Fed up of not being listened to

[Tizanz]

Hello All, very new here but I don't really have anyone else to turn to for advice.

My boyfriend and I have been together for 7 years with a couple of split ups along the way.

I know when I go through it in my own head I'm answering my own questions but then he makes me feel like I'm going mad when I voice them and even tells me so.

This might sound pathetic but I need more from him, more romance, more attention in bed, more interest in my life. I feel as though I pay a lot of interest in all of his hobbies, interests and day to day life and I feel I don't get it in return.

We live together and I do most of the cooking, before valentines he asked me what I wanted. I said nothing, but one thing I would really love is if you would cook something for me, he doesn't love being in the kitchen like me but he can cook when he trys. He just couldn't do it, on the day he said he felt ill he said he would do it the next day but didn't and promised to do it the next day and still didn't, I even said I would send him some recipes or something. Later in the week I got home from work a little late for lunch and he had arrived early and he had just cooked for himself. I break my balls near everyday to make sure there is a hot lunch on the table for him when he gets back from work. So after valentines this upset me even further.

I just feel like he doesn't care about my wants and needs and when I voice them he calls me complicated, dramatic, needy and tonight that I'm fucked in the head.

I'm about to embarke on a huge project investing in land and creating a retreat and he has refused to be involved, saying he doesn't have time.

Feels like everything I do wether it be family matters, movies, music, TV shows, books he just shows 0 interest.

Again when I do bring things up he stonewalls me for a couple of days first, I start by talking, getting upset that he doesn't understand and then angry. 😒😑😤😐

@Tizanz

In our chat tonight I just run out of steam to keep explaining myself over and over. Its on the tip of my tongue "I think we should take a break" but I cant quite bring myself to say it.

I love him, I want to be with him but I cant accept less than what I desire.

For the love of God lassie, how many people telling you you're wasting your time and he's a prick will it take?

You. Do. Not. Love. HIM.

You love some imaginary version of him that you've somehow fixed in your brain, and this imaginary version of him somehow manages to override what your eyes see, what your ears hear, and your crushing sense of disappointment in how he treats you. grinding you into the ground.

You are holding on to the hope that in one of your lengthy conversations you are going to find the words to make him acknowledge that you are right. That's not going to happen.

You don't need to justify your unhappiness to him. You don't need his approval to feel what you are feeling.

The relationship is a source of pain and hassle for you. End it as swiftly as possible. I know it's scary but you will be happier on your own.

He's got it made with you OP.. He aint changing... He's happy as Larry and giving feck all back in return...

meanwhile ...

you're being gaslighted.. manipulated.. he is minimising denying and blaming you.. its emotionally abusive.. making you doubt yourself .. making you feel like everything is your fault ..you are imagining it.. you feel like you are going crazy... it's all Him..

classic abuse red flags..

get him out

@Tizanz look up attachment styles. It sounds like you're anxious and he is avoidant, which is a difficult combination. Even if you break up with him it would be really helpful for you to know what your attachment style is and think about what the causes of it are, before getting into another relationship.

Did he move into your house?

There's something chillingly parasitic about him. He's sucking the life out of you and happily playing on your emotions, keeping you off balance so he can continue feeding.

You say you love him. Like the pp above, I think you love the man you imagine him to be. You don't love who he actually is - how could you?

Does he benefit financially from your relationship? Cheaper living with you than on his own? You cook for him, have sex with him every 3 days. You're the staff, not a partner. You're convenient. He is a parasite, taking without giving.

Does anybody else think you're a bitch (or anything similar)? Do you feel like you're going crazy around anybody else, or just him? I think I know the answers to those questions. I think it's just around him, and everybody else in your life thinks you're really nice, and you have nice relationships with them. Is that true?

Am I asking too much from him? Is this just men in general

Who gives a crap? Let's use the example of a shop: You go into a shop, and all the products are rubbish. They don't have anything you need, the staff are rude, and the shop looks and smells dirty. What do you do? Are you honestly going to say that you stand there feeling worried that perhaps all shops are like this, and maybe you have to do your shopping here every week even though you hate it, and maybe it's just your inability to judge shops properly that's the problem? I think that you'd just walk out, wouldn't you? And then you consider your other options.

If you think all men are like this, then don't have a relationship with one. Why do you think you need to?

@Leafpile I will look up attachment styles thank you, the must be something seriously wrong with my style if that's what I'm willing to hang onto for life and limb.

@DownTownAbbey yes he did move back into my house for the 2nd time around. I pay 80% or the rent as he doesn't earn as much as me and has his child to pay for. I wouldn't be able to say anything like that to him as he has an hours commute to work every morning and says he's does that because he wants to be with me. That he can cook, clean and do everything for himself and that wouldn't change his love for me.

@Eckhart yes you are correct but he tells me that's my fault, that I use him as a punching bag and I don't speak to anyone else in life that way. If my boss for example upsets me I don't fly off the handle with him and say your not giving me enough, I say that me and my boss have a nice give and tale relationship so there is no need for me to do that and I'm also not sleeping with my boss you are my partner.

The shop example is good. You are right, I would never go back to that shop.

I dont need a man, everything I've done an achieved I got here myself.

One thing I am questioning myself over is last night he said ok ill do it, ok ill cook you a meal, but you must relax with me. Why can't I just accept that and save the relationship? That's my question to myself as I know that's what he is thinking. I cant because we have put each other through a week of hell when at the start if he could of just said I didn't know how much that would mean to you all of this could of been over in an instant.

I have a huge emotional hangover this morning, last night i slept on the couch. He has gone to his parents for the next 4 days so I have some time to recover and compose myself and when he comes back I'm ready to tell him to leave.

Not many people take advice that's given in dreams. But I think your dream might be giving you a look into your future. I had exhausting, harrowing nightmares while with my ex. I wrote them down and started looking up key words in a dream dictionary.

While you examine dreams, it's almost impossible not to learn about your "soul/psyche". I learned a lot about the behaviour of my ex, but also the nagging feeling you have when you know something is not right. I mostly learned about myself and what I stand for. My intuition was being ridiculed to the extent I thought I was going insane.

Then I found out all the stuff I was fearing, was actually real and even worse.

It gave me the strength to walk my own path. Please walk your own path, too. Your partner is sucking you dry on every level.

What happens when you are miserable every second of every day 😑?

Life is never a fairytale. Life and love are flawed, but not to the extent that you have to change or erase every aspect of yourself.

I don't know who said this ages ago on MN. In a relationship where you can not feel like yourself, choose you.

(Sorry for the essay)

@Navilana thank you and no need to be sorry, I am really enjoying reading all of the replies its helping me very much. You are right I need to choose me.

I've had to take the day off work today to recover.

Go gentle on yourself, yes 👏🏼!

And when you feel like you can, start gathering his stuff before he returns from his trip to his parents. He can pick them up and preferably as quickly as possible, so he doesn't have to spend more time at your place and perhaps try to undermine your decision.

Clearing out might even give you some moments to mourn the relationship already. And this helps, because it really is okay to end things with him.

Gentle hugs to you, take care of yourself today

One thing I am questioning myself over is last night he said ok ill do it, ok ill cook you a meal, but you must relax with me. Why can't I just accept that and save the relationship

OK. Imagine that he was physically violent with you. I know he isn't, but go with the analogy. Imagine that you had a black eye from the abuse. And then he said 'I'll cook you a meal, but you have to be nice to me.' Would the black eye go away?

@Eckhart no, no it wouldn't. He is wrong, I know it, I feel it, I breath it. He shouldn't have to even use the word BUT as if there needs to be some compromise from my side. If you be nice ill do it, it you stop acting up ill consider marrying you.

I'm done in, need some time to recover and start a new journey.

I thank everyone so much for all of your replies and help, every single one you who has taken time out of busy schedules to read my woes and respond. From the bottom of my heart I thank you.

Here I am again now thinking hang on, this IS my fault, it's due to my attachment style. So if make the changes surely we can save the relationship and my attachment style will expect less from him.

I have a horrible horrible feeling this is all my fault.

OP, even if he wasn't a gaslighting passive aggressive dickhead, you are people with different views of what a relationship should be. You don't need to change yourself to make yourself more into his version. You need to be with someone better matched. Read Eckhart's posts again. If the answer to all of your relationship problems is you changing or him changing, it's already fucked and it's not going to work. It's not about fault. Even if it was, so fucking what? It's all your fault so what your punishment is disappearing as a person so you can be mocked and gaslit for the rest of your life.

Fault isn't a thing which gives you the right to break up with someone. It's just a boring detour into everyone's grievances. He doesn't have to be at fault for you to have the right to walk away. You just have the right to walk away as an adult making decisions about how she wants to live her life.

If you really want to be with him then you need to regain your power. You need to be the bitch now and stop doing things for him. He's well and truly taking you for granted. He needs to be kept on his toes. You're not a slave, you're a team. Until he starts playing the part then just do things for yourself. Sounds like he needs things shaking up and a reality check that there's other men out there for you

My current partner including all my ex's have been incredibly loyal and worshiped the ground I walked on, I could count on my hands how many times I've bloody cooked for them or taken the burden of everything.

Read "Why men love bitches"
It's not just about dating, it talks about marriages too.

Why do you even want to be with him, he sounds absolutely horrible, he speaks down to you, calls you names - not once in any of your updates does he show himself to be a decent person.

He actually sounds like he actively dislikes you, but enjoys the convenience of someone who will run around after him.

I just...really don't understand what you're getting out of this at all. He's not going to give you what you need. That's not your fault. Your only fault here is thinking that you are the problem, that somehow you are defective - and HE has trained you to think that way, to not as for more.

Please. This isn't you fault. End this relationship and learn to love yourself.

@Tizanz

Do you have children together?

Do you own the house together or have a joint rental agreement?

If the answer is no to all of the above;tell him not to bother coming back from his parents house.

"He tells me he would marry me if I stopped being such a roller coaster"

Never going to happen because he likes stringing you along.

It really is him and not you;I'm guessing there's an ex or two out there who's also has the same awful treatment you have.

Even if he was perfect he is not the guy for you. Everyone needs something different and you need a different guy. Let him off to find someone who doesn't care about his lack of interest. He doesn't get to decide what you need. Only you can decide that. So it doesn't even need to come down to someone's fault. But he was horribly mean about the cooking on Valentine's Day!!
Don't spend any more time discussing it or thinking it over and over. Let him off and enjoy your own life.

@Tizanz

Here I am again now thinking hang on, this IS my fault, it's due to my attachment style. So if make the changes surely we can save the relationship and my attachment style will expect less from him.

I have a horrible horrible feeling this is all my fault.

This is absolutely the heart of the matter. The thing is, the definition of your attachment style is that it makes you think that things are your fault.

It's not your fault because of your attachment style. Your attachment style dictates that it must, always be your fault. Whatever it is that's gone wrong, something inside you insists, every time, that it's somehow your fault. And he uses that.

The only fault you have is that you stay with him. None of the other ills in the relationship have anything to do with you. You know this anyway, because however you behave, whatever you try, he's still the same, isn't he?

The attachment style thing works like this:

a) insecure attachment stays in an unhealthy relationship and tries to blame themself and therefore feels the need to fix themself (so that they take all responsibility)
b) avoidant attachment can't handle emotional issues, and so, as soon as everything isn't perfect, they vanish or reverse blame (so that they don't have to take any responsiblility.
c) secure attachment takes the right amount of responsibility (ie, for their own actions, and not for the other person's) If they don't actively enjoy their partner's behaviour for any length of time, they leave.

That's pretty much it. You and your feller are a and b. It's the most toxic combination. If you want to assign blame, he is at the very least as faulty as you, attachment style wise. But he is pushing it to the very limits (abuse), which means that your attachment style is getting pushed to its limits too (blaming yourself for the fact that he is abusing you)

It really feels like you're RIGHT at the point of the massive realisation of what's really going on here. I've been where you are. And honestly, if you are at that point, I'm excited for you. It feels like shit, I know. But when the penny drops, and you realise that there's nothing wrong with you, so you don't deserve this treatment, it will pave the way into you becoming the woman of your dreams. The confident, self-possessed, contented, potential fulfilling you, that currently sits inside you, screaming to be let out of the cage you've got her in.

Absobloodyluptly I am the point of massive realisation.

Today I need to sooth myself, tomorrow is a new point of realisation.

Thank you thank you thank you

You're not compatible (to put things politely)

Yanbu to want someone with ambition to do projects and who will want to immerse themselves into your life.

He inbu to be happy with what he has and want a relationship where the people are more independent of each other.

You're both unreasonable to expect the other to be like yourself. You're unreasonable to expect him to change himself for you and he's unreasonable to expect you to change for him.

Your needs are as important as his and if he's not meeting them then that's a good reason to leave the relationship. Relationships should make your life better and happier.

checking in OP... how you doing today... its a massive shock to the system when you see whats happening to you .. what he has trained you to believe... 🌺