Husband called me a selfish bitch this morning and got so angry

[JC2021]

So to try cut a long story short - it was my 'lie in' morning and I decided this time to stay upstairs and out the way while husband and DS (nearly 2.5 yrs) were downstairs together, I was on the laptop looking to book classes for son, done some exercise then had a shower - I really needed my own space (rare, but i did today). I was ready at 09:30am.

The plan was to head out although the exact timings hadn't been communicated - my DS kept calling after me 'mummy' and husband left him calling.. I called down and explained mama was brushing her hair and i'd be downstairs very soon.

So husband stormed upstairs and said how uncomfortable it was for our son to be calling me and me not to go down there.. how i was a selfish bitch and was having the 'luxury' of my own time whilst they were waiting for me to go out..

I never do this!! He doesn't seem to like me having own time or space away from looking after our son, as he knows he has to step up. So I went down when I was dressed kissed my son and gave him a hug and got him dressed to go out.. (He is also in with me each night and husband moves to spare room for a lovely rest)

He takes him out once a week to the park - he does play with him, but i do all of our son's meals, housework, take him out pretty much everyday..

the other day i didn't feel too well and stayed home, he was on my back 'why are you not taking him out? he hasn't been out today'

i said you do it i don't feel good / headache/cold - he came back with 'i'm working full time (at home) and don't have time today' - he does. he can make time.

I rarely ask anything of him, but when i do, it's a like i'm taking the piss where he is working full time and funding us..

so so sick and tired of this dynamic - he's worn me down in many ways over the years..

Also it might sound dramatic, but if DH called me a selfish bitch in rage I'd be done. I know it's not that easy, but it is so disrespectful, how dare he!

Hi All,

Thanks so much for input here.. I think having choices and options always puts you in better stead and like i said, i don't quite know how i've 'let myself go' so to speak. Being fully reliant on anyone is an uncomfortable feeling especially when it's highlighted to you by your own husband..

My concern is for childcare, we have tried my son in a couple of nurseries, he is 2yrs 4months and it just isn't working out - we have taken him out and i'm not keen for him to go through that stress just yet. We have decided he is too young and will go pre-school aged 3 yrs.

So that means I can't work just yet, I don't have support unfortunately - no free childcare or nana's - they both live bit too far and haven't shown interest in doing so when the subject had been brought up.. although they love hanging out with our son, they just don't seem to want to roll their sleeves up..

we have had our fair share of problems over the years but i think as i'm growing as new mum/becoming stronger I see more and more a person I don't like..

If i had the money and i could sustain myself and my son (like coparent) then yes, i would likely leave. But I can't, yet..

he has been disrespectful to me in the past, yes..

You’ve clearly thought about this,and going forward @JC2021
Begin to settle son in his own bed, and introduce that over time as the norm
Take time look at online courses,or jobs. Maybe a course is a more realistic option give me the economy at the moment
You can get through this, be the woman you want to be unencumbered by a boorish husband
Put your son in nursery and you need to allow adequate settle time and don’t withdraw him abruptly. Don’t let son see if you’re having a wobble. Nursery staff are adept at settling children, when time come let them settle your son

He should do 50% of all child rearing, housework etc when he's not at work, end of story. Just because he provides financially to the family doesn't mean he gets to slack off when he's not at work

If i had the money and i could sustain myself and my son (like coparent) then yes, i would likely leave. But I can't, yet..

Don't beat yourself up over it, you made a decision and just because he betrayed that trust, that's on him, he chose to disrespect you and chose to be cruel.

My concern is for childcare, we have tried my son in a couple of nurseries, he is 2yrs 4months and it just isn't working out - we have taken him out and i'm not keen for him to go through that stress just yet. We have decided he is too young and will go pre-school aged 3 yrs.

If you feel that's what best for him in the short term, then stick with it providing your DH can behave better, it is tough if you are not lucky enough to have support outside the home.

You are doing great, it's your DH that failing.

Lol at she shouldn't have had her child! More and more of this. Don't be silly.

I work ft and earn way more than DH. I don't make him come on the weekend when he's doing something relaxing which is agreed. They call for him I say I'll do it obv.

I certainly wouldn't call him a selfish bastard :/

He's being a dick OP, obviously.

The dynamic where men should be allowed to opt out and swear at their wives because they work is all a bit 1950s.

Oh and training and courses cost money, so you may need to try and look into some way of getting a job without additional costs, when you are not really in the position to do so.

That's verbal abuse and not ok. And you're allowed to not be on duty 24/7.

If i had the money and i could sustain myself and my son (like coparent) then yes, i would likely leave. But I can't, yet

Could you look into benefits and what you'd be entitled to? Definitely plan your escape ASAP, either way.

Maybe you both just need to reconnect. Have honest and frank discussions. I don’t think you should be sharing your bed every night with your DS whilst DH is sleeping in another room. It’s not healthy for your relationship. Make time for each other. Get your DS to start sleeping in his own bed.

You’re a partnership not a maid. You’ve had one lie in and this is how he behaves. He’s controlling and erratic. He is not a nice man. Yes he works, so do you. Nobody expects him to work 24/7 so why should you? When my kids were this age we shared the weekend. One would get Saturday until midday uninterrupted and then one would get Sunday. That’s fair. If one of us happened to go out for an eve, the other would get up in the morning with the child. It’s his child too. He doesn’t get to do NO CHILD CARE. Parenting doesn’t fucking work like that. There are 7 days in a week not 5. I suggest you say to him that you are not happy with the work split and going forward you are going to suggest that he has your son for the entirety of a Sunday and you will have Saturday. That includes making all meals and doing all playing/bedtimes. That way you each get rest. That is FAIR. If he’s not happy with that then I suggest you look to get out of this relationship ASAP. Before you’re ground too far down and his thumb gets even heavier upon the neck of your freedom. You didn’t sign up to have zero life.
If you split then you’ll get every other weekend to yourself. Know you’re own worth

And you sound like a nice caring person and you deserve better than being treated like this

Thanks.

Does anyone know how to even begin going about planning to leave? I have found a free legal aid site ‘rights for women’ and would like to find out my possible option/s.

I could wait until son is older, or I could make a move before he starts nursery in September.. I just wouldn’t know where to begin..

I guess calling for the legal advice would help me understand/clearer.

If I’m totally honest this isn’t a rash decision of mine but a long one coming - I’ve often fantasied about being on my own..

I’d be concerned that my son’s dad who is well off (ish) could provide him a much better lifestyle than I could.. and take him to places, do things, restaurants, holidays and if I was single I just wouldn’t be able to afford it.

Sorry if that sounds so shallow :/

@JC2021 a child doesn't need luxuries holidays, nice restaurants, designer clothes, they need a safe secure home with love and respect.

A good start is the number you have found, do lots of research in securing your leaving to be as smooth a transition for you both.

The it's not wise to be reliant on a man thing. I get it, but is it really best for the kids to be in childcare 10 hours a day from 6 months, 5 days a week or to have sometime with their mother? That's the thing, and you know it will still be the women mostly sorting a lot of it all out, plus doing her job and taking most of mental house load on.

It’s nursery not an internment camp for infants. Stop the guilt trip or what ifs
All my dc went to nursery Ft at 6mth old they’re happy,loved children
Op is unhappy. Living with a prosperous man who disregard her and her son

@ohhmygosh

That's the thing, and you know it will still be the women mostly sorting a lot of it all out, plus doing her job and taking most of mental house load on.

Well this is the thing we, as a society, need to focus on changing. And that starts with all of us trying not to perpetuate the 'well, it's just what men are like, they don't know how to do it as well as women / men aren't as good with kids / ooh isn't he a good hands on dad for taking them to the park once a week but not doing much else' etc narratives the patriarchy has successfully fed us for years.

When you have a sah parent and a working parent it should be - sahparent looks after children and gets a reasonable amount of housework etc done whilst working parent works. When working parent is home childcare and housework is divided up with both parents having an equal amount of time to relax. That is the only fair way. Being a sahparent doesn't mean you have 24/7 responsibility of children and house.

OP, see a solicitor and see what they advise. You can still split up and have him support you and your child and not work if it isn't in the best interest of the child. Then, when you're ready, you can look for work. It may be worth starting any training you need asap if it can be done online.

See what benefits you would be entitled to too.

My husband is exactly the same.
He is now my Ex husband.
I couldn't be happier x

@tiredmum2468

This might be unpopular but here goes....

To be honest if you stay at home all week and he provides for you and then to expect a lie in I kind of get why he'd be pissed off

You've chosen to become a parent and lie ins until they are older aren't usually on the cards - he's also 2 and a half and there's no earthly reason you couldn't work even for afew hours a week to show willing

Just put yourself in his shoes how would you feel if he was the one at home all week and you were the provider

Fucking hell this pissed me off!

There's 2 of them why can't they each get a lie in once a week. Op wasn't even having a lie in as such she was exercising, showering and getting ready to take her DS out. Just because she was alone for once doesn't mean she's out of order.

I was a SAHM until recently and now I work 1 day a week. At a business I GAVE UP MY JOB to facilitate my husband starting. So if his attitude was like yours or Ops husband we'd be in dire straights.

Op is no less valuable than her husband just because her occupation is unpaid.

This isn’t about her being a Sahm

It was their agreed day for her lie in (presumably he gets the other day)

And she was called a selfish bitch

Op says he has shown previous reluctance to spend quality one on one time with his child & resents whenever she wants any alone time.

That he gets stroppy every time he has to watch the kids

That’s not right

Op sounds like you’ve had enough of him & making your escape plans already

And no kids don’t need fancy holidays, they need a loving home.

Can't believe some of these responses. If he was single he would most likely still have the same job, be working and earning the same. Not that many people choose to limit their earning as its just them, and seek more when they become the provider so all this' pressure' being the sole earner is mostly bollocks and hugely oversold on here as an excuse for men to do sweet FA. She is providing thousands of pounds worth of childcare so he can do that.
OP, get online and see what help you could get and start quietly gathering evidence of his salary and pension. Start researching housing costs etc and maybe look at childminders rather than nurseries.

@HugeAckmansWife

Can't believe some of these responses. If he was single he would most likely still have the same job, be working and earning the same. Not that many people choose to limit their earning as its just them, and seek more when they become the provider so all this' pressure' being the sole earner is mostly bollocks and hugely oversold on here as an excuse for men to do sweet FA. She is providing thousands of pounds worth of childcare so he can do that. OP, get online and see what help you could get and start quietly gathering evidence of his salary and pension. Start researching housing costs etc and maybe look at childminders rather than nurseries.

Yes quite. And if he lived alone he would have to do housework and cooking etc outside of work, even removing considering anything around his child, it doesn't sound like he does that. My ex used to moan about having to do his own washing and washing up, helping with tea sometimes etc, if he worked and lived alone he would have to do it.

The roles are reversed in my house I am the breadwinner, DP is the SAHD/teacher.

On a typical day, he heads out for exercise first thing. I get the kids up, give them breakfast, get them dressed. DP gets back about 8.30. I jump in shower grab brekkie and start work at 9.

He is in sole charge of the kids 9 to 5. I am generally in meetings for most of the day. I could make myself available if needs br, but would need advance warning to manage my diary. I have had to leave work on a few occasions to help manage meltdowns.

As soon as 5pm rolls round I stop work and hang out with the kids til bedtime. We alternate putting them to bed.

Saturday I get til 1pm to do what I want. Sunday he gets the same.

He does 80% of cooking and cleaning. This I think is not particularly fair on him, and I am trying to redress, but to be fair he has higher standards than me!

What we have works for now while the kids are small. But I do want him to have a way to get back and earning by the time both are in school. Being solely responsible for the finances is a worry.

We worked this out by talking ALOT. The last year has been tough on everyone. There is no hierarchy of miserable. Being kind is paramount. If you don't have kindness I dont see how a relationship with huge underlying power imbalances can work without kindness being at its core, which I don't think you have.

He has actually frightened me a bit this morning..

He was playing with a balloon with our son and kept throwing it on my head trying to play/get me to come round and I was cool, gently laughed - then he came over and sort of wiped my face with his hands whilst I was on my phone.. it was a real invasion of my space and I said I didn’t like it and not to do it again, he got angry and said ‘what’s your problem? Setting boundaries? Why you carrying things on? Get off your high horse, sort yourself out, go read another article..’ I was standing as he walked past me and he said I was blocking his path (I wasn’t) literally could see his heart pumping out his chest.. he then proceeded to get our son dressed to take him out, very militant and kept telling our son to ‘sit’ ‘be quiet, I’m taking you out’

I said ‘pls don’t be angry with him he’s done nothing..‘ he said ‘don’t undermine me’

Literally got to the front gate to go and son kept wanting a cuddle and kiss with me so he turned back I said stop being an ‘angry dog’ and he said ‘I’m not doing this’ - and marched back inside our son standing there looking confused - he then turned to me and said “you’ve done this!!” And said ‘I’m not in the right state of mind to take him out’ and went upstairs.

I feel fucking trapped by this nasty piece of work.

Im so angry but need to keep peace for son right now..