Blending families....panic!

[MillieMooBee]

My partner is great. Been together for 2 years. He's fantastic around the house and gets on really well with my 11 year old daughter who is with me for 60% of the time. He more or less lives with me now but has his own place.

EOW and for a night in the week he has his two daughters (4 and 7) to stay. They are lovely and so SO cute! When he has them for the weekend it's for 3 nights and they stay at his house as they have beds there etc. During that time I like to spend time with my daughter and love my house. I bought it from the settlement money when I split with my exh.

Tomorrow is D day. Van booked to bring his kids beds over here so that he can move in properly. Means we can stop paying 2 sets of bills etc. BUT I'm in panic mode. It'll be chaos. 3 kids running around. I'm not used to it and like my quiet time. I feel so selfish though. He can't be expected to spend forever between 2 houses. I need to commit properly....don't I? I worry about my daughter too as she's an only child and she's used to it just being me and her.

Has anyone been in this position?

2 years isn't really that long is it?

If you were both single would you be rushing into having a baby after 2 years and getting married yet here he is thinking it's a good idea to merge existing families?

You are pretty much in the honeymoon phase!

@RandomMess

2 years isn't really that long is it?

If you were both single would you be rushing into having a baby after 2 years and getting married yet here he is thinking it's a good idea to merge existing families?

You are pretty much in the honeymoon phase!

I agree, it's nothing time wise.

I honestly think you could do another 3 or 4 years before even speaking about it again.
If at all!

But then I think having established your independence and loving your home with your daughter I just can't imagine why you would want to bring all that adjustment/stress and accommodating them into your life.

So many women regret it on here.

It always ends up as the woman trying to accommodate everyone.
The woman taking on the mental load.
The woman trying to keep the peace.
The woman negotiating peace.
The woman giving up her time.
The woman who loses out on her free time.
The woman who ultimately compromises.
The woman who regrets it all.

Have you thought about holidays?
If he moves in with his children, you can hardly go on holidays again without them.

Have you thought about ever having friends or family to stay?
Where would they stay?

He will be the winner.
You will be the loser, as will your daughter.

Hope he is giving you half the rent money

I wouldnt do it sorry. Perhaps if his kids were older, but you're basically signing up to be a mum of three kids. I would prioritise my daughter and your peaceful life...

If he loves you he will understand and won't pressure you. If he walks away I would suggest this is not the right relationship for you.

Sorry I think you will regret it and all the kids are better off without blending families anyway.

We are paying two sets of bills

No, you are each paying your OWN bills.

I'd cancel the van! At least you have a choice - your poor daughter didn't ask to be thrown into a chaotic household.
I don't understand why he's claiming it's not fair on his daughters if he's living between two houses. Surely they're at his house on his contact days and he comes to you when they're at their mother's?
It sounds as if you're doing really well on your own and the only person who will benefit is him - he'll save on rent and reap all the benefits of your more secure financial situation - leaving your daughter in a cramped and noisy home just as she's going into important years at school.
If he was the last man on earth - I really wouldn't!
You know what they say - a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.

And stop saying you feel selfish! It's not your job to provide him with cheap living and free housekeeping.

Listen to your instincts they are there for a reason. I wished have listened to mine. I lasted a year of feeling like a lodger in my own home before I snapped. The day the move on van turned up I felt sick with it. You have got time and it is a big change. Obviously everyone is different but please listen to yourself first.

@MillieMooBee

I should say that he'll keep his house until the rental agreement is up in august. I guess that gives me time to be sure. Same for him.

Have you actually discussed this with the children?

How do they get on?

OP stopped the move already 🎉

This was me & my OH. Living between two houses meant that although I enjoyed the time just me & DD, I did miss him & his 2 DC. DD & I moved into his house though (he owns his, I rented mine) & honestly it's financially put me in a better position which I'm grateful for but also has obviously been an adjustment for myself & DD. Take your time with it. Talk to your DH about your worries (he sounds really understanding). Take time out for yourself & for yourself & your DD. Blending families takes time but if you both want it, by the sounds of things you do, you'll make it work. Good luck.

Good idea you’ve cancelled the van. I think you’d grow to resent them as it sounds like you’re not ready yet. You’ll know when it’s right but it’s clearly not yet.

OP how are you doing 🌺