Not a typical mother and a weird person

[again2020]

I wanted to get this down. It's a bit of a rant, sorry. Maybe relationships isn't the correct board, I was unsure.

I'm not a naturally maternal or motherly type. Nor am I homely. I don't know what the opposite of homely is, but that's me. I guess I'm a free spirit. I used to rent a lot. I don't have many possessions such as furniture etc. I love running and being outside. It was cool when I was young but now I have a mortgage, partner and child (DD of 3).
I went back to work 4 days when she was 9 months old. I love my job. I have some good friends, I still like nights out and gigs (before covid!), I like going on holiday. I love days out.
I would never be contented staying at home so knew I could never be a SAHM. I had bad post natal depression and wanted to go back to work. I'm still getting over the shock of having a child and DD is 3.3!
She's brilliant and we do loads together. Painting, baking, playing and I can't wait for softplay to reopen. I think I'm a good mother but some people around me seem to think I'm not.
My SIL has a baby of 10 months and has given up her job. She is thought highly of by my partners family and MIL as better than me for this. She has barely left the house in the last year ( I know- a lot due to Covid) but has no plans and is happy to stay at home day in day out with her baby. By her own admission she has few friends and likes it that way.
In addition, both my SILs very homely and always have an 'interior design head' on and constantly thinking of decorating and DIY and cleaning. I don't. Why not? It's just not something that interests me. We have a nice house and I keep it clean. But it's not fun to me. I'm not massively into soft furnishings and always thinking about 'house stuff'. I'm quite minimal. Is this weird? Lots of women (and men) I know seem to think a lot about the house and it a hobby.

I do the bulk of the housework though. Ironing, washing up, mopping, bins, hoovering and clean bathrooms and toilets. My MIL always points to jobs I have missed ..such as yesterday it was bleaching DDs bathmat. I wouldn't have thought of this. Why not? My partner says it's because I am busy with work and don't take enough care. But I clean the house every week and I do my best.

I feel like compared to a lot of people in my life I'm quite weird as I have other interests and a different personality. My MIL and SILs, as well as a lot of friends seem to be very 'homely' or natural maternal types.
Thoughts? If you've made it this far and have an opinion or are like me let me know!
Am I really weird?

Oh wow, your MIL sounds like she's Gott too much time and your SIL sounds dull as dishwater. You on the other hand op sound great. Don't change a thing about yourself but let your dh know that he needs to help out more. Good luck!

Have you considered maybe it's SIL and MIL who are weird.. really weird..

Don't mean to hijack the thread, but I take it that in the UK "homely" means likes to stay home? In the US that's a "homebody" and homely means ugly. I was totally confused at first.

I think you sound cool and I’d be your friend!

I’m not homely, my family are, I am single now and prefer it even if all the jobs come down to me, I work full time and to the shock and horror of other parents I travel for work home and abroad to some family exotic places laving the kids. I actually can’t wait until they are older then we will be off! Safari, Australia wherever. My dream would be me and the 3 of them in a motor home around the world.

I love my house but I’m not into making it perfect unless it interests me at that time.

Your kid will love you as you are, you do you and ignore the naysayers!

You sound like a person who has a full life and has more going on than house, kids and marriage. Part of the reason I’m scared to have kids is that I don’t want to become one of those basic people who stay home all day, have no friends and barely a relationship left with their husbands. Keep doing you, and also can we be friends ? LOL!

Listen, I've got tons of kids, love interior design and only work part time from home. I have NEVER bleached a bath mat. Tell them all to fuck right off and take the bleach and bath mat with them.

Thank you everyone, you've really cheered me up and made me laugh! Especially about the bathmat!
It is a rubber kids bathmat and I probably should have bleached it, but hey ho.

It's nice to know that I'm not too odd...these people are the only ones I really speak to and you start to think everyone is like that!

I'm very touched by those who suggested being friends...Mumsnet is lovely sometimes and thank god for it! for everyone..like the hippy I am 😂👍

Lol I don't get all the bath mat bleaching horror. I bleach ours sometimes, it gets well manky underneath the sticky bits!

But as to your actual issue - they can fuck off can't they! You sound lovely and fun, and they can keep their snide criticisms to themselves. Everyone is different. Some people are homebodies, some people like to be out and about more. Some people are somewhere in between. As long as you're happy, that's what counts. And dh can piss off too, does he do an equal share of the house work? He's a grown man, if he wants something done he's more than capable of doing it himself!

Wow, did I read this right ? Not only do you do all the housework, your partner criticizes you for not doing enough ? And his family as well ? Just wow.

Okay, so here's what you need to do :

1. Cut waaaay back on housecleaning. People only appreciate what they had when they lose it.
2. Have a chat with partner about who does what. If he doesn't do his share don't pick up the slack !
3. Next time MIL comments on what you "should have done" tell her :"Oh, actually Partner was supposed to do that, you should take it up with him."

You sound so lovely.

Your husband and his twatty family, I'm not so sure of.

Don't allow them to bully you and try and make you feel bad about your choices.

Keep connecting with your friends and YOUR family.

Don't be dominated by them.

No one in this is weird, you just prioritise different things. Your SIL is not better than you, and you are not better than her.

As far as I can see there are only two things wrong with you. One is that you seem to think it’s reasonable that your partner should criticise your domestic skills when you do it all. A smiley ‘thanks for your input and you’re welcome to do it yourself - shall I give you a list of tasks and my criticisms of you’ should shut him up. Second, you seem to allow your in-laws to comment on your housework and then care about what they say. A brusque ‘I haven’t got time for that nonsense, speak to your son’ is what’s called for there. Enjoy your life. Don’t judge your in-laws for having different priorities and ignore their judgement of you.

@billy1966 What a lovely post! Thank you, I will!

You are not unusual ! You sound ace 🥰

Honestly let the SIL and ignore the MIL .

You will find your tribe and it's not those folk .

I hate the homely stay home no friends ... boring . All Ms h and plumping cushions . Not for me 😂

@HelloDulling I certainly don't think I'm better than anyone, the reverse is more true.

@EvelynBeatrice You've given me a couple of amazing quips there... particularly the one for the MIL. Going to try that one day!

@stevalnamechanger I've found my people! I don't like it...total snoozefest in my opinion! 😂

So many people on this thread I'd like to have a pint with 🍺

People are different, didn’t you know?

They’re fine, you’re fine. Live and let live. Ignore anyone in the mix who thinks otherwise.

@RoosterRoosteringFree
I know people are different, it's just I know a lot who are the opposite of me. Maybe that's unusual but there it is...hence my post.

You sound entirely ordinary, OP. I don’t know any woman with a child who doesn’t work, go out, go on holiday, and nearly everyone I know of either sex seems to run.

I’m deeply ordinary, but I went back to work early from maternity leave, have moved around the world a lot, spent a few months living in an enclosed order of nuns to see whether I wanted to join them, used to be the caretaker of an uninhabited island with no electricity where you got cut off for weeks in bad weather. DH and I lived in different countries Monday to Friday for almost ten years. We currently live in a Victorian semi-ruin with our son, and while we’re working on renovating it, it looks more like the House of Usher than Homes and Gardens, and will for years. I hate housework. I hate gardening. I don’t think any of this makes me in any way an outlier.

You sound fab and a great mother. You don't have to be maternal or into bleaching bath mats to be a good mum.

I'm very much like yourself. I've never been maternal and having a dc took me years. to adjust to. I still work full time, love my job but I also enjoy my dd. I must admit I enjoy it more now she's older. I think from about 9 we really started to jel. I've never been crafty so the years of craft stuff, painting and role play were like torture for me. She's a lot more interesting now we enjoy baking and gardening, animals and a good box set.

It's horses for courses really. My best friend is what i'd class as 'born to be a mother' and we tease each other mercifully about our difference in parenting, but it's why I love her too.

As for your sil and judgemental family, ignore them. As long as you do what's best for your family and yourself and everyone is happy and healthy then fuck em!

TELL YOUR HUSBAND TO BLEACH THE SODDING BATHMAT AND DO SO WITH CARE!!

The only thing that really matters is you and your DD. She’s going to grow up with all the lovely memories of all the fun things you did with her, you sound like you already have a great friendship with her as well as being a Mum. She’s not going to grow up and give two hoots about if her Mum bleached a bath mat or not. It’s the fun, the silliness, the happiness and the adventures she’ll treasure. It may be harder time wise and with more responsibilities, but it’s still possible to keep your identity whilst having children, and it’s a great example to show them too! You sound fab 🎉