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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Hurdles in relationships x

100 replies

Hurdles123456 · 04/03/2021 09:17

What hurdles have you overcome in your relationship?!

Ours are:
Him messaging other women.
His Infertility.
Him hating my pet.
Losing his job, (by his own fault)
Money problems & newborn at the same time.
Him taking18mths to bond with our miracle child. (After me having to go through 2 years of ivf)
My health problems causing me daily pain.
Moving house that he then decides that he regrets & feels like I forced him to because I was more keen to.

OP posts:
Unanananana · 04/03/2021 17:46

The truth hurts, doesn't it?

Hopefully this thread will make you want better for yourself and your child.

Eckhart · 04/03/2021 17:46

The whole beat the dog post....completely lost me

Well, people who don't want to understand something won't understand it.

Good luck, as I said.

sunnyzweibrucken · 04/03/2021 18:33

Gee...

If these are in order of how they happened then the first hurdle on your list would've been the last hurdle for me.

I don't know if any one person could have these many character flaws and overcome them to be a perfect partner. It doesn't seem possible.

sapphired · 04/03/2021 18:40

Our biggest hurdles have been:
Issues with step kids
Both our exes
Only two but quite big ones.

We did overcome them though and came through stronger

draughtycatflap · 04/03/2021 18:43

The Mumsnet Grimmers are out in force OP. Pay them no mind they could be anyone.

Eckhart thinks I’m an unpleasant 14 year old with newly learned swear words. I might be...

Eckhart may be a hairy arsed man with a penchant for dried up kippers. Or married to one.

Who knows!

MrsBobDylan · 04/03/2021 19:05

I don't think it's the word 'hurdles' op but more the 'overcoming' them bit. I wouldn't class accepting an apology for messaging other women, starting to like/love your child after 18 months and getting a job after loosing one through bad behaviour as overcoming anything.

It would be inadequate for me. But if it suits you and your are happy then that's all that matters.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 05/03/2021 00:23

I can't fathom why knowing other people have stayed with arseholes would make it a good idea for you to do the same.

tobee · 05/03/2021 01:13

Having a stillborn 2nd daughter.

Him having a potentially life threatening illness that is now chronic.

But these have made us closer.

tobee · 05/03/2021 01:14

Correction. Not potentially life threatening. Life threatening.

PolkadotZebras · 05/03/2021 01:26

What is the point of this relationship from your perspective? Confused

Original poster
Hurdles123456 · 05/03/2021 08:11

There are plenty of posters that are nitpicking. I have been told the word HURDLE wasn’t the right word numerous of times. So now the word OVERCOME was also the wrong word!?

Not like my explanations are doing any good, because everyone has made their minds up already & wants to see it as me defending a horrible man.

However I will try again:
Messaging other women from overseas who he had no intention of meeting. - This took over a year to build the trust back up. I did not say that he said sorry & so I forgave him ! I said that he did ALOT to build the trust back up. He gave me access to his passwords etc & I said I don’t want to check up on you, I need to be able to trust you & he really did change knowing that he nearly lost me over something so stupid to him, but he saw how much it had hurt me & he regretted it deeply.
My point of it being many many years ago was that NOTHING similar has ever come up again to break that trust!!

Infertility/ not bonding with our colic hard work baby for 18mths. - It took almost 5 years from when we decided that we wanted children to having one in our arms. Perhaps everything we went through affected him psychologically. He had hormone treatment & an operation & 100’s of hospital appointments. Not knowing if it was going to work!
I expected him to feel like me, but he didn’t & he didn’t understand why. It took 18mths of working through it. I wish he was, how he is now, back then. NOW he is great.

Hating my pet that wrecks the house the furniture, smelly, noisy etc - I said we can’t keep having the same arguments, the pet is here to stay & he finally got over it & stopped moaning.

Losing his job - I didn’t say he lost his job because of bad behaviour!! Exactly what I mean about posters twisting my words!!!!!
I said his own fault. I also added he hated his job, he was burnt out. I will now add that his boss was a bully he was made to work 15hr shifts with no overtime. His workload kept on increasing & he was struggling.
He was out of work for a long time, therefore we had to take out loans to pay our living costs. The debts were increasing. We already had ivf loans. It felt like we would never get out of all the debt. However he worked really hard to set up his own company, working 7 days a week to get things done etc So this yes I am proud of him for! Plus this happened with a newborn- therefore it being even more difficult to bond when working all the hours to get out of debt etc
However I still can’t comprehend why he didn’t feel love for our child straight away. This made me feel very protective over our baby & made me consider leaving him, it was a difficult time.

We chose our new home together but now he regrets it. This has given me a horrible sinking feeling, because I want him to be happy here. He was getting cold feet, but I probably brushed it off & didn’t take him seriously.

It is really difficult opening up when there are posters on here who want to be nasty. Then other posters defend them saying they are trying to help; which is nonsense.
Other nicer posters, thanks for your input.

OP posts:
FeistySheep · 05/03/2021 09:09

It does sound like he is willing to listen to you and make changes (even if it takes a wee while) and that is so so important. That is one thing I made absolutely sure of before I married DH! You can get past a lot of things in a relationship if you're both willing to talk, listen, and change.
I don't know enough about the cheating situation you mention to judge (and wouldn't want to) but I do hope that if my DH ever cheated and he was sorry that I would have the strength and grace to forgive him and rebuild. I guess this wouldn't apply to all 'types' of cheating, but definitely if he was messaging other women. I too would try to get past that. Maybe if it happened I would feel totally differently though, who knows!
Hope you can work through the house thing OP - it's something you can sort out I'm sure. Moving again would be worth it if that's what it takes. Good luck!

Eckhart · 05/03/2021 09:11

So now the word OVERCOME was also the wrong word

Which of the hurdles you have presented him with has he had to overcome?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 05/03/2021 10:14

OP, other people overcoming similar or worse hurdles doesn't mean it's any more healthy for you to overcome the ones in your relationship.

BibbityBobbety · 05/03/2021 10:28

OP, if you read your last post back, you should see a pattern in your relationship that EVERYTHING is a struggle. This is because you both aren't naturally compatible and so have to work very very hard to make your relationship flow.

Relationships should not have these many hurdles or problems. It really seems like you're both trying to make a bad thing work instead of accepting you want different things, you react to things differently and just aren't that compatible. The pattern you're in is that you have to constantly convince, coach and drag him along. Which he then resents and acts up over.

Hurdles are things out of your control. What you have listed are problem between you stemming for 2 very different people trying to build a life together. If it's so hard now, it will only get worse over the next decades.

whichwayisup · 05/03/2021 10:30

OP, we don't know your situation, onlywhat you've said. And even with your clarifications, he doesn't sound any better.

He won't be all bad, of course he won't, and ltb is not straight forward as it is not always the best thing for everyone.

I think maybe you should focus on the majority voices telling you that you are right when you list the worrying features of your relationship. You are right to think of him now moaning about the new house as yet another example of him causing unnecessary unhappiness.

It does all need figured out and most of the women on here will help you do that. There is so much wisdom and great advice. The posters you are most upset with have probably hit a raw nerve.

The story you have been telling yourself hasn't persuaded the women on Mumsnet. Maybe you should think about why that is. Maybe they have a point that would be worth considering?

Wanderlusto · 05/03/2021 10:58

Hurdles are things that happen to you both in a relationship and you work together to overcome. They aren't one person treating the other person like shit.

icdtap · 05/03/2021 11:13

So are you happy with him now you have overcome the hurdles? (Until the next hurdle appears).

Honestly, it shouldn't be that hard.

Anordinarymum · 05/03/2021 11:22

@Hurdles123456

There are plenty of posters that are nitpicking. I have been told the word HURDLE wasn’t the right word numerous of times. So now the word OVERCOME was also the wrong word!?

Not like my explanations are doing any good, because everyone has made their minds up already & wants to see it as me defending a horrible man.

However I will try again:
Messaging other women from overseas who he had no intention of meeting. - This took over a year to build the trust back up. I did not say that he said sorry & so I forgave him ! I said that he did ALOT to build the trust back up. He gave me access to his passwords etc & I said I don’t want to check up on you, I need to be able to trust you & he really did change knowing that he nearly lost me over something so stupid to him, but he saw how much it had hurt me & he regretted it deeply.
My point of it being many many years ago was that NOTHING similar has ever come up again to break that trust!!

Infertility/ not bonding with our colic hard work baby for 18mths. - It took almost 5 years from when we decided that we wanted children to having one in our arms. Perhaps everything we went through affected him psychologically. He had hormone treatment & an operation & 100’s of hospital appointments. Not knowing if it was going to work!
I expected him to feel like me, but he didn’t & he didn’t understand why. It took 18mths of working through it. I wish he was, how he is now, back then. NOW he is great.

Hating my pet that wrecks the house the furniture, smelly, noisy etc - I said we can’t keep having the same arguments, the pet is here to stay & he finally got over it & stopped moaning.

Losing his job - I didn’t say he lost his job because of bad behaviour!! Exactly what I mean about posters twisting my words!!!!!
I said his own fault. I also added he hated his job, he was burnt out. I will now add that his boss was a bully he was made to work 15hr shifts with no overtime. His workload kept on increasing & he was struggling.
He was out of work for a long time, therefore we had to take out loans to pay our living costs. The debts were increasing. We already had ivf loans. It felt like we would never get out of all the debt. However he worked really hard to set up his own company, working 7 days a week to get things done etc So this yes I am proud of him for! Plus this happened with a newborn- therefore it being even more difficult to bond when working all the hours to get out of debt etc
However I still can’t comprehend why he didn’t feel love for our child straight away. This made me feel very protective over our baby & made me consider leaving him, it was a difficult time.

We chose our new home together but now he regrets it. This has given me a horrible sinking feeling, because I want him to be happy here. He was getting cold feet, but I probably brushed it off & didn’t take him seriously.

It is really difficult opening up when there are posters on here who want to be nasty. Then other posters defend them saying they are trying to help; which is nonsense.
Other nicer posters, thanks for your input.

Wow what an awful lot of negatives. It seems you want to say what is wrong but then defend it to the death when others say what they think OP/

Messaging other women would be the deal breaker for me. No. That was premeditated and not on my watch thanks. He sounds like a real catch

puppychaos · 05/03/2021 11:45

If my partner did these things to me, regardless of the 'good' side, I wouldn't be celebrating 'all the things we got through'. I'd be getting away from them sharpish because I deserve better.

You do too OP. Your partner isn't meant to put you through so much or hurt you and you're wearing it as some sort of title when in reality you could be living a much better life without having someone totally fuck you about.

puppychaos · 05/03/2021 11:46

Relationships aren't meant to be horrible and toxic with people hurting each other and then staying anyway. Life isn't a tv show! Real happiness comes from being treated well, whether that's from someone else or from you.

harknesswitch · 05/03/2021 14:24

Those aren't hurdles, they are relationship ending behaviours (with the exception of his fertility and your health problems)

My hurdles are

He snore a lot
He's too soft with the dogs
He's too soft on my dd and spoils her

Errrr I think that's about it.

My ex was:

His affair
His selfish spending habits
His selfishness overall
His lack of support for me
His physical and emotional abuse

This is why he's an ex.

Mistystar99 · 05/03/2021 22:58

Your DH has put up with a noisy smelly dog he didn't want who destroys the furniture.
I would not want that.
You went though IVF together and he found it hard to bond with a child, as many men and women do.
Not great for either of you.
He left a job he hated but got another.
Why is OP the saviour in all this? Your DP has had a shit time too by the sound of it.

Carolina24 · 06/03/2021 07:34

Your only hurdle is your husband is a twat

Original poster
Hurdles123456 · 06/03/2021 11:14

In hindsight I would have gone about this thread differently.

I was curious about what stresses relationships have had, that have made them stronger & what stresses relationships have had, that have made relationships worse.

I wasn’t looking for excuses to stay. I know that I have worked through a lot already & I can’t take much more negativity from him. He hasn’t been my rock throughout our hard ships, & I do feel let down by him. I feel as though I have been a constant support to him & carrying the load.

I will figure it out.
I didn’t expect so much harsh judgment on here, especially with such little information about our relationship.

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