Bloke who doesn't work - would this put you off?

[eatsleepread]

Hi. I joined a dating site a few days ago. I've been chatting to a bloke who seems nice, and last night we actually spoke on the phone for an hour. It went ok, and we had plenty to talk about. I'm still not sure and will just see how it goes (seasoned dater here!).
He asked me what I do for a living; I replied in kind. He told me that he used to do plastering & decorating with another chap, but he gave it up last year when the chap retired. Since then, he has been a carer to his school-aged daughter (an only child) who has diabetes. This isn't on a full-time basis, as care is split with her mother. His daughter keeps very well generally health wise. He says that he is better off financially now, and that he is in no rush to get back to work.
I'm not sure how I feel about that, but I don't think I like it. I've never been with a man who doesn't work, and I myself come from a hard-working family, where we're all in full-time employment. Some values, instilled in childhood, are hard to walk away from I guess.
He is also an hour and a half away, and I'm just not sure it's going to be worth it.
He was out walking today, while I was in a boiling hot classroom
Would you have respect for a partner who chooses not to work? I'm not sure I should persevere with this one.
I'm sorry if I sound judgemental. I'm trying not to be, but it's hard. 😬
Thanks.

I wouldn't not respect him because he doesn't work, but I don't want to be with a man who doesn't work. My ex had some patches like that and although it was for reasons that I understood, it made life very difficult. Also, in a recent conversation he told me he might want to have another child and hopes to be a stay at home father - he's not a in relationship right now, and there is nothing wrong with being a stay at home father, but I would hate to meet a man and find that he was planning that.

Well done on ending it. That's my standard response to almost every thread on here. I'm astounded at how many women let sub standard men live with them after knowing them for less than a year.
But I could tell early on you weren't going to give him money.

Definite turn off for me

To get carers allowance the child must have at least medium rate needs.
I'm a full time carer to my son, and I have to live on benefits. I don't like it but my son wouldn't function without me there.
I hope I'm not judged in the future if I meet someone!

By driven, I meant do something about the things he's not happy about in life. Doesn't like where he lives, but stays there for his daughter. Doesn't work ... again, daughter is the excuse

He's obviously not your type, OP, but staying somewhere he doesn't like because his daughter lives there sounds decent to me, as does the fact that his daughter is healthy despite having diabetes. Maybe that is because her parents are dedicating time to making sure that she is healthy.

I know that there are a lot of high achievers here who could look after several disabled children well and hold down a full-time job (and I'm nog being sarcastic), but I still prefer a man who cares about his child, even if he is tad lazy.

I think there’s some personal preferences you have to stick to when online dating. I didn’t want to date someone who doesn’t drive but met someone I liked who didn’t and decided to give him a chance. He announced at the end of the first face to face date that I could pick him up next time like he was ordering a taxi. I never saw him again.

@VodselForDinner

So how does he support his child? I’m guessing his ex could write a book on it.

Honestly, if I had a garden full of fannies, I wouldn’t let this dope look over the wall.

Haha love the fanny wall analogy 😂 Yeah op, he seems to be drifting and living off a carer’s allowance? I always had foundation criteria when old, single, tall, job, basic chat skills, no ex girlfriends in pictures ! I’m sure you can find a better one with a job or motivation to get one at least

I wouldn't be interested in this man either.

Was with someone in my early twenties who was constantly in and out of minimum wage jobs. Oh he had such plans, such dreams! Did he do anything about them? No, he most certainly did not.

This was in 2010 and I understand that he delivers takeaways now. He has five children (none with me, thank fuck).

Since then, he has been a carer to his school-aged daughter (an only child) who has diabetes.

I've heard it all now

Nope, I could not live with this. I broke up with a man in his late forties who (in his own words) lived the life of a pensioner since giving up work and living off his "investments" - no stable monthly income and some precarious stock market stuff going on.
There were other things, too, but the inactivity and laziness were enough to turn me off.

YANBU. There is no way I would form a relationship with someone who chooses not to work. I have a friend whose husband has gradually reduced his hours at work over the years. He now works very part-time and she is the breadwinner. It would be a cold day in hell before I tolerated that unless he was contributing to the household in a really constructive way which he isn’t. She’s now on maternity leave; he complains about the few hours he does and wants to do even less. They are in their early 40s. He is very happy for her to work all hours though.

No chance. The resentment would build. Even if I loved my job I’d feel resentful at times but on days I didn’t love my job I would probably want to kill him.

She has diabetes. Yes its a bad thing but is that all.
I split with my ex who didn't work. Well he did but only when his cousin wanted him and needed him to help him at work. And he still came home moaning about it and saying bad things about him. Alot of the year my ex was at home and my god did it do my head in!! We clashed so much, he is so lazy and stayed in bed til 11 or 12 every day. And expected me to do everything for him.
He had no intent on working he fobbed the universal credit off with his stories. So please don't get with a man like that man you have been talking to. It is horrible.

Yes it would put me off, very unattractive

No way would I consider dating him.

He is 100% lazy.

I would only date a man who didn't have a job if he didn't work because he had so much money, he didn't need to.

A man in this scenario is sort of written off in a way a woman usually wouldn't be. 'Mum' is still considered a job in a way 'Dad' isn't. Me, I think that both would deserve to be passed over in the dating game grin
Normally I find myself agreeing with some of the double standard observations on here, but not quite this one.
I think if a Mum had secondary aged child who they only saw half the week and they said they'd rather not work then they'd rightly get a bit of a roasting on here.

The thing is that mums who aren't working are typically a SAHP and the resident parent with the non-resident parent doing EOW or fractionally more. I doubt there's many women who only see their children half the week whilst refusing to work.

I had a boyfriend that didn’t work. He was very wealthy and even that didn’t stop the not working being very unattractive. It’s not just about money, it’s about drive and spark and ambition. He reeled me in by saying he “worked for himself” but he just waiting for his trust cheque to roll in, was under my feet when I worked from home a day a week and STILL wanted me to plan what we did for dates / had for dinner / what holidays. Never again.

Oh dear, no, sounds very lazy and willing to let someone else (even if its "just" the taxpayer) pick up the tab.

Like a poster upthread I had "creative" boyfriends in my youth (musicians). They couldn't possibly work because of the time they needed to dedicate to their art which one day would earn them a decent living. Sadly that did not come true for any of them. My uni boyfriend is now married with a child, relies heavily on his wife's income and assets and is most indignant that she insisted that he get a job (admin based). Every time I hear anything about him I think "phew, lucky escape!". A few years ago his parents gave him money so he could finally learn to drive which they thought he should, as a new father. He blew it all on singing lessons to develop his rock star voice. He's now 47. It's not happening.

@VodselForDinner

So how does he support his child? I’m guessing his ex could write a book on it.

Honestly, if I had a garden full of fannies, I wouldn’t let this dope look over the wall.

😂

No, I wouldn’t date somebody unemployed. A work ethic is important to me and I wouldn’t want to subsidise someone else.

I’m also of the old fashioned kind where I think parents should financially support any children they choose to have so would decline on that basis alone.

@maddiemookins16mum

I’m not saying he’s a winner BUT aren’t there also lots of women who do this too?

Of course. Why not be a full-time parent/carer if you don't earn more than on benefits. I wouldn't work if I didn't have to! I don't think there's any value to work just for the sake of working.

Most definitely not. Highly unattractive trait.

@thefourgp

I think there’s some personal preferences you have to stick to when online dating. I didn’t want to date someone who doesn’t drive but met someone I liked who didn’t and decided to give him a chance. He announced at the end of the first face to face date that I could pick him up next time like he was ordering a taxi. I never saw him again.

But not all non-drivers are like this! I don't drive so I use public transport. (Different if you live rurally of course, but he found a way to get to your first date!)

@PermanentTemporary

I know lots of people who don't do a 9-5 paid job (or whatever hours). They all have a lot to say for themselves. They are living a very simple life for ethical reasons and usually have a creative practice and voluntary work, they are a full-time creative who somehow manages to piece together enough to live on because they just burn to do what they do, they have major caring responsibilities or major voluntary work, or health issues that mean it's a rational decision to step back from work, or they bought a house a couple of decades ago which they rent out and they have interests other than work.

TBH I don't think the OP would be asking if she'd felt a huge connection with the guy anyway. And yes, I think it's madness for someone with a hugely pressured work ethic to get together with someone who doesn't see material security in the same way.

And so many jobs are bullshit jobs. You're not automatically a better person because you work full time.

"I have a good friend who is with someone who doesn't work and I just can't understand what she sees in him. It's not about money, it's about lack of ambition."

Plenty of people who work don't have any ambition or at least their ambition cannot get them anywhere.

"No, I wouldn’t date somebody unemployed. A work ethic is important to me and I wouldn’t want to subsidise someone else."

What about someone like me who has a job, but no work ethic?