Husband called me a selfish bitch this morning and got so angry

[JC2021]

So to try cut a long story short - it was my 'lie in' morning and I decided this time to stay upstairs and out the way while husband and DS (nearly 2.5 yrs) were downstairs together, I was on the laptop looking to book classes for son, done some exercise then had a shower - I really needed my own space (rare, but i did today). I was ready at 09:30am.

The plan was to head out although the exact timings hadn't been communicated - my DS kept calling after me 'mummy' and husband left him calling.. I called down and explained mama was brushing her hair and i'd be downstairs very soon.

So husband stormed upstairs and said how uncomfortable it was for our son to be calling me and me not to go down there.. how i was a selfish bitch and was having the 'luxury' of my own time whilst they were waiting for me to go out..

I never do this!! He doesn't seem to like me having own time or space away from looking after our son, as he knows he has to step up. So I went down when I was dressed kissed my son and gave him a hug and got him dressed to go out.. (He is also in with me each night and husband moves to spare room for a lovely rest)

He takes him out once a week to the park - he does play with him, but i do all of our son's meals, housework, take him out pretty much everyday..

the other day i didn't feel too well and stayed home, he was on my back 'why are you not taking him out? he hasn't been out today'

i said you do it i don't feel good / headache/cold - he came back with 'i'm working full time (at home) and don't have time today' - he does. he can make time.

I rarely ask anything of him, but when i do, it's a like i'm taking the piss where he is working full time and funding us..

so so sick and tired of this dynamic - he's worn me down in many ways over the years..

@tiredmum2468

I was the one who went back to work FT and dh stayed home. It was brilliant! I liked my job, but it was full on and I often worked late (home by 7 or 8). Dh usually cooked and did the shopping - sometimes I would stop on the way home if he'd had a bad day - and did most of the day-to- day cleaning. We split the cleaning on the weekends and we each had alone-time.

It's a myth that the full time earner needs constant coddling. A myth that usually makes women into servants and nannies.

You don't have a partner, OP. You have a whining, lazy teenager who is convinced that it's not fair.

It's a shame your DH sees his child as such an inconvenience, rather than happy to spend the day with him after him working the week.

Is this normal language he would use to address you ? It really isn't acceptable to speak to you like this, and not up to him to dictate how you spend your time with your child.

Have a few posters missed he called his wife a selfish BITCH???

Have standards slipped so low this being missed???

No one should call you a bitch OP.

@DavidsSchitt

Ok, time to apply for some full time work.

Redress the balance

And hows does that solve the way he speaks to her??

Jesus

Or make him a better father.

@tiredmum2468

This might be unpopular but here goes....

To be honest if you stay at home all week and he provides for you and then to expect a lie in I kind of get why he'd be pissed off

You've chosen to become a parent and lie ins until they are older aren't usually on the cards - he's also 2 and a half and there's no earthly reason you couldn't work even for afew hours a week to show willing

Just put yourself in his shoes how would you feel if he was the one at home all week and you were the provider

Oh please!

How does working mon-fri give him the right to call his wife a bitch? Or not care for his child for a few hours?

The excuses coming out on here is shocking.
He calls her a bitch, is a shit dad but it's the Ops fault for or working.

When oh when will we please stop excusing shit behaviour from men.
And treating them like children that can't possibly work and care for a child.

Get a job, OP. Both parents need to contribute financially and domestically.

@Parkperson

Get a job, OP. Both parents need to contribute financially and domestically.

And he'll stop calling her a bitch then? Like magic?

@Parkperson

Get a job, OP. Both parents need to contribute financially and domestically.

As if it's one size fits all. In your life that may be necessary, in others it's not and if it's their choice, that's up to them.

And it most certainly doesn't excuse or resolve the problem of the OPs husband calling her a bitch.

@Silenceisgolden20

"And hows does that solve the way he speaks to her??

Jesus"

It doesn't. Did anyone say it did? Oh, and there's need to call me Jesus

Sounds like he's the selfish one and he wouldn't be any less unpleasant if you worked so don't think that will cure him.

In fact @Silenceisgolden20 I have just noticed you've completely gone off on one with post after post there quite clearly projecting.

Yes, he called her a bitch. The OP is completely reliant on him and doesn't know how she let it get so far. She's going to need to be able to support herself. That'll be much easier with an income and it is what she wants.

"he wouldn't be any less unpleasant if you worked so don't think that will cure him."

Agreed but it's not all about him is it? The OP wouldn't be working to "cure him". A woman can have a job without it serving some man-related purpose

Does it resolve how he speaks to her No but gives her option other than housewife
At moment she’s financially dependent,no recent work exp. needs to get a start on being autonomous
On a practical level if she has options her life is considerably enhanced. That’ll make a difference to her
The husband is boorish that’s not in doubt

@DavidsSchitt

In fact *@Silenceisgolden20* I have just noticed you've completely gone off on one with post after post there quite clearly projecting.

Yes, he called her a bitch. The OP is completely reliant on him and doesn't know how she let it get so far. She's going to need to be able to support herself. That'll be much easier with an income and it is what she wants.

Not projecting, as you don't know me you are guessing there.

Responding isn't 'going off', i was replying to a response when I saw it

In fact @Silenceisgolden20 I have just noticed you've completely gone off on one with post after post there quite clearly projecting

I did notice you also posted one after another with a few posts. I dont think its projecting its just wanting to say what you want, and replying to different posts, be it in separate posts.

Anywhoo, OP this is a DH problem, he should not be talking to you like that, ever.

If you want to get a job, great, not sure how easy that is for someone in a pandemic, without independent finances for childcare. And it certainly wont change the way he treats you.

Hes not giving a great example to his child, although he doesnt seem that interested in spending time with his child, which is sad for the kid.

Is he normally so disrespectful?

I wouldn’t take being called a selfish bitch, especially over such a trifling matter. Some men are unable to comprehend that they need to be a parent as well as a worker (eg, an office worker), just as the other person is a parent as well as a worker (cleaner, cook, general housework). They think that because their job earns a wage that makes them exempt from parenting. And they should get the whole weekend free. It’s a really toxic mindset.

Have I stumbled on to another forum?

Surely the issue here is OP's husband's total lack of respect rather than her working or not?

Being a SAHP does not mean the person is solely responsible for every single thing child-related. He's a parent too.

He sounds dreadful @JC2021, you shouldn't have to put up with that.

Op said she regrets being financially dependent upon her husband,that needs exploration and it’s something she can actually fix
@GlendaSugarbeanIsJudgingYouDo you mean the answers aren’t to your liking as opposed to being on another forum?
There’s not a predetermined script. Answers depend on the original post and who responds
it’s agreed he’s boorish. That’s not in dispute
Going forward op needs to sort employment and earning power,she’s already acknowledged this

She said that after her occupation was brought up by you.

Of course, the answers aren't to my liking, they are ridiculous. She shouldn't have a lie because he works? Nonsense.

Calling your wife a selfish bitch isn't "boorish" it's fucking disgraceful.

@GlendaSugarbeanIsJudgingYou

Have I stumbled on to another forum?

Surely the issue here is OP's husband's total lack of respect rather than her working or not?

Being a SAHP does not mean the person is solely responsible for every single thing child-related. He's a parent too.

He sounds dreadful @JC2021, you shouldn't have to put up with that.

No sadly you haven't.

Of course the issue here is the DH being an absolute disrespectful and vile individual for saying to this to the mother of his child for having time to herself on her turn for the morning lie in. This had nothing to do with the OPs choices but all to do with his dreadful behaviour.

The OP wants to get a job, and I hope she does, I'm just not sure how that happens easily with unemployment set to rise, a husband unwilling to help with childcare on no financial independence.

OP hopefully you have someone who can help, or wait a few months and see if there are any part time jobs when your child get a few hours in a nursery setting, good luck.

lie in*

The op is responsible for her own posts,I didn’t compel her to agree with me
Clearly it’s a point that resonates with the op. Her lack of financial independence and it leaves her vulnerable

My ex (note ex) was like this, and no, it didn't get any better when I went back to work full time. Someone who respects and loves you wouldn't speak to you like that regardless of whether you work or not.

Absolutely reasonable to have a lie in once a week, if DS says where's mummy it's not bloody cruel for you not to go down, he can just say mummy is in bed relaxing or whatever. He sounds lazy as well, honestly I doubt he will get better, imo it's easier to provide financially than it is to be supportive and actually parent your child.