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Relationships

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Original poster

Did he talk me into bed?

102 replies

CurlsLDN · 01/03/2021 10:58

Having been online dating for a while, I recently got chatting to a guy who has a great personality, has led an interesting life, and is just my type.

He asked me to meet him for a walk, we agreed a date a few days away, then he asked actually if I'd be free to meet him the next day as he was really keen to meet me - that was last weekend.

Over this past week we have met up 4 times, for long walks of 4hrs or so at a time. All was going really well, talking about anything and everything. He was very complimentary, commenting how impressed he is with my intelligence, my work, my looks etc. He also told me he is looking for a relationship and to find someone he could settle down with eventually.

He suggested that for the 5th date we go to his house for dinner, as we can't go to a restaurant. I agreed and ended up staying the night and DTD. It was a lovely night, and he encouraged me to stay the next day until the evening when I went home.

Since then I've sensed a change in tone and frequency of messages, he's not flirting or paying any compliments at all, no reflections on the time we spent together. I lightly suggested we meet up again in a week or so and he said 'lets talk about it nearer the time.'

I suspect all the intensity, talk and wanting to see me so frequently was all just to get me into bed, and he's not the guy I hoped he could turn out to be.

It's only been a week, I can move on and forget about it, but today I'm just a bit disappointed and sad and would love your views on this - whether I'm over reacting and jumping to conclusions, or if you suspect he was in it for sex only, or anything else. Id just like some outside perspective and the support/straightalking of you lot to help me settle my feelings.

OP posts:

AryaStarkWolf · 01/03/2021 11:03

Yeah it sounds like he got what he wanted and so the "chase" is over. Asshole.

Coffeeandcocopops · 01/03/2021 11:05

I’m sorry it does sound like it. What a nasty man. Whether you challenge him on it I’m not sure if it’s worth it.

LaceyBetty · 01/03/2021 11:07

Sorry, OP, I agree with Arya. This happened to me a few times (many moons ago). I think "disappointed" is the best word for it. Try not to give it too much headspace, and please don't be disappointed in yourself! It's him.

BehindMyEyes · 01/03/2021 11:12

Chalk it up to experience and be more aware the next time . Your title could also be "Why did I let myself be talked into bed?" I suspect he is now cooling off .

Original poster

CurlsLDN · 01/03/2021 11:13

Thanks guys, I am learning to trust my gut, and my gut here is saying I've been played.

So hard not to send him a message and try to spark some comment that would give me reassurance though! But I know it's not worth it, if he wants to continue to develop things he will make it clear, but right now he isn't doing that, and me trying to make it happen won't help. Best to keep my dignity right?

I just don't get why people do this, the things he was saying and doing before were so lovely. Is he really that desperate for sex that he'd say and do all that without meaning it? I don't think I'd ever be that desperate for sex!

OP posts:

Scrunchy95 · 01/03/2021 11:13

Oh no, so sorry. It does seem as though he achieved his goal and now the chase is over he's lost interest. Git!

Sillysandy · 01/03/2021 11:13

It seems he has changed his mind and is hedging his bets. I wouldn't be too available now. If he does suggest a meet make sure you're not some contingency so don't accept any last minute "oh actually I'm free this evening it seems, if you wanna hang out" or mindless text messaging without any suggestion of a next meeting. I'd actually ignore anything he messafes now apart from a proper suggestion of a date. People have called me old fashioned or game playing for that sort of thing but i always felt respected even if I didn't get the outcome I had hoped for.

In terms of dealing with your own feelings I think you should ask yourself honestly if you feel bad having sex and not seeing him again?

If the answer is no, then great
If the answer is yes, wait till you're actually exclusive before you get into bed with someone again.

Both of the responses are absolutely correct by the way - I felt differently at various stages of my life. I think it's really important not to lie to yourself though.

Original poster

CurlsLDN · 01/03/2021 11:15

Yes behindmyeyes you are completely right, and I am kicking myself for letting this happen, and thinking a lot about what I should learn from it.

OP posts:

Original poster

CurlsLDN · 01/03/2021 11:19

sillysandy that's an interesting way of looking at it. Honestly no I don't regret the sex, even if I don't see him again. I chose to do it, I enjoyed it, I'm an adult who made the decision to do that and a free agent so that's fine. Thankfully I won't be beating myself up in that sense.
It's more having my hopes dashed - that he seemed a great fit that could have the potential to develop into a relationship (which I would really like) so now I'm just gutted that that hope is extinguished

OP posts:

Wanderlusto · 01/03/2021 11:21

Just a love bomber.

The best answer when someone new expects you to meet them at the last minute or more than twice in a week is 'no'.

DianaT1969 · 01/03/2021 11:23

Definitely disappointing. But you could reframe it as he got you back in the saddle (not literally 😂) after this last year of non-dating boredom. Now you can get out there with confidence to meet a few more frogs and hopefully find a good one.

honeysuckle21 · 01/03/2021 11:26

That's really rubbish op 'I'll talk about meeting up nearer the time' grrr yet so quick and pushy to meet you before sex, very disappointing that some men stoop so low. I guess the only thing you can do in future is not going on dates too much, too soon, have a date once a week with communication in between until you feel you trust them enough.

GravityFalls · 01/03/2021 11:27

Yep, you're right, and it's OK to be disappointed. I don't think you did anything wrong per se, but remember that he seems like a good fit because he was doing his damnedest to seem like a good fit! I'm not saying he was lying but I suspect talking up parts of himself, telling you what you wanted to hear while suppressing the rest. So it's not like it's a waste of what could have been a good relationship, it was never going to be that, you wouldn't have chosen to have essentially a one night stand but that's what happened. I think you're best doing what you've already come to the conclusion is the best - don't chase, just move on.

RantyAnty · 01/03/2021 11:27

If you enjoyed the sex, no reason to feel bad about that part.

To answer your question about men. Yes, many are desperate for sex like that. It really is sad and pathetic of them to do that but it is their weakness.

The takeaway is always to assume all men are lying to you until they prove otherwise. They will say and do anything to get you into bed.
They know women most likely want a relationship so they lie making themselves sound great. Same with interests and background.
Let them share their interests and whatever first. When you share yourself first, many will just mirror you to make you think you have so much in common, etc.

UhtredRagnarson · 01/03/2021 11:30

Talk you into bed?

That implies you played no part in the decision to have sex. If you didn’t want to have sex, did you feel unable to refuse?

Original poster

CurlsLDN · 01/03/2021 11:32

Yes I now suspect some of the things he said may have been to mirror me, and also that there are some big aspects to him that I don't know anything about (naturally, it's only been a week!)

So I'm going to ride out the next couple of days and treat myself to some home comforts, a nice bar of chocolate, a call with a friend, remind myself that I'm pretty bloody awesome and that he's an idiot to have had a chance with me and to have blown it, and then relegate him to the 'bad tinder date stories' and move on.

If Prince Charming could please hurry up though I would appreciate it, these time wasters are exhausting.

OP posts:

SilverRoe · 01/03/2021 11:33

Actually i’m probably in a big minority here because everyone says oh keep your dignity, don’t let him know he got to you etc but my view is - why should you?!! Why should you sit back like a good little dignified woman and let him fuck you off with barely a murmur if it becomes apparent he plays women like this to get them into bed. In my view keeping quiet just gives people like him a get out of jail free card because it plays on the woman’s need to not lose face. Fuck that, i’d be telling him off!

However! Saying all that if you’re not sure that’s what he’s done then maybe give it a bit more time, he may be worrying it’s got intense too fast etc - but all all honesty a mature adult man would communicate that and not leave you hanging.

Chewingle · 01/03/2021 11:35

The next day - did you have sex again during the day?

Chewingle · 01/03/2021 11:37

Could he be that he did really like. He was genuine. However whilst YOU enjoyed sex with him, he didn’t with you?

BalancedIndividual · 01/03/2021 11:39

Im not sure how to put this....

It might not be what you think. It could be that he really was into you, but the physical experience wasnt in-tune with his expectations/rhythem. And now he's not sure how to proceed with the relatship.

Savethewhales · 01/03/2021 11:41

You done nothing wrong, remember that, he's the horrible one only wanting you for one thing. It's happened to most people and you learn from it. It will sting that you were duped into thinking he was a good guy, he wasn't he took advantage of your good nature. Next time a guy love bombs you that way, keep him waiting at least a year, if he can wait a year to have sex with you, he will be the one for you, if he drops you then you know he's a cad. Most genuine guys will like you for who you are and won't lovebomb

GravityFalls · 01/03/2021 11:43

But that will upset OP, while having NO EFFECT on him whatsoever. Especially when he doesn't react with humility and grace but just ignores whatever angry screed she sends. Don't blame women for men's behaviour. It's not up to us to teach them how to behave.

Original poster

CurlsLDN · 01/03/2021 11:44

Chewingle and balancedindividual yes this has absolutely crossed my mind too, and I'm not so arrogant as to think that every guy in the world would think I'm amazing in bed. But we did it multiple times, in the evening, middle of the night and next day, so it can't have been too terrible

OP posts:

Jenny215 · 01/03/2021 11:46

He just wanted the chase and sex

I slept with OH on the first night we met and he was and still is as interested in me before we DTD.
It really doesn't matter when you sleep with them, if they're genuinely into you then they'll still chase you, if they just want sex they'll tail off.

UhtredRagnarson · 01/03/2021 11:48

he's the horrible one only wanting you for one thing. It's happened to most people and you learn from it. It will sting that you were duped into thinking he was a good guy

Oh come on! I’ve gone off people after having sex for the first time. It doesn’t make me horrible or not a good woman! It’s completely normal. Not everyone is sexually compatible. It’s just another stage of the getting to know you process. Just like some people realise after meeting the family, or some people realise after watching them eat, some realise after having sex that this won’t be going any further. No-one should feel they have to keep seeing someone they don’t want to just because they realised after having sex. I mean should he have pretended to like her and want a future and have sex 2/3/4 more times just to avoid being considered a horrible bad guy?

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