LTB one day in the far future

[Friendsinneed]

I would love to find some online friends to get to know & to talk with, about wanting to leave their relationship, but who are not ready to yet!
I think I will always have an excuse not to leave him!! I want to get in a place where I believe that I will leave.

By having a place to vent ,like a personal diary, could really help to give us encouragement.

I want to write about what a dick he is without the LTB responses, because I’m not ready.

I’ve realised he is not malicious, but immature, as though a part of his brain hasn’t developed.
When I’m crying because he has been cruel, he thinks that it’s no big deal & get over it.

An example is if I have left a light on in the house, he will go out of his way to go to the shed & turn my bike light on & then when I’m relaxing in pjs he will let me know what he did & why he did it. He can’t help himself with things like this. Luckily it’s not too often but there have been a few bigger ones that play on my mind. I think I would be able to forgive him if he apologised but he doesn’t see what he does is wrong.

Is there anyone else there who wants to LTB one day?? x

@Friendsinneed

I'm so sorry you're feeling unable to LTB yet, and I hope you feel strong enough to in the near future

But I feel strongly that you're not actually seeing his behaviour for what it actually is................

saying............

''I've realised he is not malicious''

when he IS malicious ! and a bully ! and controlling ! and abusive !

which is proved by you saying.................

''if I have left a light on in the house, he will go out of his way to go to the shed & turn my bike light on & then when I’m relaxing in pjs he will let me know what he did & why he did it''

That's abusive, coercive and shows a really nasty/ vindictive streak a mile wide.

I apologize again, because I know you've said you're not ready to LTB, but I'll be here with a bloody marching band playing 'Halleluja' when you are ready !

I can relate. Had something similar with my exH. There was something in the way he was that was highly irritating/patronising/unnecessary and it slowly eroded our relationship.
I mostly ignored it and didn’t let it affect me. Told him a few times that it’s affecting our relationship. But he just couldn’t help himself. And - more importantly - he felt it was right to do/be that way. It was all my fault for being ‘this and that’ - in his mind.

But initially - I wasn’t ready to leave. I had small kids. I wasn’t working and didn’t know how my life would be. So I focused on the kids and bid my time. For the most part - life wasn’t bad.
But these little things did accumulate over time and it affected how I was in a relationship. And eventually it got to the point of no return.

So - I’d say - if you want to stick it out for a while - you need to develop a thicker skin and not let his actions affect you. Or not as much, at least.

If you have kids - focus on them. Ignore his childish behaviours and keep going.
And the time will come when you know you are done.

Thank you for your replies.

@updownroundandround you made me smile. Thanks for showing support.
@jsku how old were your kids when you left? Have you met a nice partner since?

I do have young kids, but part of me believes that I will always make an excuse not to leave him, but I feel strongly that if he cheated I would leave. I don’t know why I feel like this. He isn’t my soul mate or my best friend, I’ve lost respect for him. He does things below the belt & it has affected me x

There's a saying I really like "change only happens when the desire to change is stronger than the desire to stay the same."

At the moment your desire is to stay the same.

You would be better off making plans to leave even if you're not ready to carry them out yet, instead of repeatedly telling yourself you will never leave and ranting.

You seem to be in denial about how bad this is because you don't want to be a single parent.

If you know deep down that you are never going to leave just stop leaving the bloody lights on!

@Friendsinneed

In my mind - when I thought about it, I wanted my kids to be in secondary school. As you know - there is no age that is best for divorce. So - I thought by secondary school they’ll be a bit more robust and better able to handle the change.

But I don’t know if I would have actually done it, if my hand hadn’t been forced.
It’s incredibly difficult to be the ‘bad guy’ and end a relationship that is, while not great, is still functioning on some level.
I didn’t quite make it to both kids in secondary. But it all worked out OK. ExH moved out a year ago and kids have adjusted well.

Wow a couple of really stupid replies there. I don’t go around leaving the lights on, you certainly sound like my partner saying that though!
I’m also not afraid of being a single parent either. So sorry you haven’t figured me out.

Why do people on here think they know everything about the relationship via reading a few posts?! I’ve seen this many times when people highlight a sentence & become know it all’s!!

I wanted to find a space to share my problems, get to know people in similar situations & offer each other support & encouragement. As well as being able to look back on my posts to remind myself how often he does things below the belt etc

@JSKU Thanks for understanding x

So you want people to say it's okay for you to stay in a toxic relationship and you want support to do that?

You say he can't help himself? So everything he does is by accident? Sorry OP but wake up and smell the coffee

It's very easy for people to say just leave, but it isnt said to be cruel. You are wasting your precious life. We only get one. Hopefully soon something will click and you can go find a happier life.

It takes courage to leave and you maybe arent there just yet, but hopefully soon you will be.

I’m looking to share my stories of my tosspot dh with others who are in a similar situation or have been in the past, in order to leave ONE day, but I can’t pin point when that day will be, because mostly things are good & therefore it is easier to be in denial & get on with life.

This morning we go out for a walk. I am the last in the car as I sort the kids out. I open the passenger door to find that I can’t sit down because he has taken a large box from the boot & put it on the seat. I pick the box up & take it inside. I know better than to mention it straight away. On the walk when we are chatting nicely & his mood is good, I say why did you put the box on my seat instead of leaving it in the boot or taking it inside for me? He replies in an angry manner, why did you leave it in the boot you should have taken it in straight away?!
I have to pick my battles so I will let this go instead of saying, well baby was crying & after doing a million & one things I forgot that it was in the boot, but a nice man would have been helpful & taken it inside for me!

It hurts my feelings when he goes out of his way to be mean. When I say he can’t help himself I mean that I think he is immature & he doesn’t realise how mean he is being x

@Friendsinneed
Op, I know what you mean about doubts about leaving, but posters on here have read what you wrote, and they have their own experiences to be able to comment on your situation. Yes, as previous posters have mentioned, life is very hard as a single parent, but it sounds as if resentment has set in, especially in your last post, where your OH was being deliberately obstructive and unhelpful. You are walking on eggshells trying to avoid scenes which set him off. You know him and his ways well enough by now, do you think there could be a time in the near future where you have reached the end of your tether? I don't know your housing situation, but you could make notes on your phone's memo about house rentals etc? Make sure you use a screen lock known only to you. Best wishes to you and your DC

Have you spoken to any friends in real life a this OP, and have you asked him to go to relationship counselling?

OP - if you want to make it to the point of leaving while being sane and not broken - you need to accept to yourself that you can’t change him. So - what’s the point of even mentioning the box?
You knew nothing would come out of it.
So - just don’t go there. And if you do - don’t let your ‘feelings get hurt’. You know how he is - so again, why get upset over something you expect. As clearly he is the same man today as he has been always.

If you can’t do that - I think you need to either escalate - and tell him you need counselling to work on your relationship. Or you need to actually start planning to leave.

However - and I don’t know what your circumstances are - I think you are at the difficult time with your kids being small, and one is a baby... MNers of course would tell you one can be a single parent. And it’s true, of course. But it’s not easy.
If the choice is abuse vs single parenting - of course it’s clear.
But if the choice is - nice enough life, with a bit of irritations and biting your tongue here and there - then it’s not as obvious.

OP, he absolutely does realise how mean he is being.
Unless there is a fundamental reason for you to say this. Does he have autism? Genuine question.

But even if he did, the incidents you have described are plain horrible. He didn’t do those things to be funny, or kind did he? He could have chosen to be kind to you, instead he chose to be an arse.

Why would you stay in this marriage where your children are learning that this behaviour is ok?

He knows what he is doing.
Please think of the effect this will have on your children. Why do you feel it’s worth staying in this relationship? Are you financially dependent on him?

Thank you for your replies.
To answer a few of those questions:
I have a mix of emotions, sometimes I feel numb & his behaviour won’t affect me, other times it brings on anxiety, then occasionally I feel a panic that I have to leave him & figure out a plan.

The children are not affected at all at this age. If one day he did something to cause them upset, maybe that will be my turning point when I know to leave. He doesn’t let the children see that he is in a mood, he can flick it on & off to a point that I find it bizarre.

He doesn’t have autism, but I do believe that he has a personality disorder.
We have been to counselling in the past, to a top psychiatrist, because I really wanted help to see the real him because his behaviour can be very confusing. The psychiatrist asked us have you heard about Asperger’s syndrome, my dh immediately said - I don’t have that. I know I lack empathy & when she cries I don’t care, it annoys me, but it’s not aspergers.

I’ve looked into different personality disorders. I know that he is wired up differently, he doesn’t understand how much he upsets me.

I do need to concentrate on getting myself stronger, not letting things get to me & either accept him or leave him, but it’s not that easy & I do love him x

I think you should read the book "why does he do that?" By Lundy.

Your H isn't immature he is angry and punishing

I have recently realised I walk on egg shells depending what mood my partner Is in and absolutely prefer it when he is at work. I totally understand the wanting to wait for the right time, especially when financial and emotional support are lacking. But I have to agree with others that life is too short. I have lost my identity and wasted too many years already and I'm formulating how I want to live my life. The hurt they cause soon turns to your hatred.

The children are not affected at all at this age.

Bullshit. That's not what the evidence base shows. That's the lie you tell yourself to make your decisions palatable to your sense of self.

Children are affected from infancy merely by living in an environment like this.

You're not looking for support to leave, you're looking to be supported with your excuses to stay and continue along your children to be damaged. You want other people to tell you what you're doing is ok.

It's not.

People are entitled to refuse to be complicit with that and tell you it's damaging.

The pertinent question is not whether you love him, but whether you love him more than your children.

I absolutely agree with user18467425798532

My probably earliest memory is of my abusing father having a row with DM and being horrible to me. I would be maybe 3, possibly younger.

Don’t use this “but the children are too young to realise and be affected”. Children’s are never too young to be affected by adults behaviours.

Also, does he treat other people in his life the same way that he treats you? Or does he have the ability to treat them with the respect that they deserve?

Sorry OP, I agree with the above.

A support group telling you 'how to make the best of your abusive relationship' isn't a great idea. The simple answer is you don't. You get out.

Your first post is full of excuse for him: 'immature,' 'can't help himself,' 'doesn't know why he does it.'

Unfortunately the playbook is already written for this one. He might paint himself as a confused victim who needs help and you might too, but it's just another means of manipulation. He's a bully. He's PUNISHING you for 'misbehaving' (leaving a light on, not taking a box in). He'll be gaslighting you, I expect, making you think half the time that it was a bit your fault. It wasn't. At all.

He sounds like a nasty piece of work, and that's only with the handful of examples you've provided.

I'm glad you recognise you're in an abusive relationship, because you absolutely are.

But a 'support group' to offer you 'coping techniques' is absolutely not the way forward, for you or for any off the other women in a similar position who might be reading this thread.

You need to leave. For yourself and your kids. This thread is a form of procrastination and he is not going to get any better.

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