DP wants to take a career break

[Miffed2020]

I wasn't sure where to put this. I've also changed my username as this could be outing.

DP and I both work full time and we have a 5 and a 7 year old. I wfh which may be permanent when things go back to normal.

A few years ago he took a job with an hour commute so he could get promotion. I had reservations due to the distance but he went ahead. He hated it. Not only the commute but the place of work. He has since applied for jobs closer to home and is waiting to hear.

Today he announces he want to take a 6 month career break. I'm concerned but I don't want to look unsupportive. He said it depresses him.

He can afford to fund himself. He's playing the "I can do housework and kids drop off and pick ups" etc. I'm concerned he will be sitting on his arse all day, drink far more, and not want to go back to work after the 6 months. He also supports his mother financially.

I didn't sign up for someone not to work. We had plans. Those will not happen if he doesn't earn a wage. I don't know what to think. It scares me.

Anything been through this or have any thoughts on what I need to discuss with him?

I think a lot of women have kids to have a lifestyle change from working. If you look at motherhood that is essentially taking a career break for a time.

It only seems fair that the male partner also opt to get a career break

I am childfree & decided not to work for a year - it was lovely, came back to work feeling refreshed + revitalised.

If you can, you should. Why not if you’ve saved up for it I say!

I am worried about his possible depression too from your post.

I say this coming from the place of my dh burning out and ended up having a 6-month sick leave followed by a very gradually return to work over the course of 2 years. It was very difficult but he was able to access work benefits at the time. The GP was his starting point.

As other posters have said, there are options such parental leave or some workplaces do planned sabbaticals so a break doesn’t necessarily mean leaving a job.

When he tells you he needs a break, I think you need to listen.

What he might be saying is 'if I don't get out now I'm going to be seriously unwell!'.
Could this be the case?

You said you were worried that he would spend his days drinking - is that currently an issue?

I feel there must be more to this as you've said you won't bankroll him and you could manage on your own if you had to. This doesn't sound like someone trying to be supportive. And as you've said youself, he'll always get another job., so he's not had the chance to prove himself. Appreciate there is a potential material impact on your future plans if he doesn't work again - but you're nowhere near this stage yet from what you've said.

My dh is in the middle of a planned career break. He's private sector and negotiated a settlement when he left work that could have given him a year off, but we planned for 6 months.

We needed someone to pick up the childcare and homeschooling and I love my job and didn't want it to be me! He hated his job and it made him miserable so it felt like the right time to go.

He's been off for 3 months and has started job hunting and is not hearing anyone have a problem with him being out of work at the moment. In fact quite the opposite, he's more attractive because he can start in a couple of weeks rather than a couple of months. He has one offer on the table and we're waiting to hear back about the other.

He has been a different person the last few months. The relaxed and happy person I married and I'm delighted that he had the guts to go for the career break. Its been amazing for our dc too.

In fact the only downside is that he's found it much easier to find work than we expected so likely to go back in the next month rather than having the 6 we planned.

Sounds like he's got career burnout AND his partner is an uncaring, unsympathetic, patronising, selfish twaaaa...

Good for him and you should be totally supportive of this and not "I didn't sign up for this". You signed up to love and support your spouse with your relationship. My friends boyfriend who works on the ambulances has just done exactly what your OH has done, he is taking a break before the job broke him. He recognised it and has temporarily left. You should support your OH with sympathy and respect. Yes, he may be depressed but this time out will give him the space to think and reset. He is already lining up to do drop offs etc and you need to give him other jobs to do too so he isn't sitting around. He will still need purpose. He will be snapped back when he is ready to return. Support him and love him, you DID sign up for this OP.

Dh and I are both really burnt out with our work, we talk about how we could escape but we can't both be out of work - it isn't always as easy as quit your job to be happier.
@zippy90 this is mumsnet, if you want to call someone a twat you just type the full word, being twee just makes you look stupid.

Let him do it, and do it with good graces. His mental health is more important than a bigger house. If it turns out that he wastes the time/drinks too much/is not an effective stay at home dad, that's a completely different issue - but since he's your partner it would be good to start with this from a place of caring and trust.

Your post doesn't make it clear if he is actually depressed or just that the job 'depresses' him which could just be another way of saying he doesn't like it. However your comment about him "drinking" suggests he may have a problem with this?

Just not working for 6 months isn't necessarily the answer 6 months will fly by and he may feel just the same.

If he really is depressed / stressed out would be better for him to see his doctor and get signed off work, rather than ditch the job. If he has a drink problem, would he seek help for this?

If he has applied for other jobs, can he not wait to see the outcome? Or get casual or temporary work near to home for a while?

If he has a job he can return to, you are mortgage free and he is a bit depressed I don't see the problem.

I would expect my partner to be supportive in these circumstances and you can afford it, it would be different if you would be struggling to ay the mortgage. I don't understand the negative comments. If this was reversed (you were the husband) comments will be very different.

I can't believe posters are seriously suggesting he gets signed off with depression rather than, very sensibly, taking a career break. Surely we should be more supportive of sensible, possibly preemptive choices, rather than deciding that the answer is for everybody to get themselves signed off!!

I have actually just started a career break for different reasons to the OP's DH but the general aim is to be there more for the DC. DH and I discussed it at length before I requested it and decided that as a family, we could manage financially. He has definitely not said that I have to contribute financially or even accomplish anything in this time!!

If this was reversed and it was a woman wanting a break to spend more time with their children, I'm absolutely sure some of these responses would be very different!

There's clearly more to this given your 'going alone' statement as you don't seem to love him very much.

I'm guessing that he worked through having two children,whilst you took maternity leave (not a total break but a change and a break from the routine of working) and that he is part of the reason you are mortgage free and have savings.

Now he's asking for your support, and your can manager it financially. Unless he's done this repeatedly, then I think you are being grossly unfair. His happiness should be more important to you than a larger house.

NFW! The threads on here from partners who did this and have never gone back to work are legion. Every single one of those left holding the financial bag are angry as hell and their relationship is gone, some cannot leave because the loafer is now the 'main carer'.

I'd tell him this is a dealbreaker because it would be for me.

I didn't sign up for someone not to work.

That's all you need to say.

Looking at a life and family as a whole taking a few months to be home based parent is probably a real positive that would be remembered as such - if it is planned and does not cause upheaval for others. But he seems to be throwing that in as a side issue rather than a driver.

He may well be burning out and need a break though.

Arranging a career break with his work would surely be a more sensible (grown up) option and is likely to be available in emergency services.

However if you begrudge this idea, given there will ‘always be a job’ there must be reasons and I can see several real concerns that would concern me too (drinking especially) in your post.

In fact I have been there and we got through it but sometimes it was really hard.

We are now on a different less financially driven path - well he is .... but it is working well.

@ItsIgginningtolooklikelockdown

Dh and I are both really burnt out with our work, we talk about how we could escape but we can't both be out of work - it isn't always as easy as quit your job to be happier. *@zippy90* this is mumsnet, if you want to call someone a twat you just type the full word, being twee just makes you look stupid.

It's also against Talk Guidelines to call someone that and people who do can be deleted or banned.

My OH was made depressed by his highly pressured profession. At the age of 42 he left the practice and just did locums instead. I fully supported him as life is too short to be doing something that is making you ill. Later I decided to "jump off the wheel" from my career as I had had enough, and I went on to pursue several freelance arts opportunities which I really enjoyed.

We did take a financial hit both times, but we each supported the other and prioritised quality of life. We had to downsize and also there were changes of school - but we all weathered it together, and the children were mostly old enough to understand our decisions and the reasons for them.

They are now adult and talk of it all as being a learning experience for them in what really matters in life.

@Mischance

My OH was made depressed by his highly pressured profession. At the age of 42 he left the practice and just did locums instead. I fully supported him as life is too short to be doing something that is making you ill. Later I decided to "jump off the wheel" from my career as I had had enough, and I went on to pursue several freelance arts opportunities which I really enjoyed.

We did take a financial hit both times, but we each supported the other and prioritised quality of life. We had to downsize and also there were changes of school - but we all weathered it together, and the children were mostly old enough to understand our decisions and the reasons for them.

They are now adult and talk of it all as being a learning experience for them in what really matters in life.

That's different from not working at all.

First thing I thought was mid life crisis but then I read that he hates the job, he hates the commute. You can afford it and you know he’s employable in the future. In fact, it’s probably not uncommon for people in that line of work to take a short career break because of how stressful it is. Given this I’d be inclined to try and compromise at 3 months. That way he gets a break and you get a shorter time scale.

Age 43 after 20 years work is classic burnout age. He could have at least another 20 years of work, it seems daunting when you're not in a good frame of mind.
6 months off isn't long in a 40 year plus career.

@Miffed2020 you have my sympathy and empathy. My husband is currently on sick leave with stress/burnout and it is very unlikely that he’ll return to work. I earn a good wage and his insurance policy is currently paying most of his wage. Our kids are older - both secondary age. But he has failed over many years to acknowledge he was struggling and it has always been blamed on people at work, me, the kids etc. Placed enormous importance on to having big cars, private schooling and big house. He has no plans for what he will do after he leaves work keeps talking about a career but really he just needs a job. Something to get out of the house and interact with folk. As a child of a non working mum who was shafted when my dad left (1970s) I’ve always been determined I wouldn’t stop work and give up financial independence. It therefore is doubly irritating.
Sorry no real help to you except to say I hear you and you are not alone in being in this type of scenario. It was also quite therapeutic just to type it all out so thank you for that!

MMMM. If he has a MH crisis that should be addressed NOW, not later. My husband was two years without work due to being kicked out of his jobs because of a mh crisis he hid from us until it was just impossible to further hide. He didnt have any right to his unemployment payments and I funded him for two years, when two thirds of my savings disappeared, basically the downpayment for our house. He has been on treatment for anxiety and depression for nearly three years and working the last nine months in something that has nothing to do with his career (which was stressing him out). He was warned yesterday that he had too many absences (all justified with a doctor´s note, but it can lose you your job anyway). It is neverending. Meanwhile back at the ranch, I am doing mostly everything for our child, logistically and materially and have to pick up the slack again and again. Yesterday he had another crisis, so I did everything again, around working from home due to Covid. If your husband needs a break, he needs it, beware mental breakdowns.

Good for him - I would say go for it!! Mortgage free, plenty of savings, willing to take on childcare duties, I don't see the downside. Especially since he works in emergency services.

Also, the posters going on about how he has to have useful goals or things to accomplish are missing the point.

This is about needing to get off the treadmill of constantly having to accomplish things, validating oneself through one's income and the pressure of being a provider. The uber-capitalist ethos of work ethic above all else is not good for us as human beings. We need to spend time and energy on family, loved ones, passions projects, our own happiness and self-care as well - even if that doesn't make anyone money.

I've known a few people who took sabbaticals and all of them benefited so much from it, as did their families. Some of them spent the time pursuing things they loved. Some did start retraining for a career switch. One friend of mine did nothing "useful" though - he went to live in his wife's home country for a year with their DC and just spent the time being a dad. I don't think he was even burnt out from work as such, it was mostly because their DC were at the age where they could benefit from being immersed in a different culture without it affecting exams etc. It was so good for the entire family - the DC have stronger relationships with their grandparents and are fully bilingual now, and he's been rejuvenated in his career since coming back.

Is he an only child? Why is he financially supporting his mum? Your inverted commas around the word depression are revealing.

@Miffed2020

Yes that's good question previous poster has asked?
Why is he having to shoulder all the responsiblity of his mother op?

Where the rest of his family to share the load of taking in consideration of mother's well being /financial needs op?

No wonder he feels so stressed

He is doing one of the most sky high stress full jobs on planet earth at the moment op.

And you wonder why he feels so stressed out exhausted op.

As a partner /his wife
You are susposed to be supportive to each other !
Its not just one way !

such as he your husband be expected to be considerate of your feelings all the time !