AIBU to not want to put sexy underwear on?

[Couch2Potato]

OT keeps asking for me to dress up in sexy underwear but I keep dismissing or saying no..

I've asked whether I'm not enough for him and them he's accused me of putting words in his mouth.

Should I just buy some and put it on..

Blimey. To be honest, he sounds like a bit of a dickhead. I'm all in favour of getting past a prejudice against nice pants, but if he doesn't treat you well and the way he behaves upsets you and turns you off, it's hard to imagine that having sex with him is a good thing.

It is possible to be a decent human and have a bit of a patch where you behave like a knob, so you could decide that it's worth talking and allowing him a bit of space to sort himself out - I guess the sex talk could be translated as a wish to reconnect - but if he carries on behaving like a wanker outside the bedroom there no real way to sort things out in the bedroom.

Good luck, OP. The kind of conversations you need to have aren't easy, especially with the potential for the kind of decisions that need to be made in the aftermath. Bottom line is, you should want to have sex with your partner because they treat you well and make you feel good about yourself and the relationship.

The underwear isn't the problem, the problem is that he's not meeting your emotional needs and doesn't want to. If you're not happy in the relationship, then get rid.

If you had a guy that made you feel good and loved and sexy, you might want to dress up in raunchy underwear if he was into that. But why would you, with this bloke?

No, you're not a fucktoy to be dressed as he wants. Only wear what you want to wear and do what you want to do. His nagging you is manipulative.

So you have no nice knickers that make you feel sexy? You should get on that for YOU !

@gutful I know this is a tangent and OP has replied that she does have some, but having sex pants is not a should. If people want them they can get them, if not, don't.

I'm all in favour of getting past a prejudice against nice pants

@ElizabethinherGermanGarden Women don't have to 'get past' anything.

@SoulofanAggron
'Women don't have to get past anything.'
Thanks for telling me.

Is it so bad that your guy wants you to dress up? Do you want to feel sexy? Men are far more visual than women. Play him at his own game and he will be putty in your hands. Couples that play together stay together.

Why not? But make it underwear in which you actually feel sexy, rather than some cliche.

Why not? because she doesn't want to? If she did, she'd do it.

I think you have put words in his mouth a bit. Sexy underwear isn’t unusual or a permanent change or whatever, it’s just underwear! You will probably end up wearing it for an evening max.

But maybe sex should be enjoyable for the woman too and if something isn't nice for her, she could just not do it.

Op buy him something he will feel a twat in and then watch him try and keep it up. You're not decorative.

Do you want to feel sexy? Men are far more visual than women.

Do you need crotchless pants to feel sexy @GentlemanJay?

Also you know that "men are more visual" bullshit has been disproven. Certainly when it comes to seeing dirt...

And even if it were true, that doesn't mean women have to perform for men.

There is nothing wrong with dressing up if you enjoy it, but the second it becomes coerced it's the same as any other sexual request. I don't know why people have this weird hang up that women need to perform soem fake ass idea of sexuality. No one expects men to do it.

I cannot believe some of the responses - have some self respect. Women are not dolls to be dressed up to please.

Tell him in no uncertain terms to stop pressuring you, that's such a turn off.

Try doing it on your terms maybe, surprise him when you feel in the mood. Taking control of the situation, rather than have him bully and pester you can make all the difference.

Might be three principles here:

1. No one should be coercing, bargaining with someone to do something they don't want to do. I suspect this is where OP is.
2. As @anothernick says wearing something should not be the deciding factor in being attracted or close to each other
3. Once we get past points 1 and 2, then there's no reason my mutual play, including wearing things for each other, shouldn't be part of life as a couple

I think without pt. 3 there's a question of why would you be together if you don't indulge each other in that way?

The real issue isn’t underwear at all - the issue is that the op’s partner only shows interest in her for sex. She feels that’s all he wants her for so she feels very resentful at being asked to wear sexy undies. If he was a kind, thoughtful loving partner who talked to her as if he cared about her, it wouldn’t be an issue I’m sure. It if my partner treated me as no more than an another domestic appliance to service his needs - frankly I’d leave/dump him/get rid. She says she tries to make his life better but gets nothing in return. Trouble is, if he does start trying to make proper efforts then it would feel like he’s just doing it because xyz not because he really cares, because if you care about someone you don’t treat them with disdain, and being nice shouldn’t be an effort or something you have to actually ask for.

Why are you with him?

Where did the crotchless pants come from? Did he actually ask you to wear them? Or is that the stereotype used by other posters on here?

When I've been on shopping trips with female friends in the past, we've enjoyed picking lingerie out together. We've made an afternoon of it. Had some food and ramble around the shops.

They've picked out what they feel comfortable wearing. What suits them but with input from me. That's what couples do in good relationships. They work together and try and enjoy each other's company.

To me it seems this relationship has hit a barrier with resentment on either side.

The OP said pants with holes in them. If you'd bothered to read her posts instead of just telling her to get her kit off like your "female friends" you'd have seen that. BTW there will 100% be other women at those shops sighing that they can't buy their pants without some weird bloke there. Can you use Lovehoney like a normal guy or is making women uncomfortable half the fun?

What suits them but with input from me. That's what couples do in good relationships. They work together

On the finances. On parenting. Not with what knickers she can wear. You great big flapping red flag.

If you don’t want to then don’t. At the end of the day let’s be honest, it’s not for you is it? It’s for him. And lots of sexy underwear is just bloody uncomfortable

So what’s he going to do for you?

Probably nothing as he sounds selfish.

@ThatDonkeySaidLeaveIt

The OP said pants with holes in them. If you'd bothered to read her posts instead of just telling her to get her kit off like your "female friends" you'd have seen that. BTW there will 100% be other women at those shops sighing that they can't buy their pants without some weird bloke there. Can you use Lovehoney like a normal guy or is making women uncomfortable half the fun?

Agree. I hate going lingerie shopping when there is some couple there clearly using it as foreplay. The man usually looks quite sweaty and over eager, like a dog when you get the lead out to go for a walk. Really off-putting.

OP Previous posters are right. Your husband isn't meeting your emotional needs, just treating you like a sex robot he can fire up whenever he has the urge and ignore the rest of the time. You're a human being and you need human connection. Plus, who'd want to have sex with a man who begs for sex? There is nothing more guaranteed to turn a woman off.

Couples that play together stay together

There’s more to a relationship than a quick fumble for his pleasure!

I think staying together is the worst thing of you arnt happy.

I agree with those who say that he is lacking in the emotional needs department. He is thinking I’d what he wants, not what the OP wants.

They need to talk. An if it doesn’t resolve the issue of the OP feeling like a domestic appliance instead of a respected and loved partner, then it may be time to split up.

@GentlemanJay

Where did the crotchless pants come from? Did he actually ask you to wear them? Or is that the stereotype used by other posters on here?

When I've been on shopping trips with female friends in the past, we've enjoyed picking lingerie out together. We've made an afternoon of it. Had some food and ramble around the shops.

They've picked out what they feel comfortable wearing. What suits them but with input from me. That's what couples do in good relationships. They work together and try and enjoy each other's company.

To me it seems this relationship has hit a barrier with resentment on either side.

This is just what couples in good relationships do is it ? They go out and shop for outfits for the woman to dress up in and please the man . When are men expected to dress up skimpy outfits that reveal their bodies or may make them feel uncomfortable for the woman’s pleasure . Or is that not something happy couples do ? You do realise do you not? that although your female friends ‘ may feel ok doing this, many women do not . This does not make the women who do not somehow defective or not good sports participating in ‘ what good couples do Many women feel intense scrutiny over their bodies from the media , society porn and men , or just simply because they are self consciouyour blasé attitude of ‘ oh that’s just what is normal shows a complete disregard for many women’s feelings

This is true. I think I haven't given much context here hahaha, but the only time he's interested in me is for sex. He doesn't really talk to me or ask how I am etc and I try really hard to make convo and make him happy - that's what I meant.

Why on earth are you staying in such an unhappy relationship? It's incredibly unhealthy and chipping away at your self esteem.

Can you see this isn't a healthy relationship for you to be in?

Nothing wrong with secy underwear unless you don't want it, but his attitude to you outside of the bedroom would make me not want to be with him or sleep with him.

I've lost interest in sex and he ends up begging! But it feels like he's not interested in me as a person, I just shut down when he wants me in a sexual way.

The underwear is such a side issue compared to this. It's not easy but this is the point that needs to be resolved. I recognise that feeling that he really only wants a sex toy.

Sort out the relationship one way of another. Good luck.