Bloke who doesn't work - would this put you off?

[eatsleepread]

Hi. I joined a dating site a few days ago. I've been chatting to a bloke who seems nice, and last night we actually spoke on the phone for an hour. It went ok, and we had plenty to talk about. I'm still not sure and will just see how it goes (seasoned dater here!).
He asked me what I do for a living; I replied in kind. He told me that he used to do plastering & decorating with another chap, but he gave it up last year when the chap retired. Since then, he has been a carer to his school-aged daughter (an only child) who has diabetes. This isn't on a full-time basis, as care is split with her mother. His daughter keeps very well generally health wise. He says that he is better off financially now, and that he is in no rush to get back to work.
I'm not sure how I feel about that, but I don't think I like it. I've never been with a man who doesn't work, and I myself come from a hard-working family, where we're all in full-time employment. Some values, instilled in childhood, are hard to walk away from I guess.
He is also an hour and a half away, and I'm just not sure it's going to be worth it.
He was out walking today, while I was in a boiling hot classroom
Would you have respect for a partner who chooses not to work? I'm not sure I should persevere with this one.
I'm sorry if I sound judgemental. I'm trying not to be, but it's hard. 😬
Thanks.

I think he felt that the Covid thing was good timing for him to be able to stay home with his daughter, and do home schooling etc. I can understand that to a degree.
I'm glad it's not just me who feels this way, but a part of me hopes I'm not making a mistake in just leaving it, as I really don't know his circumstances.
I have no idea if he struggles financially, but it does sound like he has a good rapport with his ex. He does seem to live a simple life though. Chooses to go camping instead of holidays abroad, etc.

I'd throw him back just on the basis you both have kids and live too far away from each other, him choosing not to work and using his daughter's health as the excuse would just confirm it.

DP lives about 30 minutes away, that's far enough when you're both juggling kids and jobs.

@StephenBelafonte

He's currently using his child as a cash cow out looking on the internet for a woman to be a cash cow with sex and domestic work thrown in 🤣

This

Hmmm lm sure he did think Covid was good timing. Lots of people out there are trying to use the pandemic to avoid things and shirk their responsibilities

My mum has been in and out of relationships my entire life and all of those that didn’t work were free loaders who were absolute wasters. Sadly she had no confidence. Anyway, it’s made me very against men who don’t work out of choice.

No way! A child with diabetes doesn’t need a full time carer. I know a child with diabetes, both her parents work full time in demanding jobs.
He’s just trying to justify his laziness. I could never date someone like this x

@eatsleepread

I think he felt that the Covid thing was good timing for him to be able to stay home with his daughter, and do home schooling etc. I can understand that to a degree. I'm glad it's not just me who feels this way, but a part of me hopes I'm not making a mistake in just leaving it, as I really don't know his circumstances. I have no idea if he struggles financially, but it does sound like he has a good rapport with his ex. He does seem to live a simple life though. Chooses to go camping instead of holidays abroad, etc.

He doesn't have a job, no work ethic and lives a long way away, a mistake would be to invest more time on him. Raise your bar here!

No you'll always be living on the breadline, holidays will be camping in some field for free, unless you pay for everything.

No mention of ambition or gumption. Does he mean better off as in benefits. I once chatted to a guy online, and then i became all spycam. I discovered he was online, on same dating site, as 3 different people. Lived in 3 different towns, 3 different starsigns, 3 different jobs. 3 different photos of him at various angles. Defo him. Also 3 different first names. I waited for him to call, told him what I had discovered and that he was dishonest. He put the phone down rather quick. Do some research girl, save yourself the hassle

@StephenBelafonte

He's currently using his child as a cash cow out looking on the internet for a woman to be a cash cow with sex and domestic work thrown in 🤣

Spot on.

If this did turn into a relationship, how would you feel working all day and him just being at home doing not very much. Could you see yourself living with a bloke like that? What if he expected you to pay for everything if you wanted to do something nice, what you you wanted that holiday abroad and he could only afford camping in the UK? Personally, a freeloader isn't my thing.

I'm not going to do research, as I'm not invested in him at all.

And no living on the breadline for me! I wouldn't co-habit until my children have flown the nest.

Nor would I accept paying for everything. Goodness me!

Thanks for the input, folks. Really appreciate it. You've helped me to see what I already knew, but felt a bit guilty about.

What’s he actually living off? Benefits?

@eatsleepread

I'm not going to do research, as I'm not invested in him at all.

And no living on the breadline for me! I wouldn't co-habit until my children have flown the nest.

Good! A simple, 'I'm looking for different things in life just now and it's been nice talking to you but don't really see this moving anywhere so best of luck.'

And please, please, you are allowed to have ANY boundaries you'd like when it comes to whom you spend your time with, nothing is 'judgemental' about having your own standards.

In fact you might need to revise them and raise them because this guy should have screamed 'Loser!' to you from the get go and move on without looking back and with no hesitation.

That was my assumption. Some sort of carer's allowance maybe?

@eatsleepread

Nor would I accept paying for everything. Goodness me!

Thanks for the input, folks. Really appreciate it. You've helped me to see what I already knew, but felt a bit guilty about.

He doesn't feel guilty about doing his 100% to provide for his child, though.

@eatsleepread

And quite passive too I think. Giving up work because his boos retired. He doesn't like the town where he lives, but stays there for his daughter. I guess I'm attracted to driven men.

Having a job hardly puts someone in the 'driven' category, more normal functioning human being I would have thought. You're not rejecting someone who's just not quite Gordon Geko enough for you.

@eatsleepread

That was my assumption. Some sort of carer's allowance maybe?

That doesn't add up because he's got shared custody. And he'd be on UC which isn't very much. Screams con artist.

I think for me it would be two things: firstly, if he's financially well off enough to continue doing that without risking relying on someone else and secondly, knowing what he fills his time with.
I'd love to be financially secure enough not to work and would if I could, but thats because I've got a lot of hobbies and interests that I wish I had the time for.
If he's financially secure and filling his time with things he's interested in and always wanted to do, then it wouldn't bother me. If he's not secure and spending his time sitting on his arse in front of the TV or faffing about online, then it'd be a hell no.

Depends.
If he had an income from, say, investments and can support himself then I wouldn't care if he had a job or not.

If he was actively choosing a life on benefits then no. I couldn't respect someone who chose that lifestyle.

OP, could it be that he has some underlying mental health issues? My father gave up work at the age of 35. He had a lot of emotional trauma from his family and, although he was never properly diagnosed, I think that the main reason he decided not to go back to work was because he just couldn't cope with it from a mental health point of view. He had a small private income and he didn't need a lot to live but he was also lucky enough to be married to a financially independent lady. She ended up resenting him badly.

I know the line is very blurred in these cases. Where do you draw the line between being lazy and couldn't be bothered and having real mental health issues?

Either way, it's not great.

He must be receiving Carers Allowance if he can afford to stay home with his daughter. If he was recieving whatever Job Seekers is called these days he would be having to spend hours each day job hunting instead of taking care of his child.
I receive Carers Allowance. That's my 'income' if you want to see it that way.
A bit mean that you are all calling him a lazy bloke with no ambition. That's charming. He is taking care of his daughter who has a (sometimes complex) illness.

It wouldn't be so bad if he was actively searching for sensible jobs to provide for his child, but the fact he isn't and doesn't plan to is so unattractive. There doesn't seem to be a reason for him to not work other than laziness.

Be interesting to know how he is 'better off not working' ?? If it's that he's saved up and received redundancy pay when the boss retired, then fair enough.
He won't be able to live on benefits long-term, as would need to be searching for a job and applying.

I wouldn't call it a day just yet, there might be a bigger picture. Maybe he means better off because he is getting by without paying out for work materials, fuel etc. But I would be very wary and keep my finances to myself and look after No1.

Good luck