Husband called me a selfish bitch this morning and got so angry

[JC2021]

So to try cut a long story short - it was my 'lie in' morning and I decided this time to stay upstairs and out the way while husband and DS (nearly 2.5 yrs) were downstairs together, I was on the laptop looking to book classes for son, done some exercise then had a shower - I really needed my own space (rare, but i did today). I was ready at 09:30am.

The plan was to head out although the exact timings hadn't been communicated - my DS kept calling after me 'mummy' and husband left him calling.. I called down and explained mama was brushing her hair and i'd be downstairs very soon.

So husband stormed upstairs and said how uncomfortable it was for our son to be calling me and me not to go down there.. how i was a selfish bitch and was having the 'luxury' of my own time whilst they were waiting for me to go out..

I never do this!! He doesn't seem to like me having own time or space away from looking after our son, as he knows he has to step up. So I went down when I was dressed kissed my son and gave him a hug and got him dressed to go out.. (He is also in with me each night and husband moves to spare room for a lovely rest)

He takes him out once a week to the park - he does play with him, but i do all of our son's meals, housework, take him out pretty much everyday..

the other day i didn't feel too well and stayed home, he was on my back 'why are you not taking him out? he hasn't been out today'

i said you do it i don't feel good / headache/cold - he came back with 'i'm working full time (at home) and don't have time today' - he does. he can make time.

I rarely ask anything of him, but when i do, it's a like i'm taking the piss where he is working full time and funding us..

so so sick and tired of this dynamic - he's worn me down in many ways over the years..

You need to get away from him OP, you and your son deserve better. Easier said than done I know. Is there anyone in real life you can confide in and seek support from?

Is there anywhere you can go stay with your kids while you see a solicitor to get him out of the house? Do you have parents you can stay with? He’s upping the behaviour because he can feel he’s losing control

You could call the police to get him out. What would happen if you told him you wanted him to leave

Haven’t read other posts but if I was working and dh was off I would be very annoyed if he was taking til 9:30 to get ready - when I need to start work 8/8:30. That’s not on. Also, the weekends I feel like I need a rest too after work week ! We normally do alternate days of lie in. If he was ill then of course I’d take over though

He would probably cry and ask me to stay it has happened once before.. his dad also passed away 6 years ago today and he will likely blame his behaviour on that - he has done that before..

I do have my mum in London but don’t want to create instability for my son.. he needs his own room

But your sons got instability now with is dad being a dick ! If this was your daughter what would your advice be ?

Ok this situation is not good.

You seem to be preoccupied with “Lifestyle” reasons that you can’t just take your son & go

“My son needs fancy holiday”

“My son needs his own room”

Your son needs to not be left looking lost & confused by a piece of shit that has told him he is going to the park, then to get back at mum throws in the towel leaving son Disappointed.

Your son needs a mother who is not walking on eggshells & living with an intimidating piece of shit

Pack your bags & take your son to London

So what he will cry & beg for you to come back? Yes that is what an abusive person usually does - they will cry / threaten / beg / promise to do whatever to get you to put your boundaries & needs last + put them first.

You are basically saying you could be out of there tomorrow but a 2 year old will suffer for not having a room?

People live in vans with their children & call it hipster van life

Your child will be just fine without a room & wont even remember this if you do it soon. Don’t wait! You sound upset & scared.

He has done more than enough for you to split on him. This isn’t how a good or kind person behaves, or treats the mother of their child & partner.

I have lived in a refuge (not in your country) and while it was lovely I will say that parents & their kids had their shared room. My friend had her 2 kids in a bunk bed & her on a single bed

If things get worse for you then the least of your problems will be that you & your son share a room.

I don’t mean to scare you - just trying to highlight just how meaningless of a reason that is to stay even one more day if it is holding you back.

He sounds utterly awful & quite cruel to your son too. How ironically as a 2 year old to be told you’re going to the park then have to miss out due to Daddy having a tantrum.

This is chilling. To use your child like that. And he's doing it so you behave so your son doesn't get upset.

Listen to yourself.

"I can't leave this abuser because my son needs his own room"

"I can't leave this abuser because my son needs stability"

Your son does not need his own room right now. He needs to live somewhere where his father isn't using him to work out the father's anger.

And you are not providing stability now. Life with a man who goes off over nothing - anytime - is not stable.

You can provide a bedroom and stability on your own.

@PopUpName exactly!

Stability is you actually get to go to the park when told you’re going to the park

Not having it ripped out from under you

I bet your son is already picking up on the dad’s moods creating an awful atmosphere & is likely going to be scared of him too. That kind of anger is really unsettling for children to be exposed to

He says I’m always playing the victim..

If I leave and stay with my mum then what..? I want to leave and not return

I want my own place - my mums is not settled she lives in a block of flats with noise and anti social behaviour..

I’m not making excuses just need to do the right thing ant the right time

He has pissed off out for a coffee and to go to the shops - I’m so so fuming

The wiping of face thing - an old friend's partner did this to me once. He didn't like me as he knew she'd confided in me how controlling he was and that he regularly became violent with her. It is a massive invasion of space. With regards to your son needing stability. I reckon he's more likely to be damaged by his mother staying with an abuser than not having his own room as a toddler....

He says I’m always playing the victim..

1. Who the hell cares what he says? Seriously, stop taking his f*ed up opinion into account.

1. You and your son are the victims. No playing neceasary.

Sorry to say but you are making excuses !

You “want” your own place
Your son’s “needs” outweigh your “wants”

You sound seriously hung up on lifestyle goals. Your own place. Fancy holiday, 2 year olds needing an own room. Can you not see how unimportant such things are?

Your son is being exposed to antisocial behaviour under his own roof by the person he should trust the most - his father. Yet the “antisocial sounds of neighbours” would traumatise him more? Is that what you’re saying there ?

Why would you put wanting your own Property before getting yourself & son out of that toxic environment.

I’m out - I just can’t stand when parents put their wants before a child’s needs & am childfree, but child abuse / neglect is a trigger for me.

Am upset a grandmum in a council flat is seen as a worse option to a child living in the conditions OP describes

Good luck Op

lovelivesmile ffs DO read the posts.. At least the first one properly. It's the weekend, he wasn't starting work, just fucked off at being a parent. And she is not 'off' she is caring for a toddler.

And this is your husband, right?

There will be a divorce setttlement. What money/assets are there to be split?

@HugeAckmansWife

lovelivesmile ffs DO read the posts.. At least the first one properly. It's the weekend, he wasn't starting work, just fucked off at being a parent. And she is not 'off' she is caring for a toddler.

Sorry op I misread the first post. I thought it was a working day. BY ‘off’ I meant not being at a job and, therefore, being the sahp. I’m not trying to say sahp isn’t work. It’s just if I’m working and he’s sahp then that’s where I need to prioritise my work and would expect sahp to prioritise dcs that day. On a Saturday, unless a prearranged lie in day for him (and seems he was up any way) don’t understand his anger at all. Also no way he should call you a bitch in any context. He sounds like he has massive anger issues and I would be afraid that would get physical at some point, hitting etc

@BehindMyEyes

He is also in with me each night and husband moves to spare room for a lovely rest

Here's the root of your problem - you have replaced your H with your son . Hs need attention too and it starts to go very bad very quickly if you persist like this .

Oh BS.

Co-sleeping does not mean replacing your husband with your child. It is often the only way of getting some rest.

You want to wait to work until your son is in school to go back to work. You aren’t sure what you want to do about your marriage.

That’s okay.

Just don’t waste this time. While you are thinking things through and sorting out your feelings, take some vocational courses, so you will be in a good position in a year to go for a job you fancy.

If you stay together, having your own source of income/identity outside of the house may help the dynamic with your husband. If you decide to leave you will be that much better off.

Wishing he would change and thinking it isn’t fair will get you no where. Make some positive moves of your own.

I'm on maternity leave with a 4 month old son. DH works mostly from home with a day or two away.

Without fail, if he's home working and not in meetings, he will take DS for half an hour here and there if I need him to. He also makes sure I have time to myself outside of work hours, he takes baby for a bit in the morning before he starts work because I'm up in the night with him and he does half the cooking/laundry (we have a cleaner). I wouldn't accept any less and funnily enough he actually loves spending time with his child and enjoys playing with him.

What is wrong with these men?!

He just said that he wouldn't want to do a full day with our son as it would be too much for him - he would rather get his mum to live with us (i'd rather leave before that happens) or get a nanny..

co-sleeping/bed sharing - for us it is literally the only way we manage to get some rest..

i'm not hung up on lifestyle but i guess i didn't have a great upbringing and want to right by my son.

i will leave but now need to plan how and when.

Why does your son need his own room if he sleeps with you?

He’s using the mum guilt ohh whole day nursery it’s too much for a widdle one.

Someone’s actually said it on the thread. Gloomy ohhhh it’s too much catastrophising

Whole day is what one usually works, so under the guise of worrying about nursery he’s actually curtailing your ability to work. Don’t let him guilt you into it not working

Look into some online courses, think about planning your career