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Original poster

Did he talk me into bed?

102 replies

CurlsLDN · 01/03/2021 10:58

Having been online dating for a while, I recently got chatting to a guy who has a great personality, has led an interesting life, and is just my type.

He asked me to meet him for a walk, we agreed a date a few days away, then he asked actually if I'd be free to meet him the next day as he was really keen to meet me - that was last weekend.

Over this past week we have met up 4 times, for long walks of 4hrs or so at a time. All was going really well, talking about anything and everything. He was very complimentary, commenting how impressed he is with my intelligence, my work, my looks etc. He also told me he is looking for a relationship and to find someone he could settle down with eventually.

He suggested that for the 5th date we go to his house for dinner, as we can't go to a restaurant. I agreed and ended up staying the night and DTD. It was a lovely night, and he encouraged me to stay the next day until the evening when I went home.

Since then I've sensed a change in tone and frequency of messages, he's not flirting or paying any compliments at all, no reflections on the time we spent together. I lightly suggested we meet up again in a week or so and he said 'lets talk about it nearer the time.'

I suspect all the intensity, talk and wanting to see me so frequently was all just to get me into bed, and he's not the guy I hoped he could turn out to be.

It's only been a week, I can move on and forget about it, but today I'm just a bit disappointed and sad and would love your views on this - whether I'm over reacting and jumping to conclusions, or if you suspect he was in it for sex only, or anything else. Id just like some outside perspective and the support/straightalking of you lot to help me settle my feelings.

OP posts:
BalancedIndividual · 02/03/2021 17:02

@ravenmum

No no, it applies equally to both sexes. E.g. the guy wouldnt be serious relationship material either.

ravenmum · 02/03/2021 17:17

[quote BalancedIndividual]@ravenmum

No no, it applies equally to both sexes. E.g. the guy wouldnt be serious relationship material either.[/quote]
But if he thinks it's fine for HIM to sleep with her, then judges HER for sleeping with him, he is sexist or hs no brains.

BalancedIndividual · 02/03/2021 17:20

Ah,I see your point.

People can be hypocrites, I guess.

Cas112 · 02/03/2021 17:20

It could also be that although he initially wanted a serious relationship, when they had sex very soon after meeting, he realised that OP wasnt what he wanted for a long term / serious relationship

Ok so he also was the one to have sex 'very soon' as you put it yet SHE is not what HE wants for long term / serious relationship.

Misogynism at its finest

Lovelydiscusfish · 02/03/2021 18:06

I would hate to be with a man who judged women for having sex early in the relationship, who was up for sex early in the relationship himself. I consider this type of man to be an utter sexist twat.....

SoftParade · 02/03/2021 18:09

OP, I wouldn't spend time thinking about it. You don't know him long. If he wants to contact you he will, if not ... then that's his choice and maybe you're better off!! Also, if you did get to know him better, then there is a possibility you might want to continue a relationship either....so who knows.

Looking at it selfishly it seems like you had a nice time together, some interesting discussion and walks, and if the sex and the dinner was good for you (you were not clear on that) ... that overall it sounds like a very very nice week :)

Opentooffers · 02/03/2021 22:24

You perhaps could take from this that 5 dates in 1 week is overenthusiastic love-bombing, as is being very complementary from the off. Sounds like he came on very strong, easy to get caught up in the whirlwind of it, but smell a rat and beware in future maybe?

Qwertyyui · 02/03/2021 23:20

I think with sex you need to work out what you want. I have slept with people and waited and then it has fizzled. I have slept with people quickly and it has lasted. I don't attach emotion to sex so I find it easier to deal with. Love bombing happens. I slept with my now DH the second day of meeting him. Was pretty sure I wouldn't see him again but thought he was fit as so decided a night in the sack would be worth it. Turns out some men are just really romantic and love women and every red flag I thought was there was just him actually really adoring me (who knew?!) We were engaged in 7 months. Married in 15 months and happier than ever. You just don't know. I have plenty of notches on my bedpost as long as you enjoyed it it is all that matters. Chalk it up to experience. If a man just wants you in bed he will work for it as long as he has to. There is no real defining it in advance so you can work with that thought and just enjoy the sex and anything extra is a bonus or wait til marriage.

TossaCoinToYerWitcher · 02/03/2021 23:36

You perhaps could take from this that 5 dates in 1 week is overenthusiastic love-bombing, as is being very complementary from the off.

Yes, as a man myself (though not one who'd go to such extreme and morally dubious measures just to have sex) I have to say this is spot one. This comment of yours in particular rang alarm bells OP:

He was very complimentary, commenting how impressed he is with my intelligence, my work, my looks etc.

I mean, may be this is where I'm going wrong and why I'm single, but there's no way I could shovel on the praises about every facet of someone I barely knew without feeling like a complete slimeball. "Oh, you're so intelligent... Or you work so hard... And you're so gorgeous too..." It sounds straight out of a schmoozer's handbook.

GreenlandTheMovie · 03/03/2021 00:02

@BalancedIndividual

Im not sure how to put this....

It might not be what you think. It could be that he really was into you, but the physical experience wasnt in-tune with his expectations/rhythem. And now he's not sure how to proceed with the relatship.

Oh ffs. Almost no-one has perfect sex with a first time partner.

Whereas men using women for sex is really common.

You sound like a real man-pleaser...not of much interest or help to other women though.

GeidiPrimes · 03/03/2021 00:32

It sounds like he's been following the advice on PUA sites.

Pretty sure there's a whiff of eau d'incel on the thread...

ItisLikethis · 03/03/2021 00:50

I don't see the problem with having two dates within a week or asking to see someone at short notice, if there is a valid reason, such as due childcare issues or limitations from work. Or having sex on the 4th or 5th date. Confused

However, from experience, lovebombing is a very real thing. Don't trust anyone who whispers sweet nothings at you of any description that early on.

StarlightLady · 03/03/2021 06:56

OP, this is so his loss. And had you waited longer before having sex the outcome would have been the same. It’s good you found out early on.

I get so angry at those who judge people for having sex early in a friendship. There is no better way of sorting out the men from the boys.

There is no right time to wait before having sex. My own sister met her now husband at a mutual friend’s wedding in an hotel. She laid him within a couple of hours and they have now neen married years.

FluffyHippo · 03/03/2021 07:28

If you feel upset by this situation, perhaps you should respect yourself more and not have sex with someone you barely know and who - by your own admission - was manipulating you into a situation which you now feel uncomfortable with.

If he genuinely liked and cared for you and wasn't just after a fuck, he would have been happy to wait - decent men and women are.

Onelifeonly · 03/03/2021 07:29

I agree that loads of compliments early on should be taken with a pinch of salt, or used as a sure sign of insincerity. I remember when a bf of mine told me how wonderful I was at my job and thinking wtf did he know about it. He only had my word for it iyswim. (We did last for several years though.)

And does anyone insist on seeing someone new repeatedly within a week? Isn't normal to play it a bit more cool? (Long time since I dated, but however much I liked someone I wouldn't have bombarded them to that extent.)

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 03/03/2021 07:36

Oldest story in the world. Enjoy it for what or was and move on . This only becomes an issue if he starts popping in and out of your life then he really is using you , don't allow that .
It's a harsh lesson ,but not the end of the world .

Lampan · 03/03/2021 07:49

I wouldn’t be at all surprised if he pops up again in a few weeks with a message with some rubbish excuses about how busy he has been, and suggesting meeting up again. If he does this, obviously don’t meet him. Reply, be friendly but vague and tell him you have moved on (I know it might be more sensible just to ignore/block but in this case the reply is more effective)

gannett · 03/03/2021 09:49

There's no such thing as being talked into bed if you only have sex when you want it for yourself and for its own sake.

I've had one-night stands, sex on first dates, as well as waiting longer. None of that has ever been about game-playing or doing it in the hope of something more - it's been because I wanted it in that moment with that person. Sometimes I could tell they were sweet-talking me and only wanted sex themselves. But that was true of me sometimes too.

There's no correlation between when I chose to have sex and how long that fling/relationship lasted. I slept with my now DP of 10 years the first night I met him, not really envisaging it would go anywhere - but he was fit and I wasn't going to pass that opportunity up!

DropDTuning · 03/03/2021 10:45

@gannett Absolutely. You can't choose to have sex with someone and then subsequently claim it was 'non-consensual' (not the OP but some previous posters) on the basis that they were deceptive about their intentions - who on earth puts any stock by the words of someone they've known for a week? Who would even want a commitment from someone who's essentially a stranger?

It's absolutely fine to have sex with whoever you want, whenever you want to, for whatever reason. It's bollocks to then act like you were tricked into it on the basis of some nonsense talked by a stranger.

CatalinaCasesolver · 03/03/2021 10:51

@BehindMyEyes

Chalk it up to experience and be more aware the next time . Your title could also be "Why did I let myself be talked into bed?" I suspect he is now cooling off .
Bit unfair considering many people would DTD after five or so successful dates.
CatalinaCasesolver · 03/03/2021 10:55

@Sillysandy

It seems he has changed his mind and is hedging his bets. I wouldn't be too available now. If he does suggest a meet make sure you're not some contingency so don't accept any last minute "oh actually I'm free this evening it seems, if you wanna hang out" or mindless text messaging without any suggestion of a next meeting. I'd actually ignore anything he messafes now apart from a proper suggestion of a date. People have called me old fashioned or game playing for that sort of thing but i always felt respected even if I didn't get the outcome I had hoped for.

In terms of dealing with your own feelings I think you should ask yourself honestly if you feel bad having sex and not seeing him again?

If the answer is no, then great
If the answer is yes, wait till you're actually exclusive before you get into bed with someone again.

Both of the responses are absolutely correct by the way - I felt differently at various stages of my life. I think it's really important not to lie to yourself though.

THIS 100%.

Could not have put it better myself

Wildswimming3 · 03/03/2021 11:53

I dont have any advice for the op but surely this scenario is against lockdown rules? I know you can meet 1 person not in your household for exercise but not stay in their home, the op might meet another date next week. Perhaps this is why we keep spreading covid and getting new variants!

Lovelydiscusfish · 03/03/2021 11:57

@FluffyHippo

If you feel upset by this situation, perhaps you should respect yourself more and not have sex with someone you barely know and who - by your own admission - was manipulating you into a situation which you now feel uncomfortable with.

If he genuinely liked and cared for you and wasn't just after a fuck, he would have been happy to wait - decent men and women are.

In what way does having consensual sex because you want to indicate a lack of respect for yourself?
ravenmum · 03/03/2021 12:45

@Wildswimming3

I dont have any advice for the op but surely this scenario is against lockdown rules? I know you can meet 1 person not in your household for exercise but not stay in their home, the op might meet another date next week. Perhaps this is why we keep spreading covid and getting new variants!
Can you not visit your partner in the UK? If you can, does it have to be the partner you were with in February 2020?

Here in Germany that's not the case.

Wildswimming3 · 03/03/2021 14:17

You can form a bubble but not keep changing your bubble week by week. Maybe I’m wrong!

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