I've been seeing a man for nearly a year and have found out (in the context of discussing stupid things we did when we were young) that he shop lifted when he was about 19/20. This didn't sound like a one off thing, more like an ongoing thing until he was caught. He was a student at the time. He's from a reasonably comfortably off family and I can't imagine it would have been for essentials, as such. I was pretty taken aback, and didn't say much. He didn't seem focussed on if being wrong, he talked more about the effect in his career/job interviews - because his previous job (he changed career a couple of years back) involved access to confidential records and he had to declare the conviction for ship lifting even though it's spent or whatever the right term is. He said he also had to for a recent application to teach part-time in an FE college - because it's young people. He seemed more focussed on the embarrassment or having to declare it and maybe talk about it interviews than anything else.
I should make it clear we're in our mid 30s now (me a bit older, with kids whereas he has none; I met him through one of my kids hobbies). He has a decent job (though not well paid), he's studying part-time, and he's on the housing ladder with a doer-upper, but I can't help wondering about his honestly and character as a result of this. I've spoken to my closest friend about this and their strong view is "leopards don't change their spots, I'd be very wary about him around money etc.".
Before I knew about this I let him use my card a few times to do chip & pin and to get cash out of the cash machine when I was busy with kids etc. Had I known I probably wouldn't have. I can obviously change the pin and avoid asking him to use it again (though he might notice & wonder why I've totally stopped asking him to use the card) but it still makes me uneasy. I feel like I have to think about what access to money he has, not be able to have it lying around the house etc. And also about things like taking him into relatives houses, which I would do for parties etc.
I can be a bit disorganised with money and couldnt even say for sure that nothing was taken (in small amounts) from my account during the period he's known the pin and had access to the card. I mentioned to him that I felt like I had less money in my account than I should have at times etc. and I couldn't really read his expression, he didn't seem to look guilty or anything; he just said if I thought I had less than I should have or didn't know where my money was going, I needed to get all my statements and go through them with a fine tooth comb etc.
I've also remembered that he found something he gave my eldest (who tbh has not liked anyone I've been involved with) shoved in the dresser in the kitchen/dining room and I can't remember why he said he was looking in there (maybe for a pen) but I'm wondering if that's really why he was looking through it. My friend thinks he was going through it for cash etc.
I've not had much luck with relationships in the last few years and thought I'd met a good one. He doesn't seem to have much money to spare (eg he doesn't run a car, he cycles to work - he said he can't really afford one while he's doing up the house) but he has really made an effort on special occasions (got me a lovely hotel break for my birthday). But this is playing in my mind.