Did he talk me into bed?

[CurlsLDN]

Having been online dating for a while, I recently got chatting to a guy who has a great personality, has led an interesting life, and is just my type.

He asked me to meet him for a walk, we agreed a date a few days away, then he asked actually if I'd be free to meet him the next day as he was really keen to meet me - that was last weekend.

Over this past week we have met up 4 times, for long walks of 4hrs or so at a time. All was going really well, talking about anything and everything. He was very complimentary, commenting how impressed he is with my intelligence, my work, my looks etc. He also told me he is looking for a relationship and to find someone he could settle down with eventually.

He suggested that for the 5th date we go to his house for dinner, as we can't go to a restaurant. I agreed and ended up staying the night and DTD. It was a lovely night, and he encouraged me to stay the next day until the evening when I went home.

Since then I've sensed a change in tone and frequency of messages, he's not flirting or paying any compliments at all, no reflections on the time we spent together. I lightly suggested we meet up again in a week or so and he said 'lets talk about it nearer the time.'

I suspect all the intensity, talk and wanting to see me so frequently was all just to get me into bed, and he's not the guy I hoped he could turn out to be.

It's only been a week, I can move on and forget about it, but today I'm just a bit disappointed and sad and would love your views on this - whether I'm over reacting and jumping to conclusions, or if you suspect he was in it for sex only, or anything else. Id just like some outside perspective and the support/straightalking of you lot to help me settle my feelings.

OP, no one on here can read his mind, and speculation is all you'll get. He may have liked you and then found something you did when you stayed over off putting. Or maybe his ex got back in touch. Or maybe he did just want sex. Or maybe he's thought it through and realised he isn't that into you.

If you liked him, and want to carry on seeing him with a view to determining potential, just ask him if he feels the same, or has since changed his mind. That is the only way you'll know for sure, and will be able to get closure without always wondering.

I do agree that it doesn't look good he gave a tepid, non committal response to your suggestion of meeting up again. But I don't agree it makes him an arsehole to not explicitly tell you he doesn't want to see you for xyz reason. Many people think the slow fade is a kinder way to let someone down (when you're practically still a stranger), rather than be brutally honest. And would only give you a reason if you specifically asked them to.

Just talk to him and ask if you want to know. Otherwise, if he doesn't suggest meeting up, assume he's not interested and move on. Whatever you do, don't try and be friends, or stay in irregular contact if he isn't interesting in dating you.

As an example, I once went on 4 dates and DTD with guy I did quite like. And he was a lovely person, so I was very nice, and complimentary about him. At the time I was dating with a view to it becoming a relationship, and that's what I conveyed to him. Our dates were great because I genuinely wanted him to have an enjoyable time with me.But we weren't exclusive and I was still dating around (as I'm sure he was as well).

However, for some reason, I still wasn't totally sure we could make a relationship work. But realised after we DTD that his feelings had gotten stronger, and mine hadn't. And it made me nervous, as I didn't want to lead him on - as I genuinely liked him, and wasn't sure why I wasn't more enthusiastic. When I was with him, I had a great time, but when we were apart, I didn't miss him at all - which was a red flag to me. So I started pulling back a bit, and not setting up dates. It was also a weird convo to have with him to explain my thought process, given we'd only been on 4 dates in 3 weeks. It felt kinder to just slow fade him. As it turns out he got the hint, it started fizzling out, eventually he asked what was going on and I just told him I didn't see a future. He told me he'd guessed as much, we wished each other well, and that was that!

I then met my now bf, and immediately craved seeing him in a way I never had with the lovely other guy. Till date, I couldn't tell you why I felt the way I did. I hope he doesn't think I just used him for sex, because I did like him, the sex was fine, he was fine - he just wasn't the one for me.

You shouldn't have sex with people unless you want to. If you wanted to, then it doesn't matter what happened afterwards. If you didn't want to, that is a different question.

You need to be clearer about this in your own head. You weren't 'tricked' into having sex, based on what you say here.

If you were coerced, that's an entirely different issue.

If it was fully consensual, then you need to accept that you wanted to f**k him at that point in time, you did, and then events proceeded differently than what you would have ideally liked.

@BibbityBobbety

OP, no one on here can read his mind, and speculation is all you'll get. He may have liked you and then found something you did when you stayed over off putting. Or maybe his ex got back in touch. Or maybe he did just want sex. Or maybe he's thought it through and realised he isn't that into you.

If you liked him, and want to carry on seeing him with a view to determining potential, just ask him if he feels the same, or has since changed his mind. That is the only way you'll know for sure, and will be able to get closure without always wondering.

I do agree that it doesn't look good he gave a tepid, non committal response to your suggestion of meeting up again. But I don't agree it makes him an arsehole to not explicitly tell you he doesn't want to see you for xyz reason. Many people think the slow fade is a kinder way to let someone down (when you're practically still a stranger), rather than be brutally honest. And would only give you a reason if you specifically asked them to.

Just talk to him and ask if you want to know. Otherwise, if he doesn't suggest meeting up, assume he's not interested and move on. Whatever you do, don't try and be friends, or stay in irregular contact if he isn't interesting in dating you.

I think asking him what his thoughts are at this point is good advice, actually. Then you will (hopefully) have your answer and you can stop tormenting yourself with wondering about it. If, of course, you will not find it too upsetting if he gives some version of “I’m just not that into you....”

I think past and future posters need to grasp that the OP only met this man LAST WEEKEND FOR THE FIRST TIME

This happens SO often in dating and has to me numerous times. I am not sure what the answer is but I do think men get carried away too. I don't think many set out to deliberately mislead but the chase is so exciting and all the anticipation and lead up can mean that when the sex is over it is almost as if there is no where else to go. It is almost as if it has burnt out before it even begun. I've found that the more intense and quicker something develops the quicker it is over too. It just seems to be the way it goes, not really anyone's fault and certainly not yours.

What I don't get is that he could have had more sex with you op!? So why stop there? It's not like he can move on to the next person, is it? If it was about sex then surely he'd continue with you. Not not. Men! I don't get em.

@PornStarHotChocolate

What I don't get is that he could have had more sex with you op!? So why stop there? It's not like he can move on to the next person, is it? If it was about sex then surely he'd continue with you. Not not. Men! I don't get em.

Probably because it's about ego, not sex. Sex is just the proof that he has 'won' her affections.

I don't agree that he was just after sex. It's too soon to tell. Even really nice decent guys seem to move off a bit after sex (I am a woman and I do it too, just to kind of settle my mind and make sure I'm not heading into something I don't want? If that makes sense?).

I don't know how long it has been, obvious if he's ignoring you for days after sex he is a knob who was indeed just after sex. If we are talking a day or so, sure he will be in touch if he's into you.

@CurlsLDN, it is certainly OK to feel disappointed after a date. That's the nature of these things. Sometimes you'll like a person a bit more, sometimes not so much (and the same for the other party). And often you get a better sense of perspective after a few days, In short, I would read too much into it, it's part of the process meeting potential new partners.

Regarding "talking you into bed", it's a strange phrase, but I know what you mean. And based on that other posters say it does happen. But so what ... you had a nice time, some nice walks, a few orgasms (I assume!) ... so that all sounds good :)

Correct: In short, I would NOT read too much into it

I think the "come round & I'll cook you dinner" is the more mature term for "Netflix & chill"

Op won’t be back as we have identified first meeting was barely over a week ago!

Aaargh, I wrote a long post and it vaniished.

@CurlsLDN A lot of men will do anything to get a shag.

You shouldn't have sex with people unless you want to. If you wanted to, then it doesn't matter what happened afterwards.

@DropDTuning Yes, it does. A person is sometimes lied to and misled into thinking the other person is after a relationship with them. They had sex based on that lie. They only consented to the sex on the basis of the lies the other person told, so the sex they had was non-consensual as they didn't consent believing it was just a shag where the other person is concerned. If the user had never had any inntention of it potentially being a serious relationship in future, their viictim has been tricked, manipulated, and used.

I think it’s better next time to space dates over a few weeks. If he is after sex alone he’ll probably get bored waiting. He didn’t really have any wait this way and it probably was a thrill with the speed of dates and hoping for sex at the end. It didn’t give time for him to have to work in between dates at staying in contact and if he was putting on a show - for his facade to drop.
It’s always good to try and have a busy life ( covid aside) so that you’re not available at the drop of a hat so to speak.
I’m not saying it would have definitely avoided the situation. It just gives more time for you to figure him and his intentions out and for him to disappear if he’s just after sex

@PornStarHotChocolate

What I don't get is that he could have had more sex with you op!? So why stop there? It's not like he can move on to the next person, is it? If it was about sex then surely he'd continue with you. Not not. Men! I don't get em.

Any number of reasons. He felt it was moving too fast. He didn't want to be seen as using her. The sex was OK but nothing special. She was OK but nothing special. Too soon from previous relationship or maybe he had a conscience and he didn't want to hurt her. Not that it really matters. What matters, IMHO, is honesty and integrity and he was sadly lacking in both. That makes him a lesser man for being so.

What I don't get is that he could have had more sex with you op!? So why stop there?

@PornStarHotChocolate It may be because some people collect 'notches on the bedpost.' So, it's the conquest they want. After they've got that win and shagged someone then they move on to the next conquest.

Or some men have double standards. It's ok for them to want and have sex, but if the woman has sex they lose respect for her.

It's not like he can move on to the next person, is it?

Erm, yes he completely can. He shagged OP within a week, he could do the same soon with the next woman. There are plenty of people still dating despite COVID.

Next time a guy love bombs you that way, keep him waiting at least a year, if he can wait a year to have sex with you, he will be the one for you, if he drops you then you know he's a cad. Most genuine guys will like you for who you are and won't lovebomb

A year?! I'm sorry but I would lose interest in anyone after a year of not dtd. You need to know you are compatible in that department before wasting a year on someone.

I have experienced similar to you op and it does feel shit. I was pursued by a guy when I first started OLD and ignored him for a while as didn't think he was my type but after a few messages I messaged back and we ended up going on a date. It was a nice date and he was complimentary, etc so we had another date and when he took me home we dtd. I wanted to, I wasn't pressured at all but after that he stopped contacting me and I felt like crap. All that effort on his part to get what he wanted and then bugger off.

When I met my now bf, it was actually me who made it clear I was ready. It was our 4th date (date number 3 was all day) and I was staying at his as we were meeting some of his friends and he lives an hour from me and he offered to sleep on the sofa. I told him I didn't want him to and he didn't!

Keep you r head high and write him off. even if he does contact you now, I think your feelings might have soured a little and if he had enough respect he would have made more of an effort by now after having sex for the first time.

@Chewingle

Op won’t be back as we have identified first meeting was barely over a week ago!

You have mentioned this a few times - are you suggesting she was wrong to have sex with him in this timeframe, or that she shouldn’t be upset now as she has only known him a week?

Personally I think people can have sex as soon as they want if they are both happy to, and I think it definitely is valid for OP to be somewhat upset even tho she only knew him a week, as it sounds like it was quite intense and enjoyable and she had high hopes of it. Obviously if she is utterly heartbroken and feels her life is now ruined, that would be excessive. But she hasn’t been saying that.

Anyway I think she’s gone. I hope the thread didn’t upset her......

@SoulofanAggron DropDTuning Yes, it does. A person is sometimes lied to and misled into thinking the other person is after a relationship with them. They had sex based on that lie. They only consented to the sex on the basis of the lies the other person told, so the sex they had was non-consensual as they didn't consent believing it was just a shag where the other person is concerned. If the user had never had any inntention of it potentially being a serious relationship in future, their viictim has been tricked, manipulated, and used.

Calling someone a 'victim' who has been 'coerced' into 'non-consensual sex' because they consented to sex on the basis of the words of someone they'd known for a few days is not just horrendously wrong (and indeed slanderous), but it's insulting to just about everyone concerned.

You have mentioned this a few times - are you suggesting she was wrong to have sex with him in this timeframe, or that she shouldn’t be upset now as she has only known him a week?
I brought this up, as people were saying that he'd ghosted her, when based on the timeframe it looked like he must have last been in touch that day, or the day before. I don't think you can accuse him of not calling it off and disappearing without trace when he's only just sent you a message, even if it is a not-very-keen one.

They only consented to the sex on the basis of the lies the other person told
So it's a transaction? I "let" you have sex with me, but you have to be my boyfriend in return? Not "We both want to have sex and it might develop into a relationship"? Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but this transactional thing gives me the creeps.

It could also be that although he initially wanted a serious relationship, when they had sex very soon after meeting, he realised that OP wasnt what he wanted for a long term / serious relationship.

@BalancedIndividual

It could also be that although he initially wanted a serious relationship, when they had sex very soon after meeting, he realised that OP wasnt what he wanted for a long term / serious relationship.

If that's his argument, that men can want sex, but women who do are worth less, then OP is well rid.

He likes the chase. The man you spent time with doesn't exist, and if you spent any more time you'd realise, hence the ghosting. I think it was love bombing extreme.

You haven't missed out on a relationship with this man because he doesn't exist. He's probably the polar opposite. It's just a game to him.

Sorry Not nice to be on the receiving end.