DP wants to take a career break

[Miffed2020]

I wasn't sure where to put this. I've also changed my username as this could be outing.

DP and I both work full time and we have a 5 and a 7 year old. I wfh which may be permanent when things go back to normal.

A few years ago he took a job with an hour commute so he could get promotion. I had reservations due to the distance but he went ahead. He hated it. Not only the commute but the place of work. He has since applied for jobs closer to home and is waiting to hear.

Today he announces he want to take a 6 month career break. I'm concerned but I don't want to look unsupportive. He said it depresses him.

He can afford to fund himself. He's playing the "I can do housework and kids drop off and pick ups" etc. I'm concerned he will be sitting on his arse all day, drink far more, and not want to go back to work after the 6 months. He also supports his mother financially.

I didn't sign up for someone not to work. We had plans. Those will not happen if he doesn't earn a wage. I don't know what to think. It scares me.

Anything been through this or have any thoughts on what I need to discuss with him?

@Miffed2020

He needs to explore /how to start to sort out his depression/burnt out feelings op first all.

I don't think its immature to find the kind of career he is doing overwhelming at times

Looking after your emotional health is important
As it will have a knock on (domino effect such as not coping well enough with demands of work/home/family life balance ect.
And can also affect communication whithin relantships too.

I think a career break if done in a constructive way such re training /doing courses/learning new skills that are accredited with educational body that is well established and highly respected,
is a very good thing/and highly desirable in the employment world op.

Could he work part time or more flexible hours op that will work/fit around home/ family life in the meantime?

Also does he get any spare time at all to have any interests of his own to relax at all?

Do you have any time as couple do things ,have shared interests/go out as a couple on date nights etc op?

Does he have enough savings to cover his own expenses, fund his mother and pay half the household expenses?

Yet again on MN, mental health is taken seriously right up until it inconveniences you.

I'm not surprised that anyone working in the emergency services is burnt out and depressed right now.

As PP have said, career breaks and sabbaticals should be much more normalised than they are. We work to live, we don't live to work.

You're mortgage-free and he has the savings to afford it. I don't see what the argument against it is. Your desire for a bigger house is not more important than your DP's mental health and if he's burnt out you should be supportive, not crack the whip.

I’d agree to it as long as he skills up during the school day. So he’s signed up for CPD, online zoom classes. Whatever but he needs to be expanding and not retreating.

@Miffed2020

Just thinking how old is his mother op?

I think your partner sounds overwhelmed with the needs of his mother too

Is it possible if another member of his family could share the responsiblity of his mothers financial /emotional situation in some way op?

Just thinking could his mother doing a bit/some volunteering work at say a charity shop or elsewhere for different charity?
Build up her Cofindence and do a partime job such as working in a shop/supermarket etc op?

Or
Could he find out if she is having all the relevant advice /support on getting financial benefit op?

Citzens advice bureau agency can support this kind of help op.

volunteering can just be helping out for a couple/few hours or for one/two days or weekly its up to volunteer op.

Lots of good suggestions here. To add to them, has he considered going part time to give him more down time, to explore his options without stopping work entirely?

Trouble is, if something happened to you then the family is a bit screwed.

I'd say sit down together and think about what the family needs. Provided those needs can be met with a bit of slack, it would be ok for him to change jobs, even take a bit of a pay cut, but NO sitting around doing nothing and NO putting his head in the sand and leaving stress or depression untreated - if you say go to the GP, he goes, and follows the GP's recommendations about sleep, diet and exercise, as well as whatever therapy or medication is provided.

I'm not unsympathetic, work stress is grim, but "no job at all" is a frying pan-> fire thing.

@gannett

Yet again on MN, mental health is taken seriously right up until it inconveniences you.

I'm not surprised that anyone working in the emergency services is burnt out and depressed right now.

As PP have said, career breaks and sabbaticals should be much more normalised than they are. We work to live, we don't live to work.

You're mortgage-free and he has the savings to afford it. I don't see what the argument against it is. Your desire for a bigger house is not more important than your DP's mental health and if he's burnt out you should be supportive, not crack the whip.

Or involves a man.

I was (fortunately, I can see now) made redundant at a similar age. I was completely burnt out, although I didn't see that at the time either.

No one, including DH who had to support me, batted an eyelid at me deciding to be a SAHM for a while while I decided what to do next.

I would support this. It seems like he really needs to take this time. He has the savings to ensure he can pay his way, he plans to take on more of the home side of things and he is very low and unhappy with his current job. Leaving him to sink further into depression is not ok.

I think seeing the GP and asking to be signed off is a good start, then he can work on the depression/look for another job.

Whilst wanting to be supportive id be worried re the consequence of him not working and being sahd if you separate. He could end up as rp with you having to go out to work ft and pay maintenance despite this not being what you have agreed to. If you go ahead make sure you have evidence of your role in caring for your children to mitigate this.

Tell him to get a job and have one month off in between.

He just need a good few weeks off between jobs to recover

Set a deadline, it's not a chill out. Amonth to take it easy, then plans in place. Be supportive but don't indulge

@Miffed2020
I say for a limited time period for a few weeks or so,say for a month or or 6 weeks for your husband to have time to just chill out,recurpate
then he can start looking/exploring doing re- training /learning new skills , gaining qualifications on new course.etc.

My dh has issues with depression and his first instinct is to blame his surroundings: job/ family etc when the depression presents. He always has this idea that if only l had another job l would never be depressed again. But inevitably a new job helped for a while and then the depression surfaced once more and round the circle went. Luckily he had a job that was in demand and paid well but he ended up never settling in one. Once our mortgage was paid he worked even less. If l was agreeing to him having a break l would be insisting he sees his GP and takes steps to deal with that depression.
There are good opportunities in his line of work: job sharing/ parental leave/ short term leave even sick leave if the GP believes its warranted. I would encourage him to look at all options first.

@gannett

Yet again on MN, mental health is taken seriously right up until it inconveniences you.

I'm not surprised that anyone working in the emergency services is burnt out and depressed right now.

As PP have said, career breaks and sabbaticals should be much more normalised than they are. We work to live, we don't live to work.

You're mortgage-free and he has the savings to afford it. I don't see what the argument against it is. Your desire for a bigger house is not more important than your DP's mental health and if he's burnt out you should be supportive, not crack the whip.

100% . A lot of posters aren't sympathetic because the person seeking a career break is a man. If the her husband can fund all the expenses he needs from his savings, the family is mortgage free, and he can easily find another job afterwards I don't see what the problem is?! There literally cannot be a better situation to go on a career break. Surely OP you don't want him to work himself to illness or suicide?

It sounds very sad and materialistic to even be thinking of a bigger house right now when your OH is that burned out and stressed. It sounds like he could be depessed so good on him for seeking a breather before his mental health worsens even more. With all these work pressures on you both, a bigger house with its bigger financial pressures etc. would be the last thing a family needs, especially in the midst of a pandemic that will have long term consequences

What would you do if in reverse, you were burnt out or unhappy in your job and wanted to be a sahp for a bit?

I would say ok your OH works within the emergency services even if he took a break for a while he would be able to find a new job relatively quickly as is the way in such roles.

What is it he dislikes about his job? Most people I know with professional jobs have a one hour commute normally.

Nobody bats an eyelids when a woman want to be a SAHM and husband has to as you put "bankroll them"

I think you need to first talk to him more about his mental health and well-being.

If he has been struggling for ‘a few years’ in a job he hates, emergency services during the pandemic, a burden of responsibility in his mother, he may have been feeling the strain for a while.

Does he need a break, mental health support, time to re-assess his career / re-training ?

Pressure about ‘yes but when do I get my dream home? ‘ doesn’t sound as if it should be the first part of the conversation!

Is he a human being or a workhorse?

If the her husband can fund all the expenses he needs from his savings, the family is mortgage free, and he can easily find another job afterwards I don't see what the problem is?!

Same, burnout is real. I know maternity leave is not quite the same but honestly I had quite long ones & found the breathing space & time to think pretty valuable.

I am currently not working due to stress and anxiety and DH is supporting me. It sounds to be honest as though you don't particularly like your DP and you don't believe in mental health issues.

You aren't married I assume if using DP and it doesn't sound as though you share finances so if he has the savings I don't think it is any of your business really.

If he’s financially stable and won’t affect the family then I don’t see the issue of him having a career break. There’s more to life than doing job you hate and that makes you feel down