Blending families....panic!

[MillieMooBee]

My partner is great. Been together for 2 years. He's fantastic around the house and gets on really well with my 11 year old daughter who is with me for 60% of the time. He more or less lives with me now but has his own place.

EOW and for a night in the week he has his two daughters (4 and 7) to stay. They are lovely and so SO cute! When he has them for the weekend it's for 3 nights and they stay at his house as they have beds there etc. During that time I like to spend time with my daughter and love my house. I bought it from the settlement money when I split with my exh.

Tomorrow is D day. Van booked to bring his kids beds over here so that he can move in properly. Means we can stop paying 2 sets of bills etc. BUT I'm in panic mode. It'll be chaos. 3 kids running around. I'm not used to it and like my quiet time. I feel so selfish though. He can't be expected to spend forever between 2 houses. I need to commit properly....don't I? I worry about my daughter too as she's an only child and she's used to it just being me and her.

Has anyone been in this position?

It seems like you skipped the part where him and the girls stayed over.

I also think outside of lockdown it would be easier and you and they could go out and you'd get more alone time and quiet etc!

I hope he understands why you have your concerns

@RandomMess

It seems like you skipped the part where him and the girls stayed over.

I also think outside of lockdown it would be easier and you and they could go out and you'd get more alone time and quiet etc!

I hope he understands why you have your concerns

Stayed over where? Sorry I don't quite get that bit.

You are right.I do feel very 'stuck' at times due to COVID. Can't get them all out much etc. Same as everyone else I guess 😊

EOW the little ones stay at their Dads and you stay home alone with your DD. Before moving in surely you would build up where you were all together at yours even if they still slept at DPs? That's the bit you seem to have skipped from what I've (mis?) understood.

OP stop this..... do it for you and your Child 🌺

I've been in a very similar situation OP and have pulled the plug. My dd and I love our quiet twosome time and I couldn't give it away for anyone. Good luck with your conversation

@RandomMess

EOW the little ones stay at their Dads and you stay home alone with your DD. Before moving in surely you would build up where you were all together at yours even if they still slept at DPs? That's the bit you seem to have skipped from what I've (mis?) understood.

I see! Sorry my fault. My brain didn't kick in then! So they do came here a lot. They have tea, we go out etc but then they disappear off and I get to sit on the sofa with a cuppa. Plus the weekend they are over is also the weekend I have my daughter. We sometimes stay at his place with them all in the sat evening but I always make sure that the Friday night is just the two of us.

@Lollyneenah

I've been in a very similar situation OP and have pulled the plug. My dd and I love our quiet twosome time and I couldn't give it away for anyone. Good luck with your conversation

Thank you for replying. Do u think you will always feel like that ?

I did it. He replied and said 'ok I'll message the guy in the morning' (talking about the van hire guy). I just feel bloody terrible now.

Wish I was more of a big chaotic family and loving it type of person....

TBH if it works really well as it is why break it 🤷🏽‍♀️

@RandomMess

TBH if it works really well as it is why break it 🤷🏽‍♀️

Good point. That's in my mind too. I guess the answer is finances but that's not the most important thing here x

Perhaps your DP can move to a smaller/cheaper place seeing as though it is literally just a place for him and the girls to mainly sleep?

You say the answer is finances OP - but that’s his convenience not yours it seems?

@Izzy24

You say the answer is finances OP - but that’s his convenience not yours it seems?

I guess it's both really. We are paying two sets of bills. Him rent and me a mortgage. Heating, council tax etc....we could save a hell of a lot by knocking it back to one set.

Thank goodness you put a halt on that.

I think he was rushing you for no reason.

He has to provide a home for his children when they visit, so that won't change.

The difference between 1 and 3 children is simply huge.

The noise, the food, the cleaning, the laundry, the stuff like shoes/toys/clothes/coats.

Honestly it really is a completely different household.

I think it would be just awful to do this to your daughter.

He wanted to move in after 15 months!
I appreciate he has a accepted you putting him off twice.

If you feel ANY relief after they leave then this is not for you.

Your daughter should come first, because her life will change enormously if 3 people were to move in.

OP,

You need to keep your home 100% separate.

He can pay rent and bills but YOUR home must clearly be kept separate.

You aren't suggesting involving him in your morgage I hope.

Don't be naive with your daughter's home.

His finances are not a reason to move in together.

Thank fuck for good sense!

@billy1966

OP,

You need to keep your home 100% separate.

He can pay rent and bills but YOUR home must clearly be kept separate.

You aren't suggesting involving him in your morgage I hope.

Don't be naive with your daughter's home.

His finances are not a reason to move in together.

No I have always made it clear that I wouldn't want him on the mortgage. I want the house to go to my daughter in time.

@billy1966

Thank goodness you put a halt on that.

I think he was rushing you for no reason.

He has to provide a home for his children when they visit, so that won't change.

The difference between 1 and 3 children is simply huge.

The noise, the food, the cleaning, the laundry, the stuff like shoes/toys/clothes/coats.

Honestly it really is a completely different household.

I think it would be just awful to do this to your daughter.

He wanted to move in after 15 months!
I appreciate he has a accepted you putting him off twice.

If you feel ANY relief after they leave then this is not for you.

Your daughter should come first, because her life will change enormously if 3 people were to move in.

This is so true. They left this evening and the place was a mess! Completely normal mess for kiddies their age but still. I must admit though that I couldn't get their shoes and coats on quickly enough and wave them goodbye.

Does your partner look after your DD while you're working?

@penguinpostcard

Does your partner look after your DD while you're working?

Yes sometimes. She is in school though but he will collect her for me if needed x

I couldn't get their shoes and coats on quickly enough and wave them goodbye

And they’re not even living with you!

I have a great set up, just me and my DD, and there’s no way I’d foist two other kids just so some bloke could pay less in bills. Glad to see you’ve pulled the plug!

Do you think that's partly why you've gone along with him moving in? Completely understandable, of course - it's so difficult managing everything, especially during lockdown. But I agree with what everyone else has said, that it doesn't sound like you're ready for this next step.

@penguinpostcard

Do you think that's partly why you've gone along with him moving in? Completely understandable, of course - it's so difficult managing everything, especially during lockdown. But I agree with what everyone else has said, that it doesn't sound like you're ready for this next step.

Possibly although her Dad is very involved. I think I feel terrible because I know that if he didn't have the kids I wouldn't have a problem. They are amazing but I just struggle with the constant need to look after them.

OMG I am so relieved that you have called this off!

You know what you like, your daughter likes, and what works for you. you have it, and you can afford it. AMAZING. DON'T be one of those women lying awake at night in a stressful home situation, not knowing how to change it. You deserve your peace and your independence.

Can we just be really clear about this: your partner wants to make HIS life better at the expense of YOUR life being worse. He isn't consciously doing that, necessarily, but he's drawing on a lifetime of conditioning that men don't have to deal with family stuff on their own and there will always be a woman to do it. That's what "it's not fair to him" means. It means "my dad didn't have to do any of this, and it's hard, and you are a woman, and I want you to do it". at the moment he has responsibility for two small children, when they are with him, and it's tough - kids that age are draining - and he wants you to do it.

"They are amazing but I just struggle with the constant need to look after them."
Not your kids. not your need to look after them.

you will resent him and his kids fucking up your lovely house. you will, and you will not get used to it.

See if he can grow up and have a loving relationship with a woman while not making her into a servant. you might lose him, but if he can't manage that, that's no loss.

definitely no rush. My DP and I have been together 7 years. He does not live at mine. 2 years is no time. Your first and foremost loyalty is to your own DD and then yourself, his preferences do not trump yours. Many relationships thrive with space.