Page 2 | Hurdles in relationships x

Hurdles123456 · 2021-03-04T09:17:42+00:00

What hurdles have you overcome in your relationship?! Ours are: Him messaging other women. His Infertility. Him hating my pet. Losing his job, (by his own fault) Money problems & newborn at the same time. Him taking18mths to bond with our miracle child. (After me having to go through 2 years of ivf) My health problems causing me daily pain. Moving house that he then decides that he regrets & feels like I forced him to because I was more keen to.

Eckhart · 04/03/2021 10:54

But it sounds as if you could stay in this relationship indefinitely, because you are OK with putting your needs second, have got used to him letting you down and would probably forgive him for other, serious "hurdles" in future

Yes, this is the worry. You have a very low bar, OP, and he doesn't even meet that.

Original poster

Hurdles123456 · 04/03/2021 10:54

I can blame him for a lot, but not for my health issues!
I do ask myself when have I ever let him down or what are my bad points etc & no nothing does compare.

It’s not his fault that we had two years of ivf. However during those two years he wasn’t my rock either.

Some people forgive affairs. The messaging other women was many many years ago & as I said he did make a real effort to build the trust back & this is something that he did really apologise for; unlike other hurtful things.

Most things we have “overcome” because as time goes on he snaps out of it. The whole house move thing, I try to let his negativity go over my head, as I know within time he will be over it!! We viewed the house twice; it was a joint decision, but once we moved he has been up & down about it.

OP posts:

Outbutnotoutout · 04/03/2021 10:57

What a loser...I would have left him at 6month when he was messaging other women.

That's not a hurdle, that a great big red flag 🚩

ravenmum · 04/03/2021 10:59

My relationship with my exh kind of survived him working in another town for 3 years, coming home at weekends. The relationship continued a few years after. But it didn't survive him getting into the habit of having affairs while in the other town.

That relationship also survived him letting me down on multiple occasions, as I would just let it go. Losing me a job by persistently coming home late so that I had to take the kids to work with me was one notable example. I found a job with different hours.

Been in a "living together apart" style relationship for 4 years now, and he hasn't let me down once. He's never late without reason, and always thinks about how things might affect me. It is a different world.

ravenmum · 04/03/2021 11:00

Why do you think this topic has been on your mind, OP? What made you ask?

DianaT1969 · 04/03/2021 11:03

You must love gigantic hurdles. I'd have dropped him long before trying for a child.
Good luck with it.

Eckhart · 04/03/2021 11:04

I do ask myself when have I ever let him down or what are my bad points etc & no nothing does compare

So, why is it ok then? You are a loyal, loving, committed partner. He isn't. How come you're ok with that?

Given that he's duped you before, how can you be 100% confident he's not doing it now?

& this is something that he did really apologise for; unlike other hurtful things

Do you mean he's done other hurtful things and not apologised?

What would he have to do to make you leave him, OP? Or do you think you'd never ever leave him, because, whatever he does, you love him, and he's a good man, really, deep down?

wandawombat · 04/03/2021 11:05

That's not hurdles, that's him being your project & liking unnecessary dramas.

He sounds a bit trapped.

BibbityBobbety · 04/03/2021 13:18

The reasons you've given as to why you stay have nothing to do with him being a good partner. You're staying with him because he's a good father, and has a decent income. But is a shit partner.

He loves your child. Does he really truly love YOU? Respect you? Appreciate you? Consider you?

Original poster

Hurdles123456 · 04/03/2021 13:34

I thought that I was going to see lists from people overcoming infidelity, drug addiction, gambling, lies, wanting completely different things?? I would love to hear about other peoples hurdles please?

Some people have jumped to the wrong conclusions, instead of asking questions.

I could list plenty of good things about him & times when he has dropped everything to be there for me I.e when I got my car stuck in a mud swamp, or when I’ve accidentally broken something expensive of his & he says don’t worry it’s only money, even though he is not on a good income.....he just managed to get us out of debt after being out of work for a year.

I have made excuses for his bad behaviour-

He lost his job but he hated it, was burnt out & worked extremely hard to get back on track again.
He caused problems with regards to my pet, but my pet does wreck the home.

My partner had to have daily hormone injections for 10mths before having an operation before I could start ivf. This shows how much he was committed to having a child!! I have excuses like the hormones that he was on, the stress of ivf & not knowing if it was going to work, the stress of losing his job, the debt stress, our baby was a difficult one too with colic issues for 4mths etc

He can be thoughtful, he is very romantic & makes me feel special. We enjoy each other’s company. We compromise when we both need to. We have lots of great things about our relationship, but after moving house & him causing issues again it has made me think why oh why is there always something 😢

OP posts:

Fridainexile · 04/03/2021 13:44

You want a list of worse things other men have done to make you feel better about yours being a bit of a dickhead?
Well. I’m sure there are plenty, but that game is just a race to the bottom.
Most women wouldn’t have got past any of your ‘hurdles’ because burnt fingers from early relationships teach us about these types of ‘hurdles’ (red flags).

Eckhart · 04/03/2021 13:48

Why do other people's hurdles matter to you, @Hurdles123456? How will it be of help to you to hear about them?

Genuine question.

Katiekins1234 · 04/03/2021 13:48

We overcame an unplanned pregnancy at a young age with him struggling and being scared I was pregnant, but he was fine from the minute baby was born. And flirty messages to another woman but nothing else happened. I think its OK to go through hurdles but the good has to outweigh the bad.

autumnalrain · 04/03/2021 13:49

This is a very shocking list, crazy what women put up with these days!

Original poster

Hurdles123456 · 04/03/2021 13:53

After being through a lot, stretched out over several years, I am curious to hear about other peoples relationships & problems that they have overcome. It’s got nothing to do with making myself feel better!!

Some people on here make ridiculous assumptions.

I didn’t make this post to hear about worse men. I already know there are plenty!! I wanted to know what life events have people gone through in their relationships out of pure interest.
Ivf was a difficult time for me, but now I’m blessed & all that emotional pain has gone.

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ravenmum · 04/03/2021 13:54

I listed a few examples of hurdles above - I can't say the ones I got through with my exh were anything to celebrate, but I did get through them, except the infidelity. I guess that, like me, many people find these things depressing, rather than something that you would post about proudly here. Plus, if you read this board much, putting up with a load of shit is not the usual vibe!

As for the current guy, as I say, we have been seeing each other 2-3 days a week for the last 4 years, with a 45-minute "hurdle" trip each way. When we started out, I thought I'd be fed up of the trip after a couple of months, but in fact, it's still pleasant, as I'm always looking forward to seeing him. So not actually a hurdle, I guess. Sorry.

kitschplease · 04/03/2021 13:58

Agree hurdles is an understatement. He sounds awful.

Original poster

Hurdles123456 · 04/03/2021 14:00

Yeah it’s nice to those who have answered my question.
It’s a shame so many people de rail these threads.
I regret sharing now. I was being honest about my relationship how it has been rocky but not all bad either!!

OP posts:

Eckhart · 04/03/2021 14:03

@Hurdles123456

After being through a lot, stretched out over several years, I am curious to hear about other peoples relationships & problems that they have overcome. It’s got nothing to do with making myself feel better!!

Some people on here make ridiculous assumptions.

I didn’t make this post to hear about worse men. I already know there are plenty!! I wanted to know what life events have people gone through in their relationships out of pure interest.
Ivf was a difficult time for me, but now I’m blessed & all that emotional pain has gone.

You're making excuses, whether you like it or not, OP.

People in healthy relationships don't detail their partner's misdemeanours and then say 'Oh, but it was over a long period of time', as if that means he didn't actually do those things.

People in healthy relationships aren't interested purely 'out of curiosity' in what other people's partners have done wrong, or how other people's relationships have gone wrong, because they are not interested in relationships that go wrong. That's why they're not in them.

Eckhart · 04/03/2021 14:04

@Hurdles123456

Yeah it’s nice to those who have answered my question. It’s a shame so many people de rail these threads. I regret sharing now. I was being honest about my relationship how it has been rocky but not all bad either!!

I don't think it's derailing, OP. People are concerned that you're in a bad relationship which is likely to go badly wrong, and that you haven't realised it.

Silenceisgolden20 · 04/03/2021 14:10

What is the point of your thread OP? To just ify your relationship to strangers?
You want to hear what other hurdles other couples have been through to compare?
A lot of posters arent agreeing you have had hurdles but more massive things you have put up with.

And there is a lot of back tracking.....

Dkfhenzkghsm · 04/03/2021 14:11

There are some things that people should not try to "overcome".

You want people to encourage each other to stay in abusive relationships? To normalise abuse and dysfunction? To normalise an acceptance of a parent rejecting an infant continuously throughout their most crucial developmental period?

No.

I am not being complicit in those things and you shouldn't be asking anybody else to be either.

You haven't overcome anything.

ravenmum · 04/03/2021 14:12

I was wondering if this was a roundabout way of starting to discuss your problems. It's unusual, to say the least, for people to post issues like this without wanting to know if they should leave, for instance.

Original poster

Hurdles123456 · 04/03/2021 14:13

I admit to making excuses, & I’ve tried to explain those excuses to each situation.
I don’t like it when what I say is being twisted. Like the “oh but it’s been over a long time” I haven’t made an excuse like that, my point was that we have over come completely different situations each time!! That’s why the relationship has lasted. If he had messaged women again I would have left, if he hadn’t of bonded with our child I would have left, if he hadn’t got a job I would have left.
The hurdles have been completely different.

People ask questions out of curiosity all of the time. Women love to hear about other peoples relationships.

OP posts:

Unanananana · 04/03/2021 14:14

@Hurdles123456

Yeah it’s nice to those who have answered my question. It’s a shame so many people de rail these threads. I regret sharing now. I was being honest about my relationship how it has been rocky but not all bad either!!

I think the regret is coming from the scales falling from your eyes tbh. You were expecting a lot of people to say that your relationship 'ain't that bad because we've come through xxxx' but that is not what has happened.

I'm sorry you have accepted so much crap for so long. You can do so much better for yourself and your child.