Best friend is in an abusive relationship and DP just compared it to our relationship

[ThewhoamIquestion]

Namechanged for this because I have been happily posting about getting married, buying houses together and general positive relationship stuff about my relationship for the past year and now I'm feeling (rightly) humiliated and disgusted with myself. Might be long, I am really sorry for that too.

Best Friend messaged me last night to tell me her partner had thrown a glass of water at her, motioned to throw the actual glass at her, gaslighted her about it (said it was her fault) and has been calling her names and alluded that there were many more instances like this but no details. My immediate response was that he doesn't respect her, contempt has entered the relationship and to ask her what her dad would say about it if he was told. I was physically abused in my marriage for 10 years, broken jaw, ribs, black eyes etc so I had a visceral and defensive (of my friend) response.

Showed it to DP of three years this morning. He stated that he thought my response was too strong and that my best friend may have wanted comfort not solutions and may have just wanted to tell me so that her DP was shocked at the fact someone else knows and he might change. DP then brought up my behaviour in comparison. For background: A year into our relationship I found out DP's ex had been texting him after he had agreed to minimise contact with her as they overstepped a boundary (they went somewhere together, he lied about it). They then 6 months later arranged to meet up and he didn't tell me, I found out because I used his phone and a message from his ex flashed up saying 'When are we going to xx'. I was fine with their friendship until he started lying as it made me think why is he lying, there must be more to it. DP said it was stupidity on his part as he wanted to stay friends with her. He then told her he wanted to cut contact, she said she still loved him in response and wanted him back and basically offered to have an affair with him. I only found this out because I read his phone, once. This is when my disgusting behaviour comes in. I was so angry (this is not minimising, I absolutely did this in red mist, uncontrolled anger) I threw the phone at him. I was about a metre away. It hit him on the side of his thigh. I was in absolute shock. I have never hated myself so much. I have never hit, thrown something, shoved anyone in my life. I immediately felt awful, apologised, said I was abusive, ended the relationship. DP said it didn't hurt but was upset. He didn't think I should end the relationship but I was under no illusion that what I had done was unacceptable. We split up. DP continued to ask us to try again. I saw a counsellor who tried to excuse my behaviour as trauma, fight or flight. I think I kind of bought into that if I'm honest. DP said I wasn't abusive, wanted to try again, so we did. I stopped drinking alcohol, (I was hungover when I threw the phone) I finished counselling. For the past two years we have done great, no arguments. He moved in and we were buying a house together.

This morning has brought it all back. DP's comparison has actually devastated me. Am I an abuser and I have just minimised it? DP said it's different because of my reaction to it. It isn't though is it? My instinct now is to end the relationship again. I can not put DP at risk of being in an abusive relationship! He deserves so much better than that. I don't know what I want from this thread. I suppose I want people to give it to me both barrels as I clearly don't know who the fuck I am and I am as disgusting as my best friends partner and not fit to he in a relationship. I knew I was damaged goods (I was raped by a family member when I was 11 and I have been mentally ill, on and off since) but this has gone too far now. I am even assessing if I am a risk to my DC.

*abusive ex

Honestly, it’s not the same. When your incident happened you did the right thing. You ended the relationship, got counselling, tried to fix yourself. That’s the right thing to do and shows maturity. He’s not showing maturity now and is obviously holding a grudge. I think all of your hard work is being ruined by your BF. I think you should now state your boundaries again. End the relationship and go back to counselling. Again. Show him how strong you are. His behaviour is not acceptable. If he wants you back then he has to enter counselling too. His reactions will tell you what you need to know. Don’t let this guy drag you down. Boundaries. Red flags are now flying all over the place. If you let this go or minimise you’re fucked. I think you know that though

Your "DP" has convinced you that you are abusive.

Expect this accusation to be thrown at you every time you disagree in the future.
Expect it to be used against you at every opportunity.

Someone in your relationship is abusive - but it isn't you.

This sounds more like you've been brainwashed into thinking you're an abuser - unless there is a huge drip-feed coming?

One phone being thrown, once, during an otherwise non-violent relationship, due to finding out about being cheated on..

Your reaction to what happened with the phone, whilst correct to admit was wrong and shouldn't happen again (obviously), is massively over the top IMHO.

I'm shocked that your DP has watched as you've seemingly turned yourself inside-out with years of therapy and self-blame over this one action.

Additionally, although your friend may have been looking for support, your DP is basically downplaying the actions of an ACTUAL abuser.

Am I missing something here?

I think it would be well worth considering being single for a while and seeking some therapy for yourself. Not relationship therapy, or therapy to make you a "better" partner for someone else, but therapy for YOU. To help you figure out what you need and learn to set boundaries for yourself. To help you deal with the trauma of your past. To help you recognise signs of abuse and toxicity in a relationship. I know this sounds a bit mad given that you've already experienced it, but it may well be helpful.

The incident you describe with the phone is not abusive. There is however a definite case to argue that it may well be emotionally abusive to repeatedly lie to your intimate partner and cross their (very healthy and normal) boundaries with regards inappropriate contact with ex partners. I also think it's probable that he has been gaslighting you, because it reads to me that he framed the contact with his ex as perfectly normal activity (i.e. "we didn't cheat, we just went swimming..."), when actually swimming together with presumably little or no clothing in a secluded spot is not a typical activity for platonic exes. It's an intimate activity and your gut feeling was not amiss with regards to his contact with her.

It's very disturbing to read, especially after the disclosure about your traumatic and very sad childhood experiences, that this person you still love and trust so much has treated you so shoddily and you seem unequipped to recognise it. He inflicted a great deal of emotional pain on you, left you to live with the aftermath of broken trust, lied about it, minimised it, and somehow the whole debacle ended with YOU in therapy and grovelling and feeling like the worst partner in the world. And he allowed you to feel that way! It seems that he has used your history of being in an abusive relationship to his advantage because he knows your boundaries and perception are skewed.

So he lied and skimmed cheating and you lost your cool? Strange you got the blame there op

This! Jesus, it was a phone that hit him in the leg! Not your finest hour I'm sure but there were extremely extenuating circumstances. And you recognised you shouldn't have done it and haven't since.

Nothing like your friend who appears to have a partner who has a history of throwing things at her, who is also verbally abusing her, and who threatened to throw something at her that could actually cause injury. He's clearly enjoying terrifying her. The disturbing thing here is that your partner is minimising the abuse of your friend.

@IWantT0BreakFree

I think it would be well worth considering being single for a while and seeking some therapy for yourself. Not relationship therapy, or therapy to make you a "better" partner for someone else, but therapy for YOU. To help you figure out what you need and learn to set boundaries for yourself. To help you deal with the trauma of your past. To help you recognise signs of abuse and toxicity in a relationship. I know this sounds a bit mad given that you've already experienced it, but it may well be helpful.

The incident you describe with the phone is not abusive. There is however a definite case to argue that it may well be emotionally abusive to repeatedly lie to your intimate partner and cross their (very healthy and normal) boundaries with regards inappropriate contact with ex partners. I also think it's probable that he has been gaslighting you, because it reads to me that he framed the contact with his ex as perfectly normal activity (i.e. "we didn't cheat, we just went swimming..."), when actually swimming together with presumably little or no clothing in a secluded spot is not a typical activity for platonic exes. It's an intimate activity and your gut feeling was not amiss with regards to his contact with her.

It's very disturbing to read, especially after the disclosure about your traumatic and very sad childhood experiences, that this person you still love and trust so much has treated you so shoddily and you seem unequipped to recognise it. He inflicted a great deal of emotional pain on you, left you to live with the aftermath of broken trust, lied about it, minimised it, and somehow the whole debacle ended with YOU in therapy and grovelling and feeling like the worst partner in the world. And he allowed you to feel that way! It seems that he has used your history of being in an abusive relationship to his advantage because he knows your boundaries and perception are skewed.

Excellent and perceptive post.

I knew I was damaged goods (I was raped by a family member when I was 11 and I have been mentally ill, on and off since) but this has gone too far now. I am even assessing if I am a risk to my DC.

@ThewhoamIquestion The incident was 2 years ago, after finding out he had been effectively chatting to another woman behind your back. You've had loads of therapy since and haven't done it again. x Of course you aren't a threat to your DC.

You're not damaged goods- we all have trauma (especially women) and a lot of us have MH problems. Would you tell another woman who was abused at 11 that she's damaged goods? No you wouldn't because it's not true and a horrible thing to say. So try not to say it to yourself.

You could also look into trying different treatments for your MH problems/trauma. There are loads of things they can try.

You still have Negative Automatic Thoughts or something, and that's a result of your ex/ other abusers.

Your DP also sounds a bit misogynistic with how he minimised what happened with your friend, and how he turned it around is kind of gaslighting. He must've known how his other comments would hurt you.

He doesn't sound clued up about how abuse works at all and probably wouldn't be open to learning.

I agreed to go to counselling and look at the cause of my anger (the root cause being...men).

The root cause at that moment being his actions.

This is why I feel like I shouldn't be in a relationship. What if it happens again?

I really think you could benefit from therapy again. EMDR is best for trauma. This incident was a one-off event 2 years ago in response to his pretty much flirting with another woman at the very least. 2 years and you're eviscerating yourself over it.

My hardline approach was my gut reaction. I have messaged my friend and apologised for the projection/immediate jumping to worst case scenario. It was the motioning to throw the glass at her that shocked me. I think DP was trying to get me to slow down and think about what my friend needed.

@ThewhoamIquestion I really don't think you were wrong, of course your friend is being abused and what she needs is to be told to get away.

Your DP won't recognize abuse the way you do- he hasn't beeen through it and, total red flag , like a lot of dodgy men his immediate response to a woman being abused is to minimize it.

We have discussed the stuff with his ex a few times. He has cut contact with her. I can't really use 'Well it was that that caused it' though.

I think you can to an extent. Yes you have previous trauma but also what he did wasn't ok.

I think the very most important thing is that, based on the information you have posted here, you are absolutely NOT a threat to your children. Please go and speak to a properly qualified therapist, OP. You deserve to be happy and there is help available.

I don't think you need such a hard line interpretation of your DH's comparison, he could legitimately be trying to explore parallels of behaviours and broaden perceptions of things.

If he was trying to make you feel bad he wouldn't have followed up his comment with how your situation was different because of your reaction to it, he would have left you to flounder with the parallel.

It's good to hold yourself to high standards and it's good to reflect honestly, and also to recognise that it's hard to comprehensively appraise other people's situations. But don't through the baby out with the bathwater, it sounds like you've both done a lot of work to understand what had happened and to overcome that time in your relationship. What makes you think it would happen again when it hasn't in so long?

It was the motioning to throw the glass at her that shocked me. I think DP was trying to get me to slow down and think about what my friend needed

You are right to be shocked by that. It was done to intimidate your friend with a threat of physical assault.

What your friend needed was what your first response said. She needs to recognise she is in an abusive relationship adn to leave before it escalates from threats of physical violence to actual violence.

Your DP has not behaved well here to you or your friend.

If he threw water her that's already violence really, as well as the whole thing being abusive, intimidating, and showing she's in a dangerous situation.

You made one mistake and you took immediate and huge steps to resolve it.
Forgive yourself.
To be honest his behaviour was vile, he deserved it. It was a moment of anger, on one occasion and I wouldn’t class it as abuse.

I am listening, reading and reflecting on every post on here.

Unfortunately, due to what happened in my childhood and my marriage I have zero, and I really mean that, absolutely zero trust in my own decision making. I do not perceive or measure other people's behaviour towards me or my response to that behaviour very well. I have tried really hard but struggle. I have done the freedom project, had psychotherapy from rape crisis and had specialist support from an ISVA due to a court case. Each time they have said that due to disruption from trauma in my development I fail to read risk correctly. So for example it took a broken bone for me to even recognise that my marriage was abusive, my bar was that low.

DP definitely has his faults. He knew the swimming incident was wrong but my reaction seemed to overtake it and he rationalised it as 'I have cut her out as you asked, I righted my wrong'. But he struggles to understand my past and the impact it had on me, that is for certain.

This afternoon we have spoken and he said nobody is perfect, it is a different situation, my response was not the response of an abuser and that we have made great strides since, he didn't want me to project onto my friend as she might have been distressed but said he was sorry that he made the comparison to our situation. He was trying to say that BF could be wanting to retrieve the relationship and fix it and me being quite strong might damage our friendship.

Luckily I have known BF for 37 years. She has already sent me a message saying she completely expected my response and it's what she wanted to hear.

it took a broken bone for me to even recognise that my marriage was abusive, my bar was that low.

@ThewhoamIquestion Stuff like that isn't unusual for women in abusive relationships, as they find it hard to believe that the person they think loves them is abusing them.

Each time they have said that due to disruption from trauma in my development I fail to read risk correctly.

You maybe don't recognize your successes.

You responded to your ex's abuse that way then, but that was years ago. And in the end you did realize what he was doing.

Your perception that your DP wasn't acting ok was accurate.

Your perception of your frend's risk is accurate.

What you describe need not be for life, it's a thing you once had to some extent, but you can do stuff to mitigate it.

I found that reading a lot of MN threads, feminist stuff and Youtube stuff about narcs, helped me have trust in my perceptions.

he didn't want me to project onto my friend as she might have been distressed

Yes and she is right to be distressed.

She has already sent me a message saying she completely expected my response and it's what she wanted to hear.

There you go. You, right again.

I think it's very convenient that he lets you think you were an abuser in that situation, even just a little bit. It's very easy to get your way once the other person thinks they are the 'bad' one and spends their time turning themselves inside out with guilt.

You are being too hard on yourself OP (I’m not excusing bad behaviour here- I too have been a victim of domestic abuse).

If what happened was a one off and not a regular occurrence, I would chalk it up to a bad experience and let it go.

Also think your DP is being unreasonable comparing you to your friends partner. He didn’t need to stay with you if he felt you to be abusive.

None of us are perfect and losing your temper (whilst not the right way to behave) doesn’t always equal abuse. Life isn’t that black and white, nor are relationships.

@ThewhoamIquestion

My hardline approach was my gut reaction. I have messaged my friend and apologised for the projection/immediate jumping to worst case scenario. It was the motioning to throw the glass at her that shocked me. I think DP was trying to get me to slow down and think about what my friend needed.

We have discussed the stuff with his ex a few times. He has cut contact with her. I can't really use 'Well it was that that caused it' though.

Disagree with this OP. We are responsible for our behaviour but that doesn’t let people off the hook for theirs. Have you been so remorseful about throwing the phone that your DP thinks you’re the only one to blame for that situation occurring? Because you’re not.

Sorry OP but I think you have clouded the responses by including the lengthy reason why you threw an phone at dp and now thats all anyone can focus on

As i see it:

Your DP doesn't think you throwing a
phone at him was abusive. It was a moment of frustration

He is saying your friends dh throwing a glass of water at her is probably a similar scenario, ie not in itself necessary abusive.

You view the water throwing was abusive so by association you also view your actions as abusive and have convinced your self dp feels the same.

You two just need to chat and you need to stop blaming yourself!!

If your P doesn’t think your throwing the phone at him isn’t the same as your best friends boyfriend assaulting her. Then why did he bring it up as a basis for comparison?

Your P sounds like he knows whichever buttons to press to send you in a spin and then he is in control whilst you race around apologising and self flagellating.
He’s only told you it’s ‘not the same’ when you have started to consider breaking up with him as he deserves so much better.

I think you deserve so much better.

My ex was meeting and texting a woman from his work, I was so angry and hurt I kicked a door at him, we was stood just to the side of it so it didn’t hit him but it really shocked him and it shocked me too to be honest,

I know it scared him and I felt awful and still do even though it’s years and years later and we eventually actually split on ok terms And have both happily moved on.

But I’ve never considered myself abusive because in the very moment of realising the person I loved had cheated on me I kicked a door towards him in anger and grief.

I don’t think you sound abusive or a danger to anyone, only yourself really. I can understand how it will have shocked you to be compared to someone who has shown repeatedly abusive behaviour,

I might be wrong but does one incident make you abusive?

I think of the definition of bullying- it’s a sustained, targeted attack. Not a one off argument or fight between two people.

I’m not saying that a red flag wouldn’t be raised after throwing a phone at someone but labelling yourself as an abuser? No I don’t think so.

What stands out to me is I would have ended the relationship because he was untrustworthy.

I wouldn't have got back with him, because it shouldn't have got to you finding messages on his before he stopped being a liar.