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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

To ditch this new OLD guy

125 replies

littleloopylou · 25/02/2021 23:43

I found him interesting, unlike the vast majority of men online/men.

We've been chatting a fair amount and I've been enjoying it. All just interesting and fun chat, nothing dirty or gross.

Tonight I said "have I told you about (some thing)? I think I have?"

I often worry about repeating boring things to various people. This was something very benign that I had sent to a couple of friends.

He quipped (??) "No, that's the other guy"

My instantaneous response is "fuck you then!" (Not what I said! But def what I thought!)

Unfair to write him off?

OP posts:
MonochromeMinnie · 26/02/2021 07:35

DH and I still make these kind of silly jokes after 35 years! I'm sorry but it's not this man's responsibility to protect you from your insecurities. You don't sound ready for a relationship if such a lighthearted comment can send you over the edge.

Ponoka7 · 26/02/2021 07:37

If you've been sticking to lock down rules then you've been out of an abusive relationship for six months. That isn't long enough to get over being constantly on guard etc. You've massively over reacted and blown a joke way out of proportion. You do have to think if you are ready. Also conversations involve two people. You can't expect every one of his responses to be exactly what you want them to be. Both of you have rights.

Ileflottante · 26/02/2021 07:42

@VinylDetective

Please write him off, he deserves someone with a sense of humour.
Yep.
Original poster
littleloopylou · 26/02/2021 07:42

I have been sticking to lockdown rules

So how are you supposed to learn about boundaries and interactions without practice?

OP posts:
Inpersuitofhappiness · 26/02/2021 07:52

@littleloopylou

I found him interesting, unlike the vast majority of men online/men.

We've been chatting a fair amount and I've been enjoying it. All just interesting and fun chat, nothing dirty or gross.

Tonight I said "have I told you about (some thing)? I think I have?"

I often worry about repeating boring things to various people. This was something very benign that I had sent to a couple of friends.

He quipped (??) "No, that's the other guy"

My instantaneous response is "fuck you then!" (Not what I said! But def what I thought!)

Unfair to write him off?

Plenty of people joke like this OP. I understand you're looking for red flags as they appear, because of the abuse faced in a previous relationship, but I really don't think this is one of them I've been with DH for years and years. I'll still say, no it was your girlfriend you told, he will often say things like "you know?! Faux shock" if he says it to me ill often reply "atleast he bloody listens! Or...which one?! I have Sooo many"

But if this is something you don't like, then maybe tell him you were in an abusive relationship, where I assume you were accused of cheating often as part of the abuse, you'd appreciate if he didn't joke with you like that or maybe enter into some counselling, just so you can come to terms with what happened, and start to let go of some of that trauma that's understandably setting off alarm bells for you.

Peace43 · 26/02/2021 07:55

I’d have put this one down as a joke and said “yes, the funny one!”

Sounds like something my boyfriend would say. He often jokes about the other guy in my life (he means my dog).

Obviously this isn’t your sense of humour so you said you didn’t like it, he said sorry so now you let it go. It’s only an issue if he keeps making similar jokes that make you cringe.

tara66 · 26/02/2021 07:56

I think you should let him go - for his own sake.

mildlymiffed · 26/02/2021 07:56

Honestly, this really is a standard OLD "joke". It is a half acknowledgement that people often 'chat' to more than one potential suitor at the same time. And it is fairly standard that people get muddled between which stories they've told various people!

I'd let it go @littleloopylou

Bluntness100 · 26/02/2021 08:00

That was just a joke, and it hardly shows he’s insecure. I also don’t think you’re ready to date if a flippant comment makes you feel like this, I’m sorry.

saleboat · 26/02/2021 08:03

He already knows I'm going through a divorce so I suppose he should be expecting me to be a bit sensitive anyway. (But maybe I should question his judgement on that basis alone!)

You absolutely should not be dating or using dating sites if this is your attitude.

You state you've been single for 18 months, why would he assume a woman who has been single for that amount of time and is actively using dating sites is sensitive?

GreenlandTheMovie · 26/02/2021 08:03

[quote littleloopylou]@VinylDetective I've come out of an abusive relationship and I'm on my guard. Hence the question. I'm asking whether people think this could actually be funny. It just seems a bit rude though? Like can't we just pretend that this is an interaction between two people without bringing weird unfounded jealousy into and trying to throw someone off balance?[/quote]
I think you're right to pick up on this. That remark, while seeming innocuous, would indicate to me that he thinks seeing multiple people on OLD is fine, and he's trying to "train" your boundaries to accept that.

These little hints at the beginning of things can be telling. On my brief time on OLD (I hated it so much I deleted it all) I went on a date with one man. His initial comments made me a bit uncomfortable, in the slightly discomfitted way you are sensing. Nothing that bad, sort of joking. Anyway, he was OK on the date, I wasn't mad about him. I had made sure it was in public. Then I forgot about him. He got in touch when lockdown kicked in in November again and after a couple of messages, sent me one about "playing with himself" then when I didnt reply, sent me another claiming it was a typo. I told him I wasn't comfortable with sex chat on messenger and he messaged me saying "So you are saying you will have sex with me then?"

I deleted him. Now no doubt some handmaiden on here will pop up telling me I should be so grateful for male flirty attention I should be light hearted about it, but all I could think of was if I met him again, if he raped me, he could have shown police that message and that alone would stop it standing up in court.

MegaClutterSlut · 26/02/2021 08:05

I have to agree that maybe you're not quite ready to date yet.
Me and dh always joke that I have my boyfriend round when he's at work

Original poster
littleloopylou · 26/02/2021 08:05

I told him that I didn't think it's funny but I can see it's probably a normal kind of OLD joke and I'm happy to just move on from it if he is. I DID NOT apologise, as I may have done in the past.

Then I just responded about something else. So we will see what happens

OP posts:
GreenlandTheMovie · 26/02/2021 08:11

And there's a big difference in making this sort of joke with someone you know well. To me, it would suggest he's either controlling or jealous, or into seeing multiple people at the same time. It's just not a very classy thing for a man to say, fine if you're into making those sort of jokes but I also think it's fine for the OP to tell him he was rude.

Palavah · 26/02/2021 08:11

@greenlandthemovie Im sorry that happened to you but it isn't remotely comparable.

@littleloopylou have you heard of the Freedom Project? It's definitely a good idea to check it out. It's one of the ways you can learn how to set your boundaries.

Roussette · 26/02/2021 08:11

Honestly.... it's embarrassing, it's the sort of joke that people say to each other all the time.
You should think of it as nice that he feels comfortable enough to have a josh with you, and you slapped him down.

Palavah · 26/02/2021 08:15

Sorry, its The Freedom Programme
freedomprogramme.co.uk/

Lovelydiscusfish · 26/02/2021 08:16

I agree with others it’s quite common humour. If I ask my boyfriend when he will be home I often add “so I know when to kick my lovers out.”, and when he gets an alert on his phone it is not uncommon for me to say “Another Tinder match for you babe.” As you can see from this, I am not wildly amusing! 🤣 But these are not a sign of insecurity or jealousy or anything else - they are just lame attempts a humour.

However, it seems OP you don’t share his sense of humour so maybe you aren’t going to be very compatible. And also if I was him (am not saying this to be nasty, just honest) and someone I was newly chatting to told me one of my jokes was rude, I wouldn’t stick around. To be honest, if he has that probably is a strong indicator he really likes you!

ByeByeMissAmericanPie · 26/02/2021 08:17

@FlatteredRhubardFool has made some good points. It takes us all different times to heal after abusive relationships.

Just maybe you’re not ready. Or maybe you’ve spotted something that would be a problem for YOU going forward, that others would just laugh off (as some posters are doing...)

Everyone is different.

TheFancyPants · 26/02/2021 08:23

He was being passive aggressive

Ditch him!

Ricebubbles2 · 26/02/2021 08:24

[quote littleloopylou]@thepeopleversuswork

It's entirely possible I'm not ready!

I'm kind of afraid that I will miss red flags.

He's seemingly fairly inoffensive and nice otherwise so maybe I will keep chatting to him. He already knows I'm going through a divorce so I suppose he should be expecting me to be a bit sensitive anyway. (But maybe I should question his judgement on that basis alone!)[/quote]
It's a flippant joke and your on the defensive
I would of replied, I think so!
I find some male humour to be really crap
Stop looking for problems and see how you go?

imyournextdoorneighbour · 26/02/2021 08:25

@picknmix1984

Mm you are going to struggle if you write people off that quickly!
Jeez ^this! My DH and I still do this and we've been married over 25 years! The other day I said ' ooh we've been there' (to somewhere on TV) and he said, I don't think I have' 'oh must have been with my other DH' he laughed, because we did actually both have lives before we met...
FluffyHippo · 26/02/2021 08:26

And this is why you're single and reduced to online dating...

Palavah · 26/02/2021 08:31

@FluffyHippo

And this is why you're single and reduced to online dating...
@Fluffyhippo that's an unhelpful and unnecessary comment. Single isn't a character flaw and nor is OLD. Much better to be single /dating than in an abusive relationship.
Baddit · 26/02/2021 08:33

Let him go. You're clearly not in a good place still. I think you should focus on sorting your divorce out and have some time on your own to process it all. If you date with this sort of mindset you will just cause misery for yourself and others and attract more of the same sort of abusive person despite your best efforts.