Blending families....panic!

[MillieMooBee]

My partner is great. Been together for 2 years. He's fantastic around the house and gets on really well with my 11 year old daughter who is with me for 60% of the time. He more or less lives with me now but has his own place.

EOW and for a night in the week he has his two daughters (4 and 7) to stay. They are lovely and so SO cute! When he has them for the weekend it's for 3 nights and they stay at his house as they have beds there etc. During that time I like to spend time with my daughter and love my house. I bought it from the settlement money when I split with my exh.

Tomorrow is D day. Van booked to bring his kids beds over here so that he can move in properly. Means we can stop paying 2 sets of bills etc. BUT I'm in panic mode. It'll be chaos. 3 kids running around. I'm not used to it and like my quiet time. I feel so selfish though. He can't be expected to spend forever between 2 houses. I need to commit properly....don't I? I worry about my daughter too as she's an only child and she's used to it just being me and her.

Has anyone been in this position?

What happens if you need him to leave?

Senseless is spot on. Except I'll add this: he wants to make his life better at your and your daughter. He has two baby mamas who dumped him. And he lied about this to you. First mistake was forgiving a whopper like this. You've been conditioned to engage in doormat behaviour like this the way he's been conditioned to believe childcare is women's work.

@rawalpindithelabrador

Senseless is spot on. Except I'll add this: he wants to make his life better at your and your daughter. He has two baby mamas who dumped him. And he lied about this to you. First mistake was forgiving a whopper like this. You've been conditioned to engage in doormat behaviour like this the way he's been conditioned to believe childcare is women's work.

Thanks for the response ☺️. Not sure if it's getting confused with another though? He doesn't have 2 baby mamas. The girls are both with his ex wife x

Well done OP...

I know you feel bad for doing it but its the right decision 🌺

@dane8

No no no You like your own space, and when YOU want time with daughter or him But 2 more little ones would do your head in

I’m like you, I have one child.
I’ve had my niece occasionally who’s 4 and I love her dearly, but after a couple of hours
I’m knackered with all the playing games
11 yr olds can fend for themselves to a level
4 yr olds you have to attend too

Stay separate for as long as possible, if it’s bills his side then let him rent a 1 bed and get a good sofa bed for himself when the girls stay.

Don’t compare money together, obviously your going to have more but extra money isn’t everything

The running of his house is not your problem, he’d have to pay it anyway

I'm the same with the game playing. It's exhausting!! Lol. He's a fantastic, hands on dad. I don't know where he gets the energy from to keep up with them tbh. The girls love him to bits.

It's just not me. I love the quiet. Perhaps when they are a bit older it will be different x

Sorry, I had one eye on Netflix!

@rawalpindithelabrador

Sorry, I had one eye on Netflix!

😁😁🌸

They are amazing but I just struggle with the constant need to look after them

You looking after them?
He should be doing that surely.

Good job you've pulled the plug. He does seem to have tried to push this living together though.

Keep things as they are.

it will be interesting to see how He responds to this OP...

ie.. will He be happy to carry on as is... will He try to encourage this joining of households next week again... or will He end the relationship...

either way OP... you have to think of you and your DD... don't be bullied.

Following with interest as I am in a similar position (9 year old DD), with a partner of 2 years who has 50/50 care of his two DSs. DP is keen to move things forward in terms of living together, but while I really like his kids, I also like my space, and the ability I have to focus on my daughter and myself.

Don't feel rushed into making a decision, OP.

You made the right decision op. And I think this way you each have the best of all worlds. 1 to 1 time with your children, couple time with no kids and some time all together. This way nothing gets old or tiring or annoying. Relaxing and fun and loving.

I worry about my daughter too as she's an only child and she's used to it just being me and her.

This is the relationship that counts, OP.

All of the urgency for this move seems to be coming from him. Objectively, he gains more.

OP I think you are wonderful to put yourself and your daughter first. It's not easy to do that but I'm quite sure you've done the right thing.

I'm not sure if this relationship is right for either of you. It doesn't sound like you are cut out to be a step mum. You want your partner but not the children and surely they come as a package. He should be doing the work when they come round but the fact that you don't really want them around will be noticed and felt by the children. If this was a woman posting from the OPs partners perspective I think the responses would be very different.

I think it’s smart to wait longer before blending. I’m concerned his motives are to make his life easier and to benefit financially. It’s your house OP, don’t let him talk you into selling so you can buy something bigger together, or you could end up worse off in a breakup. He’s already tried to move himself and his girls into your house. Right now you are independent and you’ve said yourself you want to leave your house to your daughter.

OP,
This whole situation has clusterfxxk written all over it.

There truly is NOTHING in this situation that benegits you, but boy does it benefit him.

Like so many many men that have young children they just love to line up another woman to share or take the load from them.

This will change your home for ever.
This will change your daughter's home for ever.

You both enjoy your peaceful home, why would you want this.

There is NOTHING wrong will loving seeing the back of him and his children.

I love having family occasionally to visit.
We have a great time and enjoy the company, but after 2 nights I have enough and want my home back.

I think a lot of people feel like this.

You really shouldn't force yourself to do something so huge to suit someone else.

He is pushing this completely to suit himself.

This 100% is not in your daughter's best interests.

How would you feel if your daughter turned around and said she wanted to spend more time at her Dad's as her home has changed so much?

Would you also be happy doing playdates for the girls with their friends?
Your daughter may want to bring her teen friends home.

The key thing is that cute as his children undoubtedly, they are not your children and you would be dropping a bomb in your daughter's home AGAIN.

How he behaves now will be important.
Don't be surprised if he ends things.

He is after all primarily looking for someone to share the load with him, preferably with a ready home.

I don't believe this is in his girls bests interests either.

He is the one who will benefit most.

If this was a woman posting from the OPs partners perspective I think the responses would be very different.

I think if the situations were reversed - ie the OP was a woman trying to move herself and her two daughters into her partner’s home the answers would be similar. Especially if her DP had a daughter who was used to spending good chunks of time alone with her dad.

The thing about kids that age is they take up all the attention as they need more physical care, and the loser in that scenario will be your daughter.
I think you’ve done the right thing.
Always ask yourself, how will this benefit me and mine.

@bigvig

I'm not sure if this relationship is right for either of you. It doesn't sound like you are cut out to be a step mum. You want your partner but not the children and surely they come as a package. He should be doing the work when they come round but the fact that you don't really want them around will be noticed and felt by the children. If this was a woman posting from the OPs partners perspective I think the responses would be very different.

I can totally see where you are coming from but it's definitely not the case. I love having them here. In fact they are here all day today with us. He does do most of the work with them as I do with my own daughter. Bedtime etc....

I'm more than happy to head out all day with them and we've been away for weekends together.

It's just that I struggle with how final it is when it comes to the moving in. I just feel like there is no going back then.

It sounds like you've a good set up at the moment. Why change it. I wouldn't. I love my house. I fought hard for it after I broke with my ex wife. My children come and stay twice/three times a week. The rest of the time I love my space.

I'm not changing things for no one.

@GentlemanJay

It sounds like you've a good set up at the moment. Why change it. I wouldn't. I love my house. I fought hard for it after I broke with my ex wife. My children come and stay twice/three times a week. The rest of the time I love my space.

I'm not changing things for no one.

I feel the same. Love the fact that my house is mine. Paid for by me and will be left to my daughter. I think going through a break up makes you a bit more protective of what's yours x

So what has been agreed?
I’m confused over the arrangements. In a two week period how many nights does he have his children? Is it 3/14?

@Isadora2007

So what has been agreed? I’m confused over the arrangements. In a two week period how many nights does he have his children? Is it 3/14?

Every other weekend Friday to Monday so 3 nights. Every other week they also sleep over on the Wednesday night. That's the Wednesday when he doesn't have them for the weekend x

I think you all need a sit down talk as a family- to say that things are going to feel different for everyone and we will all need to get used to one another. Talk about the kind of worries everyone may have and agree to try to be open about them and to try and accommodate everyone's needs. That may mean some alone time, together in two's time together in three's time, some quiet time and so on. And then the important thing is to keep talking.
If having younger children in your house is going to be a challenge then I hope you've not felt pressured into this because it will all start on the wrong foot with false smiles and unspoken irritations- and children pick up on these things better than adults sometimes!