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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

LTB one day in the far future

88 replies

Friendsinneed · 19/02/2021 16:32

I would love to find some online friends to get to know & to talk with, about wanting to leave their relationship, but who are not ready to yet!
I think I will always have an excuse not to leave him!! I want to get in a place where I believe that I will leave.

By having a place to vent ,like a personal diary, could really help to give us encouragement.

I want to write about what a dick he is without the LTB responses, because I’m not ready.

I’ve realised he is not malicious, but immature, as though a part of his brain hasn’t developed.
When I’m crying because he has been cruel, he thinks that it’s no big deal & get over it.

An example is if I have left a light on in the house, he will go out of his way to go to the shed & turn my bike light on & then when I’m relaxing in pjs he will let me know what he did & why he did it. He can’t help himself with things like this. Luckily it’s not too often but there have been a few bigger ones that play on my mind. I think I would be able to forgive him if he apologised but he doesn’t see what he does is wrong.

Is there anyone else there who wants to LTB one day?? x

OP posts:
Cindy87 · 21/02/2021 18:57

It honestly sounds like he hates you.

You know best how it's affecting or not affecting your kids obviously. I would say though that it's not about him being horrible to them, it's about them seeing how he treats you. Your relationship is a blueprint for their future relationships. When you are ready to leave, perhaps think of it as teaching them what not to accept.

Closetbeanmuncher · 21/02/2021 19:20

I know I lack empathy & when she cries I don’t care, it annoys me

So he's not only showing you he doesn't care about you, he's telling you.. to your face!!?? You have re-written the narrative in your mind of him 'not understanding' so you don't have to face the unpleasant truth or do something about it.

other times it brings on anxiety, then occasionally I feel a panic that I have to leave him & figure out a plan

That's why in my first message to you I said you'd be better off making a plan to exit so you're ready and not panicked.

I second the Lundy bancroft book but first you have to start being honest with yourself, even if you're not ready to be honest with us.

Closetbeanmuncher · 21/02/2021 19:28

It's also not about us being 'know it alls' OP, many of us have been in your position.

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 21/02/2021 19:31

@Closetbeanmuncher sad but true...

Friendsinneed · 22/02/2021 09:14

@Closetbeanmuncher the ‘know it all’s’ comment had nothing to do with people speaking about abusive men. It was the comments people were making about ME for example ‘you are afraid of being a single parent’ & the ‘you know that you will never leave him’ etc

Most people do offer great advice & if they disagree with the OP they will write something in a nice manner. Unfortunately in every post there are some women who think they know everything & post a stupid reply, which is off putting when we are opening up to strangers x

OP posts:
MrsWobbleTheWaitressIsTired · 22/02/2021 09:42

Hi OP, I’m new here. I’m in a very similar position with my DP. It’s really hard to keep on but, like you, I have young children and am not in a position to leave. It’s coming, but not for a few more years.

I’ve been trying to write things down to make sure that I keep sane and keep a record of the situation and his behaviour.

Happy to follow you on your journey. Mutual support would be good.

agreyersky · 22/02/2021 10:26

OP he can switch it on and off because he lacks normal emotions. My Ex was the same We could have awful rows and he could just switch to being back to total nice normal with me (and anyone else). Once the row was over it was over for him. He had vent his feelings, he had no insight or caring for how I would be feeling, so he could just switch it off. So he would go back to normal, 'what do you want for dinner, lets have a takeaway and wine and watch a video' and then view me as spiteful and evil if I didn't want to 'hang out' with him.

I think he will treat your kids like that. The older they get the more they will assert themselves and he will need to assert himself over them - as he does with you. He won't be able to help himself. And if they cry it will affect him the way it affects him when you cry, that is it won't.

Even if he DOES treat them differently, he will still be treating you with no respect. My Dad had no respect for my MUm and it showed. So I grew up having not respect for my Mum. I treated her the way my Dad did. Didn't question it. No reason to. It was my normal. It was only when I was 17 when my boyfriend said, 'the way you speak to your mum is really horrible' that I had my wake up call. I reflected on this and realised he was right. It was only then I realised I had mindlessly copied how my Dad treated her. Of course I did. I was a child. Don't let that be you OP. It breaks my heart for what my Mum must have lived with, living in a house of people who openly had no respect for her.

again2020 · 22/02/2021 11:35

I'm late to comment but I'm another one who feels how you do, OP. People say leave but it is not at all easy or simple. If it was, we would.

My partner is emotionally abusive and passive aggressive, blames me for everything, says I've ruined his life and I'm a shit partner and mother, and I'm boring negative and depressing. When he gets drunk he calls me a f**@king c*t sometimes. Bastard.

My daughter adores her Dad but she is clever even at age 3 and knows what is going on. Sometimes she says ' don't be horrible to mummy'. I hope one day when she's older we can both leave him. He is quite well off, there's a lot of money tied up in the house, and he always says if I left him he'd fight dirty for his daughter and I'm mentally unstable and addicted to drugs Hmm (I had post partum psychosis and still take anti depressants).

Big handhold from me, our time will come. Don't let these men bring you down. They do not define us, we can survive and will thrive without them.
Flowers

Graphista · 22/02/2021 11:52

I too think you're afraid of being a single mum, which you needn't be. This is based on several comments you've made but particularly asking a pp who'd left their relationship if they'd since find a nice partner.

I've been single to all intents and purposes since leaving dds dad for infidelity, I've dated but not met anyone that I wanted to get serious with. I'm actually perfectly happy being single at this point it would take someone absolutely awesome to persuade me to get into a serious relationship now.

In terms of the children, dd was very young when we split and ime that is best for dc regarding splits. Not only dd but also other dc and families I know who've gone through a split, the older they are the harder it is.

Dd doesn't even remember her dad and I being together, her normal is the 2 of us being a family. My closest friend has a similar experience, her 2 were very young when she left her ex, he never bothered after the split, she has since met and married someone utterly lovely and the dc call him dad and adore him.

Others where the families split when the dc were late primary or high school age, the dc found it much harder to adjust. And that applies no matter how good/bad/indifferent the dad is/was.

Although on that note I would also say that of the "categories" of how ex's behave as dads the hierarchy in terms of what's best for dc is as follows:

Engaged, involved and loving dad

Deadbeat who vanishes from their lives

Deadbeat who uses them as pawns to mess their mum about, haphazard contact, unreliable regarding cm, bad mouthing mum to them

The last one is one you really don't want in their lives and it's best not to goad them and to just grey rock and let them eventually also disappear from the dcs lives

@user18467425798532 is absolutely right too. His behaviour - and your acceptance of it IS damaging your dc NOW. I know you don't want to hear that but it's true. There is a wealth of evidence for this too.

I too am from an abusive family and I certainly have memories of the controlling and abusive behaviour of my dad and my mums lack of action from a very young age, probably 2/3 years old. As do my siblings.

My mums inertia now means she is his carer, she very much regrets not having left him decades ago. We dc used to beg her to do so. There are certain aspects of his abuse that wouldn't have happened to me if she had left when we were little, and thinking about it that's true for my siblings too though they experienced different abuse to what I did.

It's one thing deciding to put up with his treatment yourself, it's quite another making that deciding for vulnerable children who have no choice in the matter.

He's not "immature" he is actively choosing to be controlling and cruel.

Also counselling is the LAST thing you should do. He is exactly the type of abuser to take anything you disclose in counselling and using it against you while simultaneously not disclosing anything of use to temper his behaviour. It's never advised where there is abuse anyway and this is abuse. I think you are in denial about that.

My dad is abusive in every way you can think of though the physical abuse is now no longer possible for him. By far the most effective abuse and the hardest to recover from is the mental/emotional. By a very long way!

You can tread water until you're practically ready to leave, that's sensible, especially as many abuse victims return to their abusers because they have issues with housing etc so plan and prepare (without his knowledge) but once those plans are in place, you really must leave. No excuses.

I know that's not what you've asked for but it's genuinely what's best for you and the dc.

oil0W0lio · 22/02/2021 11:53

@again2020, I hope you can be strategic, make a good plan quietly in the background, keep a note of all the things he says, all the threats he makes so that you can build up a good picture of what he is likely to do
make sure you don't give him enough information to anticipate what you are likely to do
I hope you find your way to the life that you and your daughter deserve⭐💖⭐

Wakingup55643 · 22/02/2021 12:03

OP he can switch it on and off because he lacks normal emotions. My Ex was the same We could have awful rows and he could just switch to being back to total nice normal with me (and anyone else). Once the row was over it was over for him. He had vent his feelings, he had no insight or caring for how I would be feeling, so he could just switch it off. So he would go back to normal, 'what do you want for dinner, lets have a takeaway and wine and watch a video' and then view me as spiteful and evil if I didn't want to 'hang out' with him.

Omg, some of the things I'm reading here are making me realise how much I have let 'minor' things pass, when they are real red flags. The above is just one example. My dh didn't speak to me, or even look at me, for two weeks recently. We had an argument on Friday morning and it turns out the reason for him not speaking to me is because I didn't appreciate my birthday present which was a George Foreman grill. He made the point that he deliberately decided not to speak to me. Then as the argument came to an end (it was about lots of things) he wanted to go forward with us being nicer to each other. So therefore he's being quite cheery around the house as if he's cleared the air, but because I'm still upset about the whole lot of things that have made me dislike him over the past few years, he's acting upset that I don't want to sit and watch telly with him or have a chat. I always feel like it's me being unreasonable. And I noticed somewhere up the thread someone said their dh came out with little lies - mine too. Just daft things like I'll leave half a can of coke in the fridge to have later, and then it disappears, and when I ask him if he knows where it is, he will say no. I know it's him. Just little things like this all the time, throwing things away etc. He drains me, and I want to scream and tell him everything he does that drains me, but then I'm the bad guy so I just leave it. It's awful OP, I feel for you so much. You know you want to leave, or you want him to leave, but the next day comes and you're still in the same position, with one day less of your life to live. I feel like time is flying and I want to live my life before it's too late. I know how hard it is to be in two minds constantly. I really hope you get there one day xx

Flyg · 22/02/2021 12:28

I've not RTFT but I was in your shoes 2 years ago, not sure when I would go, but very unhappy with a very unpleasant, mean man.

Fast forward to now and ive had my own place for just over a year, the kids (only 1 & 3 when i left) are both happily adjusted to the new normal and i can put my hand on my heart and tell you its the best thing I have ever done.

I started small, just looking at rentals in the area i wanted to live in...then checking what universal credit/other benefits i could get....searching for a job with the right location and number of hours etc.

It was a massive upheaval and i cant lie it was the hardest thing i have ever had to do, but now i am happy, and might fisted, drinking, verbally abusive exP? Well now he's as nice as pie again because he hasnt got any power over me anymore.

Id like to wish you, and anyone else in this situation the best of luck. Be brave, it will be worth it when you sit back in your own house with no one dragging your mood down by making you feel like crap.

Graphista · 22/02/2021 12:32

There are no arguments in front of them

There doesn't need to be! They will still pick up on the atmosphere, the stress and tension. This not only affects them mentally/emotionally there are many studies that show that living in such circumstances contribute to physical illness too. It certainly affects the immune system.

We are not "making assumptions" we are speaking from personal experience AND the huge amount of research that has and continues to be done on this

You're lashing out at us because you have anger that needs to go somewhere and you're unable for whatever reason to direct it at the deserving person - him

He WILL start to directly turn on the dc too I would say in the next few years.

If my first post was telling the box story only, would people think it was abuse? yes

I think nice guys get in moods & do horrible things too don’t they? no. They may lose patience on occasion but they're not calculatingly nasty like he is

I do sometimes share stories with my family & they don’t ever see them as a big deal.

Does one of them behave similarly to him? Plus many people are only just starting to learn about controlling/coercive abuse

Or will they learn to be nasty to you as well, to show you how wrong you are? this is one thing my dad did that makes me saddest of all. He trained us to participate in the mental abuse of our mother as youngsters. Dressed it up as "joking" "making fun of" and we were too young to know any better. It literally sickens me to think of our behaviour back then. He had us using nasty, cruel "nicknames" on her, disobeying her and having no respect for her. As we got older we realised and rejected this, but it must have hurt her so much, and this was the point at which he turned on us, physically especially my brother.

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