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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Fed up of not being listened to

120 replies

Tizanz · 22/02/2021 21:01

Hello All, very new here but I don't really have anyone else to turn to for advice.

My boyfriend and I have been together for 7 years with a couple of split ups along the way.

I know when I go through it in my own head I'm answering my own questions but then he makes me feel like I'm going mad when I voice them and even tells me so.

This might sound pathetic but I need more from him, more romance, more attention in bed, more interest in my life. I feel as though I pay a lot of interest in all of his hobbies, interests and day to day life and I feel I don't get it in return.

We live together and I do most of the cooking, before valentines he asked me what I wanted. I said nothing, but one thing I would really love is if you would cook something for me, he doesn't love being in the kitchen like me but he can cook when he trys. He just couldn't do it, on the day he said he felt ill he said he would do it the next day but didn't and promised to do it the next day and still didn't, I even said I would send him some recipes or something. Later in the week I got home from work a little late for lunch and he had arrived early and he had just cooked for himself. I break my balls near everyday to make sure there is a hot lunch on the table for him when he gets back from work. So after valentines this upset me even further.

I just feel like he doesn't care about my wants and needs and when I voice them he calls me complicated, dramatic, needy and tonight that I'm fucked in the head.

I'm about to embarke on a huge project investing in land and creating a retreat and he has refused to be involved, saying he doesn't have time.

Feels like everything I do wether it be family matters, movies, music, TV shows, books he just shows 0 interest.

Again when I do bring things up he stonewalls me for a couple of days first, I start by talking, getting upset that he doesn't understand and then angry. 😒😑😤😐

OP posts:
Tizanz · 25/02/2021 14:15

@BlueThistles thank you for that so kind. I'm currently snuggled up on the sofa with my best friends (the dogs) I'm planning to go out later and buy myself something nice for dinner.

I'm in shock I've allowed this to go on and on all the time whilst pretending to be happy and that I am satisfied.

Thank you again, it means a lot.

OP posts:
Tizanz · 25/02/2021 15:14

He sends me a message to say; Hope you are ok, and really sorry because sometimes I cant find the words, or the best words when you are upset with me. Im not a manipulator person, just Im stupid. Thats all.

I'm being manipulated into thinking he is stupid

OP posts:
Haffiana · 25/02/2021 15:30

@Tizanz

He sends me a message to say; Hope you are ok, and really sorry because sometimes I cant find the words, or the best words when you are upset with me. Im not a manipulator person, just Im stupid. Thats all.

I'm being manipulated into thinking he is stupid

You are being manipulated into thinking that the issue is the one argument that he is referring to. It isn't. It is your whole relationship.
Wanderlusto · 25/02/2021 15:33

@Tizanz

He sends me a message to say; Hope you are ok, and really sorry because sometimes I cant find the words, or the best words when you are upset with me. Im not a manipulator person, just Im stupid. Thats all.

I'm being manipulated into thinking he is stupid

Pretty much. Good thing you can see it now.

He'll be making out you are mean next for not forgiving his 'thoughtless little mistakes'.

As for that 'attachment style' bs...I'm sure it has its place and times where it is relevant (maybe early in daring when trying to find someone suitable to you). But not in this relationship. Behaviour is acceptable or it isnt and his selfish shitty behaviour is down right not acceptable. It has nothing to do with his style of attachment and everything to do with him just being a selfish dick.

Dont be distracted by mumbo jumbo or his manipulations. He is a waste and you'll be well shot of him.

Eckhart · 25/02/2021 15:39

@Tizanz

He sends me a message to say; Hope you are ok, and really sorry because sometimes I cant find the words, or the best words when you are upset with me. Im not a manipulator person, just Im stupid. Thats all.

I'm being manipulated into thinking he is stupid

But he is stupid.

He thinks he can fool you.

He can't.

Did I post the abuse cycle thing before?

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cycle_of_abuse

You're on step 3.

I cant find the words, or the best words when you are upset with me

So, if he took responsibility in upsetting you, he wouldn't have to find words, would he? He's stupid enough to create a situation he is too stupid for... Confused

Eckhart · 25/02/2021 15:39

He's annoying me, now!

TheSilveryPussycat · 25/02/2021 16:18

I notice he wanted a reward for doing things for you - he wanted you to "relax" with him, by which, I imagine, he meant sex.

I was married for far too long to someone who never did anything nice for me, nor did he take work seriously, He dealt in old records (filling up the house with them), and more recently he dealt in stamps (filling up the living room floor with stamp hinges). Neither generated much of an income. And wouldn't share doing housework.

Anyway, what I was going to say is that when I said I wanted more fun, he took this to mean more sex Hmm

BlueThistles · 25/02/2021 16:29

I notice he wanted a reward for doing things for you - he wanted you to "relax" with him, by which, I imagine, he meant sex.

yes I thought this too 🙄

Eckhart · 25/02/2021 16:40

I thought he just meant for OP to stop getting pissed off with him? ie 'surpress your feelings for my convenience'/'surpress your feelings because I don't like them'.

harknesswitch · 25/02/2021 16:49

So he offers to do the cooking for you following weeks of nastiness and he attaches strings.

You want him to do one thing for you and he can't do it. You cook for him EVERY night. He lives in your house, you pay more for everything.

He offers you nothing yet expects a cleaner and cook and to have sex on tap.

He shows you no interest what so ever. You know why? Because he's not interested and is happy just the way things are.

He's now realising you're at the end of your tether so starting to try and being you round, he's seeing his nice cushy life disappearing, so needs to drag you back in. Make no mistake, he'll go back to normal when he's reeled you back in. Don't fall for it.

Tizanz · 25/02/2021 17:49

@Eckhart

I thought he just meant for OP to stop getting pissed off with him? ie 'surpress your feelings for my convenience'/'surpress your feelings because I don't like them'.
Yes he did mean relax by me stop wanting too much from him, to stop judging him for everything he doesn't do and to be more like him.

Of course he wants more sex he also used this against me by say we'll your not the only want who wants more, I want more sex but I don't beat on you to do it, and I'm like yes BECAUSE we HAVE sex that's the point but I get non of the stuff I want in and out of the bedroom either.

OP posts:
Navilana · 25/02/2021 17:54

OP, he's gone for a few days. His priority is.. how do you call it? Suck up to you, so nothing changes for him, before the weekend's over. And if anything changes, then it needs to be to his benefit, in his opinion. Otherwise you're still beneath him and his godly attention, in his mind.

(in my mind, Niecy Nash just told you to "take off your blindfolds and open your eyes!“)

You cannot unsee what you've seen these last few weeks. And you need to make sure that, what you see in the future, is different. With him, it'll be impossible.

Why not block him for the days he's gone. Gather his things. Read your thread over and over. This isn't on you. Really, it is not.

It should be easier to cut him loose after the weekend. The whole "bad relationship" can be handled in your head, with us, or with friends, a counsellor... after you have made him leave.

You get over a break up after the break up, IYSWIM.

Tizanz · 25/02/2021 18:12

@Navilana

OP, he's gone for a few days. His priority is.. how do you call it? Suck up to you, so nothing changes for him, before the weekend's over. And if anything changes, then it needs to be to his benefit, in his opinion. Otherwise you're still beneath him and his godly attention, in his mind.

(in my mind, Niecy Nash just told you to "take off your blindfolds and open your eyes!“)

You cannot unsee what you've seen these last few weeks. And you need to make sure that, what you see in the future, is different. With him, it'll be impossible.

Why not block him for the days he's gone. Gather his things. Read your thread over and over. This isn't on you. Really, it is not.

It should be easier to cut him loose after the weekend. The whole "bad relationship" can be handled in your head, with us, or with friends, a counsellor... after you have made him leave.

You get over a break up after the break up, IYSWIM.

Very true thank you, I am reading this thread over and over as there so much advice and constructive criticism I need to take it all in.

It's over in my head and I just have to see it through, I will, I can.

I won't spend the weekend gathering his things, I won't waste my energy packing his shit, he can come and do it for himself and absorb all the pain I have had to deal with.

Tomorrow being Friday I would normally go and get us a sushi take away and a nice bottle of red but forget that I've been out and got it for ME today and a big bucket of ice cream. I'm good. I feel like I've cried and complained enough and I'm drained now.

I'm about to settle down to a book which another poster recommended, too good to leave, too bad to stay.

Thank you all again so much. I'm going to continue to read this thread over the next few days and will post an update in a few days.

Thank you again from my ❤

OP posts:
Isthisit22 · 25/02/2021 18:21

So glad you are finished with him. You deserve do much better than having to beg a man for over a week to cook you a meal. Don't cave in and start a new, happier life for yourself

Eckhart · 25/02/2021 18:27

Have you heard of www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/the-blog?

It helped me build my backbone, and it's pretty easy to read, and shortish posts, so it's good to dip in and out of. It's very validating.

Tizanz · 25/02/2021 18:44

@Eckhart

Have you heard of www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/the-blog?

It helped me build my backbone, and it's pretty easy to read, and shortish posts, so it's good to dip in and out of. It's very validating.

This looks good, will give it a go thanks 😊
OP posts:
Tizanz · 01/03/2021 19:54

Hello everyone. My time to think things over has come to an end and he will return tomorrow and to be honest I am still no clearer about what to do. I didn’t see him since Thursday and he has contacted me on Friday to say “I apologize for not being sufficiently attentive to our relationship and not being attentive to you and what fills you, needs and wants from me” to which I replied actins speak louder than words and he hasn’t contacted me since. In a way its exactly what I wanted, no contact and some peace and quiet for a few days.
Ive enjoyed my 5 days alone, missed the company a bit but I’ve been keeping myself entertained.
He hasn’t done something so bad like cheated that I could throw him out right away, in a way maybe it would be better but its time to own up to my true self and what I need and expect, part of me wants to believe I can get that from him but I know in my heart this just goes around in circles and we end back up here in 3-6 months.
I honestly don’t even feel like discussing it with him when he gets back, its ground me down so much that I just surrender and then in 3 months when it happens again my energy is back and im raring to go.
I cant imagine life without him, even though he doesn’t really add much value to my life.

OP posts:
TheSilveryPussycat · 01/03/2021 23:06

You do need to take time to imagine what your future could be. I gave up on my Ex after far too long, for a long time I hoped and believed things could be better, but eventually realised that my hopes were mere pie in the sky, and that he would never change.

This may seem an awful thing to suggest, but what would happen should he die suddenly? How and where would you live? (This is, of course, not actually wishing him to die.)

goody2shooz · 02/03/2021 09:30

Well, good luck. He won’t change, but you know that. He’ll say x and y to keep you onside, and this whole sorry saga will carry on, you paying the price - emotionally as well as financially - for this miserable relationship.

Navilana · 02/03/2021 23:01

Indeed, he hasn't cheated. You should probably, according to him, be counting your lucky stars for that Hmm Agreed, he keeps you company, somewhat. Doing what exactly, other than be in the same house with you? Oh and don't forget, he makes the rules for that, too. Confused

This whole... Vicious circle you've got going here, does that make your relationship good? Valued? Equal?

I'm slightly worried you haven't figured out yet it is a relationship you miss... Not one with him.

Until you do, you're right, nothing will change and you will find yourself in a matter of time, exactly here.. With words, but no actions, not even coming from you Sad

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