DP wants to take a career break

[Miffed2020]

I wasn't sure where to put this. I've also changed my username as this could be outing.

DP and I both work full time and we have a 5 and a 7 year old. I wfh which may be permanent when things go back to normal.

A few years ago he took a job with an hour commute so he could get promotion. I had reservations due to the distance but he went ahead. He hated it. Not only the commute but the place of work. He has since applied for jobs closer to home and is waiting to hear.

Today he announces he want to take a 6 month career break. I'm concerned but I don't want to look unsupportive. He said it depresses him.

He can afford to fund himself. He's playing the "I can do housework and kids drop off and pick ups" etc. I'm concerned he will be sitting on his arse all day, drink far more, and not want to go back to work after the 6 months. He also supports his mother financially.

I didn't sign up for someone not to work. We had plans. Those will not happen if he doesn't earn a wage. I don't know what to think. It scares me.

Anything been through this or have any thoughts on what I need to discuss with him?

This is probably literally the worst time to decide something like that. The economy is about to tank for a long period and unemployment is going to be through the roof.

The only reason I'd entertain this at the moment is if he was taking those 6 months to study/retrain - with an actual qualification of some sort at the end of it. One that would make him employable.

Employers also respond much better to someone who is already employed than someone who rocks up and says "Oh the last 6 months? Yeah I've just been chilling."

I would personally encourage him to look at his options and apply for other jobs, but not just hand in his notice with no plan.

Obviously he's an adult and he can decide to do this without your agreement, but you are also an adult and can decide to walk away/refuse to bankroll him.

I think if you hadnt written "He has since applied for jobs closer to home and is waiting to hear." I would personally have been more concerned.
Is he thinking he may not get the jobs and is sort of hedging his bets so doesnt end up feeling too down if he doesnt get them?

And how is he feeling generally? Down in mood? Burnt out?

He needs to think how his mother will be supported financially. And maybe if there's another option like working part time for a bit? Can you as a family afford for him not to work at all. Once you've had a break it is a lot harder to go back to full time working.

How old is he?
He's more likely to end up with no career.
He needs to be planning more than a few drop offs and housework.

Will he be able to return to his job? Some places of work allow for a career break then you come back to your job, a bit like mat leave, but you aren't always guaranteed the same role, it will be the same grade though. That's different to quitting with nothing to go to.

I’m not really following how “he can afford...” etc as for me that would come out of family money

If my DH was completely burnt out and wanted to quit to focus on job hunting I would be fine - if it was already upfront 6 months I would be less comfortable tbh

He is 43. He works for one of the emergency services so there will always be a job. He has quite a lot of savings and he will be paying for himself. We are also mortgage free atm but I'd hoped to move to a bigger house. I will not bankroll him and worse case I can buy him out and live fine by myself.

He does seem down. I would say he lays it on a bit with other things where he says he's depressed. His mum never worked due to "depression" and she bring his mood down. He has never had a good working role model. But, we all have shit times at work and can't just drop it and walk away. I think it's a bit immature in a way.

I just feel sick. Thanks for your replies. I don't want to discuss it with friends or family and I don't want it all thrown in my face which family tend to do.

I honestly think career breaks aren't used enough, in the modern world they're incredibly powerful to not get burnt out.

However, it sounds like he's using it as a quick fix for something that sounds more like depression so I'm not sure as it'll work as a recharge.

Is he seeking help with his depression?

If he gets the local job he's applied for, could he juggle the start/end days so that he's got a few weeks off between jobs? That might be a good compromise?

I can understand your reaction. Why doesn't he request parental leave so he can will be guaranteed a return to his job? He can take 8 weeks off and then review what he wants to do after that.

Sabbaticals are usually 3 months in professional jobs. They work well from what I have seen, and 3 months seems to be enough.

How was he coping in the job before the current one?

I don’t really understand why he needs 6 months as I’m sure it would take 4-6 weeks to organise a new job - surely that’s a decent amount of break time?! But in saying that, this could also be a warning sign of something deeper so perhaps you need to be open minded and discuss this with him too?

Is it worth him seeing if his GP thinks he should be signed off with depression? That will give him a bit of thinking space.

You talk about the extra stuff he will be doing as a sahd.

I've just had some time away from work (6months) and I will be eternally grateful that I was able to do this rather than become unwell from the pressure. You will know how flakey he usually is. Will he pick up all the work at home with the children and home? It might be a positive thing for everyone if you can afford it and can still do the other things you want. Now back at work .

At least he will always have a job to return to in the emergency services! I think they have had a shit time of it in the pandemic and he is maybe a bit burnt out ATM? I would talk to him about future plans ,and a possible house move .Why is he supporting his Mother financially? If you are in UK and she is over 65 ,surely she should be receiving State Pension. possibly pension credits if her income is low.Its quite an undertaking to pay for someone else as well as your own family .Maybe agree 6 months max and look into returning jobs in 4 or 5 months time .

Why the quotations in regards to his mums depression?

Is he taking a sabbatical or simply leaving a job? A sabbatical would be far better as he would have an end date and also a job to go back to if he can't find anything else.

He of does go ahead with this, don't fall into the trap of still doing children and 'wife work' leave it all up to him and agree an end date.

I'd be concerned that he never went back to work, and as such it will impact you. You won't be able to move or have the retirement you might have wanted. Eventually his savings will dry up and then you will have to bankroll him and potentially his Mum.

If he works in the public sector he can probably apply for a sabbatical and it may do him the world of good.

Alternatively, he could talk to his doctor about how he's feeling and take advantage of (probably) generous sick pay while he sorts himself out.

I don't like the way you've put his mother's "depression" in inverted commas. It is something that, untreated, makes working very difficult and it does run in families.

I understand your concerns, but I do think you need to at least offer some support in understanding what's going on with him,
before taking about managing without him, unless that's what you want anyway

I'd be concerned that it is six months at this time more than anything. If he could go out and about with or without your DC much less so (non-pandemic times). I understand your concern it may just be lazing about, or not fix a deeper problem.

I would agree if he promises to use the time productively. Have a bit of a break and then to take responsibility to work on better mental health and good habits, get a plan in place as to how to achieve that and to stick rigidly to the 6 months. Otherwise it risks being a spiral into terrible mental health and dragging on forever.

I took a career break last year. The plan was to take a year off but I got bored after 10 months (pandemic buggered up a lot of plans) so I got a job.

I desperately needed it, I was getting so burnt out from work that I was liable to have a breakdown if I went on too much longer. I'd hidden it from everyone so it was a hell of a shock to my OH when I said I needed a break.

Honestly, that break saved me. What had felt like a constant tidal wave about to break over my head just vanished, and allowed me to just take to breathe and re-assess.

I'm in a very similar job now to the one I was in previously, but with more responsibilities, but the difference in how I deal with it is night and day. My self confidence is through the roof compared to a year and a half ago. That time off gave me a chance to work out where I was going wrong before. I now push back against unrealistic timescales, make sure my voice is heard, and people actually listen.

I'm happier, and my family is happier because I have more headspace for them.

As previous posters have said, I honestly think that everyone should take some time off every 10 years or so.

Your dc are little and would probably benefit a lot from having their dad at home, and it sounds like a good role model for them in terms of seeing a man taking on this role. My dh took a year's career break from teaching to look after our toddler, guaranteed back to his old job though. Men usually don't get ML time off (I know it's not a break! But it's a change) and can be working from leaving school till retirement.

If he is depressed then a 6 month break would be good. The consequences would be far worse if he kept working and breaks down. If it was a physical illness people would take a break/take a sick leave so I wouldn't call someone immature for taking a time off because they have depression.