Page 3 | Hurdles in relationships x

Hurdles123456 · 2021-03-04T09:17:42+00:00

What hurdles have you overcome in your relationship?! Ours are: Him messaging other women. His Infertility. Him hating my pet. Losing his job, (by his own fault) Money problems & newborn at the same time. Him taking18mths to bond with our miracle child. (After me having to go through 2 years of ivf) My health problems causing me daily pain. Moving house that he then decides that he regrets & feels like I forced him to because I was more keen to.

Silenceisgolden20 · 04/03/2021 14:18

If it wasnt for this I would have left......

Said several times.
So he can do whatever really because as long as it's not the same shit behaviour, just a different type, it's ok to stay.

I can't see people agreeing with that.

trevthecat · 04/03/2021 14:20

If he had done it again I would of left

I dont think you would

FFSAllTheGoodOnesArereadyTaken · 04/03/2021 14:22

Wow. That's a massively one sided list. To me, hurdles are things that you both have no or little control over. Like one of you being made redundant or illness or family issues or infertility. That list has got a lot of things on there about him being deliberately shit. And the things you think are good about him are things most people would take for granted like loving their child or having a job.

Hurdles we have overcome include my health issues and general shitness and exhaustion that comes with having young kids. I'm sure there will be more in the future with families getting older etc. But they are things that happened to us that we worked together to overcome. Your list is really him being a twat and you working to get over it

tenlittlecygnets · 04/03/2021 14:22

@JackieweaverhasALLtheauthority

So really you have one hurdle which is that your partner is an absolute fuckwit.

Why are you still with him?

This with bells on. Hurdles are things you can't do anything about, like illness or death. Infidelity was your partner's decision, and you should have dumped him then. You've been doing all the work here, agonising over your relationship, working on it -what has he been doing? He sounds like a useless bellend.

Eckhart · 04/03/2021 14:27

@Hurdles123456

I admit to making excuses, & I’ve tried to explain those excuses to each situation. I don’t like it when what I say is being twisted. Like the “oh but it’s been over a long time” I haven’t made an excuse like that, my point was that we have over come completely different situations each time!! That’s why the relationship has lasted. If he had messaged women again I would have left, if he hadn’t of bonded with our child I would have left, if he hadn’t got a job I would have left. The hurdles have been completely different.

People ask questions out of curiosity all of the time. Women love to hear about other peoples relationships.

Best of luck to you. You waited 18 months for him to bond with your child. I wonder what the time limit was before you would have left. I also wonder what the 'not bonding' looked like. I have a feeling it wasn't 'doting father, very concerned about the fact that he isn't bonding with his baby, and doing everything he can to improve the bond.'

If he hadn't messaged any women, you'd be saying 'If he messaged other women, I'd leave.'

The relationship has lasted because you've let him off the hook for things that pretty much every PP thinks is a sackable offense. Nobody is twisting your words. You have posted something, and people have responded to exactly what you posted.

'Not saying what you want to hear' is not the same as 'twisting your words', and I think the fact that you think that is further proof that you don't take responsibility for your situation.

What you're doing is a bit like 'How does your husband beat the dog? Mine usually kicks ours, but I'm really curious about others' experiences..?'

And then being surprised when people say 'YOUR HUSBAND BEATS YOUR DOG??! HE'S HORRIBLE!!'

Mammyofasuperbaby · 04/03/2021 14:36

Ok, in 5 years we've been through;
Getting pregnant very early in the relationship (under 2 months in)
Me having 2 life threatening illnesses
Premature birth twice
Surgeries
Losing 3 babies through miscarriage
Nearly losing our 2 surviving children as new borns
Sil trying to separate us and alinate me from his family (didn't work)
Oldest child having long term medical conditions and SEND
Loss of close family members
Joblessness
Fetility issues
Mental health problems
Our wedding being cancelled twice

Dh has been my rock through it all and I've been his, all these hurdles have been dealt with together and they haven't damaged our relationship but made it stronger.
Apart from the fertility issues, if my dh had done one of the things on your list he would have been out of the door

FeistySheep · 04/03/2021 14:45

If it genuinely helps you to know, these are our 'hurdles':

Sick parent - this meant less time to spend together as sick parent needed a lot of care - we talked about it and supported each other.
Him giving too much weight on his parents' opinions, and not enough to mine! - this was early in our relationship and was resolved by me mentioning it, him saying 'oh yeah good point', and never doing it again.
Death of child - we talked about it and supported each other. Our relationship grew phenomenally.
Different desires when it comes to housing location - we resolve this by talking about it and compromise.

These are not things that either of us have done 'wrong' though (we're only five years in so that hasn't happened yet) - they are just life events really. Your list is similar OP, except the first point and the last point - they are not life events or things you can't help happened, they are offences committed against you.
Yes there are people out there whose relationships go through cheating/addiction/violence/porn use/manipulation etc. You're never going to get an accurate guess of how common this is from a forum though, assuming that's the point of this thread.

Original poster

Hurdles123456 · 04/03/2021 14:50

Thank you for your list!! It is interesting & eye opening to see what people/ relationships go through.
Sorry you have been through so much, glad you got your miracle babies! That’s lovely to hear that your partner supported you throughout.

I would not use anyone’s list to compare with mine. That’s not what I wanted from this at all.

There HAS been posters who have twisted my words.
Also it was INFERTILITY not INFIDELITY. Big difference.

I wasn’t looking for any opinions on my relationship. However I can accept them, even when bad. I found it interesting to see the consensus of most posters, but other posters have posted such nonsense that it’s hard to not feel hurt by their misconceptions & I shouldn’t have to feel like I need to defend myself when I’m giving honest replies.

OP posts:

Original poster

Hurdles123456 · 04/03/2021 14:55

Thanks for your list. I can’t imagine going through the death of a child. It is nice to hear that your relationship not only survived it but got better 💐

OP posts:

ravenmum · 04/03/2021 14:56

By "infidelity", people mean him messaging other women.

JorisBonson · 04/03/2021 15:05

They're not hurdles, they're relationship enders.

Hurdles to me are ill health, work issues, money problems. Infidelity is a deal breaker and doesn't fall into this problem.

draughtycatflap · 04/03/2021 15:08

It was a mistake to give the vipers here a list of your husband’s shortcomings to criticise. You see their husband’s are perfect fathers who earn eleventy million pounds a year and turn on the hoover when they walk through the door. And they all have big fat cocks so they can smug-fuck their perfect wives.

Pay them bitches no mind...

Eckhart · 04/03/2021 15:16

@draughtycatflap

It was a mistake to give the vipers here a list of your husband’s shortcomings to criticise. You see their husband’s are perfect fathers who earn eleventy million pounds a year and turn on the hoover when they walk through the door. And they all have big fat cocks so they can smug-fuck their perfect wives.

Pay them bitches no mind...

It doesn't take a viper to see that OP's list of her husband's failings is that of a poor partner.

I suspect that the people you're referring to have nice husbands who sometimes hoover, and a reasonable sex life, or at least one with reasonable communication. I suspect they also have a higher bar for a 'suitable partner' than OP.

Your hyperbole is really unpleasant and unnecessary. You come across as being about 14, using your newly learned swear-words because it's clever and grown up.

Loopyloututu2 · 04/03/2021 15:20

It was a mistake to give the vipers here a list of your husband’s shortcomings to criticise. You see their husband’s are perfect fathers who earn eleventy million pounds a year and turn on the hoover when they walk through the door. And they all have big fat cocks so they can smug-fuck their perfect wives.

Pay them bitches no mind...

Maybe people are just trying to get the OP to realise she doesn’t have to “get over” these “hurdles”. It absolutely does come across like she’s hoping to hear about other women getting over much worse things in order to convince herself she’s done the right thing in turning a blind eye to the abysmal behaviour displayed by her dh.
If she wants to stay with him that’s completely up to her but hopefully she’ll take on board, even just a little bit, what others are saying. It could even be empowering.

ravenmum · 04/03/2021 15:31

@draughtycatflap

It was a mistake to give the vipers here a list of your husband’s shortcomings to criticise. You see their husband’s are perfect fathers who earn eleventy million pounds a year and turn on the hoover when they walk through the door. And they all have big fat cocks so they can smug-fuck their perfect wives.

Pay them bitches no mind...

I guess you didn't read the thread closely enough to see the people describing how their ex-husbands were like OP's.

Original poster

Hurdles123456 · 04/03/2021 15:55

I don’t know how it came across as though I wanted to compare my relationship to others , or that I was proud of the things we have over come, because that is not the case at all. It was more like the last thing on the list has made me reassess my relationship because I feel as though I can’t take much more.

It is nice to hear how others have become closer through their hurdles. I know that none of mine have made me feel closer or stronger! Which is an important realisation!

I have been trying to give further explanation in my replies, but it doesn’t matter what I reply, as some people have made their minds up & they are twisting things. It’s probably best to ignore such posters.
Others are more sensitive & helpful.

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Silenceisgolden20 · 04/03/2021 15:59

@draughtycatflap

It was a mistake to give the vipers here a list of your husband’s shortcomings to criticise. You see their husband’s are perfect fathers who earn eleventy million pounds a year and turn on the hoover when they walk through the door. And they all have big fat cocks so they can smug-fuck their perfect wives.

Pay them bitches no mind...

Jesus Christ. Wtf?

Silenceisgolden20 · 04/03/2021 16:02

@Hurdles123456

I don’t know how it came across as though I wanted to compare my relationship to others , or that I was proud of the things we have over come, because that is not the case at all. It was more like the last thing on the list has made me reassess my relationship because I feel as though I can’t take much more.

It is nice to hear how others have become closer through their hurdles. I know that none of mine have made me feel closer or stronger! Which is an important realisation!

I have been trying to give further explanation in my replies, but it doesn’t matter what I reply, as some people have made their minds up & they are twisting things. It’s probably best to ignore such posters.
Others are more sensitive & helpful.

It came across you snares to compare because you listed your 'hurdles ' and then wanted to hear what other people had on their list. How is that not wanting to compare??

There is no point to your post.
What do you want people to say, yeah we've got that list too, isn't it hard?

whichwayisup · 04/03/2021 16:04

Sorry but I'm in agreement with the many voices saying you are not overcoming hurdles.

Hurdles are, in my view, things which life throws at you. For example in my own marriage: long term degenerative illness of parent; illness of DH, illness of DD; depression; money worries.

Messaging other women is not a hurdle to overcome, it is a sign he is a cheat and you should split with him. When this happened at the start of your relationship, he saw the fact that you stayed as an indication that he can do whatever he wants and you will "get over it" a bit like a "hurdle".

I wouldn't want to be hurdling over those kind of issues. I'd be saying... I'm not really into the hurdles to be honest, think I'll try the flat race.

And to illustrate that I'm not at home with my rich wonderful dh. Examples of things in my relationship which weren't hurdles: DH getting a lapdance; DH taking drugs secretly when we had young children; DH staying out all night and switching his phone off. They are examples of my husband being a dick. We haven't really got "over" those things, they've been corrosive and damaging. More like acid.

Silenceisgolden20 · 04/03/2021 16:05

OP I hope you have some support if you really can't take much more and I hope you find a way to look after yourself.
You may find you life improves without this man.
It usually does and it may be the release you need.

Eckhart · 04/03/2021 16:24

It was more like the last thing on the list has made me reassess my relationship because I feel as though I can’t take much more

Getting to the crux, now. OP, if your relationship is at the stage where you can't take much more, is it that you're looking for people to tell you that it is possible to get past issues like yours, and get back to their relationship being happy again?

ravenmum · 04/03/2021 16:34

I don’t know how it came across as though [...] I was proud of the things we have over come
I think it was me mentioning pride, as it sounded to me as if you were proud of having overcome these hurdles.

People are not deliberately twisting things - why? We're not your husband's enemies. We're just trying to make sense of what you're telling us - and a list of nasty things he's done, plus a vigorous defence of your relationship, is confusing.

It was a mistake to give the vipers here a list of your husband’s shortcomings to criticise
Shortcomings are not something that people generally applaud, are they? I honestly can't see why this reaction would be a surprise.

You've discovered that when you describe the unpleasant things your husband does, people are shocked you put up with that. There are two conclusions: people are bonkers, or that behaviour is crap. I can see why you'd go for the former.

Original poster

Hurdles123456 · 04/03/2021 16:59

I thought I had overcome a lot of difficult times. I shouldn’t have used the word hurdle as many posters are fixated on that word. They were not one off things, they were lengthy negative stages that impacted the relationship, but do not impact the relationship anymore.

No matter what other people have overcome it would not influence my thoughts!! I find some replies insulting. I was not using this thread to find an excuse to stay.
I know that I’ve made excuses in the past for my partner & I know that he is now on thin ice, so to speak, as I won’t tolerate any more emotional turmoil.

There have been some really crap replies on here. I think I need to turn my phone off because some posters have a point to prove so it doesn’t matter what I reply.

OP posts:

Eckhart · 04/03/2021 17:11

What point do you think any of us have an interest in proving, though?

What would be in it for us? Why would we bother? There's people here giving you valid advice and you're just deciding they have a point to prove because it's easier than accepting what they're saying. I'm not sure whether I'm included in your passive aggressive 'some people' remarks, but certainly from my point of view, my interest, on this, and on many threads, is to get people to realise when they're being treated like crap and need to get out. My interest is that because I've been treated badly myself, found my self esteem, got out, and want to spread the word that it's possible.

People not agreeing with you doesn't mean they're not on your side. I don't see many crap replies on this thread. There's a lot of people who are a bit alarmed that you seem to think that what you're accepting is a set of 'relationship hurdles', when what you are actually accepting is a partner who treats you really poorly, over years, and now has you at your wits end, whilst you defend him.

Original poster

Hurdles123456 · 04/03/2021 17:45

Ok so I’ve re read through posters comments & these are the things that stood out as crap-

Telling me that I will never leave him.
Telling me that I’m making excuses for him.....when I’ve blatantly explained that yes I have made excuses but I think I have very good explanations.
Saying that this thread is pointless.
Saying that I’m wanting to hear about worse men so that I can validate my reason to stay.
Saying it sounds like I don’t like him.
Saying he is trapped......??
Saying I’m probably on meds because of him......very offensive!
Saying he is being my project....??
Saying I’m staying with him because he is a good father & has a decent income.
The whole beat the dog post....completely lost me.
Saying that I want people to encourage each other to stay in abusive relationships.......I mean seriously!!!!

Thank you to the nicer posters!
Goodbye.

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