Fed up of not being listened to

[Tizanz]

Hello All, very new here but I don't really have anyone else to turn to for advice.

My boyfriend and I have been together for 7 years with a couple of split ups along the way.

I know when I go through it in my own head I'm answering my own questions but then he makes me feel like I'm going mad when I voice them and even tells me so.

This might sound pathetic but I need more from him, more romance, more attention in bed, more interest in my life. I feel as though I pay a lot of interest in all of his hobbies, interests and day to day life and I feel I don't get it in return.

We live together and I do most of the cooking, before valentines he asked me what I wanted. I said nothing, but one thing I would really love is if you would cook something for me, he doesn't love being in the kitchen like me but he can cook when he trys. He just couldn't do it, on the day he said he felt ill he said he would do it the next day but didn't and promised to do it the next day and still didn't, I even said I would send him some recipes or something. Later in the week I got home from work a little late for lunch and he had arrived early and he had just cooked for himself. I break my balls near everyday to make sure there is a hot lunch on the table for him when he gets back from work. So after valentines this upset me even further.

I just feel like he doesn't care about my wants and needs and when I voice them he calls me complicated, dramatic, needy and tonight that I'm fucked in the head.

I'm about to embarke on a huge project investing in land and creating a retreat and he has refused to be involved, saying he doesn't have time.

Feels like everything I do wether it be family matters, movies, music, TV shows, books he just shows 0 interest.

Again when I do bring things up he stonewalls me for a couple of days first, I start by talking, getting upset that he doesn't understand and then angry. 😒😑😤😐

@WhereYouLeftIt

"I know when I go through it in my own head I'm answering my own questions but then he makes me feel like I'm going mad when I voice them and even tells me so. " (my bolding) And that's as far as I needed to read to know that he is not worth your time. He tells you you're mad when you question the relationship? Bastard. Utter bastard.

And no, it does not sound pathetic to want some actual warmth from the person you call your boyfriend. It sounds normal. But he's drip, drip, dripped the 'pathetic' idea into you for seven years.

"He is a very very simple and lonely man, goes to work, comes home has lunch, goes to do his sports, comes home works on his video editing hobby and goes to bed. He doesn't want want want and is very content with his life and he has no clue or idea why I need or want more"
It is not that he has no clue, @Tizanz - it's that he has no interest in what you want, never mind why. He. Has. No. Interest.

I do not say this to hurt you, but to him you are nothing but a convenience. A domestic appliance to do the drudgework, leaving his time free for what he is interested in .

Please, value yourself more. You say "the thought of being alone fills me with dread". Being alone is considerably better than being with someone chipping away at your self-esteem. And who says splitting from him would mean you were alone anyway? You'll certainly never meet anyone else if you stay with him; ditch him and you might find someone who would actually care about you.

You do know what you need to do.

Love this, Thank you. I do get the bare basics of a relationship I think. A good morning text, a kiss when he comes home, a cuddle every now and again.

I just want him to "See" me more like if I say I've got a backache he could run me a bath and maybe a massage, or rip my socks off and give my feet a rub. He says I just need to tell him and he would do it and sometimes I do but it would be nice if he just did it. It's what I do for him.

If I've got a headache, could he come and ask me if I need some water or something like that but he doesn't, and when I complain about it he says then I should just ask and I he will do it.

Aghhhhhh feeling like I know what I need to do but somethings holding me back

Dont think if it as 'he could be someone much worse' (I mean,that's hardly a glowing review is it?) Think of it as, you could be with someone much better. And tbh,beingsingle is much better than being with the wrong person. Let alone a rotten one.

He is happy in this relationship because all his needs are being met, whereas your needs are different and so you're not happy, and no amount of him telling you you should be happy is going to change that.

@Wanderlusto

Dont think if it as 'he could be someone much worse' (I mean,that's hardly a glowing review is it?) Think of it as, you could be with someone much better. And tbh,beingsingle is much better than being with the wrong person. Let alone a rotten one.

That's a good way of putting it thank you, I believe it's about what you are willing and not willing to accept in a relationship and I can not and will not accept it but then I doubt myself for being too harsh and searching for perfection.

If he played more of a part in my life then I have no doubt we reached near perfection and I would ask for nothing more but he just can't do it and can't listen to it when I try to talk about it.

I'm not allowed to talk about the past either, giving any past examples of when I have felt that way.

A couple of weeks ago I said u needed to get out into the countryside which is one of our shared interests but he always leads the way or picks the route, this time I said no were going here, I want to go here. We got there and he didn't want to be there, he spent the whole time calling his mum and son for a chat. When I called him put he just said he wasn't into being there and he was tired from work.

He tells me over and over, why change anything. We are happy and that's when I'm like but but but I want, I need, I feel and he ends up making me feel pathetic.

He doesn't get to say whether you are happy or not! As to why he should change - Because you are unhappy.

But it would be no good explaining things, as it doesn't seem to him that you even have a point of view.

He's basically ignoring what you say. He won't change. If it helps, think of it as you being incompatible as a couple.

And living alone can be wonderful

@Tizanz I was in a similar situation until I separated earlier tis year. There were differences and added complications but a major factor was that my emotional needs were never met, yet he would manipulate me in ways similar to your partner so that I constantly questioned whether my feelings were justified. Meanwhile I would strive daily to make sure he had what he wanted so that he couldn't find any failing on my part to point to if I complained.

The result is that he got what he wanted for 20 years and I didn't.

Ultimately this man is not making you happy and you have given him all the time and energy needed for him to change if he wanted to or was capable of it.

IME being single can be lonely but it is also an enormous relief not to be locked in a pointless daily struggle questioning myself.

Why would he change anything? He has told you this, he doesn't see any reason to.

He will not give you "more" of him than what he gave you on your chosen walk.

He doesn't seem to need any input from you, while you're supposed to be in a relationship. What does that tell you?

Please give yourself the gentle reminder that you deserve a happy life. You will not have a fulfilling relationship with this tool.

You want him to be someone he just isn't. No amount of wishing or hoping or pleading or witchcraft will change him into that person and you will never find what you are looking for while you waste more years on him.

What would you advise a friend to do if she told you this is how she lives?

I think you see how one-sided this relationship is.

He says, "We're happy" but he is the only one who is happy. Why wouldn't he be when he gets all his needs met and doesn't have to lift a finger for it.

You've split with him before so you know you can do it.

All the caring and kindness you're giving to him, give it to yourself instead.

If you stay with him, this is all that it will ever be. Your needs won't be met and you'll continue to be disappointed.

If you leave, you'll have the chance to do what you want without his negativity and have the chance to meet someone who can truly meet your needs.

He tells me over and over, why change anything. We are happy and that's when I'm like but but but I want, I need, I feel and he ends up making me feel pathetic. He says he's a good man, doesn't drink or smoke, goes to work, lives a quiet life and I should be happy to have him that I could ge with someone much worse.
Isnt then answer because I’m not happy? Because you dotn love me, love is an action and you don’t love me. You don’t value me you aren’t interesred in me, you don’t want to support my interests you only want to spend time doing what you want and you just want me to be a non person who cooks your meals and does what you want. You can’t even come for a walk with me if it’s not where you want. You can’t cook me a single meal even if I’ve asked you to because that is too much effort to go to for me.

But really, telling him this is too much effort to go to for you. I’m not happy and it’s over is enough.

I think that after seven years of this drudgery you need to stop and move on before it turns into ten and then twenty years of the same and you become bitter.

Some people won't change. You need to decide if you can put up with a life of ever hoping he will and knowing he won't

I think you sound really codependent op.

Whenever someone says they are a good partner because they don't drink/smoke/do drugs & you could have it a lot worse - that's an indication they aren't a great partner.

Have had a few say this & to be honest I felt way more loved with people who did one or all three of the above.

When someone thinks this way they think you can bet your bottom dollar they view you with a "that'll do" approach.

They don't truly love or cherish YOU as an individual. They aren't deeply in love with you - and you can feel that, you don't feel seen.

Says it all when he told you he would cook for days, then you come home & he has cooked for himself. That's who he is right there.

Also agree the OP sounds co-dependent. Used to be this way too, getting wrapped up in a boyfriend & attracted to them because of them being so different to me, or having qualities I lack/admire.

Then becoming so wrapped up in them you lose yourself & your own identity.

Gutful
Whenever someone says they are a good partner because they don't drink/smoke/do drugs & you could have it a lot worse - that's an indication they aren't a great partner.

Please choose your own happy path, life is way too short to settle for this wannabe partner.

Like Gutful, Wanderlusto and several others said, it is much better on your own than with a partner that doesn't value you or your input.

God, he sounds so boring! You want to make a gift of yourself to him? But he doesn’t want you, apparently not even unconditionally. He sounds horrible, disinterested in anything you want/do and gaslights you when you want some affirmation from him.

Ditch this dull man - he is incapable of meeting your needs and so denies them or insults them. Fuck him off OP - find a better life.

"All the caring and kindness you're giving to him, give it to yourself instead."

This.

Hello Everyone, Thank you so much for taking time out of your day to offer your advice.

Today has just been more of the same, More denial and telling me im attacking him. Also he add in that he needs more from me too, I asked what and he started by saying it doesnt matter because im happy as I am, then later said he wants me to spend more of my free time with him. (I work alot and sometimes I dont have so much free time) but I can assure you that all my free time IS spent with him unless im visiting my mother or seeing friend (rare) He also said he wants more sex, We have sex about every 3 days and I said ok then if you came to me and said that then I would do my very best to have "more" sex not battle with you and tell you I cant or wont do it. He said he doesnt bring these "wants" up because he is content. Well I said WELL IM NOT

So hes like so, what is it you want me to do to make you "happy" tonight...

He just dont get it

I was married to a man like this for years op. Trust me, he won’t change...Get yourself back out there and figure out what YOU want fro life and then find a way to give that to yourself. Then when you do meet someone you won't need them to fill your gaps.

Id suggest reading ‘women who love too much’ too.

In our chat tonight I just run out of steam to keep explaining myself over and over. Its on the tip of my tongue "I think we should take a break" but I cant quite bring myself to say it.

I love him, I want to be with him but I cant accept less than what I desire.

Just reminding you of this, op.
I believe it's about what you are willing and not willing to accept in a relationship and I can not and will not accept it

And he does get it. He just doesnt give a shit.

No he doesn't. Theres norhing wrong with what you want and need, but he cant provide it. You are not compatible. Maybe someone would be happy with him (it takes all sorts and all that) but you are not.

You're not yet 40, you have plenty of life still to lead. Find someone who does meet your needs. I can I understand that will feel daunting, possibly hopeless, but you won't find the right person by staying. Free from him you will have hope.