Not a typical mother and a weird person

[again2020]

I wanted to get this down. It's a bit of a rant, sorry. Maybe relationships isn't the correct board, I was unsure.

I'm not a naturally maternal or motherly type. Nor am I homely. I don't know what the opposite of homely is, but that's me. I guess I'm a free spirit. I used to rent a lot. I don't have many possessions such as furniture etc. I love running and being outside. It was cool when I was young but now I have a mortgage, partner and child (DD of 3).
I went back to work 4 days when she was 9 months old. I love my job. I have some good friends, I still like nights out and gigs (before covid!), I like going on holiday. I love days out.
I would never be contented staying at home so knew I could never be a SAHM. I had bad post natal depression and wanted to go back to work. I'm still getting over the shock of having a child and DD is 3.3!
She's brilliant and we do loads together. Painting, baking, playing and I can't wait for softplay to reopen. I think I'm a good mother but some people around me seem to think I'm not.
My SIL has a baby of 10 months and has given up her job. She is thought highly of by my partners family and MIL as better than me for this. She has barely left the house in the last year ( I know- a lot due to Covid) but has no plans and is happy to stay at home day in day out with her baby. By her own admission she has few friends and likes it that way.
In addition, both my SILs very homely and always have an 'interior design head' on and constantly thinking of decorating and DIY and cleaning. I don't. Why not? It's just not something that interests me. We have a nice house and I keep it clean. But it's not fun to me. I'm not massively into soft furnishings and always thinking about 'house stuff'. I'm quite minimal. Is this weird? Lots of women (and men) I know seem to think a lot about the house and it a hobby.

I do the bulk of the housework though. Ironing, washing up, mopping, bins, hoovering and clean bathrooms and toilets. My MIL always points to jobs I have missed ..such as yesterday it was bleaching DDs bathmat. I wouldn't have thought of this. Why not? My partner says it's because I am busy with work and don't take enough care. But I clean the house every week and I do my best.

I feel like compared to a lot of people in my life I'm quite weird as I have other interests and a different personality. My MIL and SILs, as well as a lot of friends seem to be very 'homely' or natural maternal types.
Thoughts? If you've made it this far and have an opinion or are like me let me know!
Am I really weird?

@again2020

Oops sorry i ment to say you come across as fun engaging interesting ,who has your priorities in life in the right way op.

Your daughter needs to be loved and cared for and your house needs to be sanitary, above and beyond that there is no one right way to be. Your DD will benefit far more from having a secure. Confident mum than a 'perfect' house and 'Bupa Mother'.

You sound normal to me OP. 💐

You sound like you're doing great and thankfully have stayed an interesting, fully human person after having your dd. I have so many friends who have given up so much and have no lives apart from their children. It's depressing. I went back to work at 11 months with both of mine, my office is a long commute (3 hours) from home. I work from home a lot anyway (and obviously all the time now), but when things get more normal again, I'll work away 3 days a week or two a month and dh will be home with the dc. I like still living my life. When I'm home it's lovely. But dh and I both still go travelling on our own (other one stays home with dc), so I have at least 2 holidays a year without my family. I booked one as soon as lockdown looked to be lifting and going away for 5 days in June. It will be great! Being a good mother doesn't mean being a slave to your children and husband. You sound like you have great work-life-family balance. Who cares if you don't have the tidiest house? You should see mine.

Your not weird at all, I love my DD and lockdown has been so hard she’s 9, working from home doing home schooling keeping on too of house works etc, when lock down is lifted both DD and H have been told they will be wife and motherless for a good month while I get my me time and life back, I have to live for me first and then take care of them makes me a better parent

@again2020

I don't like the way your partner undermines the hard work you put to do everything/nearly everything at home etc and outside.

He your partner excuses their frankly offensive remarks comments about you, by saying you are far too busy to care about doing household decorating etc.

Your partner needs to be a lotvmore supportive towards you and stand up for op.

Don't let him get away with this kind of behaviour/attitude.

He needs to stop being lazy and watching you put in the lions share of the household chores etc.

And get his Act together ,step up to the plate man child.

Thank you everyone who replied to my post. I really appreciate those who said I sound like a decent mother and fun. I always thought it was about getting the balance right. I think it is important to maintain parts of yourself that you had before motherhood.

My upbringing was very different to my partner...his brother went for a woman who was like MIL, whereas my partner went didn't.

My partner has his own company and works long hours, so he expects me to do the housework...it's not ideal but that's a topic for another thread!

You sound as though you have more fun in your life,being just you, and with your viewpoints on all things that matter. Just disregard people who make silly comments to you, (the bleaching of the baby mat made me laugh) I would feel sorry for people who say such things as that.

A lot of young women in my village,are always talking about their home decor, what they have just bought, what they are buying next, the price of everything bought etc etc, I am not sure why they do it, except it's the pattern of their lives now.

You sound absolutely fine , OP , and you don't need to defend yourself.

Your in-laws do things a different way to you , it doesn't mean they should criticise you , it's made you question what you do .

Carry on as you are and don't start bleaching bathmats !!

You sound totally normal - and good fun.

My partner says it's because I am busy with work and don't take enough care. But I clean the house every week and I do my best.

What a load of crap!! Is he generally critical? Does he do his fair share round the house?

You don't have to please your in-laws. I'd have been pretty sharp with mine if she'd mentioned something I hadn't cleaned! Just ignore them and carry on being you.

My partner has his own company and works long hours, so he expects me to do the housework...it's not ideal but that's a topic for another thread!

Presumably your partner was attracted to the you he met years ago? He didn't want someone who wanted to clean all day? But now he's changed his mind? Funny, that.

If he works long hours, he can afford a cleaner to do his share...

I do the bulk of the housework though. Ironing, washing up, mopping, bins, hoovering and clean bathrooms and toilets. My MIL always points to jobs I have missed ..such as yesterday it was bleaching DDs bathmat. I wouldn't have thought of this. Why not? My partner says it's because I am busy with work and don't take enough care. But I clean the house every week and I do my best

You sound normal - you're DP sounds like a dick though. If you both work he needs to be doing half the domestic and child labour.

No. You're not weird. Why should you confirm to fit into what others want from THEIR lives? That's good for them, but you want to live your life differently and so what? Why is it for anyone to insist another human is a better or worse mother, depending on whether or not they're a stay at home mother or not? Ridiculous! So many people follow trends but are not true to themselves! All my friends have grey sofas, frenchic things and have set activities almost like machines. Nothing wrong with this at all; their houses are clean and welcoming and lovely and I love them all dearly. However, it does not mean I have to march alongside them to be a good person. I go with my own ideas and that's fine too. So what if you don't bleach a bathmat? Really, so what?

Honestly who bleach's a bath mat?!?!

If it is the rubber bathmat that sits in the bottom of the bath, sometimes prone to mildew, then bleaching it works.

Everyone is different. I hate the snobbery that comes with motherhood. I wish we could all live and let live. I know plenty of mothers like you. You do you. Ignore your IL’s. Although, personally I would spend a long time working on a perfect response that would hopefully stop their comments.

Your partner is definitely the problem - he has married someone who is different to his MIL (whereas his brother presumably has not) and is now trying to make you like her and is pushing back,

The fact that not only does he expect you to do the housework (which given you work only 1 day less than him is frankly not on) he expects you to be a Stepford Wife.

Which has meant you feel like a you are not a typical mother (there is no such thing) but also a weird person. That is not on at all OP

You are not weird. I couldn't stay home with mine, my ex dh family tried to talk me round to their way of thinking and then as good as cut me and my daughter out when I didn't do it their way. I have two amazing daughters, I work, I go to concerts, the pub, I have a lovely clean and tidy house. I'm happy. Be who you are, your hurting no one and don't worry about their judgement

"My partner says it's because I am busy with work and don't take enough care".
Does he indeed ? Why doesn't he do it ?

You sound normal to me OP. It's hardly unusual to become a parent and still work/run/have friends and hobbies, although fitting it all in can be tricky.

Your husband's family sound rude and judgemental. If your DH thinks your cleaning is not good enough he should help out or pay for a cleaner.

I used to do the bulk of my cleaning in advance of visitors save for the bare essentials necessary for hygiene. Have had to re-evaluate this approach due to lack of visitors in the past year! But if somebody started pointing out jobs I had missed I'd be handing them a duster or showing them the door.

Still chuckling at bleaching bath mats! I am not a natural housewife. But I’m a great mum who loves her child unconditionally and has made both personal and financial sacrifices to give him the best possible start.
If this means that I spent time with him rather than the bath mat then shoot me.
I too have a MIL who thinks the colour of her walls is more important that the well-being of her child. She is a crap mother and wife but hey ho her house is always beautiful.

They are the weird ones as Far as I can tell, you’re like me and my friendship circle. Only two difference, I don’t do all the cleaning, in fact I have a cleaner and have had one for nearly three decades since I was early twenties, and I really do like interior design.

So I think you’re perfectly normal.

@tenlittlecygnets

My partner has his own company and works long hours, so he expects me to do the housework...it's not ideal but that's a topic for another thread!

Presumably your partner was attracted to the you he met years ago? He didn't want someone who wanted to clean all day? But now he's changed his mind? Funny, that.

If he works long hours, he can afford a cleaner to do his share...

yup. Id be asking for a cleaner too. I bet you hate housework. And you are already doing the kid stuff on top of nearly working FT

and you sound like me. And my mum before me, and my grandmother. She said 'theres more to life than cleaning' and so I took her at her word.

I do quite like interior design, but in an arty interested way. Because you wouldnt really see it if you came round. However my 14 yr old son recently told me how much he loved our house, and that it had little bits of us all over it. Thats the best kind of house

Honestly who bleach's a bath mat?!?!

😗 erm, yeah, who does that! ...Weirdos! ...And no way have i removed the detachable rubber seals from my shower doors and bleached them in a bucket to brighten them and remove any blackening.

You sound like a lovely, nurturing and creative mum OP. I think the underlying issue here is yr DH, and his family. They do not understand your PND. Perhaps none of them have been/diagnosed/admitted experienced it. They just do not understand. Their ignorance .

The only thing i would say , if your husband likes living in a home, as his mum maintained and you are more chilled, this could poss become an issue/irritant between you both, over the yrs.

DH definitely needs to do more chores. Sit down with him and agree who does what. Your DH works, but so do many others. They still have chores to manage.

Your DH needs to understand more about how you are feeling. I do not think he has fully understood yr PND or how you function now as an independent being. The greater family are not really hearing or understanding you either. You are surrounded by people who have " managed" and "coped". They are deaf to you. You need to explain to yr DH how you are feeling.

You are doing a great job OP, your DH hasn't quite got the memo, so send him it! What your Mil & SIL's want from their lives , find satisfying and will tolerate and can cope with is their lives, not yours! Their experiences of motherhood is and has been different to yours. I suspect they have not had PND.

Your experience of mother
hood is yours and from your post you are doing lots of fantastic activities with your kids. You also have had a full life before DC's and like you , i "mourned" that when i had my first. Maybe your extended family had no pre kids/DH life to mourn , so being a mum and housewife is their greatest life's work? You have at least a past to mourn, they don't!

You are in a partnership and that partner needs to do more . If he wants to replicate what he had as a child and a wife like his mum and SIL's, that is a whole other conversation you need to have.

Finally motherly and maternal does not mean cleaner and SAHM. You ARE motherly and maternal. You are a role model to your DC and they are blessed to have you.