AIBU to not want to put sexy underwear on?

[Couch2Potato]

OT keeps asking for me to dress up in sexy underwear but I keep dismissing or saying no..

I've asked whether I'm not enough for him and them he's accused me of putting words in his mouth.

Should I just buy some and put it on..

Why not? But make it underwear in which you actually feel sexy, rather than some cliche.

I think you have put words in his mouth a bit. Sexy underwear isn’t unusual or a permanent change or whatever, it’s just underwear! You will probably end up wearing it for an evening max.

Why don’t you want to wear it?

Ask him to put sexy underwear on and say you’ll do the same!

YANBU.

Don’t do anything you don’t like or want to.
Don’t let him bully or shame you into anything.

Ask him to wear some sexy underwear for you.

I have sexy matching sets in all colours but in my opinion they must be comfy and practical to wear under clothes. If they are comfy then you probably won't even realise you have them on. I don't wear them all the time sometimes I just want to wear my granny pants and comfy bra

@ClaudiaWankleman

I think you have put words in his mouth a bit. Sexy underwear isn’t unusual or a permanent change or whatever, it’s just underwear! You will probably end up wearing it for an evening max.

Why don’t you want to wear it?

I don't know.. I just feel like he doesn't like me the way I am? Maybe I should just buy it then. Thanks 😊

We've had relationship problems for a while and he doesn't show any sort of compassion out of the bedroom. So I guess in the back of my mind, I don't want to give anything back either?

Well if you don’t want to give anything back, what’s the point in being together?

Couch2potato I'm with you here.

I'm sorry but if you don't want to, don't.

My ex was like that. First, he started pressuring me into sex when I didn't want it. Then he pressured me into dressing up... and it made me feel like shit. Like I wasn't enough...

It felt horrible.

I think you need to sort out the lack of compassion. Talk it out. Explain that it really shuts your vagina down... thats such a crass phrase but that is literally how it felt for me every time my ex used to pressure me for sex. 🙈

@Dayafterday

Well if you don’t want to give anything back, what’s the point in being together?

This is true. I think I haven't given much context here hahaha, but the only time he's interested in me is for sex. He doesn't really talk to me or ask how I am etc and I try really hard to make convo and make him happy - that's what I meant.

It's just dressing up and a bit of sex play & fun.
However if you are not comfortable with it then don't, but it really doesn't mean he wants to change you or you are not enough as you are.

Sorry, just read your updates which does change things

So you have no nice knickers that make you feel sexy?

You should get on that for YOU !

If you don’t get any affection & don’t want to give anything back then you have problems bigger than undies.

@PlinkPlink

Couch2potato I'm with you here.

I'm sorry but if you don't want to, don't.

My ex was like that. First, he started pressuring me into sex when I didn't want it. Then he pressured me into dressing up... and it made me feel like shit. Like I wasn't enough...

It felt horrible.

I think you need to sort out the lack of compassion. Talk it out. Explain that it really shuts your vagina down... thats such a crass phrase but that is literally how it felt for me every time my ex used to pressure me for sex. 🙈

So glad you've said this, I was starting to think I was... weird or frigid 😂

I've lost interest in sex and he ends up begging! But it feels like he's not interested in me as a person, I just shut down when he wants me in a sexual way.

I suppose it depends what he means by 'sexy undrwear'.

Silk and French lace? Or cheap, bright red crotchless nylon!

If he doesn’t show any interest in you apart from when he wants sex then you should dump him

I feel really uncomfortable mentally and physically when my oh asks me to wear sexy undies.
I won’t look like the girls on the website it in. I’ll look lumpy and bulgy.
It’s difficult to feel sexy when you are wearing something scratchy, constricting or pushing up.
Also, where is the sexy undies for men? Why don’t they have to do this? No, a nice pair of comfy boxers/ briefs isn’t the same as a basque and stockings.
Also my oh whinges for it and says it’s not unusual to want this- like he’s entitled to have sex with someone wearing lingerie. Turns me off.

@gutful

So you have no nice knickers that make you feel sexy?

You should get on that for YOU !

If you don’t get any affection & don’t want to give anything back then you have problems bigger than undies.

Oh yes, I have nice underwear sets. But he means the ones with lots of holes in and suspenders etc haha

Ah x posted with lots!

Have you talked to him about how you feel?
Have you planned anything interesting to do together?
Do you want to be together?

The underwear is a bit irrelevant; I don’t think a thong is the answer to relationships at risk of breaking down.

Underwear with holes in it?

Do you mean like shudder crotchless panties?

Your marriage is in trouble. You sound disconnected & as though you don’t even like each other.

Sex is a chore for you.... you feel unseen & unappreciated.

What Do you actually enjoy about being married?

Also you made it sound like your wife wearing Bridget jones flesh coloured pants

It sounds like you do have nice undies & bras

I too would resent feeling like I have to put on a performance for sex I didn’t want with someone who didn’t even act like they liked me outside of the bedroom.

Man here, no you should not dress in anything that you don't want to wear. And this should not be a big issue between you, the level of his attraction to you should not depend on the clothes you are wearing.

Ask him to wear underwear with holes in, it does exist. Tell him what clothes you want him to wear and wait for his response. He absolutely cannot expect you to wear X Y and Z if he isn't prepared to do The same. Why should women wear impractical, uncomfortable clothing? It's just so accepted , why don't men wear frilly, scratchy underwear that rides up your arse crack?

It does sound like your relationship isn't working at the moment...

Has he always been like that?

Ime, until you feel happy and valued and loved in other aspects of your relationship, sex will not be very appealing.

Get rid, if he has no compassion or empathy it’ll only get worse. You are worth more than that.

It sounds like there's a tug of war over your body. It's not healthy and eventually he will condition you in to thinking you only deserve love/compassion by being sexual with him. If you 'give in', he'll try pushing you further and further. He won't change into being a loving/caring person because you sleep with him, the fact that you sleep with him will just be proof in his eyes that everything is fine.