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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Don’t know where I stand

36 replies

Flossie44 · 19/02/2021 23:23

One minute dh is nice, communicative etc. The next he’s tired. Tiredness results in him being verbally abusive, aggressive and cold.
Out of the blue. Everything can be lovely and civil. The next, he’s vicious and makes personal digs.

The common factor is tiredness.

I can honestly say I try my best. I try to make things smooth. If I see him beginning to rise, I make more effort to calm everything. Often I fail. He mocks me and copies my voice if I’m nice. Impersonates me. If I don’t react, he says I’m sulking. If I do react, he says I’m argumentative.

I’ve lost confidence in myself. I live for the dream. For the nice snippets he has buried deep. I’m so tired

OP posts:
Beforethetakingoftoastandtea · 19/02/2021 23:25

Fuck. Him. Off.

Leave. This is no life. He is a wanker.

4Mongrels · 19/02/2021 23:25

Leave. You are worth more.

FlowersOfAldershot · 19/02/2021 23:52

Disappointing to read that noone is wondering what could be the problem with DH. He could have depression for example, he could have his job at risk but he hasn't told his wife.

OP I'd be exploring those kind of things and ruling them out before then giving him an ultimatum

Wanderlusto · 20/02/2021 00:02

He isn't tired op, he is hist an abuser. 'Tired' is a shit excuse he makes or you make to try and understand his behaviour rationally.

But you can't because you aren't a shit human being. He is. And shit human beings do what they do because either they don't give a shit about you or because, in his case, he wants to bring you down.

Dont encourage op to put up with abuse pp. He is aggressive! Plus all that other nonsense. Life is too short! There is no excuse for abuse.

Original poster
Flossie44 · 20/02/2021 00:04

He’s not depressed. He’s larger than life.
His job is fine. It’s secure. As is he.

OP posts:
Wanderlusto · 20/02/2021 00:07

Read up on natcissistic abuse op. Because you are dealing with a narcissist.

Melanie tonia Evans does good youtube talks on them.

And get yourself out!

OhioOhioOhio · 20/02/2021 00:11

My abusive xh did this too.

Wanderlusto · 20/02/2021 00:13
BlueThistles · 20/02/2021 04:29

@FlowersOfAldershot

Disappointing to read that noone is wondering what could be the problem with DH. He could have depression for example, he could have his job at risk but he hasn't told his wife. OP I'd be exploring those kind of things and ruling them out before then giving him an ultimatum

more disappointing is that when a victim is not recognising the cycle of abuse and is asking for help ... this is the response she gets 🙄

Ruminating2020 · 20/02/2021 11:33

It is definitely passive aggressive behaviour, and emotionally abusive.

You shouldn't feel confused in a healthy relationship and if he respects you, then he needs to be communicating with you like an adult. There is no room for mind games in an authentic loving relationship. If he's unable to show you respect in the way he communicates with you, then your relationship is in trouble.

How would he respond if you were to let him know how you felt about his behaviour? If he blames and deflects rather than self reflect and take responsibility, then it's not going to get any better because there is no empathy.

Original poster
Flossie44 · 20/02/2021 12:15

I’ve tried to tell him so so many times. I’ve explained it’s hurtful. He either mocks me for saying so, says ‘oh poor poor you’, or is sorry and says will try more.
I love the latter. And that is what I long for

OP posts:
Ruminating2020 · 20/02/2021 12:22

Sorry OP, but I don't think he's making a conscious effort to change his behaviour and treatment of you. By mocking you, he is invalidating your feelings and blaming you rather than addressing his horrible behaviour.

Wanderlusto · 20/02/2021 12:23

But op, can you see now that it's a merry go round of bullshit?

Why are you having to tell someone their cruel behaviour is cruel? He KNOWS. Of course he knows. He is a grown adult!
So what is the conclusion? He doesnt care! Because he is trying to hurt you!

You might as well tell a lion its chewing on your leg! There would be as much point to that too.

If he was sorry, he would not mock you and then repeat the behaviour.

You cannot fix this relationship by being nice to the lion or trying to explain to it.

Fix your own life by getting free.

It's not him that needs to love you op (which will never happen as he has not the capacity to love like you or I do) It's you that needs to choose to love yourself. Choose yourself! It's ok to do that. And it's the only way you'll ever find happiness and get free from bad people who mean you harm.

FlowersOfAldershot · 20/02/2021 17:59

@BlueThistles if you put your default tiki torch down for one moment I'll explain.
I've made the assumption the DH wasn't like this when they met and married. Otherwise they wouldn't marry.

Ergo, I thought it worth examining the causes of the change in behaviour before hanging him by his finals and us advising they split. OP has since intimated that my points are not a factor with DH, in which case I agree with all the feedback on him being a scumbag.
There are some good measured responses on here but also a lot of reactionary anti male knee jerk reactions which is all I was trying to advise against. I have more male friends than female so maybe I have a different perspective or appreciation for men, I don't know.
OP I hope you manage to extricate yourself from this situation and get your confidence back, which I'm sure you will.

HollowTalk · 20/02/2021 18:00

What a prick he is. It's your decision, whether to put up with him or not. If you do, your self-esteem will erode and after a while you won't have the wherewithal to leave him.

Outbutnotoutout · 20/02/2021 18:03

@Beforethetakingoftoastandtea

Fuck. Him. Off.

Leave. This is no life. He is a wanker.

There is nothing more to be said but this ^
Singlenotsingle · 20/02/2021 18:04

The reason for being in a relationship is because it makes you happy and improves your life. If it makes you miserable, what's the point?

OldEvilOwl · 20/02/2021 18:23

being tired is not an excuse to speak to someone like shit

HopelesslyOptimistic · 20/02/2021 18:45

Try not reacting to his sulky, narcissistic behaviour. When his lava starts to bubble, make a phone call to a girlfriend & have a giggle. Bake some bread whilst listening to radio 4 (ok bake something to music), chuckle to yourself, make yourself look hot (not for him but you) because strangely it ups your confidence a little & please please don't ever blame yourself for his hideous behaviour. Don't even give him the chance to mock or point blame. I'm a male advocate & none of my male friends display such behaviour. If your confidence is a little broken we can try and help you find it again.

Pegsonstrings · 20/02/2021 18:48

Telling him the affect this has on you will never change his behaviour. Him having depression. As someone mentioned in here does not excuse or explain his behaviour either.

What is happening here is your husband is abusive and what he is doing is to make sure he keepss you at a level that will keep you down, wondering and feel like a failure when your attempts to stear his moods into different directions fail.

I spent years with my ex who was exactly like yours and I kept changing myself and strived to be better because clearly I was wrong. He moks you and then mimics you. If he was a complete stranger doing this I know you would not accept the behaviour. And if your best friend told you what you have told us, I am sure your advice to her would be leave.

Seeing you are posting on here I recommend you try and cover your tracks because men like your husband will try anything to keep you, this means they will be a step ahead of you and he may look at your phone to see what you are doing, any plans to leave him you will need to keep to yourself, that is if you leave.

It took me 7 attempts to leave mine and now its a police matter going to court. I promise you this is going to escalate and hi will cry, beg and be the man you first met every time he knows he has gone too far, and every time minimise, explain his behaviour as a bad day, you don't understand him, work is given him grief, his family history or someone on pluto didn't take out the bin, there is always an excuse.

Don't fall for it. A marriage is not supposed to be hard work or abusive. No one on this planet is entitled to treat you like this.

MiddlesexGirl · 20/02/2021 18:50

Why is he tired all the time? If you could fix that then maybe things would get better. If he can't fix it or is unwilling to try then it's time to move on.

NovemberR · 20/02/2021 18:52

@HopelesslyOptimistic

Try not reacting to his sulky, narcissistic behaviour. When his lava starts to bubble, make a phone call to a girlfriend & have a giggle. Bake some bread whilst listening to radio 4 (ok bake something to music), chuckle to yourself, make yourself look hot (not for him but you) because strangely it ups your confidence a little & please please don't ever blame yourself for his hideous behaviour. Don't even give him the chance to mock or point blame. I'm a male advocate & none of my male friends display such behaviour. If your confidence is a little broken we can try and help you find it again.
Or alternatively - as a pp said - just Fuck. Him. Off.

You'll best find your confidence by getting rid of the abusive prick you live with, who constantly mocks you and puts you down.

No one should have to try not to react to being abused.

user141635812632 · 20/02/2021 18:52

He's just an abuser. "Tiredness" has got fuck all to do with it.

Pegsonstrings · 20/02/2021 18:58

@flower

I think those who suffer with depression would really disagree with this ridiculous advice. Having depression does not make anyone abusive and I promise you this advice is exactly why people stay in these awful circumstances. Abuse is abuse and if someone with depression claims they are abusive as a result clearly lack capacity on some level, or know exactly how to manipulate situations with "I am depressed" card.

HopelesslyOptimistic · 20/02/2021 19:40

NovemberR you find mocking clearly abhorrent yet you mock with a kind of benign confrontation. Here's hoping you don't demonstrate this pattern of behaviour because everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.

Flossie, I'm not sensing to want to "fuck him off", although personally (but that's me) I would.