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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Friend never asks me questions.

85 replies

rainbowsaway · 01/03/2021 15:57

First off, I know this is a minor problem in the grand scheme of things but .... A friend has had a minor illness for a couple of weeks. Messaged her Sunday evening to see how her weekend had been. Friend replied saying it was much better and outlined an activity she had done. We exchanged a couple of messages about the activity and then the messaging petered out. If the situation had been reversed, I would have asked how her weekend 1) out of politeness and 2) because I was interested.

For background, it's not the first time it's happened and also happens in different contexts. For example, a couple of weeks ago we were out for a walk and went past a horse riding centre. I asked if she'd ever been riding, she answered and then the conversation stopped. To me, there was a natural 'what about you?' question for her to ask that never came. I'm trying to work out whether she has poor social skills or has no interest in me, or maybe I just ask too many questions, or am I'm unreasonable waiting for her to ask me questions and should just be jumping in with stories about me that she hasn't asked for.

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 02/03/2021 11:27

@BoyTree

If you don't ask questions then you are just talking about yourself aren't you?

Are you? I get that the situation in the OP sounds frustrating, but surely there are other topics of conversation than the individuals involved in it. I can have a whole conversation without either party talking about ourselves that doesn't require any questions asked.

Yeah exactly, a TV series, the fact that your friend just won the lotto, the Pandemic etc etc
SackofTurtles · 02/03/2021 11:33

@BoyTree

If you don't ask questions then you are just talking about yourself aren't you?

Are you? I get that the situation in the OP sounds frustrating, but surely there are other topics of conversation than the individuals involved in it. I can have a whole conversation without either party talking about ourselves that doesn't require any questions asked.

Yes, absolutely, but there are admittedly people who literally only have themselves or what someone else they know has done/is doing as a topic of conversation.

I remember getting into some kind of altercation with someone on Mn years ago on a thread about friendships, and she claimed I must be either a dreadful friend or a total weirdo because I'd said that my best friend and I had both bought and sold and moved houses at around the same time without ever really talking about it to one another, even though we talk often. I said, 'But boring on about foot-dragging vendors and stamp duty is just not that interesting to anyone', and the other poster said 'But of course you'd be interested if it involved your friend -- that's part of being a friend.'

But genuinely, I don't talk about that stuff to friends. It doesn't even interest me that much when I'm doing it.

RapunzelHadExtensions · 02/03/2021 11:33

These people are so rude.

seensome · 02/03/2021 11:33

Poor social skills I would think, even people not interested in you can fake interest.

Does seem exhausting having to make all conversation. I wouldn't bother with a friend only interested in talking about themselves.

ElspethFlashman · 02/03/2021 12:04

I have to consciously remind myself to ask questions. I have Adhd and part of that is a tenancy towards word diarrhea. You have a subject and you just spill it out, whether it be an anecdote from your past or a TV show or something you happen to know about.

The good thing is that I do actually make a massive effort in every conversation to change that. I literally say to myself "ask them about that subject too" and then I do. And then I say to myself "OK now don't talk about yourself for a while, keep their bit going".

As you can imagine it can be a bit exhausting being always so conscious of it, but I do think it makes people view me more favourably so it's worth it.

And I notice when someone doesn't do it. Like this girl in work who will tell me in detail about her weekend but actually starts to scroll Instagram once she stops talking. As a result I've definitely put her in the "will have lunch with but won't bother to be close friends outside work" category.

SackofTurtles · 02/03/2021 13:01

As you can imagine it can be a bit exhausting being always so conscious of it, but I do think it makes people view me more favourably so it's worth it.

I appreciate the effort it must take, but this bit of your post struck me. Why is it only worth it because it 'makes people view you more favourably'? I mean, you know all your own anecdotes, pet subjects etc -- aren't you interested in what someone else might have to say about them, or how they might add to your knowledge of something you're enthusiastic about?

Circumstances have recently meant that I've had to spend a lot of time standing at a distance from DS's friends' parents in the park while the kids run off steam, and I can honestly say that one of the great and unexpected pleasures of this has been hearing about stuff I know nothing about being an architect or a touring musician, the history of a ruined house I've passed, living in Pakistan, the local visual arts scene, making your own ink from plants, an elderly aunt who believes she's haunted by the sound of falling coins or discovering a shared enthusiasm.

Obviously, I have things to say that are of interest to the other people, too, but I already know about my own stuff, so I'm more interested in hearing their stories.

Okbussitout · 02/03/2021 17:35

My parents are a bit like this. It's hard because it makes me feel they aren't interested. I think it's a combination of things being caught up in their own lives, lack of self awareness, not great conversation skills for example.

As she is a friend I'd think about whether she actually doesn't care or is just a poor conversationist.

FinallyHere · 02/03/2021 18:44

With people who do not regularly ask questions, I think the test is what happens to the conversation if you throw in something you would like to talk about, without waiting to be asked a specific question.

The truly self absorbed would pause while you speak but then go back to what they were talking about as soon as you stop.

If they build on what you say, so that the conversation stays on the topic you introduced, then it's all good.

In fact, it just sounds like a really good conversation to me.

crimsonlake · 02/03/2021 18:48

I work with someone like this, she basically wants to chat to me so she can talk about herself. She may on very rare occasions ask me something, but I can tell she is not listening and quickly turns the conversation back to herself. She would not be my friend in real life because of this...conversation is a two way thing.

Wondermule · 02/03/2021 18:52

I just find this idea that friendships should be an exact 50/50, sterile, reciprocal thing to be really wrong. Just exchanging pleasantries and ticking the question boxes sounds shite to me. They’re probably just telling you what they want you to know and relying on you doing the same.

As @FinallyHere if they are indeed self absorbed they will ignore it. But give them a chance.

FinallyHere · 02/03/2021 18:55

😀

I have learned that some people feel they need to be asked questions in order for it to be their 'turn' to speak. I have a few very general questions I keep in reserve to use in these circumstances ... because honestly I want them to talk about what is most interesting for them, not just what I ask them about.

agreyersky · 02/03/2021 18:56

Does she ask questions about you at other times?

I will ask people about themselves and remember things that are going on with them to ask about.
But if someone asked a question about me, like - have you ever done x' I may not ask if they have.

Eckhart · 02/03/2021 18:56

I'm trying to work out whether she has poor social skills or has no interest in me, or maybe I just ask too many questions, or am I'm unreasonable waiting for her to ask me questions and should just be jumping in with stories about me that she hasn't asked for

How will you find out the answers to these questions? Which reference book will you use to find out who is doing it right and who is doing it wrong, and how exactly you should be behaving?

Oblomov21 · 02/03/2021 18:59

That's not a friendship. I don't put up with it. I'm only interested in friends who put in the same amount of effort that I do.

Nuitsdesetoiles · 02/03/2021 18:59

My sister is in a friendship group that are scattered around a bit now. Known each other since school, one of them lives near me. If I saw her and knew she'd seen any of the others and how they were as I've known them since childhood. She doesn't have an inkling what's going on with any of them... I'll say "oh I heard x has a new job how's it going?" And she'll look at me blankly. No interest in anyone but herself. She's actually quite cold and mean with it too so I rarely see her now. Can't be doing with very self centred people.

NicelySpicy · 02/03/2021 19:29

@Wondermule

Does your approach work and is it conducive towards a good relationship? If you have to shout to be heard then people aren’t really listening are they? Is it just your sister you take this approach with, as I think you’re more likely to get away with this in a family relationship than friends. I think I rather admire your approach, I just wouldn’t have the balls to do it!

junebirthdaygirl · 02/03/2021 20:25

I have a friend who never asks me questions or remembers what my kids are up to etc. I always found it strange but our two dogs are friends so l just went along with it. Then bit by bit l realised she showed a lot of traits of autism. She has since been diagnosed in her 40s..nothing to do with me! Since l began to realise that l just accept she is like that and l don't wait for the questions l just fill her in. Her dh is amazingly good at conversation ad keeps up to date with everyone.
In that book How to make friends and influence people he really stresses getting people to talk about themselves. This comes naturally to some of us but has to literally be thought about by others.

Wondermule · 02/03/2021 20:33

[quote NicelySpicy]@Wondermule

Does your approach work and is it conducive towards a good relationship? If you have to shout to be heard then people aren’t really listening are they? Is it just your sister you take this approach with, as I think you’re more likely to get away with this in a family relationship than friends. I think I rather admire your approach, I just wouldn’t have the balls to do it![/quote]
I take this approach with everyone. You’d be surprised how well people react - they seem to relax into the conversation and let it flow naturally, rather than running through the tick box of ‘How’s work? How’s the family? What did you do at the weekend?’

As a consequence my sister’s relationships with her friends are very acquaintance-like and transactional. My friendships are very close and open, we can easily say when we are annoyed with each other, what we really think etc, and we come through it all stronger and with more banter!

FaceyRomford · 02/03/2021 22:08

@SackofTurtles

CAN’T you tell the difference, sorry.
Sorry, no I can't.
Knitterbabe · 03/03/2021 00:50

My sister is so self absorbed that she doesn’t actually ‘do’ conversation, its just a monologue. She can keep going for hours, even while eating and drinking. On boxing day 2019 she managed five hours, non stop. Five hours. From the moment she entered the house... Any attempt at intervention was talked over, or she commented ‘Oh really?’, and carried on. I felt like crying. It was something of a relief when we couldn’t gather last Christmas.

NewspaperTaxis · 03/03/2021 12:44

You do get people like this. It's a kind of hypomania or something. It is draining.

Nuitsdesetoiles · 03/03/2021 16:09

@Knitterbabe

My sister is so self absorbed that she doesn’t actually ‘do’ conversation, its just a monologue. She can keep going for hours, even while eating and drinking. On boxing day 2019 she managed five hours, non stop. Five hours. From the moment she entered the house... Any attempt at intervention was talked over, or she commented ‘Oh really?’, and carried on. I felt like crying. It was something of a relief when we couldn’t gather last Christmas.
This sounds awful! My friends boyfriend does this just goes on and on, he doesn't seem that bothered if you're listening though, friend and I end up just chatting amongst each other. It's like he has a compulsion to vocalise every thought that comes into his head...
crimsonlake · 03/03/2021 17:48

I think there is a big difference at least in my experience between people who are wary of asking too many questions and people who are self obsessed...they have no difficulty with holding long conversations as long as it is about themselves.

TheBullfinch · 03/03/2021 18:02

I think people like this fall into two camps:

The self-centred
The socially awkward

The self-centred see you and everyone else as their audience. They use you to offload on, get advice from and bask in the attention of others.

The socially awkward never learned the art of conversation and so, in order to avoid mistakes, dont ask any questions in case they get it wrong.

I've also read that in some social classes, it's seen as interrogation - something that the police do and therefore to be avoided at all costs.

Sssloou · 03/03/2021 19:31

*I think people like this fall into two camps:

The self-centred
The socially awkward

The self-centred see you and everyone else as their audience. They use you to offload on, get advice from and bask in the attention of others.

The socially awkward never learned the art of conversation and so, in order to avoid mistakes, dont ask any questions in case they get it wrong.*

I think the self-centred actually seek out the socially awkward introverts or people pleasers like a heat seeking missile so that they can hold court in a monologue uninterrupted.........they don’t bother with other self centred types because they can’t do dialogue.

I have a sister like this she is a tedious bore. I swerve her as do others I have since noticed. I would never ask HER a question because she it would be like rocket fuel.

She also has the “BIBTY” habit - “bringing it back to you” where if you mention anything she will somehow latch on to it to steer it her.

She has been a good case study to show my own teenage DDs how not to behave.

I also only have friends who have much a wider conversation range than just their personal lives.