Not a typical mother and a weird person

[again2020]

I wanted to get this down. It's a bit of a rant, sorry. Maybe relationships isn't the correct board, I was unsure.

I'm not a naturally maternal or motherly type. Nor am I homely. I don't know what the opposite of homely is, but that's me. I guess I'm a free spirit. I used to rent a lot. I don't have many possessions such as furniture etc. I love running and being outside. It was cool when I was young but now I have a mortgage, partner and child (DD of 3).
I went back to work 4 days when she was 9 months old. I love my job. I have some good friends, I still like nights out and gigs (before covid!), I like going on holiday. I love days out.
I would never be contented staying at home so knew I could never be a SAHM. I had bad post natal depression and wanted to go back to work. I'm still getting over the shock of having a child and DD is 3.3!
She's brilliant and we do loads together. Painting, baking, playing and I can't wait for softplay to reopen. I think I'm a good mother but some people around me seem to think I'm not.
My SIL has a baby of 10 months and has given up her job. She is thought highly of by my partners family and MIL as better than me for this. She has barely left the house in the last year ( I know- a lot due to Covid) but has no plans and is happy to stay at home day in day out with her baby. By her own admission she has few friends and likes it that way.
In addition, both my SILs very homely and always have an 'interior design head' on and constantly thinking of decorating and DIY and cleaning. I don't. Why not? It's just not something that interests me. We have a nice house and I keep it clean. But it's not fun to me. I'm not massively into soft furnishings and always thinking about 'house stuff'. I'm quite minimal. Is this weird? Lots of women (and men) I know seem to think a lot about the house and it a hobby.

I do the bulk of the housework though. Ironing, washing up, mopping, bins, hoovering and clean bathrooms and toilets. My MIL always points to jobs I have missed ..such as yesterday it was bleaching DDs bathmat. I wouldn't have thought of this. Why not? My partner says it's because I am busy with work and don't take enough care. But I clean the house every week and I do my best.

I feel like compared to a lot of people in my life I'm quite weird as I have other interests and a different personality. My MIL and SILs, as well as a lot of friends seem to be very 'homely' or natural maternal types.
Thoughts? If you've made it this far and have an opinion or are like me let me know!
Am I really weird?

Don't let them make you feel weird. You're your own person and that's great! Everyone is different and it's best not to give a F about what other people think.
I know some 'homely' mums and I also know some that sound more like you (and me) due to my sport hobby. All are great mums and just enjoying different things.
In terms of comments on your home, I think some people are just rude. My mum does it to me about my house all the time and I just smile and ignore it!

I think mainly your DH is wrong for thinking you have no time to care when I don't see any jobs that he's doing?

What others think has never bothered me and I don't think it should bother you either.

Life is too short, live it the way you like and by your standards.

You sound perfectly okay to me - they are weird. Who tells someone else they need to do housework?! Weird and rude.

I think the most alarming part of your post is your partner saying it's because you're busy with work and you don't take enough care! You said you do the bulk of the housework though, so where's your partner in all of this?!!!
Honestly, you sound absolutely fine and I'd just stick two fingers up at them all.
Oh and whip your partner into shape. Bloody cheeky prat!

You are a typical mother - or rather there is no such thing. By being an SAHM, she brings certain things to the table which you don’t. By being a working mum you bring certain things to the table that she doesn’t. Both ways of parenting have their strengths and weaknesses; neither is better or worse than the other and you have to do what’s right for you. I worked 4 days a week until my eldest was 4 years old; then my DH worked 4 days a week until both our DD were in school. Since then we’ve both worked full-time and prioritised our DDs when not at work.

And you sound like a fab mum.

Your MIL and SIL sound horribly boring. Tell them that they can stay home all day bleaching their bath mats if they want to, but you’ve got more interesting things to get on with so can they please shut their mouths from now on.

Honestly, if my MIL, or even my own mother, made comments about my house then they wouldn’t be allowed over. I’d also be telling my partner to get a grip and “take more care” himself.

People are all different. There isn't just two types of people, homely and not homely.

You sound like you think everyone else is the same or "homely"(?) and you are the only one with a "different personality".

God not weird at all. You sound refreshingly normal and funny.

Some people are obsessed with housework and decoration etc. I'm not one of them: I do the bare minimum possible and if my Ex MIL saw my house these days she would probably faint from the horror.

But I actually don't care-I do just enough to get by and it's basically clean, just not perfect.

Lots snd lots of other people must be like that too.

If your partner wants to crack on and bleach the bath mat, so be it. You choose to spend your energies elsewhere and good for you.

On your deathbed will you wish you'd bleached the bath mat regularly? I think not 😂

Is there a cultural expectation for you to be a SAHP/housewife?

It certainly isn't unusual where I'm from (Scotland) for mothers to return to work after maternity leave. Not being excited about interior design isn't weird either. However, there is also nothing wrong with the opposite. Each to their own.

My partner says it's because I am busy with work and don't take enough care

Tell him he’s free to do it himself

do the bulk of the housework though. Ironing, washing up, mopping, bins, hoovering and clean bathrooms and toilets. My MIL always points to jobs I have missed ..such as yesterday it was bleaching DDs bathmat. I wouldn't have thought of this. Why not? My partner says it's because I am busy with work and don't take enough care. But I clean the house every week and I do my best.

This stands ouyt for me firstly why are you doing the bulk of the housework.

Secondly how dare he say you dont take enough care. He is perfectly capable of thinking about that (although bleaching a bathmat does sound way more than I would do. I would just wipe it!)

Your MIL and SIL sound more like Stepford Wives

I bleach my bath mats and I'd still tell your MIL to fuck off.

I think this is the Mrs Hinch phenomenon, this ridiculous housework expectation.
Personally I find this obsession dull and a bit, well, common. Good luck to them I say

Growing up, my mum was the most incredible person to me and I always adored her more than anyone else.

Now that I'm an adult and have my own children, she admits that she hated being at home with us constantly and hated housework so went back to full time work so she didn't have to.

We were happy and loved and we loved her!

As long as you and your dd are happy, that's all that matters. She's not going to care if you haven't bleached her bath mat.
Just do you and tell your in laws to do one 🙂

I'm wierd too op. I dread neighbours parties when all the women talk flooring and new kitchens and the men talk cars. Embrace being yourself. Your inlaws like a different style, leave them to it, now go outside and enjoy life

You sound great to me.
Though why are you doing all the housework if you work too? Tell your partner to get off his lazy arse and "take more care" of the bathmats and stuff!

Not all of us are built to be mumsy mums/homemakers. Nothing wrong with it but we are all different. I have kids but I went back to work and I would have died of boredom as a SAHM/housewife.

You sound like a nice person, a lot of fun and a loving mother. Good for you.

I am sure many people think I am weird and unnatural for pursuing my career when the children were small but I really don't care. The kids are happy, I am happy, husband is happy. No one else actually matters.

I do wonder about SAHM's whose identities end up intrinsically defined by their motherly role. My sister used to crow about being able to give up work and be supported by her husband so she could concentrate on the children. They are now teens, semi independent and she moans that she "feels like I'm just someone's old mum and not a person any more" and that I have got the career everyone expected her to have (she did much better than me at school/Uni). It won't be true for everyone but food for thought.

Put a frame up with,

Dull women live in immaculate homes.
Written on it. Works very well for any visitors

As someone who is houseproud, into craft and home decor, and all that stuff, I want to tell you that you sound perfectly normal and fine, and you dont have anything to apologize for. People like different things, that is part of what makes the world interesting! I dont go running, and would not expect you to make fun of me for that or think I was weird - (I am sure that would not even cross your mind to do so because you sound like you are not an arsehole) so why on earth should it be ok to make you feel you are weird? Your MIL sounds like she is well out of order and owes you an apology and your OH also needs to check himself for telling you you 'dont take enough care'. FFS, you have a child, a career and a life! As others have said, you do you and know that they are being arseholes.

I have a 3 year old DD too.

You and I have a similar outlook on life by the sounds of it OP.

I restarted work (albeit part time) when DD was a few weeks old, did my first gig with my band when DD was 2 months old (she came with me as she was BF) and I've kept up the bits of my social life i wanted to as well.

I'm very lucky to have a great support network locally who were delighted to look after DD from time to time.

My house is clean enough to be safe and civilised but that's all.

DD and I have a very happy time, going out for walks, bike rides, baking, drawing, jigsaws together etc. but we also just potter around the house each doing our own thing.

Being a SAHM is an admirable choice for those who can do it and be good at it and enjoy it. I wouldn't be a good SAHM. DD gets the best of me because I retained my pre kids identity and I'm happy with the balance I've got in life of parenting Vs my own career and interests.

I also think that women who have their own pursuits separate to parenting are great role models for girls too.

Having said all that, sometimes I think I need to redress the balance and have it tip more towards doting parent and then I make the effort to do that.

The next time they have the cheek to come into your house and pass comments pull them up on it. I am a sahm as it suits us right now but I hate housework and housey stuff. I don't really like going out to pubs and I hate girls nights out etc but lots of mums I know love their nights out (pre covid obviously) and that's all fine we can't all be the same the world would be very boring if we were. No one is right or wrong. I've actually found the opposite to you OP in that people find it weird that I'm not mad for nights out.

I know whose child I'd rather be...nothing wrong with your approach at all.
And I've never bleached a bath mat...O_o

You sound fab to me, OP. You do you, and your SIL and MIL can do them. Different strokes for different folks.
As long as you're happy, that's what matters.
PS. Never bleached a bath mat in my life, nor do I intend to

Some people seem to think that parenting is about ticking a load of boxes. Mortgage and never moving house - tick. House with garden - tick. Early bedtimes. One main carer all the time. Have hundreds of toys in the house. And so on.
The truth is there are many ways to parent and a lot of these things, are superficial.
You only have to expose your self to different cultures to see this too. I listed the things above as they are specifically important to British / English speaking countries, including the bed times! And the kids end up.... Roughly the same 🤷‍♀️
You care, you love, you show them that you love and that is important.

@again2020

You sound like a good mum op !

I am not really a constantly decorating or doing cleaning all the time sort of person.

It could be cause of seriously dysfunctional messed up choatic childhood I had.

Don't worry /or care about what your family or husbands family or other people think of you.

It be very boooring world if everybody was the same.

You come across as interesting fun engaging and you have got your person to know op.

You have got your priorities in the right way

Ps I haven't heard of before someone bleaching bath mat op.

What a dirty made she must be to have to bleach her bath mat in that way !

Thank you to everyone for your replies. I'm sorry if anyone thought I was having a go at homely people or those who are SAHM. That was never my intention. My own mum was a SAHM and phenomenal.
Not a stealth boast, I think my SIL is a nice person and we have had some good times together, but we are quite different.