Bloke who doesn't work - would this put you off?

[eatsleepread]

Hi. I joined a dating site a few days ago. I've been chatting to a bloke who seems nice, and last night we actually spoke on the phone for an hour. It went ok, and we had plenty to talk about. I'm still not sure and will just see how it goes (seasoned dater here!).
He asked me what I do for a living; I replied in kind. He told me that he used to do plastering & decorating with another chap, but he gave it up last year when the chap retired. Since then, he has been a carer to his school-aged daughter (an only child) who has diabetes. This isn't on a full-time basis, as care is split with her mother. His daughter keeps very well generally health wise. He says that he is better off financially now, and that he is in no rush to get back to work.
I'm not sure how I feel about that, but I don't think I like it. I've never been with a man who doesn't work, and I myself come from a hard-working family, where we're all in full-time employment. Some values, instilled in childhood, are hard to walk away from I guess.
He is also an hour and a half away, and I'm just not sure it's going to be worth it.
He was out walking today, while I was in a boiling hot classroom
Would you have respect for a partner who chooses not to work? I'm not sure I should persevere with this one.
I'm sorry if I sound judgemental. I'm trying not to be, but it's hard. 😬
Thanks.

I know lots of people who don't do a 9-5 paid job (or whatever hours). They all have a lot to say for themselves. They are living a very simple life for ethical reasons and usually have a creative practice and voluntary work, they are a full-time creative who somehow manages to piece together enough to live on because they just burn to do what they do, they have major caring responsibilities or major voluntary work, or health issues that mean it's a rational decision to step back from work, or they bought a house a couple of decades ago which they rent out and they have interests other than work.

TBH I don't think the OP would be asking if she'd felt a huge connection with the guy anyway. And yes, I think it's madness for someone with a hugely pressured work ethic to get together with someone who doesn't see material security in the same way.

I’m not saying he’s a winner BUT aren’t there also lots of women who do this too?

Choose not to work that is.

@Ilovemaisie

He must be receiving Carers Allowance if he can afford to stay home with his daughter. If he was recieving whatever Job Seekers is called these days he would be having to spend hours each day job hunting instead of taking care of his child. I receive Carers Allowance. That's my 'income' if you want to see it that way. A bit mean that you are all calling him a lazy bloke with no ambition. That's charming. He is taking care of his daughter who has a (sometimes complex) illness.

He doesn't have the daughter FT even. He's out going on walks. And before that, he was working and balancing the daughter just fine, but then jacked it in after his boss retired.

@Malwithoutbec

OP, could it be that he has some underlying mental health issues? My father gave up work at the age of 35. He had a lot of emotional trauma from his family and, although he was never properly diagnosed, I think that the main reason he decided not to go back to work was because he just couldn't cope with it from a mental health point of view. He had a small private income and he didn't need a lot to live but he was also lucky enough to be married to a financially independent lady. She ended up resenting him badly.

I know the line is very blurred in these cases. Where do you draw the line between being lazy and couldn't be bothered and having real mental health issues?

Either way, it's not great.

Well that would be sad for him but he's just some bloke she might or might date so no need for her to delve too deeply into that is there

@theleafandnotthetree

By driven, I meant do something about the things he's not happy about in life. Doesn't like where he lives, but stays there for his daughter. Doesn't work ... again, daughter is the excuse.
My standards aren't so low that I'd define someone with a job as driven

[quote eatsleepread]@theleafandnotthetree

By driven, I meant do something about the things he's not happy about in life. Doesn't like where he lives, but stays there for his daughter. Doesn't work ... again, daughter is the excuse.
My standards aren't so low that I'd define someone with a job as driven [/quote]
Ok, fair enough!

[quote eatsleepread]@theleafandnotthetree

By driven, I meant do something about the things he's not happy about in life. Doesn't like where he lives, but stays there for his daughter. Doesn't work ... again, daughter is the excuse.
My standards aren't so low that I'd define someone with a job as driven [/quote]
Just move on, he's not a keeper and he lives too far away.

How on earth can he be better off not working?

Someone not working - without a good reason - would put me off, yes.

But I possibly didn't make that very clear

Every tradesperson I know of has raked it in during the pandemic, with most of them doing 7 day weeks with late nights thrown in as people have been spending holiday money on their homes instead.
He’s clearly not financially driven, it would be a turn off for me

That's a good point. It's not great that he expected his boss to spoon feed him.

I wonder if it was a man asking about a woman these replies would be the same? 🤔

@LST

I wonder if it was a man asking about a woman these replies would be the same? 🤔

Well I have 50/50 custody of my two children with my ex-husband and I think I would expect to be judged if not working and being so passive about my own life. But I think you are right, there is a double standard. A man in this scenario is sort of written off in a way a woman usually wouldn't be. 'Mum' is still considered a job in a way 'Dad' isn't. Me, I think that both would deserve to be passed over in the dating game

Have sent him a friendly message to explain about the distance.
So that's that.
I think I would feel better if there were other irons in the fire, but it's a bit dire

I agree with this. I would pass him buy too. I would give him the benefit of the doubt and if I liked him get to know the reason why. But I reckon most pp would be jumping down a man neck who dared ask why a woman wasn't working

Does this not show the different reactions to men and women - many women give up their careers to be stay at home parents or caregivers, why is it different for a man?

Because he's not describing being a full time caregiver MaryJanes.

It's a fair question, but a different debate.
In his case, he wasn't the main carer, and had one 12 year old child. No babies or toddlers, or staying home with them to facilitate the main breadwinner's career.
It would be rare for a man to choose not to work in those circumstances, and it's not attractive to me.

Well, with regard to him, how do you know he hasn't spent years saving and working hard, and can now afford not to? Or won some money? Or inherited?

The money isn't really the issue, is it? It's his outlook.

This is more of a concern:

I'm sorry if I sound judgemental. I'm trying not to be, but it's hard

How are you going to be able to judge if someone is right for you if you think that judging is wrong? Something about this guy is turning you off. Nobody can tell you that you're judging him wrong for yourself, only you can know that. Bin him. Find someone who ticks your boxes, makes your knees quiver with his passion for his calling, and lives close enough to come when you call him.

@Eckhart

Already done!

I usually say don't let him move in with you, but I realise that's not possible because of his caring responsibilities.

Lots of presumptions here. I already said that I'd never again live with someone else, at least not while my kids are still at home.
And that I'd already ended things!

[quote eatsleepread]@Eckhart

Already done![/quote]
Oh, nice one. Sorry, I'd missed your post

I wouldn't, I have a good friend who is with someone who doesn't work and I just can't understand what she sees in him. It's not about money, it's about lack of ambition.

Carers allowance isn't there for people who don't want to work, it's there for those who genuinely need full time care. I'm not sure how they are working it as they can't both claim it, it's something like £65 a week, so not exactly racking it in and only one person can claim it per child.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I would only date someone who is super ambitious as that's not it at all, but ability to support themselves is important. Different if the child was needing full time support and with him full time, but it sounds like an excuse.