Best friend is in an abusive relationship and DP just compared it to our relationship

[ThewhoamIquestion]

Namechanged for this because I have been happily posting about getting married, buying houses together and general positive relationship stuff about my relationship for the past year and now I'm feeling (rightly) humiliated and disgusted with myself. Might be long, I am really sorry for that too.

Best Friend messaged me last night to tell me her partner had thrown a glass of water at her, motioned to throw the actual glass at her, gaslighted her about it (said it was her fault) and has been calling her names and alluded that there were many more instances like this but no details. My immediate response was that he doesn't respect her, contempt has entered the relationship and to ask her what her dad would say about it if he was told. I was physically abused in my marriage for 10 years, broken jaw, ribs, black eyes etc so I had a visceral and defensive (of my friend) response.

Showed it to DP of three years this morning. He stated that he thought my response was too strong and that my best friend may have wanted comfort not solutions and may have just wanted to tell me so that her DP was shocked at the fact someone else knows and he might change. DP then brought up my behaviour in comparison. For background: A year into our relationship I found out DP's ex had been texting him after he had agreed to minimise contact with her as they overstepped a boundary (they went somewhere together, he lied about it). They then 6 months later arranged to meet up and he didn't tell me, I found out because I used his phone and a message from his ex flashed up saying 'When are we going to xx'. I was fine with their friendship until he started lying as it made me think why is he lying, there must be more to it. DP said it was stupidity on his part as he wanted to stay friends with her. He then told her he wanted to cut contact, she said she still loved him in response and wanted him back and basically offered to have an affair with him. I only found this out because I read his phone, once. This is when my disgusting behaviour comes in. I was so angry (this is not minimising, I absolutely did this in red mist, uncontrolled anger) I threw the phone at him. I was about a metre away. It hit him on the side of his thigh. I was in absolute shock. I have never hated myself so much. I have never hit, thrown something, shoved anyone in my life. I immediately felt awful, apologised, said I was abusive, ended the relationship. DP said it didn't hurt but was upset. He didn't think I should end the relationship but I was under no illusion that what I had done was unacceptable. We split up. DP continued to ask us to try again. I saw a counsellor who tried to excuse my behaviour as trauma, fight or flight. I think I kind of bought into that if I'm honest. DP said I wasn't abusive, wanted to try again, so we did. I stopped drinking alcohol, (I was hungover when I threw the phone) I finished counselling. For the past two years we have done great, no arguments. He moved in and we were buying a house together.

This morning has brought it all back. DP's comparison has actually devastated me. Am I an abuser and I have just minimised it? DP said it's different because of my reaction to it. It isn't though is it? My instinct now is to end the relationship again. I can not put DP at risk of being in an abusive relationship! He deserves so much better than that. I don't know what I want from this thread. I suppose I want people to give it to me both barrels as I clearly don't know who the fuck I am and I am as disgusting as my best friends partner and not fit to he in a relationship. I knew I was damaged goods (I was raped by a family member when I was 11 and I have been mentally ill, on and off since) but this has gone too far now. I am even assessing if I am a risk to my DC.

I don’t think throwing a phone across the room and it accidentally hitting someone in the leg is abusive. If I was meeting up with my ex behind my DH’s back and I’d done it numerous times, I’d expect him to be absolutely furious if he found out. I think your DP realised he was completely out of order and probably thought having his phone thrown at him was the least he deserved.

OP, I am so sorry for what happened to you and for the pain and confusion you feel.

I totally agree with people on the thread that the way you threw the phone was not abusive. You have never done anything similar (so it is not a pattern). It was not done to control or demean him. And you took it seriously, took responsibility and took corrective action.

I also agree that your DP's dishonesty with his ex was very poor, and something to be concerned by or even end the relationship over. Unless they were swimming with their kids, on kids' insistence in the moment, then it is distinctly dodgy!

However I think a lot of pp are going blindly extreme in suggesting that your DP is gaslighting or abusive. I hope they will read the original post. The DP told OP that throwing the phone was not abusive, that it did not hurt him, and that he wanted to be with her. The DP agreed his actions were wrong with ex and took corrective action. The DP has also said that her throwing the phone is different from the friend's P because she took responsibility. At no point has he said OP is abusive.

However, despite this OP, you have taken this catastrophically - doubting yourself to the point of feeling unworthy to have a relationship and a possible danger to your children. (Unless there are lots of things you aren't telling us, these sound like huge over-reactions driven by self doubt, and I am sure are not true).

Pp are accusing OP's DP of knowing how to press her buttons and consciously manipulating to provoke these collapses in self belief. But there is no evidence for this in what OP says. Quite the contrary - DP is quoted as reassuring her and it is OP's own words that are self-flagellating and extreme. Perhaps rather than consciously trying to press her buttons, DP spends a good bit of life feeling he is walking on eggshells to avoid setting off these downward spirals?

It is impossible to know what is really happening, but based On what OP actually says, pp's insisting the DP is abusive or manipulative are extrapolating/ projecting a lot.

Sounds to me that DP was simply questioning the response to the friend. Perhaps he is naive about what abuse looks like, or perhaps - in his words quoted by OP, he thought the friend might prefer a comforting ear rather than strong reaction 'diagnosing the problem'. The latter sounds perfectly possible and reasonable, whether it is right or not in this case. Sounds like he raised the incident with the phone not to say OP is abusive but to say 'stuff happens which isn't necessarily abuse, which we shouldn't be quick to judge when we don't have much information'. When he realised how upset that made OP, he has apologised and yet again reiterated that he doesn't condemn her for what she did or consider it abuse....

It is possible that neither partner is abusive sometimes.....

So for the first 18 months of your relationship he was secretly seeing his ex behind your back - he promised to cut contact after you found out but he continued to see her and lied to you until you found out a second time ....... is it because you have not yet found out a 3rd time that you are marrying this guy?

The skinny dipping in a secluded reservoir, while she was declaring her undying love for him? Does he go outdoor swimming regularly, with other people of both genders, or did he just go this once, with a woman who had offered to have sex with him? Of course they had sex. He’s a lying little shit.

This is who he is - a liar and a cheat.

Don’t put yourself and your DCs through this marriage and house buying stuff - it’s likely to go tits up. You all deserve better and don’t need the disruption.

@Sssloou

So for the first 18 months of your relationship he was secretly seeing his ex behind your back - he promised to cut contact after you found out but he continued to see her and lied to you until you found out a second time ....... is it because you have not yet found out a 3rd time that you are marrying this guy?

The skinny dipping in a secluded reservoir, while she was declaring her undying love for him? Does he go outdoor swimming regularly, with other people of both genders, or did he just go this once, with a woman who had offered to have sex with him? Of course they had sex. He’s a lying little shit.

This is who he is - a liar and a cheat.

Don’t put yourself and your DCs through this marriage and house buying stuff - it’s likely to go tits up. You all deserve better and don’t need the disruption.

All of this.

In particular the predicted 'tits up'..couldn't put it better myself....

This is EXACTLY what I would predict.

I don't like the sound of your partner.

What he did with his ex wasn't the behaviour of a decent man.

Minimising your BF's partner's violence is not the behaviour of a decent man.

Drawing a parallel between that and the incident in which you flung a phone - not your finest hour but no comparison in my view - was not the behaviour of a decent man.

Sorry Op but you are in an abusive relationship! Your partner is a liar, a cheat and is bullying and controlling. Dump him. You deserve far better

I think it often isn't helpful to identify 'abusers' when the truth is that most people are capable of abusive behaviour- shouting, losing temper, slamming doors etc. People can respond to to their emotions in dysfunctional ways. The point is to address the behaviour not excuse it. Its when behaviour goes unaddressed or even unrecognised that it forms a consistent pattern that a relationship becomes abusive.
I think you should give yourself a break OP and see that recognising and addressing an issue is what matters so that it doesn't become a feature of a relationship.

Hmm, to me it seems like your DP was trying to show you that a one off incident where you throw something in anger is NOT abuse. And used the incident with you as a comparison to show that you weren't abusive in your reaction, and so maybe your best friends partner isn't abusive (if it's a one off).

The trouble here is that you and he have different views of what's abusive. He doesn't think a one off angry response to an argument is abusive, you do. He didn't consider you abusive then, so him bringing it up now can't be a way to torment you now.

Unless I'm reading this wrong, it doesn't seem to me like he's gaslighting you but just has a different opinion on the incident with your friend, and was trying to tell you not to project onto your friend's relationship as your view may be tarnished?

But it also seems to me that you aren't confident or assured of your own actions, reactions and opinions - because you should be able to have an argument like this with DP and not question everything about yourself. The incident with the ex is irrelevant- he messed up, but righted it, you reacted badly but righted it. However, you still seem very traumatised by the abuse you faced and also your reaction - you should be able to see it for what it was. A one off angry response, not a pattern of control or humiliation.

I don't think your partner meant anything bad by this and couldn't have predicted you would still see your response as abusive - since both he and your therapist didn't consider it so and a lot of time has passed. Explain to him why you're upset and talk through your feelings on eBay upset you about his comments. Also explore how you feel about anger vs abuse. But please don't go into a downward spiral over this.

How was the situation anything like the OP's in the BFF's case it was a normal behavioural pattern on her boyfriends behalf and he was minimising and gaslighting her after the incident.

Not sorry and taking steps to ensure it never ever happened again.

So nothing like the OP's incident which she wasn't threatening her boyfriend in any way she was throwing an object in frustration which caught the boyfriend by accident. for which she apologised and sought therapy and tried to end the relationship to ensure his safety. for which she is still beating herself up to the point she is doubting her ability to safely parent her children. which I find very worrying.

OP needs to get shot of her boyfriend and spend time building up her self esteem and trusting her instincts.

you are not using violence or the threat of violence to get what you want - you had a moment of violent reaction. Most regrettable, and by your subsequent actions and efforts time to forgive yourself