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Original poster

Blending families....panic!

88 replies

MillieMooBee · 24/02/2021 20:46

My partner is great. Been together for 2 years. He's fantastic around the house and gets on really well with my 11 year old daughter who is with me for 60% of the time. He more or less lives with me now but has his own place.

EOW and for a night in the week he has his two daughters (4 and 7) to stay. They are lovely and so SO cute! When he has them for the weekend it's for 3 nights and they stay at his house as they have beds there etc. During that time I like to spend time with my daughter and love my house. I bought it from the settlement money when I split with my exh.

Tomorrow is D day. Van booked to bring his kids beds over here so that he can move in properly. Means we can stop paying 2 sets of bills etc. BUT I'm in panic mode. It'll be chaos. 3 kids running around. I'm not used to it and like my quiet time. I feel so selfish though. He can't be expected to spend forever between 2 houses. I need to commit properly....don't I? I worry about my daughter too as she's an only child and she's used to it just being me and her.

Has anyone been in this position?

OP posts:
Crikeycroc · 24/02/2021 20:57

What’s the situation with the place he is leaving? Rented/owned?

Of course you don’t have to move in with him. It sounds like you’re having some pretty major doubts about it already. blended families can be hard. have you discussed the differences in your parenting styles? Have you worked out exactly what he will be contributing to?

Fireflygal · 24/02/2021 21:03

Have you talked finances, parenting,chores, how you will divide time? It's important that you have this upfront.

I would hope he still has his own place as both of you need an exit plan should it not work out.

Original poster
MillieMooBee · 24/02/2021 21:04

@Crikeycroc

What’s the situation with the place he is leaving? Rented/owned?

Of course you don’t have to move in with him. It sounds like you’re having some pretty major doubts about it already. blended families can be hard. have you discussed the differences in your parenting styles? Have you worked out exactly what he will be contributing to?

Thank you for the reply. He is currently renting. We kind of already work quite well together as he stays here so much. I guess I'm just worried about making it formal. That he won't have his own place to go to. It sounds terrible but when it's just him it's great. I just find things stressful when all 3 kids are here. I'm just not used to it.

We have discussed the finances and how it will work splitting bills etc. He's great like that and I'm not worried.

He's said that I can't expect him to keep living between two houses and also it's not fair on his girls. I do get that but I'm just not sure I'm built for a busy household 🙈🙈

OP posts:
BlueThistles · 24/02/2021 21:05

Ooooft slow down OP 🌺

Original poster
MillieMooBee · 24/02/2021 21:06

I should say that he'll keep his house until the rental agreement is up in august. I guess that gives me time to be sure. Same for him.

OP posts:
Original poster
MillieMooBee · 24/02/2021 21:07

@BlueThistles

Ooooft slow down OP 🌺
Lol 🌸. Tbh I thought I was going slowly. It's been 2 years. Is that not slow? Genuine question as I appreciate your response x
OP posts:
BlueThistles · 24/02/2021 21:10

aahhh 2 years ... sorry lol 🤣

goody2shooz · 24/02/2021 21:12

So ‘he’s said that I can’t expect him to keep living between two houses and it’s not fair on his girls’......okayyyyy. But honestly, what do YOU feel, and your girl? Did you ask him to move in with you? Do you feel rushed into this? If he said he couldn’t move in what would your gut reaction be? Doesn’t sound like you’re ready for this....

Lbnc2021 · 24/02/2021 21:15

Why bother? Seriously, if you don’t want to do it then don’t do it. You’re not 100% sure

NotaCoolMum · 24/02/2021 21:16

@BlueThistles

Ooooft slow down OP 🌺
Why slow down?!- it’s been 2 years!
NotaCoolMum · 24/02/2021 21:16

@BlueThistles 😂😂😂never mind!!

Original poster
MillieMooBee · 24/02/2021 21:20

@goody2shooz

So ‘he’s said that I can’t expect him to keep living between two houses and it’s not fair on his girls’......okayyyyy. But honestly, what do YOU feel, and your girl? Did you ask him to move in with you? Do you feel rushed into this? If he said he couldn’t move in what would your gut reaction be? Doesn’t sound like you’re ready for this....
We've spoken about it before and I put it off. That was about 9 months ago. He was fine and said we should wait till I was sure. I don't think I'll ever be ready tbh. I think I'm a bit precious about my house as I bought it after a long marriage.

Perhaps I need to just give my head a wobble and get on with it. My ex moved his new partner in very very quickly so I've been holding off so that my daughter didn't feel like too much was changing at once. I'm very protective of her.

I guess I feel selfish as I cope fine when it's just him here. I fully accept that he comes as a package with the girls and he's an excellent dad. It's just very different for me. That's why I stopped at one child. I knew I couldn't cope with more.

OP posts:
BlueThistles · 24/02/2021 21:24

nothing wrong with being selfish and protective of what you and your daughter have OP... 🌺

SortingItOut · 24/02/2021 21:26

You definitely can expect him to live between houses.
You do know that there is no law that you have to live together ever.

I can't think of anything worse than having 2 young children move in to my quiet house.

What do you want? Not what he wants but what you and your daughter want.

I'm concerned that your boyfriends needs are being put above your daughters needs, what makes you think she wants to share her home with 2 other children.

If they haven't been staying at yours overnight how do you know its going to work?
I would have brought beds for them and on 1 weekend a month let them stay so you can ALL see whether you like it and build from there.

It all seems so rushed.
I'm worried he's going to be a cocklodger.

forumdonkey · 24/02/2021 21:27

He's said that I can't expect him to keep living between two houses and also it's not fair on his girls

That's a ridiculous statement. Of course he can, he's a grown man. Why is it not fair on his girls if they stay at his house with him?

SortingItOut · 24/02/2021 21:28

I've got a partner of 17 months and we dont plan to live together ever, its not lack of commitment but we've both been hurt before and want to maintain our own homes.

He has a son in primary school,my kids are adults. I can't think of anything worse than being a step mum to a young child.

Leafdelta · 24/02/2021 21:28

You say you don’t think you’ll ever be ready but are ploughing on without listening to your instinct - put this on hold for your own sanity and for the sake of your daughter. It will be ten times harder to row back on this and he sounds like he’s putting his needs first.

SortingItOut · 24/02/2021 21:30

You are not being selfish by not wanting him abd his girls to live with you.

Your wants and needs are important too.
You've been railroaded in to this.

Of course you want to protect the home you've built for you and your daughter.

Aquamarine1029 · 24/02/2021 21:30

Sorry, op, but you are not ready for this and this is perfectly ok. There's no reason you have to be. I fear this is going to cause you an incredible amount of stress and damage your relationship. I would not be moving forward with this.

forumdonkey · 24/02/2021 21:31

What isn't fair is forcing children together if they don't want it.

I am surprised that you've not had them stay over to see how everyone gets along before making it a permanent arrangement.

TwoBoysTooMany76 · 24/02/2021 21:31

@MillieMooBee I don’t blame you for having doubts. I think a 11-year-old is a completely different kettle of fish to a 4 and 7-year-olds. My two are now 13 and 11 and I would not want to go back to when they were 5 and 7... Shudder! Could that be part of it?

Also parenting one and parenting three is a massive difference. I see so many of my friends, the dynamic of the one-child family is so different to that of a two-children. Three is just chaos 😂. Joking aside, if it is not what you want, you can make that choice. I think at those ages, keeping separate households is not a bad idea.

My current boyfriend has no children and we keep separate households and while I love spending as much time as possible with him, I need my one-on-one with my DCs, he needs time away from the DCs (not having kids was a choice he made so I don’t see why I need to force him into ‘family life’) and I love my adult one-on-one time with him when my DCs are with their Dad. Occasionally their time in my house overlaps and it’s fine. Everyone gets along because we are not forced to spend 24/7 together... It’s ideal.

stealthninjamum · 24/02/2021 21:35

Op, are you sure it’s not just because he’s being pushy? You said he asked nine months ago, so just after a year?

Also have you protected yourself financially?

TwoBoysTooMany76 · 24/02/2021 21:38

@MillieMooBee I posted before I read your last post. DO NOT MOVE HIM IN TOMORROW. You stopped at one because you couldn’t cope with more than one, why on earth would you think you can cope with three especially when two of them is not yours?!!! Confused

Parenting is hard but step-parenting is even harder and more thankless. I dated someone once with one child and she was a lovely child but I felt nothing towards her. I felt so damn guilty. Luckily that relationship ended. Even though my exH’s wife was his AP, I totally respect her for her taking on my two DCs as it’s not something I can do myself.

stealthninjamum · 24/02/2021 21:41

The thread moved on quickly. I don’t think it’s unreasonable for him to live at two houses. My partner lives in a separate flat and lockdown was hard. We’ve been together nearly two years and are planning on living together but there’s no rush. I would hope to buy a new house (in my name) and move in together in 18 months to two years. He is happy with that.

Also you met when the youngest daughter was two. How long has he been on his own? I would be worried he just wanted to save rent and / or have someone to do the housework.

Original poster
MillieMooBee · 24/02/2021 21:48

@stealthninjamum

The thread moved on quickly. I don’t think it’s unreasonable for him to live at two houses. My partner lives in a separate flat and lockdown was hard. We’ve been together nearly two years and are planning on living together but there’s no rush. I would hope to buy a new house (in my name) and move in together in 18 months to two years. He is happy with that.

Also you met when the youngest daughter was two. How long has he been on his own? I would be worried he just wanted to save rent and / or have someone to do the housework.

I'm almost embarrassed to say that the housework side of things isn't a problem. Mainly because he does far more of it than me 🙈. I do work long hours for the Fire Service though and he wfh (from mine). Lame excuse on my part I know...

I do sort of see the point in him moving in permanently though. He's currently paying to run his own place but only sleeping there every other weekend.

I think u are all right though. My instincts are telling me it's not right and I need to listen. Gonna have to pull the plug NOW. This won't go well.....

OP posts:
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