Husband called me a selfish bitch this morning and got so angry

[JC2021]

So to try cut a long story short - it was my 'lie in' morning and I decided this time to stay upstairs and out the way while husband and DS (nearly 2.5 yrs) were downstairs together, I was on the laptop looking to book classes for son, done some exercise then had a shower - I really needed my own space (rare, but i did today). I was ready at 09:30am.

The plan was to head out although the exact timings hadn't been communicated - my DS kept calling after me 'mummy' and husband left him calling.. I called down and explained mama was brushing her hair and i'd be downstairs very soon.

So husband stormed upstairs and said how uncomfortable it was for our son to be calling me and me not to go down there.. how i was a selfish bitch and was having the 'luxury' of my own time whilst they were waiting for me to go out..

I never do this!! He doesn't seem to like me having own time or space away from looking after our son, as he knows he has to step up. So I went down when I was dressed kissed my son and gave him a hug and got him dressed to go out.. (He is also in with me each night and husband moves to spare room for a lovely rest)

He takes him out once a week to the park - he does play with him, but i do all of our son's meals, housework, take him out pretty much everyday..

the other day i didn't feel too well and stayed home, he was on my back 'why are you not taking him out? he hasn't been out today'

i said you do it i don't feel good / headache/cold - he came back with 'i'm working full time (at home) and don't have time today' - he does. he can make time.

I rarely ask anything of him, but when i do, it's a like i'm taking the piss where he is working full time and funding us..

so so sick and tired of this dynamic - he's worn me down in many ways over the years..

Ok,was your dh off work today and available to take his son out to park?
If then yes of course he should take the wee boy out, give you a rest
However if he’s working ft then no he shouldn’t have to interrupt work for childcare if your in the house
If he’s the sole earner and funding everything yes that is a big responsibility
You could do a online course, plan to get a job share the financial responsibility. It is a lot to leave 1 person with that sole responsibility
Also it’s not wise for you to be so reliant on a man

Clearly there are issues in the relationship eg anger, how he speaks to you
Is it fixable, do you want to stay together? Or it’s irreconcilably broken down and you split up.

Sounds like he doesn't like the aggravation of being one on one with a small child.
Many people don't like it and would much rather be doing something else.
Women get dumped with it unfortunately, unless you firmly put your foot down.

Sounds like he doesn't like the aggravation of being one on one with a small child
don’t have a child then if you won’t invest the time or emotional energy for 1:1
It’s very mumsnet scenario the man works ft and delegates all childcare to the mother. He pulls in the money and does minimal (if any) childcare. Eventually over times he’s resentful at being the sole earner, she’s resentful being the primary career

yes he works monday to friday - i agree it is a big responsibility to financially provide.

He earns well and can afford to look after us financially, but yes, me going back to work and bring in an income couldn't come soon enough..

he has a lot of hobbies/interests and also avoids the getting him dressed part at any opportunity..

''Also it’s not wise for you to be so reliant on a man'' @HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee I couldn't agree more - wish I had realised this much earlier - i sort of ended up reliant and can't believe i let it get this far to be honest..

What do you want to do?stay or go
Get yourself a course something to enter the job market
And if you’re planning to leave him,plan it but don’t disclose to him. Copy all the important documents

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up, did you see similar between your mother and father?.

He is abusing both you and in turn your son. His actions are about wanting power and control.

Would you still call him a wonderful father?. He is not because he is treating you, the mother of his child, like something he has stepped in.

Would you want your son to become potentially a carbon copy of his father?. Think carefully on what you want to teach your child about relationships here. He cannot afford to grow up within such a toxic environment thinking that his dad's treatment of you (and therefore all women) is right. Many people as well work full time and do not at all act like your H does. He has ground you down and will continue to do so as long as you and he remain together.

I agree with Atilla who has given me excellent advice in the past. This will only get worse.

Being waged and solvent doesn’t = wonderful father.
Problem in being reliant upon a man is it takes time & planning to untangle it and get yourself reestablished
Most people work FT and are kind and respectful to their partner. He is a bit of a git

@GettingUntrapped

Sounds like he doesn't like the aggravation of being one on one with a small child. Many people don't like it and would much rather be doing something else. Women get dumped with it unfortunately, unless you firmly put your foot down.

@GettingUntrapped : Many people don't like it and would much rather be doing something else.

This is their own child not some random child off the street!! . No normal parent sees spending some one on one time with the child they chose to have , as an aggravation...

Rude and disrespectful man.

Your own child isn’t an aggravation, and if you feel this way you have a significant problem
Problem with traditional man works woman is housewife set upon is it allows these men to not step up,they leave all childcare to the mother and just plough on. Acting like single guys who are being inconvenienced

How were they waiting for you to go out if your son wasn't yet dressed? Possibly missing the point but were they genuinely waiting, so possibly just a communication issue (although dealt with badly by your DH) or was he waiting for you to come down and take over from him and start the work he should have already done?

This is their own child not some random child off the street!! confused. No normal parent sees spending some one on one time with the child they chose to have , as an aggravation

I've said this before, but I'm more convinced than ever that a huge number of men are totally ambivalent about children, but father them because it's something their partner wants. Partner then can't understand why the father can barely be bothered with his own kids.

I work ft from home. DH would not expect me to interrupt my day to take DS out. He would and does take him out. The flip side is that I make sure he gets some time to himself at the weekend, usually he'll play his Xbox for a bit and either me and DS will play indoors elsewhere if it's a miserable day or we'll go for a walk. Less of an issue now that DS is back at nursery and DH has 2 days a week to himself but you get the idea.

You can see how he is with one child. If you have another, it won't change, so think carefully about that.

Shit husband, shit dad

Think about leaving

@XDownwiththissortofthingX Me too. It's now my first though whenever I read a thread like this (and depressingly there's too many of them).

*first thought

So it was your turn for a lie in and your husband couldn't even be bothered to get the child dressed. He's lazy and clearly has no respect for you

He sounds like he doesn’t cope well with ds on his own. He’s also a poor communicator. In this scenario my dh would have brought ds upstairs and said “we’ve come to say hello mummy and ask what time we should all go out”
He would then have taken ds back downstairs to wait for me.

Ok, time to apply for some full time work.

Redress the balance

This might be unpopular but here goes....

To be honest if you stay at home all week and he provides for you and then to expect a lie in I kind of get why he'd be pissed off

You've chosen to become a parent and lie ins until they are older aren't usually on the cards - he's also 2 and a half and there's no earthly reason you couldn't work even for afew hours a week to show willing

Just put yourself in his shoes how would you feel if he was the one at home all week and you were the provider

My mum always told me, earn your own money and never become reliant on a man otherwise you'll loose your independence and your identity

Go online tonight and apply for some jobs is my advice and if you aren't happy then start an escape fund and leave him

If I was at work all week and had all my meals and housework done for me I'd think that was pretty effing brilliant to be honest. Much easier than being at home with a toddler.

And by the way, the OP provides for her husband too. By raising his child.

He is also in with me each night and husband moves to spare room for a lovely rest

Here's the root of your problem - you have replaced your H with your son . Hs need attention too and it starts to go very bad very quickly if you persist like this .