AIBU to not want to put sexy underwear on?

[Couch2Potato]

OT keeps asking for me to dress up in sexy underwear but I keep dismissing or saying no..

I've asked whether I'm not enough for him and them he's accused me of putting words in his mouth.

Should I just buy some and put it on..

Good luck OP. You have had some good advice here and I hope you come to a decision about the relationship.

As as aside I have always been baffled by "dressing up for sex". My husband likes to see me naked! Maybe when a couple is first dating there is a certain frisson about unwrapping the layers to see what's underneath. Clothing, then underwear, then nakedness. But to try and enforce that first time feeling by putting underwear on rather than taking it off seems a bit odd and fetishistic, as if the underwear is more stimulating than the nakedness of the partner.

But I've been called a prude in these sort of threads before. (I'm not, I'm just a rather matter of fact person. I love sex.) So what do I know?

Thank you all for your words of advice, I love this forum, it really does help

The bottom line is he feels entitled to pressure you to dress up to turn him on, but has no interest in doing anything to turn you on like, oh I dunno, being nice to you

He thinks you are a sex doll, purely an object to stick his dick into. He doesn't care about you or your feelings.

What's he going to wear to make you happy? Sorry but his expectations are taking the piss

Thank you OP for some details of the context of the request and in answer to your original question, to quote an MN phrase 'No is a complete sentence'.

But it feels like he's not interested in me as a person, I just shut down when he wants me in a sexual way.

You need to discuss this with him if you want things to improve. Communicate in a non accusatory manner what you need from him.

@Couch2Potato

Thank you all for your words of advice, I love this forum, it really does help

OP what many have said is spot on there’s absolutely nothing wrong with anyone wearing sexy underwear IF that’s what they want to do ! The issue here is that he is pressuring you to do something you don’t want to do and this is a big red flag .

Sounds like a classic case of the old saying "women need love in order to have sex and men need sex in order to feel loved". Humor him, do it once and see if things change outside of the bedroom. I think this kind of catch 22 is common in LTR's. From what you've said, I think you both need to sit and have a chat as to how you can work on things.

@Polaris92

Men do not need women to wear knickers with holes in them to feel loved. FFS

Why doesn't he humour her by treating her with some respect first?

If the guy already only shows interest in op sexually, then "humouring him" once will do precisely bugger all to change their life outside the bedroom.

We've had relationship problems for a while and he doesn't show any sort of compassion out of the bedroom. So I guess in the back of my mind, I don't want to give anything back either?
There isyour answer!
I wouldn't want to dress up if i was being treated like that.
Its different if there's lots of fun and affection going on.

I wear big knickers and big bras - comfort first for me 😂 DH would get short shrift demanding sexy lingerie etc. Sounds like there's more going on with your marriage op than just the lingerie issue.

Above all, relationships, special friendships and one night stands (l’ve done them all!) require mutual respect and this is not happening here. It goes way beyond so called sexy underwear.

I’m a bi female. I try to wear pretty and stylish underwear, matching sets, or at least things that go together, on a day to day basis. I don’t do supermarket multi packs.

But this is for me to feel good at the start of each day. In the bedroom l like to be free! It’s fine to be seen in a state of partial undress, but l couldn't dress up specifically for it.

Neither could l wear things with holes strategically placed. Stylish underwear is sexy, without it being in your face.

OP, dont listen to all of the negative "dump him" comments. I honestly dont understand how people on mumsnet ever have a relationship with the levels of perfection that is often demanded from a partner (combined with apparently leaving being the best option over communication and reolution).

Read up about love languages, work out what your own is and what your partners is. It might be that he feels he is showing you love but that it isnt the way that you feel loved. You need to sit down and talk WITH HIM about these issues and work out what is going on. He clearly needs to be doing more for you in terms of intimacy outside of the bedroom, but if you havent sat and talked to him about it then how will he know?

“and I try really hard to make convo and make him happy - that's what I meant.”

Not RTFT but why oh why are you trying hard to make him happy? What about your own happiness? In a healthy relationship, the contentment arises naturally as a result of being compatible. Yes, there will be some compromise but this sounds like it’s all going one way. Unless I’ve missed it, from your posts, it’s not at all clear why you are fighting to remain in this relationship and ignoring all the ways in which it doesn’t work for you.

Polaris92, Don't you think it's rather patronising to assume she hasn't spoken to him about it? Seriously, do you really think op's going to be going "oh my god, speak to him about it, I'd have never thought of that?!"

I think most posters here would be coming from a perspective that women would choose to engage with their partners about difficulties in the relationship first, rather than straight to the internet. It's usually after a lot of fruitless talking people are driven to asking on forums.

OP, dont listen to all of the negative "dump him" comments. I honestly dont understand how people on mumsnet ever have a relationship with the levels of perfection that is often demanded from a partner

No but they have dated these types of men where sex is their priority and not a full adult relationship. They have felt the way OP has felt and want to solve the problem and probably spent years trying to be what they believe is the right thing to do.

OP is just saying NO and he’s sulking

If you’ve been there you know it’s pointless and he won’t change. Hence the leave vote.

Category12- you would be surprised. Lots of people dont end up being direct with their partners. They hint and do subtle things that go unnoticed which only adds to the problem. Lots of people in relationships dont end up directly communicating what they are actually feeling. It's understandable because those sorts of conversations can be a bit heavy, but often need to be had.

Bluebellsgreenbells, but you dont know the full story, you dont know him. Everyone is different, peoples get stuck in ruts and can change. Just because yours didnt, doesnt mean others cant.

Read up about love languages, work out what your own is and what your partners is. It might be that he feels he is showing you love but that it isnt the way that you feel loved. You need to sit down and talk WITH HIM about these issues and work out what is going on. He clearly needs to be doing more for you in terms of intimacy outside of the bedroom, but if you havent sat and talked to him about it then how will he know?

This is actually surprisingly good advice considering I'm fairly sure this poster hasn't read any of the books about love language or she'd not be telling you to get your kit off and humour your partner. The author is very explicit about physical affection as a love language is not just being about sex.

Some people are more physical than others. I'm very tactile, I love sex too but it has nothing to do with a partner wearing holey pants though. For fucks sake. That's nothing to do with showing love.

@PetesBigSausagePizza
Have read the first of his books. I would argue that putting on lingerie could come under gift giving vs physical affection in this instance.

To be fair though, I meant that more in terms of their wider relationship issues

someone said to me once... foreplay starts outside the bedroom :) the way he is treating you is no way you feeling the way you do! speak to him and explain how you feel. Good luck

@Couch2Potato

OT keeps asking for me to dress up in sexy underwear but I keep dismissing or saying no..

I've asked whether I'm not enough for him and them he's accused me of putting words in his mouth.

Should I just buy some and put it on..

He’s accused you of putting words in his mouth er no you fucking didn’t

Ask him again am I not good enough and no means no

foreplay starts outside the bedroom

I like that.