Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Hurdles in relationships x

100 replies

Hurdles123456 · 04/03/2021 09:17

What hurdles have you overcome in your relationship?!

Ours are:
Him messaging other women.
His Infertility.
Him hating my pet.
Losing his job, (by his own fault)
Money problems & newborn at the same time.
Him taking18mths to bond with our miracle child. (After me having to go through 2 years of ivf)
My health problems causing me daily pain.
Moving house that he then decides that he regrets & feels like I forced him to because I was more keen to.

OP posts:
JackieweaverhasALLtheauthority · 04/03/2021 09:19

So really you have one hurdle which is that your partner is an absolute fuckwit.

Why are you still with him?

Fridainexile · 04/03/2021 09:20

Your partner sounds like too much work. Life doesn’t have to be so shit. There’s no point to be proud of all this, when you could be celebrating divorce. Sorry if it isn’t the answer you were looking for.
Btw, some of yours aren’t hurdles , they’re dealbreakers. Don’t be a doormat.

Joiningthegossip · 04/03/2021 09:23

Sounds like you don't like him very much

JackieweaverhasALLtheauthority · 04/03/2021 09:26

@Joiningthegossip would you????

chillied · 04/03/2021 09:27

Whaaaat!
None of those apart from money worries and new born at the same time.

I'll bet you he isn't similarly analysing and wondering how he can get over relationship hurdles.

If you continue in this relationship know that it isn't how it should be and that he doesn't have your back.

takeanotherchillpill · 04/03/2021 09:28

@Joiningthegossip

Sounds like you don't like him very much
Or it sounds that there's not a lot to like about him.
SendMeHome · 04/03/2021 09:29

I wouldn’t have tried to jump the first hurdle there, let alone the rest of them.

JackieweaverhasALLtheauthority · 04/03/2021 09:29

So...hurdles in ny relationship have included the terminal illness and death of my father, personal ill health, financial worries, child rearing worries etc etc
The thing is my dh was my rock through it all. He was there all the way supporting me, working with me , loving him. I have NEVER had to doubt him.

Elieza · 04/03/2021 09:42

Is there anything good about him OP? Sounds like all the issues you face are caused by him and he dick like behaviour.

Can you get your health issues improved at all so you can have a better quality of life? That would be my first priority. Then you could work and that would enable you to leave him and you could sell the house, split the cash and go your Merry way.

Original poster
Hurdles123456 · 04/03/2021 09:53

I am genuinely interested to see what others have overcome??

I know how it sounds when I list it like that. He puts me through a lot but then he does change.
In the last year he has been a great Dad & always making our child laugh & spending time playing etc & gushing how much he loves him. He thought the excuse “I don’t like babies” was a good enough reason to put me through hell at one point.
He used to be very moody about my pet, but finally got over it.
He lost his job but then worked damn hard setting up his own company that is now doing well.

I very nearly left him after 6 months when he was messaging other women, the women were overseas he admitted to it being about ego reasons & because of his low testosterone I knew he wasn’t sex mad. Therefore I forgave him & believe it is in the past!!! He did a lot to rebuild the trust.

We have over come a lot but HE has put me through a hell of a lot too & I wish that I could say that he has been my rock, but instead he has let me down many of times.

OP posts:
ravenmum · 04/03/2021 09:53

Did you overcome those hurdles, or just learn to live with them?

After a couple of years with my exh I said we should break up, as we were shit at arguing. He said that you shouldn't just give up at the first hurdle - you should work on a relationship. I was impressed and stuck around. Our arguments got much better, though - in retrospect because I learned it was easier just to do what he wanted. Any working on the relationship was done entirely by me.

Unanananana · 04/03/2021 09:53

Hurdles? More like mountains. I think you need to reassess.

What does he bring to yours and your childs life? Because it doesn't seem like much.

Dery · 04/03/2021 09:56

I would always have understood hurdles to mean external factors which caused difficulties in what was otherwise a very healthy and joyful relationship between two individuals. What you’re describing is characteristics that render you incompatible with each other but which you decided to accept rather than treat as deal-breakers. But you do have your lovely little one so you probably consider it worth having ignored those objections and I would too.

The question is whether you want to remain with him now or whether you want to separate. Based on what you describe, I would be opting for the latter.

Easterbunnygettingready · 04/03/2021 09:58

Hurdles? You have been backpacking over the Hymalayas pet...

wifterwafter · 04/03/2021 10:14

@Easterbunnygettingready your comment is so true and had me lol!

ravenmum · 04/03/2021 10:19

So he has done a whole list of unpleasant things, and managed to iron out a couple of the problems that he created.

Where's the list of unpleasant things that you have done?
Or the list of unpleasant things that have just happened, that life throws at you?

All your hurdles so far are things he has done.

Original poster
Hurdles123456 · 04/03/2021 10:21

What is it that’s making everyone feel as though the relationship isn’t worth saving?

The taking 18 months to bond with our child, especially after Ivf was horrendous for me & the worst thing on the list!
When I used to speak to others about it, everyone would say men can suffer with post natel depression, do you think he is depressed??
I couldn’t get through to him. Then as soon as our child was walking & talking, it’s like something clicked & he finally loved him. Before he would say that he doesn’t like him let alone love him; which I know is awful. Now he acts oblivious & says “the past is in the past” but of course all my emotional pain doesn’t just go away.

With regards to my health I keep trying different meds since having our child, for years because of ivf & pregnancy I couldn’t be on the meds that helped me & now the problem has got worse.....

OP posts:
Easterbunnygettingready · 04/03/2021 10:22

I would have Ltb after your first listing...

Unanananana · 04/03/2021 10:29

What is it that’s making everyone feel as though the relationship isn’t worth saving

Erm....all of it? Plus now he is minimising it by saying 'the past is in the past'. What about you? What example does it set your child? Have you considered that maybe part of the reason you need meds is because of him?

You should raise your bar. You are worth more than the scraps he throws you.

Miffyliffy · 04/03/2021 10:38

Yeah I was thinking your list would be nothing and thought it would make my relationship look bad.....

Actually I haven't had anything close to that, not a single thing on that whole list. I certainly would not put up with any of that.

Each one of those would have been a deal breaker for me.

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 04/03/2021 10:39

What hurdles has he overcome for you?

To be honest all this talk of hurdles is very sad. You say hurdles I say you are overlooking seriously awful behaviour. The reason you are struggling with it is because he refuses to take any responsibility for how dreadful he has been.

Hurdles in a relationship are things you work on together - like supporting each other if one of you has been made redundant or how you rearrange childcare if one of your parents is seriously ill. The things you talk about are horrible things he has put you through.

I couldn't have tolerated any of the things you describe.

Eckhart · 04/03/2021 10:39

What is it that’s making everyone feel as though the relationship isn’t worth saving

The fact that the way he's overcoming all the hurdles is by being 'trained' by you. This means there's a high likelihood that he will revert to type in some if not all of the ways.

Also, if he was messaging other women while you were together, he's obviously quite capable of hiding very unacceptable truths from you. Trust him at your peril.

As a matter of interest, how many similar indiscretions have you committed in the relationship, where he's had to lay down boundaries and you've had to stick to them? What kind of hell have you put him through? If it's not equal, then he's 'putting you through hell', and having a fine old time himself. Is that the relationship you want to model for your miracle child?

DamnShesaSexyChick · 04/03/2021 10:42

He doesn’t really sound worth it tbh OP.

JackieweaverhasALLtheauthority · 04/03/2021 10:49

I couldn't have got past other women for a start.

Watching the way my husband was with my babies made me love him even more.

Knowing that i can rely on him ALWAYS is the bedrock of our relationship basically.

ravenmum · 04/03/2021 10:50

What is it that’s making everyone feel as though the relationship isn’t worth saving
The fact that all the hurdles are things he has done. And the fact that instead of being your rock, he has let you down time after time. And the fact that this question means you think the relationship needs saving.

But it sounds as if you could stay in this relationship indefinitely, because you are OK with putting your needs second, have got used to him letting you down and would probably forgive him for other, serious "hurdles" in future.