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Relationships

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Original poster

Did he talk me into bed?

102 replies

CurlsLDN · 01/03/2021 10:58

Having been online dating for a while, I recently got chatting to a guy who has a great personality, has led an interesting life, and is just my type.

He asked me to meet him for a walk, we agreed a date a few days away, then he asked actually if I'd be free to meet him the next day as he was really keen to meet me - that was last weekend.

Over this past week we have met up 4 times, for long walks of 4hrs or so at a time. All was going really well, talking about anything and everything. He was very complimentary, commenting how impressed he is with my intelligence, my work, my looks etc. He also told me he is looking for a relationship and to find someone he could settle down with eventually.

He suggested that for the 5th date we go to his house for dinner, as we can't go to a restaurant. I agreed and ended up staying the night and DTD. It was a lovely night, and he encouraged me to stay the next day until the evening when I went home.

Since then I've sensed a change in tone and frequency of messages, he's not flirting or paying any compliments at all, no reflections on the time we spent together. I lightly suggested we meet up again in a week or so and he said 'lets talk about it nearer the time.'

I suspect all the intensity, talk and wanting to see me so frequently was all just to get me into bed, and he's not the guy I hoped he could turn out to be.

It's only been a week, I can move on and forget about it, but today I'm just a bit disappointed and sad and would love your views on this - whether I'm over reacting and jumping to conclusions, or if you suspect he was in it for sex only, or anything else. Id just like some outside perspective and the support/straightalking of you lot to help me settle my feelings.

OP posts:

Coronawireless · 01/03/2021 11:52

@UhtredRagnarson

Talk you into bed?

That implies you played no part in the decision to have sex. If you didn’t want to have sex, did you feel unable to refuse?

Totally missing the point. OP didn’t have a problem having sex. The problem is that she feels she was misled. She wanted a relationship and he seemed to be looking for the same thing. But it now seems that he may not have been truthful with her which, if that’s the case, is what she quite rightly resents.

UhtredRagnarson · 01/03/2021 11:56

OP didn’t have a problem having sex.
The problem is that she feels she was misled. She wanted a relationship and he seemed to be looking for the same thing. But it now seems that he may not have been truthful with her which, if that’s the case, is what she quite rightly resents.

So that suggests she was only having sex, not because she wanted to have sex in that moment, but as a way to form a commitment?

Coronawireless · 01/03/2021 11:57

Both is my guess.
But he just wanted sex.

UhtredRagnarson · 01/03/2021 11:57

I mean realistically no one can commit to a relationship with anyone they’ve known a week. It’s just not reasonable to expect that from someone so early on.

TDMN · 01/03/2021 11:58

Yeah im not sure why everyones jumping to the conclusion that he's a massive arsehole, maybe you had a good time together but on reflection he's decided you arent the person for him? He's immature for not being able to come out and be straight with you, but he's not an arsehole for having sex then changing his mind about if its got a future or not?
Im just thinking about this from the other side - if you had really liked a guy, then went and had lots of sex but then in the days afterwards you came to the conclusion that you didnt see a future, that would be fine so not sure why its not okay for this guy - feelings and attraction are funny things after all! You arent a horrible person for deciding you dont want to see someone any more - its this kind of attitude that guilts people into unhappy relationships. OP, its just a non-starter. This is just a paragraph in the chapter you write on the way to the man of your dreams. Have some wine and forget about him!

RantyAnty · 01/03/2021 12:00

Ignore the male bad behaviour apologists. Some on here make excuses for the most appalling behaviours from men.

If he didn't like the sex, he wouldn't have done it multiple times.

Men keep doing it as so many women "maintaining their dignity", there are zero consequences for them. Maintaining your dignity is just eating the shit sandwich. They don't give a crap about your dignity.

Nobody wants to be lied to and misled to get into bed.

He'd be furious if you lied to and misled him into giving you £1000 and then you got distant afterwards.

Taikoo · 01/03/2021 12:02

Is he really that desperate for sex that he'd say and do all that without meaning it? I don't think I'd ever be that desperate for sex!

Er - yes.
Some men will say and do almost anything to get laid.

UhtredRagnarson · 01/03/2021 12:02

Ignore the male bad behaviour apologists. Some on here make excuses for the most appalling behaviours from men.

😂😂😂

I Have been on MN for so many years under numerous names and if you could see my posting history you would see just how wrong you are.

UhtredRagnarson · 01/03/2021 12:04

If he didn't like the sex, he wouldn't have done it multiple times.

Rubbish. First time sex with a new partner can be crap out of just not being familiar with each other. Absolutely nothing wrong with trying again to see if you can improve things.

Also- we don’t know he didn’t like the sex.

GravityFalls · 01/03/2021 12:05

He'd be furious if you lied to and misled him into giving you £1000 and then you got distant afterwards.

Yes, but men don't care if women are "furious" with them. Ever noticed that? Especially if they think they're right. So what does it achieve?

JamieFrasersAuntie · 01/03/2021 12:06

I think I would messege him saying really enjoyed the date but there was no spark, all the best.

Coronawireless · 01/03/2021 12:06

He’s more than just immature though isn’t he? He was on an online dating site, not a one night stand site (of which there are many). He told her during their walk that he wanted a relationship and strongly implied he could see one happening with her. Then they had sex - poof! Job done.
It’s deliberate dishonesty and make a mockery of the walk and conversation and possible emotional opening-up she had done, trusting him. Sure, OP sounds as if she’ll move on quickly enough but it must have hurt and it is unpleasant behaviour. That’s if it was deliberate, which I suspect it was.

user1493413286 · 01/03/2021 12:12

This happened to me a few years ago; I don’t have an issue having casual sex when I go into knowing that’s what it is but this experience annoyed me as he gave me the impression that we were heading into a relationship. I would chalk it up to experience and don’t keep replying to him. After that experience I’d decide before sleeping with someone new whether I’d be bothered if it happened again or ok with that; sometimes it made me wait a bit longer and sometimes it didn’t but it made me feel a bit more in control.

UhtredRagnarson · 01/03/2021 12:13

All was going really well, talking about anything and everything. He was very complimentary, commenting how impressed he is with my intelligence, my work, my looks etc. He also told me he is looking for a relationship and to find someone he could settle down with eventually.

Ok I’ve read through the thread again and honestly this is as close as I can find to him suggesting he could see a future with the OP. Which it clearly isn’t saying. It’s saying he’s looking for a relationship and to settle down eventually. I’m sorry but there isn’t anything there that I think anyone can hold up as proof he has lied about his intentions with the OP.

ravenmum · 01/03/2021 12:16

Having sex with someone is not like giving them a thousand pounds. OP enjoyed it as much as he did (possibly more!) - he didn't take something away from her.

If he's pretended to want a relationship when really, all he wanted was sex, then he's a liar. No-one likes to be deceived.

But there's never any guarantee that you're going to end up in a relationship with someone you sleep with. When you decide you fancy jumping into bed with them, you're not entering into a transaction. It would be horrible if you were.

mxmxm · 01/03/2021 12:22

a lot of people are missing this point here: even if his opinion of OP and any potential relationship they could’ve had changed after that night, it’s still the mature and polite thing to actually tell the other person

yes, he didn’t (from what we know) say “i want a relationship with you”, but the intensity of their meetings and the way he treated her previously shows that he was interested in her beyond casual sex

so then to go distant and essentially blow her off afterwards without just telling her straight up he’s not interested - it’s extremely rude and immature. if you’re not into someone, tell them like an adult

UhtredRagnarson · 01/03/2021 12:24

I think sometimes people get ahead of themselves and have planned out a future before even working out if they even know this person. Because it’s exciting and it’s nice to think this lovely person will be in your life long term. So it’s understandable but it does us no favours in the real world of relationships. We need to go into the dating world being realistic and accepting that it won’t get very far with most people we meet, so just enjoy the dating experience whilst it’s happening without making some imaginary commitment in your head on behalf of either yourself or the other person. Dating is to find out if you like them enough to keep them around, and sometimes we find out we don’t want to- which is fine and doesn’t make anyone a bad person.

LunaHeather · 01/03/2021 12:25

You're an adult

You decided to sleep with him.

He hasn't sold you a dodgy car.

UhtredRagnarson · 01/03/2021 12:26

Totally agree with this. Ghosting is not on.

Chickychickydodah · 01/03/2021 12:34

I would text him and say thanks for the sex but I’ve had better!
Block delete and try again for prince charming 💐

dottiedodah · 01/03/2021 12:43

I think when you are chatting online then its easy to get carried away and hoping for a LT RL to happen. In reality this is not terribly likely.He probably enjoyed meeting up with you and getting to know you .Maybe hes a player maybe not .Might be wise next time to take a while ,and get to know him properly .If you had a nice time then just chalk it up to experience .

Original poster

CurlsLDN · 01/03/2021 12:49

Thanks all. To answer a few points

yes he did specifically say he could see himself having a relationship with me.
yep I chose to do what I did, I don't feel he took advantage of me in that sense at all and don't regret doing it. I'm an adult who made my own decision.
yep he's totally allowed to decide hes not that into me having spent more time with me.

As I've said upthread I am just disappointed because

I rather liked him so it's disappointing to realise this one's fizzling out so soon.
I do feel that he went from hot to cold incredibly quickly, to the extent that it makes his previous actions and words seem disingenuous. However whatever his reasons I would appreciate a polite no thankyou.

But as I say, you live and learn and I appreciate all your comments as it's brought me out of my own head about it. Of course some of your viewpoints are harder for me to swallow than others, but they all give me food for thought.

OP posts:

Lovelydiscusfish · 01/03/2021 13:01

I can see why you are disappointed as you clearly liked the fella, so this sucks. I think maybe next time, it would be better to approach dating with lower expectations and just enjoy your initial dates with someone for what they are, rather than assuming too quickly that it is going to go anywhere. By all means have sex as and when you feel ready to, but don’t assume that it is going to lead to a full blown relationship.

I slept with my one and only Tinder date on our second date, and I can remember afterwards texting a friend and saying, yes, he’s lovely and it was brilliant, but I’m not going to assume I’ll hear from him again. I was quite firm with myself that that would be my attitude - zero expectations. (As it happens I struck lucky and we are still together now, but from what I read and am told about OLD, I am a statistical oddity.)

Look after yourself OP. It’s a shitty thing to have happen when you thought you might have the possibility of a future with the guy.

ravenmum · 01/03/2021 13:53

You started talking a week ago, then slept with him on your 5th meeting, and were there the next day - so at most it can only be a day, at most two, since he last wrote to you?
From the extreme and sudden cooling-off it does sound like he's not keen to meet up again, but it seems a tiny bit early to call "ghost" just yet.

Chewingle · 01/03/2021 14:01

@ravenmum

You started talking a week ago, then slept with him on your 5th meeting, and were there the next day - so at most it can only be a day, at most two, since he last wrote to you? From the extreme and sudden cooling-off it does sound like he's not keen to meet up again, but it seems a tiny bit early to call "ghost" just yet.

Good point!

Op.... you only met him last weekend for the first time! Come on.

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