Fed up of not being listened to

[Tizanz]

Hello All, very new here but I don't really have anyone else to turn to for advice.

My boyfriend and I have been together for 7 years with a couple of split ups along the way.

I know when I go through it in my own head I'm answering my own questions but then he makes me feel like I'm going mad when I voice them and even tells me so.

This might sound pathetic but I need more from him, more romance, more attention in bed, more interest in my life. I feel as though I pay a lot of interest in all of his hobbies, interests and day to day life and I feel I don't get it in return.

We live together and I do most of the cooking, before valentines he asked me what I wanted. I said nothing, but one thing I would really love is if you would cook something for me, he doesn't love being in the kitchen like me but he can cook when he trys. He just couldn't do it, on the day he said he felt ill he said he would do it the next day but didn't and promised to do it the next day and still didn't, I even said I would send him some recipes or something. Later in the week I got home from work a little late for lunch and he had arrived early and he had just cooked for himself. I break my balls near everyday to make sure there is a hot lunch on the table for him when he gets back from work. So after valentines this upset me even further.

I just feel like he doesn't care about my wants and needs and when I voice them he calls me complicated, dramatic, needy and tonight that I'm fucked in the head.

I'm about to embarke on a huge project investing in land and creating a retreat and he has refused to be involved, saying he doesn't have time.

Feels like everything I do wether it be family matters, movies, music, TV shows, books he just shows 0 interest.

Again when I do bring things up he stonewalls me for a couple of days first, I start by talking, getting upset that he doesn't understand and then angry. 😒😑😤😐

This might sound pathetic but I need more from him

This attitude is your problem.

And this:

I just want some romance and attention and I get next to nothing, even now writing this I feel like a pathetic little girl

You want him to make you feel that your feelings are valid, but you yourself are calling your feelings 'pathetic'.

I don't think he's going to change, but you can; and you must, otherwise you will be writing this post again in 20 years.

The reason he makes you feel like you're going bananas (and act a bit like it sometimes) is because the bit of you that screams with frustration all the time, due to your needs being constantly minimised, that scream sometimes comes out, and you can't control it. I bet it happens over really small things too, doesn't it? Seemingly insignificant things.

The thing is, and it's an important thing, that screaming voice is the real you. The frustration and acting a bit loon is the real you. That is the voice in you that needs to be heard. And it'll be the child-you, I bet. She'll have sat inside you, being shushed and silenced, and possibly having a similar relationship demonstrated to her by your parents, all your life. There's no wonder she's pissed off, really, is there. She's got a really good point. When he silences you, minimises you, invalidates you, she's the one who stands there saying some equivalent of 'FUCK YOU, BUDDY!', isn't she.

So, start listening to her. Not him. I mean, you don't have to do what she says; if she wants to break the lamp over his head, don't do it, but listen to the message in those urges. The inner you thinks that this person deserves to have lamps broken over his head, due to the way he speaks to you (for example)

Stop invalidating your own anger. Our emotions are signposts. If someone makes you feel like you're going mad, that's the time to take your sanity elsewhere. If someone makes you feel like a fabulous you, that's the person to marry or spend loads of time with.

Don't try to change your emotions to suit the person you're with; change the person you're with to suit your emotions.

Once you start listening to your shouty-angry-little-bit-nuts inner self, she will calm down; just like you would, really quickly, if he started listening properly to you. She will start saying good things to you, she will be pleased with you for respecting her, she will become your self respect.

This poor relationship you're having with this man is representative of the poor relationship you're having with yourself. You can't change him; don't try. He is a waste of your time. Spend all your time listening to you from now on.

@Eckhart

This might sound pathetic but I need more from him

This attitude is your problem.

And this:

I just want some romance and attention and I get next to nothing, even now writing this I feel like a pathetic little girl

You want him to make you feel that your feelings are valid, but you yourself are calling your feelings 'pathetic'.

I don't think he's going to change, but you can; and you must, otherwise you will be writing this post again in 20 years.

The reason he makes you feel like you're going bananas (and act a bit like it sometimes) is because the bit of you that screams with frustration all the time, due to your needs being constantly minimised, that scream sometimes comes out, and you can't control it. I bet it happens over really small things too, doesn't it? Seemingly insignificant things.

The thing is, and it's an important thing, that screaming voice is the real you. The frustration and acting a bit loon is the real you. That is the voice in you that needs to be heard. And it'll be the child-you, I bet. She'll have sat inside you, being shushed and silenced, and possibly having a similar relationship demonstrated to her by your parents, all your life. There's no wonder she's pissed off, really, is there. She's got a really good point. When he silences you, minimises you, invalidates you, she's the one who stands there saying some equivalent of 'FUCK YOU, BUDDY!', isn't she.

So, start listening to her. Not him. I mean, you don't have to do what she says; if she wants to break the lamp over his head, don't do it, but listen to the message in those urges. The inner you thinks that this person deserves to have lamps broken over his head, due to the way he speaks to you (for example)

Stop invalidating your own anger. Our emotions are signposts. If someone makes you feel like you're going mad, that's the time to take your sanity elsewhere. If someone makes you feel like a fabulous you, that's the person to marry or spend loads of time with.

Don't try to change your emotions to suit the person you're with; change the person you're with to suit your emotions.

Once you start listening to your shouty-angry-little-bit-nuts inner self, she will calm down; just like you would, really quickly, if he started listening properly to you. She will start saying good things to you, she will be pleased with you for respecting her, she will become your self respect.

This poor relationship you're having with this man is representative of the poor relationship you're having with yourself. You can't change him; don't try. He is a waste of your time. Spend all your time listening to you from now on.

This is amazing, thank you. I need to read it over and over.

Ekheart, I don’t know if you are a therapist irl, but you should be. Brilliant post.

It's what I learned after a year of counselling. The other thing, if all I wrote above made sense to you and your amazing inner (and sometimes a bit outer) anger...

There is 100% nothing wrong with you. Anybody who tells you that you are too sensitive/too angry/too needy/ too x y or z, they are saying that you are too x y or z for them. BUT: you are always the exact right amount of x y and z for you. Always always. If your levels of x y and z are not to somebody's liking, then that person is not to your liking. Do not change yourself. Change your people and your surroundings, until you are consistently with people who want you just as you are.

"I think we should take a break"

Those aren't the words you need though. You've spent seven years breaking up and getting back together. Doing that again isn't going to magically change anything.

His list of all the reasons you should be thankful for him is basically him telling you how much he’s willing to put into the relationship. Having a starting point of “you could do worse” is giving himself a really low bar to hit. Not drinking or smoking? Wowzers! It is possible to be in a successful relationship with someone who drinks and smokes and be left feeling like your a needy harridan always pestering for attention.

He’s not going to change and this is as much as he’s ever going to give you and that’s ok. That’s his choice. Similarly, it’s your choice if you accept it. It sounds like your relationship is modelled to suit him. You’ve squashed yourself down to suit him so why would he want to change anything? It’s exactly what he wants. What about what you want?

It is ok to end a relationship because it doesn’t fulfil you.

Relationships should bring you joy and happiness. They should lift your spirits not grind you down. If he can’t meet your emotional needs then he doesn’t get to be part of your life.

You say you love him but you need to love yourself more. Listen to your inner voice and start living your life as you want.

A huge thank you to all posting. Your Posts honestly make me feel stronger and and I am reading them over and over. Everything that everyone has said is 100% true my feelings are valid and he won't validate them.

Eckhart I second the PP who said you could be an irl therapist.

I'm going to put your words into a notepad and read them every time I need to acknowledge my anger/hurt. Very powerful and very true. Thank you for that, even if I'm not the OP

Tizanz Stay strong, unbind yourself from him. This is not the relationship that will fullfill you

@Navilana

Eckhart I second the PP who said you could be an irl therapist.

I'm going to put your words into a notepad and read them every time I need to acknowledge my anger/hurt. Very powerful and very true. Thank you for that, even if I'm not the OP

Tizanz Stay strong, unbind yourself from him. This is not the relationship that will fullfill you

Thank you very much, I hope this thread can also help others.

Can’t top @Eckhart insightful post, but would like to add the oldie-but-goodie...’if you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got’. Definitely time to get rid of that man, and keep him gone this time! 💐

I had to split with someone last week. Found it much easier to do over the phone.

Planned what I was going to day and said it.
Could you do that? Maybe even write a quick script/bullet points for what you need to say? (Though best to keep it short) And refuse to meet him in person because he will not want to manipulate you.

*will only want to

You need a split that is permanent. he shows you everyday that he doesn't think you are worthy or your family. Move on!

@Wanderlusto

I had to split with someone last week. Found it much easier to do over the phone.

Planned what I was going to day and said it.
Could you do that? Maybe even write a quick script/bullet points for what you need to say? (Though best to keep it short) And refuse to meet him in person because he will not want to manipulate you.

Unfortunately not, we live together and he doesn't have anywhere to go, I could not just kick him out. It would take time.

I'm going to take the next few days to take everything on board. For a long time I've had a time limit on our relationship in mind and its getting closer to I suppose all these things are highlighted by myself much more. I believe in giving people the benefit of the doubt but he's proving me wrong over and over, he's a good guy bit not my guy.

I had a dream last night and immediately had to write it down;

He had purchased 2 tigers and brought them home with out asking. A male and a female. I was very scared and asked him to reconsider as I wasn't comfortable with them. He refused and said I must learn to adjust to them. The boy tiger had been trained and was very good with me but the girl tiger absolutely hated me but adored him. I had to tip toe around her so she wouldn't get upset. He had to go away for a few days and I said he needed to take the tigers also. When I got home I found he had taken male but not the female and messaged me to say I must bond with her. I didnt she was awful, aggressive and nearly ate me several times.
When he got home he punished her by pulling all her lips back showing her bare teeth and shouting over and over that she must be nice to me. It didn't work and I carried on being scared. In the end I started sleeping in the garage as I was too scared to enter the house and he said it was all my fault and it was me who needed to be stronger, more direct and finally change.

I dont dream very often but thought I would share that with you as it seems very connected to the situation I'm going through in real life.

@Wanderlusto

I had to split with someone last week. Found it much easier to do over the phone.

Planned what I was going to day and said it.
Could you do that? Maybe even write a quick script/bullet points for what you need to say? (Though best to keep it short) And refuse to meet him in person because he will not want to manipulate you.

Ladies and Gents (if any?) We were talking again tonight as he wants to know why I am being "a bitch" (his words) to him. I said I'm going to explain one last time. I need more affection, more conversation, more romance, more interest, more positive. He picks out and grounds down my every last word. "Oh you want to be positive? Take a look in the mirror your not bring very positive are you???"

Even if he might back down and say I didn't know how much me cooking a meal for you meant to you, now I understand and just for you I'll do it.

No he's got to captain hard Rock.

Am I asking too much from him? Is this just men in general?

I said I think I deserve a man... and he cut me off and mimicked me.

What I was going to say is I think I deserve a man who would go to the end of the earth to do things to make me happy without me "asking" for what I want.

I dont want to blow my own trumpet but I think I'm a fairly good catch, no ties, no debts, a good job, independent, tidy home, I cook, clean, love his son and go out of my way for him.

Am I just fucking in fairy tale land and what I want doesnt exist of what?????

I'm about to loose my mind.

Ugh. He's a gaslighting, stonewalling fucker who does not care about you at all.

Things will only get worse.

He's supposed to love you! Certainly doesn't act like it.

Cut your losses and start over. He doesn't deserve you.

Can I suggest that you simply say ‘this relationship isn’t working for me’ - and refuse to discuss it any further. He knows perfectly well why you want to split - after all, you’ve told him over and over. Just proves he doesn’t care enough to listen, as YOU KNOW - cos that’s what you titled your post didn’t you? The current arrangement suits HIM so he wants the situation not to change. You are miserable, so don’t waste time arguing. You’re not a bitch, you’re right to end it and take charge of improving YOUR life. A dog would appreciate you a whole lot more.

@goody2shooz

Can I suggest that you simply say ‘this relationship isn’t working for me’ - and refuse to discuss it any further. He knows perfectly well why you want to split - after all, you’ve told him over and over. Just proves he doesn’t care enough to listen, as YOU KNOW - cos that’s what you titled your post didn’t you? The current arrangement suits HIM so he wants the situation not to change. You are miserable, so don’t waste time arguing. You’re not a bitch, you’re right to end it and take charge of improving YOUR life. A dog would appreciate you a whole lot more.

It's a good suggestion and my head and heart are at war and telling me different things.

Tonight he has come to me and said OK, ill do it, I'll cook you a meal, BUT you have to chill out with me.

I started by saying so why has it taken you the best part of 1 week to throw loads of shit in my face like I'm a roller coaster, a bitch, sick in the head, materialistic to come and say that if you could of said that in the moment non of this would of happened he retaliated again and said he can't do right for wrong and I've just had a massive anxiety attack.i couldn't breath and had to lay on the cold bathroom floor for an hour to sort myself out.

I told him I need time out now and that he is visiting his parents for the next 4 days this is a great time to do it.

‘Ok I’ll do it’. After a week of nastiness too. Tell your heart to stfu and use your head.

Not a nice man. No cherish in him. You'll not find better while you're with him and he is not going to change. Why would he?

You know what to do OP. You can’t change him. You can only change you.

You're almost 40, OP. And you've spent good years of your life with someone who doesn't cherish or love you. Why?

Why are you not more angry that someone can disrespect you this way, not meet your needs, insult you, make the most of your hospitality - basically treat you like a glorified servant??

This is tough love here, and I'm sorry but you need to hear it. You need to stop thinking that you don't deserve more, that you don't deserve someone who genuinely cares about your happiness, contributes to your life, and makes it easier. I wouldn't even say he is a good man! He is rude, entitled, and a user - a good, kind man does not ignore what you've asked of him - whether it's making an effort with your parents, or cooking you a meal. Frankly, he's a piece of shit who is exploiting your fear of being alone.

Please dump him. He is a grown man with an income, and can EASILY find somewhere to rent, or he can stay with friends/family, or a hotel. You are not responsible for him, and shouldn't stay one minute longer. He has wasted good years, and is continuing to do so - and you should get rid of him without worrying about his welfare. You are NOT his carer.

You get one life, and you don't want to be towards the end feeling bitter and regretful that you have no nice memories, and have never experienced what it's like to be loved and cared for. Don't do that to yourself. You're still young, dump this loser, then go live your best life focusing only on you for a change, pampering you, being kind to you. You will absolutely be ok without him.

Also, you don't get awards for being a saint, and a martyr. Actually you lose respect from people if they realise they can treat you like dirt, and get away with it. It's this weird notion women have - that the more effort they put in, the more they kill themselves trying to be perfect, the more they love - the more they will be loved.

All that does it show the person, you don't have boundaries or high self esteem, and so they can do whatever they want. So in future relationships, stop putting more in than you get - let someone else chase after you and look after you, and put the effort in.

The only way out is to leave. And never look back.

Him having 'nowhere' to go... is really His problem OP not yours...

He should have considered this possibility when he continued to treat you like simply a provider to all his needs right 🌺