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Original poster

Friend never asks me questions.

85 replies

rainbowsaway · 01/03/2021 15:57

First off, I know this is a minor problem in the grand scheme of things but .... A friend has had a minor illness for a couple of weeks. Messaged her Sunday evening to see how her weekend had been. Friend replied saying it was much better and outlined an activity she had done. We exchanged a couple of messages about the activity and then the messaging petered out. If the situation had been reversed, I would have asked how her weekend 1) out of politeness and 2) because I was interested.

For background, it's not the first time it's happened and also happens in different contexts. For example, a couple of weeks ago we were out for a walk and went past a horse riding centre. I asked if she'd ever been riding, she answered and then the conversation stopped. To me, there was a natural 'what about you?' question for her to ask that never came. I'm trying to work out whether she has poor social skills or has no interest in me, or maybe I just ask too many questions, or am I'm unreasonable waiting for her to ask me questions and should just be jumping in with stories about me that she hasn't asked for.

OP posts:
Original poster
rainbowsaway · 01/03/2021 22:03

@Mankyfruitbowl often, although maybe it's my imagination, it does feel like her eyes start to glaze over when I'm telling a story that goes on for more than a few sentences. She interrupts a bit too but occasionally stops herself and will tell me to continue.

OP posts:
BugsAndBeesAndBirdsAndButterfl · 01/03/2021 22:04

As long as people can volunteer informarion without being asked. Its a real pakn when someone wint converse unless asked a direct question. There needs to be some back and forth!

saraclara · 01/03/2021 22:06

@FaceyRomford

I am like this and seldom ask questions. This is because it seems to be to be rude to interrogate the person you're with. It seems to me not that you are interested in them rather you're just being noisy. Never occurred to me that people might find it odd NOT to ask questions.
That used to be me too. I thought it was nosy to ask questions. I was in my mid thirties before I learned that people actually wanted me to ask questions, and that it was seen as a sign of caring, and not as me asking personal questions that weren't my business.
ZaraCarmichaelshighheels · 01/03/2021 22:09

@FaceyRomford

I am like this and seldom ask questions. This is because it seems to be to be rude to interrogate the person you're with. It seems to me not that you are interested in them rather you're just being noisy. Never occurred to me that people might find it odd NOT to ask questions.
Do you think it’s rude when your friend asks you questions? If she didn’t would you just sit in silence? why not take the pressure off her and ask her if she had a nice weekend or something? it’s exhausting having to think of things to say all the time, I think it’s rude not to ask a friend questions! it just demonstrates you have no interest in your friend whatsoever.
Alloutandreadytogo · 01/03/2021 22:28

This is me I'm afraid. BlushBlush I never ask questions and people must think I am so rude Sad In reality, I have a bad stutter that most people aren't aware of, so they just think I'm a rude idiot and bad friend.

minipie · 01/03/2021 23:32

Allout I read this thread as being about people who are happy to talk till the cows come home about themselves, but don’t ever ask anything about the person they’re talking to. I’m guessing you’re more someone who stays quiet generally? In which case, not rude!

endlesswicker · 01/03/2021 23:56

Some people just aren't all that good with the ebb and flow of conversation and find it more difficult than other people.

I've got one or two friends who bombard me with questions when we meet, and sometimes it feels like an inquisition rather than a chat. I have other friends who are incapable of actually listening or responding to anything I might say, but will merrily talk about themselves ad infinitum.

Wondermule · 02/03/2021 00:02

Fgs if you want to say something just say it!!

My sister is like this - I’ll ask how her weekend was, she’ll say fine but not elaborate, I’ll tell her about mine, and then she’s all ‘you never ask me questions’ blah blah.

Well I’m not psychic, I can’t ask you about every scenario in case it happened. Just bloody tell me what happened!!

I find people like that to be high maintenance and very reciprocal in friendships.

NewspaperTaxis · 02/03/2021 00:04

Yeah, some people see a conversation as a one-way street, a chance to just say everything that is in their head, like they're thinking out loud in a stream of consciousness. Such types love watching interviews on telly because of course in them it's just one person talking on and on, with the interviewer asking questions, for what might be an hour or so. At no point does the subject turn it around and ask the interviewer anything, it's not expected, and some people pick up on that kind of talk. It can be quite narcissistic, self-absorbed.

On the other hand, to be fair, TV dramas just don't do that kind of inconsequential small talk do they? Aside from the Royle Family, perhaps. Every conversation has to have a point to it, some progress or information, rather than a sense of getting emotionally closer through some kind of shared connection.

I had loads of flatmates like that. You start of all happy and taking an intersest, always being the first. They love it. After a while I'd be in a bit of an off mood and think, right, you make an effort now. And they just wouldn't get it. They'd get in a right strop - and then you'd be in a silent war with someone who never really speaks anyway, so you're going to lose that one.

Sometimes I'd get this with some who were only children - though I'd be happy to believe that's not the case of only kids generally. But I do wonder if some who grow up alone sort of are used to parents fawning over them and making them the centre of things. The idea that you must engage with another person on your level & make an effort may not occur to them.

That said, I'm doing the same thing now, aren't I? I do look back and wonder if by doing the whole Dale Carnegie trick of taking an interest in someone, it's not evident it should be reciprocated. It's not just about asking questions though, more coming up with your side of the bargain, a follow-on comment. 'Oh that happened to you? Well, a similar thing happened to me...'

I have found hypermanic people who talk too much suddenly get a strop after a while because you haven't said anything when in fact you can't get a word in edgeways.

FaceyRomford · 02/03/2021 04:10

[quote rainbowsaway]@FaceyRomford maybe I'm missing some signals from my friend. How do you show you are interested if you dont ask questions?[/quote]
Good question. Having read the thread, I don't think I know the answer.

RomeoLikedCapuletGirls · 02/03/2021 04:32

Oh my god I have a friend like this. He always talks (well boasts) about his travels and I noticed that anything I said he would turn it back to what he had done, a place that he’d traveled to or was about to. It was almost comical at one point.
He’s been a bit quiet this last year Grin

BugsAndBeesAndBirdsAndButterfl · 02/03/2021 05:11

@Wondermule that's exactly what I was wondering was happening in some cases. I agree!

MysweetAudrina · 02/03/2021 05:40

Guilty of this. I'm very open, no filter but conscious that other people are more private so don't ask questions. I prefer if people volunteer information for discussion, don't like to come across as nosey. Therefore tend to get on with more talkative people where the conversation flows and is not limited to a question and answer style format. I find that too stilted and formal. I do remember to follow up with people on specifics they mention though so if a friend told me they were worried/excited about something then i would remember to ask how they got on the next time we talked.

Original poster
rainbowsaway · 02/03/2021 05:43

Wondermule this isn't about my friend not asking specific questions to elicit detailed information from me. She doesn't ask any general opening questions like 'how was your weekend?' which makes me think that maybe she's just not interested in what I've been up to.

OP posts:
SackofTurtles · 02/03/2021 06:04

@FaceyRomford

I am like this and seldom ask questions. This is because it seems to be to be rude to interrogate the person you're with. It seems to me not that you are interested in them rather you're just being noisy. Never occurred to me that people might find it odd NOT to ask questions.
‘Have you ever been horse-riiding?’when you are actually walking past a stables, and the other person has already asked you if you’ve ever done so is hardly an ‘interrogation’ or ‘being nosy’. Can you tell the difference between that and asking someone their salary, their voting preference, or what sexual position they favour?
SackofTurtles · 02/03/2021 06:06

CAN’T you tell the difference, sorry.

Crowsandshivers · 02/03/2021 06:36

I have a few friends like this and they never seem to ask how I am. I can spend a whole coffee date with one of them and she will never think to ask any questions about me or my family. We have grown up together so she knows everyone but she just doesn't think to ask. I had an interview last week and she didn't ask how it went even though she knew and we had spoken after it. I'm fed up too so totally get where you're coming from.

Shoxfordian · 02/03/2021 06:42

It is rude to not ask people how they are or reciprocate with questions they’ve asked you. I had a few friends like that but not close friends. It shows a definite lack of social skills

Wondermule · 02/03/2021 07:17

@rainbowsaway

Wondermule this isn't about my friend not asking specific questions to elicit detailed information from me. She doesn't ask any general opening questions like 'how was your weekend?' which makes me think that maybe she's just not interested in what I've been up to.
Just talk over her and tell her how it went anyway!
MonochromeMinnie · 02/03/2021 07:30

I've known (past tense) similar friends. I'm an old bird now and not prepared to be counsellor and therapist to people who can't be bothered to show any interest in me. The friends I have now are those who show an interest and we genuinely care about each other. My inlaws were a very self absorbed pair. I don't think they really knew anything about me in the 37 years they knew me yet I knew the minutiae of their lives.

moomoomummy · 02/03/2021 08:00

This is a modern phenomenon. I know so many people who can only talk about themselves, never show an interest in me and interrupt you when you are speaking . As I have got older and more aware of this in others , I just can't be bothered with being in their company if I don't have to . Some probably think its me that is rude but they have zero awareness of the issue . I am teaching my kids not to talk about yourself all the time and to ask other people questions .

sailonsilvergirls · 02/03/2021 10:25

So many people are like this! I haven't got time for them these days.

AryaStarkWolf · 02/03/2021 10:33

haha I know what you're saying, I've been friends with people like that, I usually brought it up in a jokey-but-not-really kind of way like

Me - How was your weekend?
Friend - Great I went to the cinema and then went out for Dinner

silence...........
Me - Oh how was mine? It was great I went on a hike and then watched a movie on TV later

SackofTurtles · 02/03/2021 10:49

My inlaws were a very self absorbed pair. I don't think they really knew anything about me in the 37 years they knew me yet I knew the minutiae of their lives.

Gosh, this, @MonochromeMinnie. My PILs have known me for thirty years, I'm married to their golden youngest and the mother of their youngest grandchild, I know everything about them, and could probably recite all their stories, tell you the names of all their pets ever and colleagues they worked with in jobs in the 1960s, and compile a family tree going back at least three generations etc etc -- but I overheard someone recently ask my FIL what I did for a living (the career I was training for when I met their son, and have worked in without a break ever since) and he didn't know!

BoyTree · 02/03/2021 11:18

If you don't ask questions then you are just talking about yourself aren't you?

Are you? I get that the situation in the OP sounds frustrating, but surely there are other topics of conversation than the individuals involved in it. I can have a whole conversation without either party talking about ourselves that doesn't require any questions asked.

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