Best friend is in an abusive relationship and DP just compared it to our relationship

[ThewhoamIquestion]

Namechanged for this because I have been happily posting about getting married, buying houses together and general positive relationship stuff about my relationship for the past year and now I'm feeling (rightly) humiliated and disgusted with myself. Might be long, I am really sorry for that too.

Best Friend messaged me last night to tell me her partner had thrown a glass of water at her, motioned to throw the actual glass at her, gaslighted her about it (said it was her fault) and has been calling her names and alluded that there were many more instances like this but no details. My immediate response was that he doesn't respect her, contempt has entered the relationship and to ask her what her dad would say about it if he was told. I was physically abused in my marriage for 10 years, broken jaw, ribs, black eyes etc so I had a visceral and defensive (of my friend) response.

Showed it to DP of three years this morning. He stated that he thought my response was too strong and that my best friend may have wanted comfort not solutions and may have just wanted to tell me so that her DP was shocked at the fact someone else knows and he might change. DP then brought up my behaviour in comparison. For background: A year into our relationship I found out DP's ex had been texting him after he had agreed to minimise contact with her as they overstepped a boundary (they went somewhere together, he lied about it). They then 6 months later arranged to meet up and he didn't tell me, I found out because I used his phone and a message from his ex flashed up saying 'When are we going to xx'. I was fine with their friendship until he started lying as it made me think why is he lying, there must be more to it. DP said it was stupidity on his part as he wanted to stay friends with her. He then told her he wanted to cut contact, she said she still loved him in response and wanted him back and basically offered to have an affair with him. I only found this out because I read his phone, once. This is when my disgusting behaviour comes in. I was so angry (this is not minimising, I absolutely did this in red mist, uncontrolled anger) I threw the phone at him. I was about a metre away. It hit him on the side of his thigh. I was in absolute shock. I have never hated myself so much. I have never hit, thrown something, shoved anyone in my life. I immediately felt awful, apologised, said I was abusive, ended the relationship. DP said it didn't hurt but was upset. He didn't think I should end the relationship but I was under no illusion that what I had done was unacceptable. We split up. DP continued to ask us to try again. I saw a counsellor who tried to excuse my behaviour as trauma, fight or flight. I think I kind of bought into that if I'm honest. DP said I wasn't abusive, wanted to try again, so we did. I stopped drinking alcohol, (I was hungover when I threw the phone) I finished counselling. For the past two years we have done great, no arguments. He moved in and we were buying a house together.

This morning has brought it all back. DP's comparison has actually devastated me. Am I an abuser and I have just minimised it? DP said it's different because of my reaction to it. It isn't though is it? My instinct now is to end the relationship again. I can not put DP at risk of being in an abusive relationship! He deserves so much better than that. I don't know what I want from this thread. I suppose I want people to give it to me both barrels as I clearly don't know who the fuck I am and I am as disgusting as my best friends partner and not fit to he in a relationship. I knew I was damaged goods (I was raped by a family member when I was 11 and I have been mentally ill, on and off since) but this has gone too far now. I am even assessing if I am a risk to my DC.

I'm with others on here. Your DP is in the wrong here.

If your judgement is so bad at present then you really need to be on your own and I'm saying that kindly.
The sort of trauma you've been through and the way you feel about yourself would benefit from EMDR therapy. I've had it and it's helped me immensely. I had similar experiences to yours.

I started a relationship with someone after 5yrs of being single after an extremely abusive ex. My judgement was more clearer as we're my boundaries and I knew my new P wasn't worth my time. Had I jumped into a relationship with someone like him too soon after my abusive ex I probably wouldn't have seen all the red flags.

Your DP is pushing your buttons. He gets a free pass after an intimate secluded swim with his ex but focuses on you throwing a phone and hitting his thigh?? He's fucking dreaming!!

@ThewhoamIquestion I wish you were here in real life so that we could talk about this, over wine. Or coffee and biscuits.

I'm in a similar boat. I was in an abusive relationship for 7 years, and a few weeks ago I threw two (of my own) cups in to the garden in a red mist because my brother cannot see that my parents' behaviour is crazy making for me (another story, but basically they label me x, y and z and then are the victims of me saying stop doing that. It's gone on for nearly a year and they will not say, ok, we'll stop, we're sorry).

I see your partner's behavior as similar here. He knows how visceral anything to do with abuse is for you. A wound reopening a wound. A trigger.

He is gaslighting you in to believing you're an abuser so that he can go for a swim with his ex? That is crazy making behavior.
That is an incredibly abusive thing to do in itself.

I don't think you're an abusive person. I think that you struggle to control your responses. This is me too. But the people i have exploded at have all so totally disregarded my feelings and when I challenged them they doubled down on their right to hurt me, it made me crazy.

Try to boil it down to a few words that he can't re-label ''abuse'' or an over reaction or an ''outburst''.

''So you cheat in front of me and if react I'm abusive?''

Are you going to marry him?

He sounds very manipulative. He has to be the good guy. Even if he's seeing two women at once. He will literally fuck with your self-esteem so that he can see both of you.

He has no conscience. And you're sitting there wondering ''Am I the abuser?''.

I would not marry this man.

The first relationship I had after my abusive x, he was a much, much more covert narcissist but still a narcissist.

PS, I agree that therapy would be better than a wedding.
I had 8 sessions immediately after I left my x and it did help me to silence my very critical inner voice, but now, I'm back in therapy again after 13 years (!) because I realise that my parents denied me my own experience growing up and that I was a sitting duck for my x. A SITTING DUCK for him. And yet they feel the victims of me saying ''stop calling me paranoid!''.

For ages I just couldn't accept that they (my parents) wouldn't /couldn't GET it. I thought they were going to be the exception. The parents who would finally see that they'd been so hurtful.

But after about 8 months of therapy I can accept now that that won't happen.

It's 60 euro fortnightly so it's not too bank-breaking.

I need it.

I think for a lot of people taking that first step seems so dramatic. But it has been very soothing to me. I look around my room and regret some of the shoes and bags I bought! But I don't regret the therapy at all.

Ps again, you already had psychotherapy through rape crisis, is that right? but I think you can go back again, like, now, say you want to deal with your own lack of trust in yourself and your judgement. I feel I've done that. First time round it was all very urgent and immediate. Now I am back, trying to shore up the chinks.

He was trying to say that BF could be wanting to retrieve the relationship and fix it and me being quite strong might damage our friendship

It is your DP who can't assess risk properly. You immediately saw the awful and dangerous situation your friend is in.
its your DP who can't see the risk your friend is in, if he thinks you should in any way support her to 'retrieve' a relationship with that man.

@YoniAndGuy

The two instances aren't comparable.

But your DP struck gold with it, didn't he? I wonder how much his red flag second-strike cheaty behaviour got mentioned after that. Not much, I reckon - the focus was on you being an abuser all the way.

Yes, definitely dump him - but not for the reasons you think. Find an honest man instead.

So he gas lighted you when you found out he was lying about his ex and now it's your fault? He's still gas lighting you.

The sort of trauma you've been through and the way you feel about yourself would benefit from EMDR therapy

@Ludo19 I agree, it has the best evidence base.

PP's is right that OP's DP probably knew what would upset her and deliberately do it.

@Porridgeoat

I wouldn’t consider you abusive. You clearly reflected and took responsibility. It happened once at a low point. It hasn’t happened since. It’s not compatible to an ongoing abusive relationship. It’s strange your DH has made the comparison and I wonder why he has opted to do that. It feels manipulative on his part.

Oh dear! Here we go.......

He's a man - he must clearly be manipulative and an abuser.

She was the one who threw the phone.

Ooft.

DP played a blinder there.

No mention of his affair but you're a massive abuser because you threw a phone. You shouldn't have done that but you are in no way an abuser.

And he is an absolute dickhead for comparing the two. (I do sort of agree about the message you sent but that's personal choice),.

He sounds like a horrible man.

What happened was you made a well intentioned (and to my mind appropriate) response to your friend whom you care about deeply. Your DP found fault with you.
Your values and good intent were belittled and dismissed by your partner who's supposed to know you and love you.
That's what happened, your feelings were hurt by a loved one, and this caused you to catastrophise the situation.
You fell into the 'the whole world has lied to me, I am the bad person I feared I was!' thinking trap. And in this you turn away from yourself and doubt yourself. You are suffering a case of the 'inner attack'.
But the reality is you are the same nice, good hearted mother, partner, friend that you were before that text happened.
Take heart. Rest. Do something nice for yourself today. You haven't done anything wrong. Go easy on yourself. Your feelings will settle down. This too will pass.

What did your best friend of 37 years think of your partner when he did all that to you, out of interest?

Is it in his interests for you two to be close?

@RootyT00t

Ooft.

DP played a blinder there.

No mention of his affair but you're a massive abuser because you threw a phone. You shouldn't have done that but you are in no way an abuser.

And he is an absolute dickhead for comparing the two. (I do sort of agree about the message you sent but that's personal choice),.

He sounds like a horrible man.

I'm with all the above comments.

You stayed with a dishonest man.

I do not believe you are abusive.

I believe your partner struck absolute gold.

I don't think you should buy a house with him.
I sure as hell don't think you should be marrying him.

I think it would do you a lot of good to be single.

You are being very conveniently being gaslit by your partner.

He reads like an absolute snake.

He can't believe his luck that he gets to blame your behaviour.

He is not a good man.

He is not trustworthy.

I don't think you really know him.

You shouldn't be in a relationship when you have so little faith in your gut and confidence in yourself.

You sent your friend a good message that I completely agree with.

Don't be sad, be glad.

You need to massively step back from the relationship you are in.

He gaslights you.
I think you will see substantial change in him when you have a house and are married.....the really him will emerge.

Please step back and protect your children and yourself.

How convenient for him to think of you as the bad guy.

Snake.

No @crestar OP threw a phone which accidentally hit her P’s leg.

She was immediately contrite and sought therapy and ended the relationship to ensure the P was out of any possible danger from her.

She’s still beating herself herself over it.

Yet her P is bringing up this lone incident over a year ago which OP accepted and acknowledged as wrong and took steps to ensure would not reoccur.

Notice even tho the P is using this incident to beat OP with and making her doubt her (correct) advice and support to a friend, OP feels unable to explain the reason the incident occurred was due to her justifiable upset over her P having illicit meeting with is ex.

This is nothing to do with male female, the same advice would be forthcoming if the sexes were reversed.

The P is making OP doubt herself and training her not to ever call him out on bad behaviour. Because once during an argument she accidentally caught him on the leg with a phone she was throwing in frustration.

If her P is so terrified of her why is he continuously back peddling when OP wants to end the relationship to safeguard him?

Also in the past when she has needed support, has he ever turned it round to make you pay attention to him instead?

he struggles to understand my past and the impact it had on me, that is for certain
Did you try asking him to imagine how traumatising and harmful it would be if he had been raped by a male family member at the age of 11?
I'm so sorry for what happened to you OP💐 you are a survivor

Please re read these response op. Your partner is not good for you.

@soresore

I am going to get flamed for this, but I really don't see how you throwing a phone and it catching him on the leg is abusive.

I think he is right in the sense that your friend may of just been looking to vent and you projected your history onto the situation.

I don't think you should be being this hard on yourself

No flaming.

I agree with you.

Only re your actions maybe this comparison helps.

A kid feels stressed by something another kid does and is mean. This is unfortunate, not desirable, but happens. The kid should apologise and learn better behaviour. Most likely will.

A kid repeatedly being mean to and picking on another kid? Fake apologises and continues? That's a bully.

Your behaviour falls into the first category.

You're NOT an abuser. You did make a mistake (under stressful circumstances that are a whole other point). But THEN what did you do? You took genuinely intentioned actions to rectify the situation and behavioural changes. You're textbook not an abuser!

@Newfor2021 this! Such a true insight. Well said

I remember your previous posts OP.

I think he got off lightly, you're still with him.

It's interesting this thread cos Johnny Depp (or was it Amber heard?) apparantly threw a phone and is called an abuser (obviously lots of other things to consider there along with possible abusive wife) so if a man threw phone and hit wife (or cc) on leg is he/she not an abuser if takes responsibility for it. If phone hits somewhere else such as face and leaves a mark or breaks a finger are they then an abuser or not.

Vv not cc

@Haveyouallgonequitemad

It's interesting this thread cos Johnny Depp (or was it Amber heard?) apparantly threw a phone and is called an abuser (obviously lots of other things to consider there along with possible abusive wife) so if a man threw phone and hit wife (or cc) on leg is he/she not an abuser if takes responsibility for it. If phone hits somewhere else such as face and leaves a mark or breaks a finger are they then an abuser or not.

Abuse is never a one time event. There's a pattern of behaviours, which includes remorse that isn't genuine - a good example of what genuine remorse looks like is how OP behaved afterwards and since.

Everything @31RooCambon said. Your DP sounds horrible, and you were right to dump him the first time.

The skinny dipping in a secluded reservoir, while she was declaring her undying love for him? Does he go outdoor swimming regularly, with other people of both genders, or did he just go this once, with a woman who had offered to have sex with him? Of course they had sex. He’s a lying little shit.

@aweegc so if they own up apologise etc and have never done it before they are not an abuser and can be forgiven? Or if a hand got in the way and broke a finger would they still not be an abuser or should they leave for their safety? Its very ambiguous I think