Don’t know where I stand

[Flossie44]

One minute dh is nice, communicative etc. The next he’s tired. Tiredness results in him being verbally abusive, aggressive and cold.
Out of the blue. Everything can be lovely and civil. The next, he’s vicious and makes personal digs.

The common factor is tiredness.

I can honestly say I try my best. I try to make things smooth. If I see him beginning to rise, I make more effort to calm everything. Often I fail. He mocks me and copies my voice if I’m nice. Impersonates me. If I don’t react, he says I’m sulking. If I do react, he says I’m argumentative.

I’ve lost confidence in myself. I live for the dream. For the nice snippets he has buried deep. I’m so tired

I try my best

I'm so sorry, any time you spend with the man is such a waste of your life. Get your ducks together, leave or throw him out.

Sooner the better.

@Pegsonstrings I am talking from first hand experience about how depression can lead to you lashing out when everything becomes too much to cope with. Even if onlookers don't think there is much to deal with. Sorry if that doesn't fit in with your identikit understanding of depression and which pigeon hole people suffering from it are put into.
Covering up your depression is exhausting hence my original, well intended, suggestion, just in case it was an undiagnosed MH problem.
May I suggest you get better informed before you castigate posters and call them ridiculous.
See, there you go, you've made me lash out. Oh the irony.

Bin him.

I agree with you leaving OP 🌺

Don't wait. Get your ducks in a row and leave.

It won't get better.

There won't be a good time.

All that will happen is you will find yourself, when you do eventually get away, regretting the years you wasted not doing it sooner.

I am very well informed on depression and how disabling it is. I have been it's slace for many years, however this man does not sound as though he suffers anything but dick headness, and depression does not result in abuse, it's the hopelessness that makes you react out of character, so totally agree on that front. All the best to you

Who cares if he has depression? That's his problem to deal with. The OPs problem is that her so-called partner is being a nasty arsehole towards her, and for that reason alone, she should get rid of him.

And yes, I am projecting a bit. My exH had depression, but he was also nasty. I wasted 22 years of my life before I realised that it wasn't my job to unpick what was illness and what was choice. I left him, and I've never been happier in my adult life.

He is an abusive cocksucker because he enjoys it. He loves mocking you and seeing you sad, it makes him feel important - dump him before he grinds your confidence completely. You can have a lovely life with a decent man. This bloke is just a fucking mistake and no woman should have to put up with his abusive nonsense.

[quote FlowersOfAldershot]@Pegsonstrings I am talking from first hand experience about how depression can lead to you lashing out when everything becomes too much to cope with. Even if onlookers don't think there is much to deal with. Sorry if that doesn't fit in with your identikit understanding of depression and which pigeon hole people suffering from it are put into.
Covering up your depression is exhausting hence my original, well intended, suggestion, just in case it was an undiagnosed MH problem.
May I suggest you get better informed before you castigate posters and call them ridiculous.
See, there you go, you've made me lash out. Oh the irony.[/quote]
Nobody ‘made you’ lash out. You chose to lash out.

Abusers also blame other people for their reactions. ‘You made me do it’ ring a bell?

Depression is not an excuse to be abusive.

He's not going to change OP, so please don't tie yourself up in knots trying to be the person you think he wants you to be. None of it is your fault, you haven't failed in any way, and there's no point in trying. You will just drive yourself round the twist trying to figure out why he is the way he is, and trying to make him be nice to you.

Some people just get a kick out of being abusive, and it seems like he's one of those people.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cycle_of_abuse

You're on the abuse cycle. It is absolutely standard in an abusive relationship for the abuser to switch and switch about with loving/abusive behaviours. It's part of the reason victims often don't think they're really victims of abuse: 'because my partner is so nice to me a lot of the time, and that's who they really are. The nasty bits are just tiredness/stress/drink/PTSD/anything else'

It doesn't matter if he's tired. It doesn't even matter if he is the poor, poor victim of a psychiatric disorder that makes him abusive, and he desperately needs your help to fix it: HE IS ABUSING YOU, and you getting away from that is your responsibility, not his.