Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Best friend is in an abusive relationship and DP just compared it to our relationship

85 replies

ThewhoamIquestion · 20/02/2021 10:36

Namechanged for this because I have been happily posting about getting married, buying houses together and general positive relationship stuff about my relationship for the past year and now I'm feeling (rightly) humiliated and disgusted with myself. Might be long, I am really sorry for that too.

Best Friend messaged me last night to tell me her partner had thrown a glass of water at her, motioned to throw the actual glass at her, gaslighted her about it (said it was her fault) and has been calling her names and alluded that there were many more instances like this but no details. My immediate response was that he doesn't respect her, contempt has entered the relationship and to ask her what her dad would say about it if he was told. I was physically abused in my marriage for 10 years, broken jaw, ribs, black eyes etc so I had a visceral and defensive (of my friend) response.

Showed it to DP of three years this morning. He stated that he thought my response was too strong and that my best friend may have wanted comfort not solutions and may have just wanted to tell me so that her DP was shocked at the fact someone else knows and he might change. DP then brought up my behaviour in comparison. For background: A year into our relationship I found out DP's ex had been texting him after he had agreed to minimise contact with her as they overstepped a boundary (they went somewhere together, he lied about it). They then 6 months later arranged to meet up and he didn't tell me, I found out because I used his phone and a message from his ex flashed up saying 'When are we going to xx'. I was fine with their friendship until he started lying as it made me think why is he lying, there must be more to it. DP said it was stupidity on his part as he wanted to stay friends with her. He then told her he wanted to cut contact, she said she still loved him in response and wanted him back and basically offered to have an affair with him. I only found this out because I read his phone, once. This is when my disgusting behaviour comes in. I was so angry (this is not minimising, I absolutely did this in red mist, uncontrolled anger) I threw the phone at him. I was about a metre away. It hit him on the side of his thigh. I was in absolute shock. I have never hated myself so much. I have never hit, thrown something, shoved anyone in my life. I immediately felt awful, apologised, said I was abusive, ended the relationship. DP said it didn't hurt but was upset. He didn't think I should end the relationship but I was under no illusion that what I had done was unacceptable. We split up. DP continued to ask us to try again. I saw a counsellor who tried to excuse my behaviour as trauma, fight or flight. I think I kind of bought into that if I'm honest. DP said I wasn't abusive, wanted to try again, so we did. I stopped drinking alcohol, (I was hungover when I threw the phone) I finished counselling. For the past two years we have done great, no arguments. He moved in and we were buying a house together.

This morning has brought it all back. DP's comparison has actually devastated me. Am I an abuser and I have just minimised it? DP said it's different because of my reaction to it. It isn't though is it? My instinct now is to end the relationship again. I can not put DP at risk of being in an abusive relationship! He deserves so much better than that. I don't know what I want from this thread. I suppose I want people to give it to me both barrels as I clearly don't know who the fuck I am and I am as disgusting as my best friends partner and not fit to he in a relationship. I knew I was damaged goods (I was raped by a family member when I was 11 and I have been mentally ill, on and off since) but this has gone too far now. I am even assessing if I am a risk to my DC.

OP posts:

WaltzingBetty · 20/02/2021 10:40

Your DP is right.

You immediately took responsibility and made constructive steps to change your behaviour. Everyone makes mistakes - it's how we deal with those mistakes that matter.

Your friend's DP has taken no responsibility, no constructive steps and has blamed her for his behaviour - that's more abusive than the throwing IMO.

soresore · 20/02/2021 10:40

I am going to get flamed for this, but I really don't see how you throwing a phone and it catching him on the leg is abusive.

I think he is right in the sense that your friend may of just been looking to vent and you projected your history onto the situation.

I don't think you should be being this hard on yourself

soresore · 20/02/2021 10:43

And I just reread what you wrote and in no way would I consider you a risk to your DC if this is the only incident like this that has ever happened.

Snowymcsnowsony · 20/02/2021 10:44

So he lied and skimmed cheating and you lost your cool? Strange you got the blame there op.
You were at fault for continuing the relationship though..

Newfor2021 · 20/02/2021 10:48

Life isn’t black and white. We aren’t either good or evil.
It’s so much more complex that that. What matters is your learning from these events and what’s happened since.

As you’ve said - you rightly said straight away you were wrong, apologised, and have made sure you don’t do it again.
We all see red and I’m sure every person has lost their temper. Don’t be so hard on yourself.
Losing your temper is very different to being abusive

ItsIgginningtolooklikelockdown · 20/02/2021 10:52

You shouldn't have thrown your phone.
Your dp should not have lied repeatedly to you. In the aftermath was it all you apologising and him gracefully accepting?
You are not damaged goods, you are a survivor. That's shown a lot of strength of character.

Sammiesnake · 20/02/2021 10:56

You sound like a human being with highs and lows, flaws and strengths and everything in between. If you and your DH want to be together, tell him never to bring up those PST events again and genuinely move forward from it. You have to forgive and move on - you are not your past, OP. With your friend and with yourself, try not to throw all of your experiences into the present day and overreact. It may be ana abusive relationship or it may not be, either way it isn’t linked or related to your last experiences. Try to live in the present more.

Whatabambam · 20/02/2021 10:56

The word abuse is used too freely. I have also thrown stuff in anger and I don't class myself as an abuser although I feel like an idiot afterwards. You are not an abuser. I think your partner is trying to play on your fears for some reason.

Original poster

ThewhoamIquestion · 20/02/2021 11:00

DP apologised for screwing the boundaries with ex and said he had been stupid and cut contact with her.

I agreed to go to counselling and look at the cause of my anger (the root cause being...men). Even if he did cheat on me (he swears he didn't, they went outdoor swimming in a secluded reservoir and he lied about that) I shouldn't throw things at anyone ever.

I am struggling with the hypocrisy of myself. I have bloody red lines written on my whiteboard for my children FFS. One of which is 'No violence'. This is why I feel like I shouldn't be in a relationship. What if it happens again?

OP posts:

TheBlueStocking · 20/02/2021 11:01

Those two incidents are not comparable. And while you shouldn't throw phones at people, it's pretty understandable as a one off in those circumstances. If you were abusive, you wouldn't have thought it was wrong.

soresore · 20/02/2021 11:04

It seems as if your qualified therapist doesn't think you are an abuser, neither does your DP, neither does anyone on this thread.

I think you was angry at the messages on the phone and wanted to break the phone rather than hurt your DP.
You are being way to hard on yourself.

AramintaLee · 20/02/2021 11:09

For me (having also been in one before) an "abusive relationship" tends the be an ongoing pattern of behaviours. What you did was lost your rag one time and took the right steps to address your behaviour.

You could always flip it on it's back and say your DP is gaslighting you to ignore his flirtation with cheating... but we won't because he also took the right steps to move on from this.

The difference between you and your friend is how she alluded there had been more instances.

TedMullins · 20/02/2021 11:10

You owned what you did and made steps to change your behaviour which shows that you are not an abuser, and you’re committed to doing the right thing. I’m more concerned about your DP’s behaviour here tbh. It sounds like his cheating (in using the word sparingly here as you say he didn’t physically cheat) was swept under the carpet by the focus on you throwing the phone. The lying about his ex was unacceptable. Also, it’s concerning that he focused on your reaction to your friends P, rather than the fact he threatened to throw a glass at her, and by the sounds of it that isn’t an isolated incident? It seems like he’s minimising this man’s abuse of your friend and I wouldn’t like that. I think most friends would react how you did, I’d be horrified if a friend told me that kind of thing had happened repeatedly to them. If the glass-throwing guy had sought therapy and taken responsibility and it was a one-off I may take a less hardline approach but he hasn’t!

Porridgeoat · 20/02/2021 11:12

I wouldn’t consider you abusive. You clearly reflected and took responsibility. It happened once at a low point. It hasn’t happened since. It’s not compatible to an ongoing abusive relationship. It’s strange your DH has made the comparison and I wonder why he has opted to do that. It feels manipulative on his part.

RantyAnty · 20/02/2021 11:12

In what way did your DP bring up your behaviour in comparison. What did he say?

You explained the phone incident but failed to say what your DP said to you last night.

Branleuse · 20/02/2021 11:13

They are not comparable and i would be upset by his comment.

HoldontoOneMoreDay · 20/02/2021 11:21

Abusive relationships are complex and based on patterns of control.

The questions you need to ask yourself honestly are do you want to control your DH and do you want to control your children (beyond the socially acceptable 'controls' of not letting them play with matches and run on the road, etc etc).

I believe without an underlying pattern of control a relationship is not abusive in the sense that most of us understand.
It can still be a bad relationship, it can still be toxic, you can be with someone who brings out the absolute worse in you but it's not necessarily abusive. My own DB was in an incredibly toxic relationship where they both were, honestly, 'as bad as each other', for example.

And people are still of course allowed to have red lines - if he wanted to leave you because you threw a phone then that would be OK because people can leave relationships at any time and for any reason.

However, I also note pp's comment: he was lying to you and gaslighting you over the ex, yet you're the one carrying all the guilt for throwing a phone?

YoniAndGuy · 20/02/2021 11:24

The two instances aren't comparable.

But your DP struck gold with it, didn't he? I wonder how much his red flag second-strike cheaty behaviour got mentioned after that. Not much, I reckon - the focus was on you being an abuser all the way.

Yes, definitely dump him - but not for the reasons you think. Find an honest man instead.

megapack · 20/02/2021 11:25

However, I also note pp's comment: he was lying to you and gaslighting you over the ex, yet you're the one carrying all the guilt for throwing a phone?

The only thing you're not seeing clearly is how shitty your partner is.

Fallsballs · 20/02/2021 11:33

I totally agree @megapack
OP do stop beating yourself up and have a look at your OH’s behaviour.

Original poster

ThewhoamIquestion · 20/02/2021 11:44

My hardline approach was my gut reaction. I have messaged my friend and apologised for the projection/immediate jumping to worst case scenario. It was the motioning to throw the glass at her that shocked me. I think DP was trying to get me to slow down and think about what my friend needed.

We have discussed the stuff with his ex a few times. He has cut contact with her. I can't really use 'Well it was that that caused it' though.

OP posts:

yetmorecrap · 20/02/2021 11:45

I found out my H had an emotional affair- I punched him lightly on the arm and called him a c**t- —a one off kind of thing for me in response to his behaviour— no way am I abusive in general life— quite the opposite- a bit of a people pleasing doormat

GCAcademic · 20/02/2021 11:49

100% this.

Noncommittalagain · 20/02/2021 11:50

I was in an abusive relationship, I left him. I don't consider throwing a phone, once, that hit someone's leg in the least bit abusive. I do think he's taking advantage of you thinking you are. I also think you were perfectly reasonable to lose your shit at him, he sounds hideous.

Wanderlusto · 20/02/2021 11:55

Throwing a phone in frustration that hits him on the leg... .... fair enough,that's probably indicative of it being time to leave a relationship...but in the context you've provided it's hardly abuse.

If anything, he may be the abuser as he minimised your friends abuse a d reversed the scenario onto you by likening it to something (tiny) that you did.

I dont know op, I think you need to take a closer look at him. With you having a physical abuser in your past, you may not be spotting mental abuse.
I mean, it's really not ok that he said your friend should give someone who called her names and gas lighted her another chance!

There might be some headworking going on.

Or you might still be traumatised from the last partner who got you into the mindset of thinking you are the problem.

How much space did you leave between abused ex and getting with this guy?

Maybe you do need to break up. Not because you are abusive, but because you need to be single for a while and do some self work (and learning how to spot abuse in all its forms).

Flip

1 2 3 4