LTB one day in the far future

[Friendsinneed]

I would love to find some online friends to get to know & to talk with, about wanting to leave their relationship, but who are not ready to yet!
I think I will always have an excuse not to leave him!! I want to get in a place where I believe that I will leave.

By having a place to vent ,like a personal diary, could really help to give us encouragement.

I want to write about what a dick he is without the LTB responses, because I’m not ready.

I’ve realised he is not malicious, but immature, as though a part of his brain hasn’t developed.
When I’m crying because he has been cruel, he thinks that it’s no big deal & get over it.

An example is if I have left a light on in the house, he will go out of his way to go to the shed & turn my bike light on & then when I’m relaxing in pjs he will let me know what he did & why he did it. He can’t help himself with things like this. Luckily it’s not too often but there have been a few bigger ones that play on my mind. I think I would be able to forgive him if he apologised but he doesn’t see what he does is wrong.

Is there anyone else there who wants to LTB one day?? x

@ user18467425798532 your reply is the worst so far. It’s ridiculous that you think you can tell me what I want. I’m not looking for support to stay with him!!
The children are both under 2. There are no arguments in front of them. I hate his moods so I never confront him until he is in a good mood where I try to understand why he did what he did. The children do not pick up on any atmosphere. The children always come first; you nasty women, making assumptions!!

I’m done posting on here because I was looking to keep a bit of a diary, I see how some posts go on long term, but I don’t have the energy to deal with the idiots who think they know the whole picture.

My title wanted to stop the LTB replies, so I could have some space to talk about my situation. As I know I’m not ready to leave yet.

I will check the book out thanks x

My post is a bit late but I’m in a similar situation. I want to leave but won’t for now. The kids are little and we get on ok, but I’m just not happy.
I understand how you feel

That sounds like an utterly shit and soul destroying way to live. I hope you feel you deserve better and change things sooner rather than later.

I'm with you OP in that the children may well not pick up on it. Because you are both keeping it hidden from them.
They may pick up an atmosphere sometimes but who hand on heart can say they've never had an argument or an atmosphere in their relationship? It's part of growing up, understanding that people don't always get on.

I do agree with PP that your OH is abusive.
And yes in an ideal world you would leave.
But if you are looking for practical solutions... the first I can offer is can youbtake the batteries out of your bike light?

For the car one I would have put it back in the boot.
Can you tell I have an OH a bit like yours 🙄

“ The children are both under 2. There are no arguments in front of them. I hate his moods so I never confront him until he is in a good mood where I try to understand why he did what he did. The children do not pick up on any atmosphere. The children always come first; you nasty women, making assumptions!!”

You may think that your children are too young to be affected, and you say that you never argue in front of them. But you are affected by your husband’s behaviours, and that in turn affects them.

Nasty women, ok then

Don’t post on here and expect women to not advise or comment on the whole subject. I appreciate that you included the detail for context though.

Your children will definitely pick up on this toxic atmosphere. In fact research shows they are effected most under 3 years old when attachments are developing. If you can't leave for yourself then leave for them.

It hurts my feelings when he goes out of his way to be mean. When I say he can’t help himself I mean that I think he is immature & he doesn’t realise how mean he is being

I can understand why it hurts your feelings, I would be hurt too.

I’m wondering about his friends and work colleagues and how they cope with his immature behaviour.

So if someone at work does something he doesn’t like ( like you leaving the light on by mistake ) , how does he react ? Does he sabotage some of their work or get them in trouble with the boss?

What happens when customers / clients annoy him - how does he punish them ? How does his boss deal with his immaturity?

I know you’ve not said anything about his job but if he’s behaving like this at home because he doesn't really understand what he’s doing , he must act like this at work and with his friends too.

I’m trying to understand why he acts like that. I can see you really want that too - I assume that’s why you went to counselling .

I would think he is all sweetness and light and or otherwise completely mild mannered. Many abusive people do come across as being quite plausible to those in the outside world; it is only behind closed doors that their true nature emerges.

He acts like that because he can and it works for him. That is what he learnt about relationships when he was growing up and pound to a penny OP's husband's own childhood was abusive. These men hate women, all of them. Its a reason though, not an excuse for his abuses of the OP and there is no excuse or justification.

We after all learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents and parents do need to consider what relationship lessons they are imparting to their children regardless of how young they are. They are really like sponges and do pick up on all the vibes here, both spoken and unspoken.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

Too much denial going on here.
He is malicious (that light thing, omg).
He is not a child, he is choosing to behave this way,he thinks it through first and then does stuff to spite you. He KNOWS what he is doing. He understand. He gets it. Because he is a nasty, shitty human being who wants to bring you down. Stop making excuses for him.

I wont say ltb. But if you ever want to then the most important thing you can do is snap out if this mindset that he is some poor little boy in an adults body.

You might as well say of a psychopath 'aww diddums it's not his fault he killed someone, he's a psychopath'.

You are dealing with a narcissist. A malignant one at that. He may be lower on the spectrum of some of the traits...but malignancy is a really big problem.

Read all you can on narcissists.
Melanie tonia Evan's does good youtube videos.

And if your kids are under 2 then your be really wise to go now. Because in a year or so they'll recognise the speration more. Atm it woildnt bother them.

If you arent ready yet, focus on getting ready. Take your time. But put a goal in place to be out within the year. Otherwise you'll never set a date.

In the mean time dont stop learning about npd. The more clearly u can see the monster in him, the easier it will be for you to leave.

@Shallysally I have received many replies where people don’t agree with me & comments about the children, which I will read & reflect on, but @user18467425798532 reply was plain nasty.

@MiddlesexGirl & @namechange202086 sorry to hear that you are with someone similar. I thought it would be nice to get to know people in a similar situation to share stories & once you see a friend being treated badly sometimes it’s easier to know that it’s not normal & build the strength to leave. I will send you both a pm & maybe we could chat x

Thank you to those others who reply in a caring manner x

@Friendsinneed it's a shame that you haven't received the support you need at this moment in time.

There is something VERY wrong with his behaviour and it takes most people a long time to leave such a partner.

Could you seek counselling for yourself?

It's horrid to live with someone that deliberately does things to punish you. That is a far step from someone being lazy or selfish and hurting you because if those behaviours.

You need to be alert to him starting to punish your DC, more likely he will use the DC in some way to punish you.

I hope you come to realise that no-one deserves treatment like that from anyone. He isn't even dressing it up as a "joke" like many abusers would.

A councillor for yourself sounds like a great idea actually. One that has a background working with the abused maybe so that she can spot the signs.

Also, lundy bankroft has some lectures on youtube I think. Definately worth a watch. I remember him saying somewhere (might have been the book) about how shocked he was that women would often only leave (despite horrific treatment) when the guy had an affair. As if it finally clicked for them then that he didnt love them. Which, is utterly baffling because they had been abused for years. And anyone who abuses you, obviously doesnt love you. But they were so brainwashed into excusing the mens behaviour that they couldn't see this.

I’ve been on your journey...just nearer the end rather than you. My husband never apologised for anything. He also told little lies all the time. Like if he had forgotten to do something he would never say he’d forgotten to, he would always lie and say he had. I lost respect for him and that’s difficult to get back. I thought I could stick it out until the children leave (mid teens), but finally decided to separate last year. Lockdown put a lot in perspective. Only you know when the time has come x

You’re going to wait until you can see that your husband’s behaviour is affecting your children? That time will be never, because it’s clearly painful enough for you to think about it now. Why wait for him to do the inevitable? Why not stop it before it reaches the stage of harming them, even in your eyes? I shudder to think of the emotional abuse those children are going to be put through by a man who is capable of doing the things you describe.

OP,
You probably are finding that you have developed low level anxiety through trying to manage his dislike of you, whilst trying to not react to how deliberately unkind he is to you.

You have two young children and obviously feel very caught.

You can help yourself by bullet proofing your contraception.
Do NOT have more children with him.

Increase you family and friend support IRL by telling them the truth.
This will help you feel less isolated and more supported.
You need support and you clearly need to vent.

The examples you give of his nastiness must make you feel both sad and lonely.

It must be awful to love someone who is so comfortable being deliberately unkind.

He has so much time and energy to be unkind and make life harder for you when you are doing your best with young children.

Posters are being frank because stories like yours are all over MN every day.

Lovely young women ground down by the deliberate nastiness of their husbands.

You can't leave now and don't want to.
That's ok.

What you can do is take control back from him by thinking how it would work.

Women's Aid are a great resource to talk to.

Do you work?
If not, can you plan to return to work.
Can you squirrel money away over the next few years so that you have a running away account that is there if you need it.

Can you read up about 'detaching emotionally' from him.
Again this will give him less power.

Quietly, without him ever knowing you can take back your power in this relationship.

This will benefit your anxiety hugely.

Women who live with men like your husband for many years, inevitably end up shadows of their former selves.

They end up walking on eggshells, nervey, often on low level antidepressants because the toll of suppressing their emotions for years is so damaging.

You are at sea at the moment as you try and suppress your emotions.

You need to harness your suppressed anger and disappointment and use it to take back control, quietly.

Wishing you well.

It's sad that you see posts from people offering good advice as nasty, yet only see his behaviour as immature.

I'm from a family with parents who stayed together 'for the children'. Who thought we didn't notice. We did. From a very very young age. It has had a terrible impact on our relationships.

I know you're not ready to leave yet. But the longer you stay the more your boundaries are pushed. If you met him now and he did some of the things he did would you go on a second date? If not, why stay?

Life is very short - you deserve to be happy. Your children deserve to grow up seeing how a loving relationship works. Speaking from bitter experience it's very hard to have a relationship when you've had no role models. What's your background OP - what was your parents relationship like? What do they think about your DH?

People on here just want to help you. It's soul destroying being in a bad relationship

@Friendsinneed if you have decided that you will leave one day then your only decision is when that will be. As you already know that you are going you have time to plan the how.
Are you on maternity leave at the moment or is the plan that you will be a SAHM for a while? If so it is important that you have equal access to family money. Make sure everything you buy for the kids comes out of joint funds not your own money.
I’m not telling you to LTB now but telling you as a supportive friend would to not to allow your financial independence and so ease of leaving to be deminished. Is child benefit in your name so that you have NI credits towards your state pension.
I’m talking as someone who is lucky enough to earn a good wage and when things have been tough with my husband at times I know I have access to enough to walk out the door and rent for me and the kids for up to a year.

It doesn't matter that your H is not behaving like this out of deliberate abuse. The effect on you is the same as if it were deliberate abuse.

I found reading Seven Habits of a Successful Marriage really useful - it won't work as marriage guidance for a man like your husband - but it will help to lay out how badly wrong your marriage is. I found it really helpful in my situation.

A key point of the book is that successful marriages are based on how well you cope with disagreement in the marriage. Good marriages handle this constructively. Marriages that will fail, don't. I think that is so, so, so true. Your husband can clearly never deal well with disagreement. It doesn't matter how good the rest of your relationship is, the inability to deal with points of disagreement will eventually corrode the relationship.

Here's another bit of mumsnet advice I found helpful,
'a bad relationship slowly corrodes you, like water over a stone.'

I am receiving some thought provoking helpful replies, so thank you

If my first post was telling the box story only, would people think it was abuse? I think nice guys get in moods & do horrible things too don’t they? I assume the big difference is that the nice guys feel bad afterwards & apologise??
I think it’s the lack of him feeling bad & never apologising that makes me realise that it isn’t normal.

I do sometimes share stories with my family & they don’t ever see them as a big deal.

I think an online counsellor would be good for me, does anyone have ones that they could recommend please?
I do want to get some help x

Have a look at the BACP website, you should be able to find someone on there.

If my first post was telling the box story only, would people think it was abuse? I think nice guys get in moods & do horrible things too don’t they?
I'd think it was weird and spiteful. Aggressive and bullying. I don't think that is normal behaviour at all.

And yes, in successful relationships, if one person has lost their rag and gone over the top they recognise it later and your talk about it together.

You sound like me. You've lived with it so long that you even though you know it is unusual behaviour you can't quite fully understand or experience how badly weird and damaging it is.

He will behave like this with the children as they grow. This behaviour will not just be for you.

My initial thought was abusive relationship when reading your initial post.

Why do you think your own family don’t ever see your stories as a big deal?. That in itself is problematic. What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.