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Original poster

To ditch this new OLD guy

125 replies

littleloopylou · 25/02/2021 23:43

I found him interesting, unlike the vast majority of men online/men.

We've been chatting a fair amount and I've been enjoying it. All just interesting and fun chat, nothing dirty or gross.

Tonight I said "have I told you about (some thing)? I think I have?"

I often worry about repeating boring things to various people. This was something very benign that I had sent to a couple of friends.

He quipped (??) "No, that's the other guy"

My instantaneous response is "fuck you then!" (Not what I said! But def what I thought!)

Unfair to write him off?

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 26/02/2021 00:14

Well I'd just let it go then. He did something that upset you, might be irrationally, but that's where you're at right now. You told him. That's important. He said sorry. That's important. Now you move on and if you want to tell him you've realised you were a bit prickly over his joke and you're sorry that's ok too. But that's all. Done ove analyse or throw yourself or him on the pyre.

Sapho47 · 26/02/2021 00:15

@VinylDetective

Please write him off, he deserves someone with a sense of humour.
This.
Sapho47 · 26/02/2021 00:15

[quote littleloopylou]@SleepingStandingUp

"I'm sorry. Seriously, a bad effort to be funny."[/quote]
Tell him the Internet says it wasn't a bad effort

SleepingStandingUp · 26/02/2021 00:16

Please write him off, he deserves someone with a sense of humour.

Quite unnecessary. Op is coming out of an abusive relationship and learning flags and boundaries. He's a grown man, if he can't handle that he can walk. He doesn't need setting free.

ThunderBuddie · 26/02/2021 00:21

Hubs and me have been together 12 years and we joke about other boyfriend/girlfriend. Lighten up.

endlesswicker · 26/02/2021 00:35

[quote littleloopylou]@VinylDetective I've come out of an abusive relationship and I'm on my guard. Hence the question. I'm asking whether people think this could actually be funny. It just seems a bit rude though? Like can't we just pretend that this is an interaction between two people without bringing weird unfounded jealousy into and trying to throw someone off balance?[/quote]
Yes it actually was funny.
No it wasn't rude.
No it wasn't bringing unfounded jealousy into it, or trying to throw you off balance.

It was a lighthearted joke.

steff13 · 26/02/2021 01:00

I giggled. My parents used to joke like that eons ago when I was little.

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 26/02/2021 01:11

If you’ve been in an abusive relationship then it’s not surprising that this has caught you off guard. When you’re used to second guessing everything and having to try not to offend, while simultaneously putting up with being offended at every turn, it will mess up your sense of what’s ok and what’s not.

It’s good that you’re vigilant but as others have said, maybe take a bit of time while you’re divorcing to get your confidence back up again and by then you’ll be able to meet in person with prospective dates - it’s a lot easier to misjudge tone by text so maybe when you feel ready to give it a go, try to meet up for a coffee sooner than later with anyone you click with so that you can suss them out in person quickly.

Shrivelled · 26/02/2021 01:20

Have you even met this person?

ArmchairTraveller · 26/02/2021 01:54

I think you need time with friends and alone before you start looking for another relationship.
What he said was a perfectly reasonable joke, but perhaps you need to practise light-hearted interactions with friends so that you can reset your understanding and your social parameters. So you don’t see weird jealousy where there is none.
Why are you looking for a man online, rather than learning how to be yourself after surviving an abusive marriage?

StillCoughingandLaughing · 26/02/2021 01:58

@SleepingStandingUp

Please write him off, he deserves someone with a sense of humour.

Quite unnecessary. Op is coming out of an abusive relationship and learning flags and boundaries. He's a grown man, if he can't handle that he can walk. He doesn't need setting free.

The PP made that comment before the OP said she’d been in an abusive relationship. It’s a bit unfair to criticise someone for not being psychic.
StillCoughingandLaughing · 26/02/2021 02:03

[quote littleloopylou]@smellyolddog we were just having a nice chat and he said this! It's probably a sign of insecurity plus a joke. (A dad joke from a man who's not a dad!)

But I was very annoyed that he interrupted a nice chat that way. He had my full attention and we are just texting at present.[/quote]
I think maybe you need to wait a little longer before thinking seriously about dating. You’ve been through a very hard time and it must feel like a big step trying to ‘get back out there’. But honestly, based on this, I think he, and pretty much anyone, would feel like they were walking on eggshells. He said something very innocuous, yet you seem incensed by him ‘interrupting’ your chat with it.

neutraliseacid · 26/02/2021 02:18

but I was very annoyed that he interrupted a nice chat that way. He had my full attention and we are just texting at present

He literally didn’t do that though. You sound like really hard work

CharlotteRose90 · 26/02/2021 02:26

This is a well known remark to use OLD ive used it several times. If you think it’s a red flag then perhaps you aren’t ready for dating yet.

timeisnotaline · 26/02/2021 02:31

Dh and I have been together almost half our lives, and have always made that kind of joke. It’s not a sign of insecurity, it’s a sign of security here; early in the relationship self security and I guess relationship security now too. It’s self security early on as you’re comfortable joking about it because I know I have value as a person, you can choose to be in a relationship or not but that doesn’t impact my value as a person.

Nicolastuffedone · 26/02/2021 04:46

Let the poor soul go...he’s never going to get it right!

Porridgeoat · 26/02/2021 05:00

I think it’s funny. You’re being a bit reactive.

Palavah · 26/02/2021 05:27

I agree, if this joke bothers you that much then you're maybe not ready for dating.

How long have you been single?
Have you done the Freedom Project?

FlatteredRhubardFool · 26/02/2021 05:32

I get you OP. You're on you're guard and maybe you're not ready to date but maybe you've reacted like this because your gut has sparked doubts. Give yourself time to heal and get through your divorce. I've been there and I should have waited really. I swapped one abusive relationship for another albeit in a different and less obvious way. In my last relationship I've looked back at those early comments that made me uncomfortable and have given myself a mental slap for not listening to those doubts because things got worse yet I kept focusing on all the positives. It's taken me years to establish good boundaries but I still don't trust my judgement and am staying single as that's how I like it now. It takes a it off emotional and mental energy being on your guard and always checking for red flags, even if it's unconsciously. Ignore the comments about being hard work or doing him a favour and letting him go. I had similar comments on here years ago and yet I was right to question things because something was off. Over sensitive/ hard work/ over reacting and similar get trotted out by orders who usually haven't had abusive experiences or who haven't good boundaries themselves. It is often used as a joke but it often comes from a place of insecurity and jealousy that you could be talking to others and he doesn't like it. Your boundaries are your own and it's not for others to dictate to you on where your boundaries should be. It takes strength and a good understanding of self to have boundaries. Deciding to be single is the best thing I ever did for me. It's been 3 years now I think and I'm the happiest I've ever been. I've done the freedom programme and am comfortable with who I am and my boundaries. I'd recommend you doing the course. I hope the divorce goes smoothly Thanks

FlatteredRhubardFool · 26/02/2021 05:33

Oh, and maybe ask for this to be m

FlatteredRhubardFool · 26/02/2021 05:34

Argh. Ask for it to be moved to relationships. You'll get much more appropriate responses there.

Porridgeoat · 26/02/2021 06:39

Look come off online dating and work through your issues. You’ve clearly got a lot of history to resolve as your projecting some irrational things on to what was a standard playful joke

Eviebeans · 26/02/2021 06:57

I think he could possibly have either been joking or have been slightly showing his own insecurities to you. The trouble with having been in an abusive relationship is that once you acknowledge it is abusive and decide to do something about it you are then alert to any little thing with other people. Don't take anything too seriously atm. Learn to chill and to trust your own judgement again.

tttigress · 26/02/2021 07:22

You must really be on you guard, that was obviously a joke!

Original poster
littleloopylou · 26/02/2021 07:26

I've been single for a year and a half, so I hardly think I'm jumping into anything by chatting to a guy online Hmm

OP posts: