Friend never asks me questions.

[rainbowsaway]

First off, I know this is a minor problem in the grand scheme of things but .... A friend has had a minor illness for a couple of weeks. Messaged her Sunday evening to see how her weekend had been. Friend replied saying it was much better and outlined an activity she had done. We exchanged a couple of messages about the activity and then the messaging petered out. If the situation had been reversed, I would have asked how her weekend 1) out of politeness and 2) because I was interested.

For background, it's not the first time it's happened and also happens in different contexts. For example, a couple of weeks ago we were out for a walk and went past a horse riding centre. I asked if she'd ever been riding, she answered and then the conversation stopped. To me, there was a natural 'what about you?' question for her to ask that never came. I'm trying to work out whether she has poor social skills or has no interest in me, or maybe I just ask too many questions, or am I'm unreasonable waiting for her to ask me questions and should just be jumping in with stories about me that she hasn't asked for.

@rainbowsaway yes I see what you mean here! I would feel the same way as you like she wasn't interested in me

My best friend can be a bit self-absorbed, and I actually had a chat to her about it recently. Since then, things have been better, and she's more self-aware. Our friendship is strong enough to handle an 'honesty' chat though.

have this issue with one of my friends. When we meet up I can come away from it realising I've said nothing about me or my life at all because I ask the questions, she answers but then never asks back. I guess I'm the type of person who needs people to ask me questions rather than just volunteering unasked-for details about my life (possibly because I'm worried about being uninteresting or overbearing?). It does feel a bit rubbish though - like I'm just there to be talked at rather than having an actual conversation!

I used to have a friend like this. I felt like I was interviewing her rather than having a conversation! If I ran out of things to ask her we'd just sit in silence.

I have a friend like this, it’s almost comical how little she asks about anyone else.

I just accepted that’s how she is, she’s quite self absorbed but she’s also good fun... so I’ve decided she’s just that sort of friend... someone I’ll enjoy going for a drink with but not someone I’ll expect to lean on in times of need iyswim. I have other friends who are good for that.

My oldest friend is the same. NEVER asks questions. My husband has picked up on it, she can be here for a whole day and never ask a single question. I’ve come to the conclusion she’s just not very self aware and wants to be sure everyone knows what she’s been up to and how very busy she is. I once mentioned that I don’t know who I’d ring in an emergency and she was like ‘why not me!’.... empathy is not her forte either, she’d just go ‘oh yes that happened to me blah blah’ and she’d talk for the next hour

And before posters pile on saying that I obviously don’t like her - clearly her good parts outweigh this otherwise I wouldn’t be her friend and let her go on for hours. And obviously I’m not perfect either otherwise I wouldn’t be posting about her on here

The person might be very introspective and self-absorbed - not in an intentionally mean way.
Or very low self esteem so they are contantly worrying about what others think of them....to the point of excluding others!
So it doesn't strike them to ask questions of other people, because they relate every to themselves.
Therefore if you say you had a sore toe, instead of saying 'oh gosh which foot is that it must be painful' they might say straightaway 'I hurt my toe last year. You remember I was going on holiday with my sister, do you not remember? I'm sure I told you I'm sure you'd have remembered. Anyway I had to have it X rayed, you should go and get yours X rayed'.
Everything gets related inward to themselves and they are not good at relating 'outward'. They tend to give advice to you/at you rather than ask about your experience.

my best friend is very similar - she RARELY ask me questions. i always ask her questions but she never reciprocates. and on top of that she tends to cut me off while i'm talking... even if i'm replying to something SHE brought up. it's VERY frustrating and makes me feel like it's always about her. she is very self absorbed and i always wonder if she does this to others or is it just me (i tend to be a pushover as i don't like conflict).

I just don't know how you can have so little self awareness to not ask someone back, how are you or how was your weekend. As an experiment I stopped bothering to ask a colleague who does this, so now we have stilted silences. It's a boring world if nobody is interested in anyone but themselves.

I've had loads of friends like this. A lot of people can only relate to what they have personally experienced and have no ability to hold a conversation beyond their thoughts.

OH's friends are the same. 40min on zoom talking about themselves and then when the time warning goes off there's a sudden 'And what about you?' so there's only room for 'Fine, thanks'.

I could have written this myself! I have a few friends like this so it’s been interesting to read other people’s experiences.

I am guilty of being your friend sometimes. Not all the time, I do try, but it's kind of my "default mode".

It's a combination of things including social anxiety, lack of practise, and upbringing.

My mum throughout my childhood and teens demonstrated this behaviour and I thought it was normal. She would sit and not ask her friends any questions at all, then afterwards she'd rehash the conversation with my dad or my aunty or when I was older, me, and she'd say "So I wonder if she did XYZ or whether it was a case of ABC, what do you think? I'm dying to know but you can't ask, can you!" The most mundane things that could have been simply asked - like "So how did you meet your husband" or "How do you find working for X company?" were apparently taboo subjects that it would be terribly rude to ask 🤔

It's only in the last few years I've realised how batshit (and toxic) my mum was, and started unpicking all these beliefs and behaviours which I now realise stem from her (and my dad, equally toxic).

So please don't write your friend off, she may well feel very warmly towards you but just doesn't know how to "do" what most consider normal friendship conversation.

I have to remember to ask questions. I have to have the time to plan what would be appropriate questions even with my oldest friends.

After DD1 was diagnosed as autistic, I have begun to see how we share many of the same social difficulties.

I am like this and seldom ask questions. This is because it seems to be to be rude to interrogate the person you're with. It seems to me not that you are interested in them rather you're just being noisy. Never occurred to me that people might find it odd NOT to ask questions.

I had a friend who was exactly the same, she’d talk for 59 mins and then at the last minute ask me how I was, I’d reply “fine” as I was cheesed off by then. I stopped telling her stuff until she asked which made her realise a little that she was missing out.

I am like this and seldom ask questions. This is because it seems to be to be rude to interrogate the person you're with

So odd. How do you ever get to know anyone?? I love learning about new people and their lives, surely it's what makes us human? To be interested in others and find common ground?
Being curious about someone is not interrogating them, and most people love to talk about themselves and relish being asked!

If you don't ask questions then you are just talking about yourself aren't you?

I have a friend like this too. She's an old friend so I feel guilty distancing myself from her, but it really bothers me.

OP, what happens when you do just launch into a story about yourself? Does she listen, does she respond with interest? If so, maybe she's just not in the habit of thinking up questions and is waiting for your news.

The problem with my friend is that she'll literally just go "Oh!" or "aww!" etc, then talk about herself again!

On the flip side some people wont just converse /chat /share a similar or relevant story unless directly asked a question. It can feel like you're doing all the heavy lifting in a conversation if they need to be asked every time and can't naturally share a similar anecdote.

@FaceyRomford maybe I'm missing some signals from my friend. How do you show you are interested if you dont ask questions?

I have a few friends like this. One thing I have found with corona is that my tolerance for this behaviour has drastically declined. I just don't have the energy to give these one-sided friendships.

I think this is getting more common in general with people never expressing interest in others but endlessly happy to drone on about themselves. My husband says I’m “doing an Oprah” when I talk to friends because from the one sided conversation he hears, it’s just me endlessly asking questions. Same with other parents at school pick up, at work and with family. I don’t know how you improve it without raising it as an issue and then it being a problem. I’d like my friends to be genuinely interested in what’s happening with me because they care, not because they feel they have to ask. Not all friends of course, but definitely the majority.

If it's always like this then I'd just let the friendship go for a while, but given that she's just had an illness maybe she's just bit feeling unlike herself? And needs to talk?

I have chronic pain and occasionally one of my friends will remember and ask how are you.. I take that as a friend who genuinely wants to know, so sometimes the conversation is a bit more about me. But then again I will remember to thank them for checking in.

I have a friend like this. I’m genuinely interested in people and I’m always surprised at how poor conversationalists some people are

I agree with a PP. I can be arsed less with these kind of people

OP you are not alone. We are close to two families like this. It sounds awful to say so but they are so insular and self obsessed that it's become a joke between myself and my DH. You can literally have a long conversation with them, ask about their DC etc and they don't ask one question in return or express any interest at all in your life. I happened to speak to the DH of one of the families the other day and having asked after every member of their family and received no reciprocal questions in return, I actually decided to volunteer some information about something fairly major that had happened to us last week and he couldn't mask his complete lack of interest and having paused for two seconds, started talking about himself again. I didn't used to mind it but now it annoys me that they are so lacking in self awareness.

You'll get people on here who say it's rude to ask questions of others but it isn't as long as you are polite and choose your subjects carefully. It's much more impolite not to show any interest in anyone else and to talk exclusively about yourself.