosted etc... it's like a double edged sword because A) it hurts and B) if you want that "enjoyment" you know you need to go back to the start.

So it's not only brutal it's draining.

I'm not really sure how to verbalise my feelings on this, so I'm sorry if I offend anyone or don't get it quite right, but sometimes it seems to me like MN is full of all these really well adjusted posters who have no issues whatsoever and just this absolute concrete belief that there are SO many men out there all dying to be with you. And if they don't think that, then they're the type who'd be happy to remain single for 20+ years until one comes along.

In the real world I think things are a lot more nuanced than some posters on here like to make out. Maybe it's just me (I have a fuck tonne of daddy issues and adhd meaning poor emotional regulation so what do I know!). But regardless of those issues I try my hardest not to let my guard down, to look out for red flags, not to pander to men and give too many chances etc.

It's just fucking brutal when you don't want to be single anymore.

I think there's a lot of truth in this. Add that if we are talking about dating blokes that may have been through long term relationships and through the mill a bit.
BehindMyEyes · 06/03/2021 22:05

@trindi

'Oh, me too, you're exactly right to feel like that...', because if so, that's further indication that you are relying on external validation, rather than validating yourself.

Fucking hell 😂 the same could be said for literally every single OP over on AIBU.

People like external validation. I honestly don't understand what your agenda is here??

Op just wants to have a rant with people who are going through similar. Maybe take the armchair psychologist stuff over to AIBU where you'll find 100 posters who have poor self-validation skills? 🙃

Exactly ! PITA
Poppins88 · 06/03/2021 22:06

@Eckhart Not passive aggressive at all, I agree with what the poster said; someone who is clearly having a difficult time posts in need of solidarity and support and is met with unempathetic, obtuse, superior responses. It's a common issue I've noticed on posts like this and I don't appear to have been the only one. Hope that's direct enough for you.

Eckhart · 06/03/2021 22:15

@Poppins88

Yes. Sorry, I thought you were having a dig at me for suggesting alternative options to OP than taking rejection as a brutal emotional hit.

I clearly misunderstood you. My apologies Smile

nolovelost · 07/03/2021 09:38

Dating is a pain. I've just blocked two men (well boys!). I'm in my 40s and they were both in their 30s. One was so obviously sexting someone else and sent me a message meant for them and the other had a go at bringing sex into things. They both knew that I don't talk about sex with someone I've never met. It seems to be that after they've got your number they can behave however they want. I don't normally give out my number so soon but they seemed quite nice!

Once lockdown is over I'm going to start some hobbies and hopefully meet someone more naturally. Keep going OP - there's someone out there for everyone!

Eckhart · 07/03/2021 10:18

Once lockdown is over I'm going to start some hobbies and hopefully meet someone more naturally. Keep going OP - there's someone out there for everyone

This is the thing. Why do people 'do' dating if it pisses them off? If you wanted to watch a film but your tv was broken, you don't just keep trying to watch the film on your tv, do you, and complain that it's really hard. You watch it on your laptop or borrow a device from someone or find another way of obtaining your goal.

Even in lockdown there are tons of online groups you can join. Why not try meeting someone on one of those?

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