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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

To ditch this new OLD guy

125 replies

littleloopylou · 25/02/2021 23:43

I found him interesting, unlike the vast majority of men online/men.

We've been chatting a fair amount and I've been enjoying it. All just interesting and fun chat, nothing dirty or gross.

Tonight I said "have I told you about (some thing)? I think I have?"

I often worry about repeating boring things to various people. This was something very benign that I had sent to a couple of friends.

He quipped (??) "No, that's the other guy"

My instantaneous response is "fuck you then!" (Not what I said! But def what I thought!)

Unfair to write him off?

OP posts:
knittingaddict · 26/02/2021 08:43

Op, my daughter left an abusive marriage a couple of years ago and I don't think this is a red flag at all. I've read a few books on abusive relationships and think I could spot a potential issue from space and this just sounds like a joke. Not a great one, but a joke nevertheless.

Onjnmoeiejducwoapy · 26/02/2021 08:43

You’re very very clearly not ready to be dating.

If you can’t deal with regular conversations then you need to relearn boundaries properly outside of dating, and move much slower.

Pyewackect · 26/02/2021 08:52

You sound hard work.

knittingaddict · 26/02/2021 08:54

I also agree with others that maybe you should give online dating a miss for a while. If this has upset you then the ones my daughter has talked to would floor you. The ones who love bomb you and then have an absolute meltdown if the tell them it isn't working. The ones who send abusive messages when you haven't replied within 30 seconds. The ones who tell you that you're too fat, too thin, don't smile enough. There might be a few princes out there on dating sites, but many are most definitely frogs.

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 26/02/2021 08:54

I agree with pps, you really don't sound ready for all of this. I really don't think this is at all offensive (admittedly I do have a high tolerance for most types of humour).

Or maybe this is the kind of humour you have never enjoyed irrelevant of past experience. If this is the case maybe it would be better to find someone who has a similar idea of humour to you. (I am saying this as you said a joke 'interrupted ' nice convo which made me think this kinda chat may not be your thing at all).

Whatever you decide, best of luck Flowers

thepeopleversuswork · 26/02/2021 09:02

@FluffyHippo

And this is why you're single and reduced to online dating...
Jesus will you have a word with yourself?

The OP has said she's been in an abusive relationship. She is understandably being careful about this. You may not agree with her views but no need to be blatantly unkind.

And by the way far better to be single than being with someone who doesn't make you happy and there's nothing wrong with online dating.

Atrixie · 26/02/2021 09:04

It’s funny and a completely normal comment.

neutraliseacid · 26/02/2021 09:05

@FluffyHippo

And this is why you're single and reduced to online dating...
that was fucking rude
Atrixie · 26/02/2021 09:08

My partner and I always tease each other. I say to him “that’ll be your 24 year old girlfriend” and he says “that’ll be the accountant you’ll end up marrying” it’s stupid but it’s all a joke

Original poster
littleloopylou · 26/02/2021 09:10

Thanks to everyone who has provided helpful comments.

He replied basically saying, yeah it was a bad joke, I admit it, then engaged with the other thing I said.

I'll keep chatting with him and see how it goes. I'm fully prepared to drop it if it causes me stress or anguish of any type at all.

I've done part of the freedom programme and I've worked a lot on my boundaries.

As far as I'm concerned, it's up to him if he wants to avoid a woman who is in the middle of a divorce. I've been open about the fact that it's ongoing.

I'm not really chatting to anyone else just because I don't have the energy and I shut down every guy who gives off a vibe I don't like.

OP posts:
Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 26/02/2021 09:15

@FluffyHippo

And this is why you're single and reduced to online dating...
For reference OP this isn't funny. Just unkind and unnecessary.
GreenlandTheMovie · 26/02/2021 09:16

@littleloopylou

Thanks to everyone who has provided helpful comments.

He replied basically saying, yeah it was a bad joke, I admit it, then engaged with the other thing I said.

I'll keep chatting with him and see how it goes. I'm fully prepared to drop it if it causes me stress or anguish of any type at all.

I've done part of the freedom programme and I've worked a lot on my boundaries.

As far as I'm concerned, it's up to him if he wants to avoid a woman who is in the middle of a divorce. I've been open about the fact that it's ongoing.

I'm not really chatting to anyone else just because I don't have the energy and I shut down every guy who gives off a vibe I don't like.

I personally think that's a wise approach with OLD. There's so many chancers on it, I think you have to be prepared that the majority of them will be a complete waste of time.

This idea that you have to pretend to find bad jokes funny in order to attract a man isn't very healthy. And all this talk of being ready to do OLD? Seriously? People meet each other at all sorts of times in their lives. If you waited for the perfect moment, you'd be waiting a long time.

Mind you I deleted OLD because all the fakery with strangers and dodgy guys looking for casual sex wasn't for me, and started seeing someone I wouldn't have had time for and might have overlooked had I been doing OLD...

lioncitygirl · 26/02/2021 09:18

😳 was a joke but yes, dump him if you’re uncomfortable.

WilsonMilson · 26/02/2021 09:26

You’ve obviously overreacted.

Perhaps you need some counselling to get past the trauma of your previous relationship or else it will taint things going forward. The way you reacted to a perceived threat was disproportionate, but understandable given the past trauma. To be in a healthy relationship going forward I’d suggest some therapy.

Original poster
littleloopylou · 26/02/2021 09:27

I have a therapist. I'm working on boundaries. My therapist actually thinks it makes sense to dabble in online dating. I'm not taking it very seriously at all - just using it as an opportunity to 'meet' new people and chat.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 26/02/2021 09:29

@tara66

I think you should let him go - for his own sake.
He's not a captive victim. He's perfectly able to make that choice himself
DenisetheMenace · 26/02/2021 09:30

The man has a sense of humour.

Original poster
littleloopylou · 26/02/2021 09:34

I honestly don't get why people think this was funny. Even if meant light-heartedly, it was a weak and derivative joke at best!

OP posts:
Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 26/02/2021 09:37

@littleloopylou

I honestly don't get why people think this was funny. Even if meant light-heartedly, it was a weak and derivative joke at best!
I don't think anyone is suggesting it is laugh out loud funny. It was likely light hearted 'banter' or humour. Everyones finds different things funny but i just can't see why this would be offended. Just my opinion though.
Palavah · 26/02/2021 09:37

@littleloopylou

I have a therapist. I'm working on boundaries. My therapist actually thinks it makes sense to dabble in online dating. I'm not taking it very seriously at all - just using it as an opportunity to 'meet' new people and chat.
That's good. It might be worth mentioning this to your therapist and exploring why his comment felt so offensive to you.
Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 26/02/2021 09:37

*why anyone would be offended

BottleFlipper · 26/02/2021 09:55

@littleloopylou

I honestly don't get why people think this was funny. Even if meant light-heartedly, it was a weak and derivative joke at best!
No, it was quite witty albeit given your history I can see why it hasn't gone down well.
Original poster
littleloopylou · 26/02/2021 10:02

@Hellodarknessmyoldpal

The reason I found it offensive was because we are just chatting in a friendly way.

There is an implicit suggestion in saying that that (a) I'm not being sufficiently attentive to him and (b)

OP posts:
Original poster
littleloopylou · 26/02/2021 10:03

Oops (b) he has a right to be possessive

As I said, I can see that I might be harmless. This is why I started the thread - for a sense check

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 26/02/2021 10:08

@littleloopylou

I honestly don't get why people think this was funny. Even if meant light-heartedly, it was a weak and derivative joke at best!
Itsy are to explain and it's probably a bit early for the joke to work but I guess it's a play on the fact that you'd never actually do it? I guess it's more like banter.

Like of I wrote the conversation it wouldn't read funny, because it's all in the tone and the security