Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

To ditch this new OLD guy

125 replies

littleloopylou · 25/02/2021 23:43

I found him interesting, unlike the vast majority of men online/men.

We've been chatting a fair amount and I've been enjoying it. All just interesting and fun chat, nothing dirty or gross.

Tonight I said "have I told you about (some thing)? I think I have?"

I often worry about repeating boring things to various people. This was something very benign that I had sent to a couple of friends.

He quipped (??) "No, that's the other guy"

My instantaneous response is "fuck you then!" (Not what I said! But def what I thought!)

Unfair to write him off?

OP posts:

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 26/02/2021 10:11

@littleloopylou

Oops (b) he has a right to be possessive

As I said, I can see that I might be harmless. This is why I started the thread - for a sense check

Of course there is a chance that you could be correct with this interpretation but if you are early days and chatting through text only i guess it would be difficult to tell unless it was constant and less lighthearted. I have no direct experience of OLD (actually for the first part of this post i thought you were talking about an older man 😆) but it is my understanding that everyone would assume you're chatting to a few people to get to know them until you get to a more 'serious' point.

I wish you luck anyway

Therealjudgejudy · 26/02/2021 10:12

You dont sound ready to be OLD. You need to sort out your issues first and not protect them onto people you are just chatting to

AnnaSW1 · 26/02/2021 10:17

Wow he was just joining. You don't sound ready for a relationship

Onjnmoeiejducwoapy · 26/02/2021 10:18

Sorry OP, it’s just literally the most big standard banter. I don’t think it’s fair on him for you to be getting him to apologise for speaking to you as he would any other woman on a dating site. Online dating is not a good place to be if you have the expectation of being treated as massively sensitive and not someone that can be chatted to.

Original poster

littleloopylou · 26/02/2021 10:56

I didn't make him apologise! I certainly didn't demand this. I just told him I thought it was rude. Now I've moved on.

OP posts:

Moooooooooooooooooo · 26/02/2021 11:00

Jesus, you are hard work and you have no sense of humour.

I have read the full thread and I understand your caution but, without ‘getting’ his humour you will always be irritated by his ‘jokes’.

Be kind, let him go and it’s not him, it really is you.

GreenlandTheMovie · 26/02/2021 11:02

@Moooooooooooooooooo

Jesus, you are hard work and you have no sense of humour.

I have read the full thread and I understand your caution but, without ‘getting’ his humour you will always be irritated by his ‘jokes’.

Be kind, let him go and it’s not him, it really is you.

Well, I don't "banter" either, I have conversations. So no wonder I couldn't get on with OLD. It is mostly dross.

But whats with all this "let him go" stuff? Since when did any man on OLD have to be "let go" in order to talk to other women on OLD? It's not as if they're engaged or something!

DinosaurDigestive · 26/02/2021 11:03

I can see where you're coming from particularly with your previous history and having read up on things and from doing the Freedom Programme.

Without knowing the conversation etc I would say a random jokey remark.

However, I do know that some abusive men do tend to come up with this in at attempt to put someone down and be their usual lovely, charming self. I have had that said to me by an abusive person many, many times so I do get where you're coming from.

As I've said, by itself it seems harmless enough. You will know all the red flags by now but it would be worth talking this over with your therapist.

I'm also slightly concerned that your therapist thinks that online dating is positive for you to be doing as the therapist should know, as everyone does and should, that an awful lot of abusers use old to find their next victim/target.

You are still vulnerable so please be careful but well done on mentioning it to him but honestly watch out and keep guard up as it is very common to end up in another abusive relationship after leaving one.

I'm not in any way claiming this man is just in case someone thinks that!!

BehindMyEyes · 26/02/2021 11:05

This is an off the cuff remark and one that is often used by men and women to try to check to see if they/he/she is the only person you are seeing . It comes from a jokey place of uncertainty .

SleepingStandingUp · 26/02/2021 12:01

@Moooooooooooooooooo

Jesus, you are hard work and you have no sense of humour.

I have read the full thread and I understand your caution but, without ‘getting’ his humour you will always be irritated by his ‘jokes’.

Be kind, let him go and it’s not him, it really is you.

Let him go?? Have you misunderstand OLD for "I'm holding a guy captive in my basement whilst I decide if he's bf material"

He, being a grown up, is perfectly able to think "she's hard work, I'm out" or "she didn't think it was funny, I'll not do it again" or "she has boundaries and I'm glad she communicated them" or "does this mean I'm less likely to get sex on the first date". If he isn't capable of making his own choices, he shouldn't be on OLDM

Original poster

littleloopylou · 26/02/2021 12:45

Thanks everyone for your further comments.

I will go unshackle his chains. If he flees, I will let him go. If he asks to stay in my basement, I will know he's a keeper

OP posts:

youvegottenminuteslynn · 26/02/2021 12:49

That remark, while seeming innocuous, would indicate to me that he thinks seeing multiple people on OLD is fine, and he's trying to "train" your boundaries to accept that.

Eh? Most people do think that talking to more than one person on dating apps is ok, because the idea of talking to them is to decide who you like enough to see in person then decide who you like enough that you want to pursue a relationship with them.

I think that's how most people see online dating now, so it's not fair to say he's 'training' her or pushing boundaries if he presumes she isn't only talking to him. It would be more concerning if he did presume she was only talking to him tbh.

OP herself says the reason she isn't really talking to anyone else at the moment is she hasn't got the energy, not that she's super into him or believes you should only speak to one stranger you meet on an app at a time.

Bluntness100 · 26/02/2021 12:55

God some people really over think a throw away flippant comment. And attribute thoughts behind it. All this mad oh he’s insecure, oh he’s uncertain, oh he’s checking your boundaries..

Eh he likely just made a flippant comment. As no one here knows him nothing further can be taken from it than that.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 26/02/2021 13:14

I think you are being hyper-vigillant, which is consistent with your history. I would let this one slide, but be aware for other things that might be a problem.

Thelnebriati · 26/02/2021 13:14

He quipped (??) "No, that's the other guy"

That sounds like a subtle form of negging. I think you were supposed to reassure him that you are really a nice person and would never cheat on him.

Wigglefish123 · 26/02/2021 13:33

@littleloopylou

Thanks everyone for your further comments.

I will go unshackle his chains. If he flees, I will let him go. If he asks to stay in my basement, I will know he's a keeper

And we were thinking you didn't have a sense of humour🙄

Original poster

littleloopylou · 26/02/2021 13:36

@Wigglefish123 my sad effort at humour is at least as good as the OLD guy's joke

OP posts:

EarthSight · 26/02/2021 13:40

@Thelnebriati

He quipped (??) "No, that's the other guy"

That sounds like a subtle form of negging. I think you were supposed to reassure him that you are really a nice person and would never cheat on him.

I'm not sure if it was classic negging, but yes, the fact that she might have been dating other men might have been on his mind, but instead of being brave and asking her about their mutual expectations outright, he might have thought this was a subtle way of getting her to go 'Oh no - I'm just dating you right now'!

The only thing you can do is just see if a pattern emerges, or if it was just a one off thing, and take it from there.

SleepingStandingUp · 26/02/2021 13:46

@Thelnebriati

He quipped (??) "No, that's the other guy"

That sounds like a subtle form of negging. I think you were supposed to reassure him that you are really a nice person and would never cheat on him.

Is DH negging me when he asks if I'm off out to see Steve my secret bit on the side when I pop to the shops or I tell him his gf would have tidied up but I'm too busy with all his many many kids?

Wigglefish123 · 26/02/2021 13:48

[quote littleloopylou]@Wigglefish123 my sad effort at humour is at least as good as the OLD guy's joke [/quote]
Yes it was - but that's the point. Don't get hung up on it...... there is a big difference between a one off joke that someone else doesn't find particularly funny and a pattern of behaviour that undermines someone.

Try and relax a bit even if because of your past you find that difficult as we can all say things that other people don't get.....good luck

hereyehearye · 26/02/2021 13:50

My guess is that you've been used to disregarding your own feelings in your abusive relationships.

I don't think you should disregard your own feelings but just understand that you may not be compatible. You may be oversensitive and that's OKAY.

People don't need to be bad for them not to be right for you.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 26/02/2021 14:00

@littleloopylou perhaps it's worth discussing hyper-vigillance with your therapist. It's a real thing, not something I made up.

YouShouldLeave · 26/02/2021 15:18

I’m with OP, i don’t see the humour in it either.
Not funny at all.

judgingcat · 26/02/2021 15:20

Bin him you're obviously not compatible. He needs someone with a sense of humour. I know you've been in a bad relationship, but to immediately jump to that from a simple joke... is very worrying for whoever gets in a relationship with you next. You need to work on yourself.

NotAgainNoMore · 26/02/2021 18:41

@@Wigglefish123 - The thing is, he could have issues himself, feel insecure. So by sending that response, he was only half joking, if that makes sense.
Messages are awful at the beginning of a relationship as you can't see the facial expression behind the words or the intonation. Heavy use of emoji's helps though. It takes time to get to know someone's messaging style and for me personally, I always liked to move onto a 'meeting' fairly soon to get a better idea of the person. No over investing on messages alone.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5